& Then They Wed (Ampersand Love #2)

38. Catharsis

38

Catharsis

Rian

R ian leaned against the cold metal railing of his balcony, his sights pinned at random at the highest point of the sea-link bridge that he could see from his apartment. The clear skies brushed in hues of pale pink and purple formed a delicate backdrop for the imposing concrete structure.

Had his mind been at peace, he would have taken the opportunity to appreciate this view. Amongst the cacophony of thoughts today were two additional voices that troubled him with their concern.

“Do you want to go to the new club that opened near the Queen’s Palace?” Kaya offered.

“No.”

“How about laser tag?”

“No.”

“How about Arjun holds you down and I hit you with my shoe?”

“No. . .what?”

“I’m game,” Arjun responded, his voice bored .

“You’re driving me insane, Rian,” Kaya grumbled while lowering into the loveseat near him. She gave him the stink eye at the subtle twitch in his jaw, shifting to the larger couch immediately. She’d made the mistake of trying to sit in Aditi’s spot once already, leading Rian to throw a small hissy fit, much to Arjun and Kaya’s amusement.

“Now I know why Aditi dumped his ass,” Arjun muttered, throwing an arm around the back of the lounge to make space for his wife.

“Hey, go easy on the judgement,” Kaya tapped his thigh.

“Love, I went easy on you when you kept running from me. I have no reason to go easy on this fool,” Arjun pointed, catching the balled up napkin Rian launched at him in irritation.

“She didn’t dump me,” Rian snarked, frustrated by the nagging. “Nothing is wrong with us. And if you both plan to discuss me like I'm not here, then I’ll leave.”

“Sit!” Kaya hissed, pulling him into the seat beside her as he passed them by while Arjun rolled his eyes, very much unimpressed with his tantrum. “Aditi is too good for him.”

Unfortunately, Rian agreed.

Kaya and Arjun had shown up to check in on him after days of not getting a response to their messages. A conversation with Nanamma had confirmed that he was sulking alone.

“Did you two fight?” Kaya asked, shushing her husband before he taunted her friend some more. “Adi was quite disturbed when she left the event last week, and I don’t blame her.”

Rian couldn’t meet her eyes.

“If you argued, just make it up to her and apologise.”

He glanced away, stubbornly silent.

Kaya turned to her husband, gesturing towards the inside. Understanding that she wanted a minute alone, he stood up .

“I’m going to go try to figure out Rian’s coffee machine,” Arjun announced, bending down to swipe a kiss on his wife’s cheek. “Or break it. I haven’t decided.”

Rian noticed the silly, lovestruck smile on Kaya’s face as she watched her husband walk away, and it only made him miss Aditi more. She would have made him smile like that as well.

Unable to help himself, he pulled out his phone and unlocked it to reveal a picture of the two of them making silly faces. He sighed, catching Kaya watching him with an exasperated look.

“What?” he asked defensively.

“What’s the problem?” She turned sideways and sat with one leg folded under her, the other on the ground. “Explain it to me so I can understand, because Arjun offered to punch you on Aditi’s behalf and I am tempted to let him.”

“You’re supposed to be my friend, not Aditi’s.”

“And that is the only reason why I am giving you a chance to explain why you are trying to run from a woman who loves you.”

“I’m not,” he insisted, indignation rising.

“Then why are you sulking?”

“She brought up some things that I am trying to figure out the answer to, without much success.”

“Like?”

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. He had thought about Aditi’s parting words constantly over the last couple days. But having to explain it felt like a Herculean task. At least Hercules had a road map for what he was required to do. Rian felt like a shipwrecked sailor floating in choppy Pacific waters, trying to grasp pieces of driftwood to stay alive.

“I don’t know where to begin. She found out I loved you once.”

Kaya’s brows met in the middle, her lips twisting as she contemplated that.

“Okay,” she drawled. “That’s an easy fix. Did you tell her that we’re like family? It was never really serious between us. ”

“I never got that far. I don’t know how to fix this fucking mess that I’ve created.” He pressed two fingers into his temple as he felt the slow indications of a migraine coming on once again. The existing strain between Aditi and him had kept him in the doldrums. Sure, she hadn’t yelled and tried to guilt him for days on end, but her silence disturbed him even more. He would rather face her anger than feel like she was shutting him out.

