Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

16. Alana

CHAPTER 16

Alana

I’m doing it. I’m in an airplane in the air and I’m flying. Well, sort of.

I am trying so hard to concentrate on my book, but I keep getting distracted by Alex next to me. He’s been flipping the pages on the thriller I chose for him pretty quickly, which isn’t surprising to me. That book is addicting.

My single dad baseball romance is also incredibly captivating, but I can’t stop thinking about how Alex knew which book to get for me.

You might be thinking: Alana, why are you freaking out over the fact that this man did one nice thing? To that I’d say, I’m not sure. It just felt like a big deal to have someone recall a conversation we had months ago and go to the trouble to download an app just to get the answer to what book I might like to read. It felt intentional. It felt like he cared enough to put effort into it, rather than just appeasing me and moving forward. It made me feel like I meant something to him.

His actions have me questioning my all men suck stance, making me think maybe there are good men out there. Ones that are nothing like my ex and my father. Ones that support you. I so desperately want to let Alex in and open up to him, but the fear stops me from fully letting go. Despite the fact that he’s been nothing but phenomenal, there’s a wall in my heart that refuses to fall. It does feel like it might be crumbling a little at the edges, though.

I wiggle a bit in my seat and vow to read for the next twenty minutes before I take another break to stare off into space. I set a timer on my phone, start my playlist and draw my eyes down to my book.

The next time I look up, I realize way more than twenty minutes have passed and I