Her teary accusations troubled him. To have his words make her feel ridiculed for who she was, when it was her beautiful personality that had drawn him to her in the first place, felt like a cruel prank. He rubbed his lips absentmindedly, the ghost of their last kiss taunting him, her dispiritedness hindering his own ability to function normally.

“Maybe I should let her go, for her sake,” he supposed, his gaze pinned upon the moving cars on the bridge. “She deserves someone who knows what the fuck he’s doing.”

“That might be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“I don’t know. I’m not cut out for love and relationships. I didn’t like the heartache that came with it the first time around either. I didn’t get over you for a long time and I didn’t want to put myself through that again. But here I am. Making that same mistake. And it feels like hell.”

Instead of sympathy, Rian received a smack with the pillow Kaya held.

“The hell?” he griped, rubbing the back of his head where she’d landed her hit.

Unapologetic about her actions, Kaya defiantly lifted her chin. "In Arjun’s words, that's a flaming pile of bullshit.”

“What?”

“Oh, come on!” she scoffed, throwing the pillow across from them at the empty loveseat. “You stopped having romantic feelings for me eons ago.”

“That’s not patronising at all. ”

Her eyes threw daggers at him.

“Sarcasm doesn’t suit you, Rian Shetty.”

He grumbled under his breath, the stubborn set of his jaw telling Kaya that she was in for a long tug of war. She was unused to obstinacy in him, but she was no less tenacious.

“Humour me,” she proposed, praying for patience. “How does what you feel for Aditi compare with how you felt about me?”

“It doesn’t. You were sad and angry for so long, unwilling to let anyone close. I didn’t know how to help you. It was worrisome—no offence.”

“None taken. What about Aditi?”

Rian sat back, his mind automatically recalling the times he spent with her. Almost instantly, the stress lines on his face relaxed.

“She said once that she’s the sunshine to my grumpiness and I believe her. She makes me laugh with her ridiculous puns and positive outlook. She’s uncomplicated and uninhibited. She makes me want to be like her. Free.”

Kaya nodded, seemingly following him. “And how do you feel without her now?”

“Suffocated.” The ache of not having her with him returned. “Fuck, I miss her so much. How did you stay away from Arjun for so long?”

Kaya shot him a small smile, one that spoke of a long journey, and possible regrets.

“I didn’t love him then,” she confessed frankly. “I can’t imagine being separated from him now. I was also very afraid. Don’t be like me, please."

He sighed.

“Do you not love her?” she asked.

“Of course I love her. I even told her as much. I doubt she believed me. Hell, after the shit I was spewing, I wouldn’t believe me either. I hurt whoever I love. This just proved it. I’m cursed.”

“Cursed? ”

Insecurities and doubts that he’d successfully concealed within him for years were too close to the surface today to remain hidden. Perhaps he was simply exhausted, because he heard himself say, “My dad, Nanamma, you. I bring the blight of my twisted relationship with my mother upon whoever I love.”

“I don’t understand,” Kaya frowned.

“I was responsible for what my mother did to you.”

“No, you weren’t.” The immediate denial was laced with a flippancy that spoke of her utter belief that Rian was simply being dramatic. When the seriousness on his face didn’t fade, she sobered up, the hair on her nape rising.

“She was cheating on my father,” he revealed, swallowing the bile that arose when he recalled memories he wished he could erase. “Maybe I was too young to understand the impact, maybe I thought it would get her in trouble, but I told my dad. He died a few months later, heartbroken. I could have saved him the misery if I’d just kept my mouth shut. Nanamma was sent away because I wouldn’t listen to my mother. She was forced to live away from her true home, with an ailing husband who she lost in the same year as her son. That was my fault.”

“What does any of that have to do with me?” Kaya wondered out loud. “You were eight years old when you lost your father. We didn’t meet until you were, what? Sixteen or seventeen?”

Rian felt her gaze land upon him with unexpected weight. A fog of fear clouded him, momentarily making him wonder if he should remain silent. He stood to lose not just Kaya now, but the friendships she’d brought with her. He would lose Arjun and Vihaan too if Kaya turned him away.

“Rian?”

Move on from the past, he heard Aditi’s voice urge him. This was one way to do it.

“It was one of those shitty parties she had with her equally bitchy friends,” he began, trying to find the words in him to explain this important part of their shared past. “They were talking about this new family who was joining their prestigious ranks. Not old money, so Leela of course thought they were beneath our notice.”

“My family?”

He nodded.

“I knew if I dated you, it would piss her off. Hurt her pride. I wanted to embarrass her.” He couldn’t say more. Her expressions made it obvious that she understood the implications of what he’d confessed. The silence between them seemed to stretch endlessly as Kaya stared outwards, possibly reliving old memories. The fact that he was too ashamed to continue looking at her had him expecting the worst.

“That’s why you befriended me?” she questioned him, her voice strained.

His nostrils flared, old regrets clawing at him.

“She’d warned me to stay away from you and I didn’t listen. I told her I’d be happy to see her sad. That’s why she reacted so harshly when she found us together. I’m so sorry. If I hadn’t been such a self-centred asshole, she would have never insulted your parents in public and you wouldn’t have suffered. I never thought that my actions would affect your life like that.”

Though Rian tried to stick to the facts, recalling the negative impact he had left on this person he so cared for had him awash in guilt. Elbows on his knees, he leaned forward as he knit his fingers together. The muscles in his back remained tight with tension as he rested his chin against his crossed thumbs, his lower lip pressed into his fist to stop it from trembling.

“This is why you searched for me when I went to the US?” she clarified, still sounding like she was trying to piece all the information together. “This is why you continued to look out for me when I came back? Why Nanamma helped me when I left Mumbai?”

His shame deprived him of his ability to answer her with words .

“Why did you never tell me this before?”

He drew in a breath, releasing it with a shudder when the burn climbing up his nose abruptly settled behind his eyes. His vision grew blurry.

“I didn’t want to lose my friend.”

When he finally risked a glance at her, he was met with equally teary eyes. With no hesitation whatsoever, Kaya launched herself at him, struggling to hold him fully given the disparity in their sizes.

“You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever known,” she mumbled, her tears dampening his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Rian gruffed, flicking away an errant tear and giving up any attempt at trying to hold them back when she hugged him harder. How long they sat together like that, they didn’t know. But when she pulled away, Rian knew both their faces bore similar blotchy marks and red noses.

“I’m glad you told me.” Kaya sniffled, reaching towards the box of tissues. “I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you.”

“Hard for me? Kaya, you should hate me.”

“For what?” She dabbed at her eyes. “For being my friend through all this? For having had a moment of rebellion?” She blew her nose, irritated that her tirade had to be cut in the middle. No sooner was she done, she turned to face him fully. “Why are you taking responsibility for the whole incident when you were a minor part? You did more than enough to make up for it, Rian. I wouldn’t have gotten through so many years alone if it hadn’t been for you.”

“Kaya. . .”

“We were kids. Arjun and I have spoken about this so much. I’ve dissected it with my therapist seven ways to Sunday. I used to think I was to blame for what happened to me. You think you are. But the truth is we had adults around us who failed us in different ways. Let go of this guilt. It’s not yours to bear.”

Her earnestness found a way to break through his misery .

“This curse nonsense you were spouting before,” she continued, agitatedly waving her hand in the air. “There is no curse. You are punishing yourself, and you need to stop.”

You need to stop.

You need to let go.

You need to move on.

The people who cared for him seemed to have the same thing to say. Why had he never listened before?

He’d been terrified that someday Kaya would come to know of his part in the drama that had upended her life, and that she would despise him for it. Instead, she was trying to release him from the guilt he’d carried within him for thirteen years.

If he’d actively tried to loosen the hold his past had on him, if he’d tried harder to move on, would he have been able to avoid causing Aditi pain?

“If I hurt Aditi, it’ll destroy me. I let Leela Shetty get under my skin and the collateral was, once again, someone I love.”

“Did you mean it when you said you were marrying Aditi to get back at your mother?” Kaya inquired after a moment.

“Of course not! I don’t give a damn about my mother. I haven’t for years.”

“Your reaction was momentary, wasn’t it?”

“I. . .yeah.”

“Then what makes you think you’ll let Aditi down again, especially because of Mrs. Shetty?”

Her pointed question brought him up short, the chaos in his mind suddenly calming.

Would he disappoint Aditi again because of his mother? No. This had been the final straw. He didn’t care about anything related to Leela. All he’d thought about since the moment he’d left the airport was Aditi and how much he missed her. The glimpse he’d gotten of life without her was not one he ever wanted to see come to fruition .

Maybe Kaya read that in his face. She grasped his hand, bestowing him with a kind look, the sort filled with frustration and affection for the same person. “You’re not that child who needed to hurt his parent anymore. And you did not ruin my life. Let go of the things that have held you back. You’ve been running from your past, like I did. I think it’s time to stop. Just don’t wait too long. Aditi told me about the suitor that her family wants her to meet.”

“Did she say she’s going to marry him?!” Rian sat up, eyes wide, taking his hand back to reach for his phone.

“Wow. Overreact much? That was nowhere close to what I said.”

But Rian was lost to his worries, furiously scrolling through Aditi’s Instagram posts.

“Are you stalking her right now?” Kaya’s mouth fell open at his possessive behaviour.

“She isn’t responding to my texts. She won’t pick up my calls. I don’t know what else to do.”

“Oh my god,” she gasped, her lips tugging upwards when recognition hit. “You’re jealous.”

“Of course I’m jealous,” Rian shot back, still neck deep in his online stalking efforts and getting increasingly frustrated when her sister’s profile was locked as private. “Some stupid fucker thinks he’s going to get a chance with her. Not while I’m alive.” He contemplated how many missed calls it would take for Aditi to speak with him without making him seem like an obsessive psychopath.

Kaya burst out laughing, wondering if Rian even realised that he’d proven her point. She believed that Rian did love her once, but those feelings had been a product of guilt. It wasn’t the way she ought to have been loved. It wasn’t anywhere close to the way he loved Aditi now. Love and guilt should never occupy the same space.

He had learned to live with the distance Kaya had placed between them after their short dating stint. Years later, when she’d finally reconciled with Arjun, Rian had turned around and become fast friends with her husband as well. She didn’t think he would be a tenth as generous if he had to do the same with Aditi.

She caught sight of Arjun, who had been patiently waiting a distance away, concerned when she’d cried. She’d had to wave him away so that he wouldn’t interrupt them. She smiled at Arjun now to let him know that he could come back to her. Within a few seconds, she was being pulled into her husband’s embrace.

“All okay, love?” he murmured in her ear.

“Yes. I’ll tell you later,” she promised.

Arjun raised a brow, but accepted it with grace. “So, what’re the plans now? Are we going bowling or to a movie?” he asked.

“Neither,” Rian answered. “I’m calling my lawyer.”

Arjun gasped dramatically. “Are you divorcing us? Who else will suffer in your company?”

Kaya unfortunately couldn’t hold back a snort. She cast Rian an apologetic look, giggling when he rolled his eyes in pure exasperation.

“As much as I am going to regret this,” he grumbled, checking his calendar on his phone, “are you both free in two days?”

“We could be,” Kaya said, cautious and confused. Rian’s sudden energy shift made her nervous, but he seemed less distraught than before. “Why?”

“I’m going to Bangalore to talk to the woman I love,” he informed them, determination giving his voice strength. “And I would like some back up.”

A massive grin split Kaya’s face in half.

Arjun punched something into his phone with a nod of approval before raising his head. “I can have my plane ready for Saturday morning,” he offered when loud buzz interrupted him. With a gremlin-esque grin, he flashed his screen towards Rian. "I texted Vihaan. He said he's coming and can't wait to see you grovel."

"Fantastic,” Rian groaned. But, for the first time since Aditi had left him, he felt like he could see the light again.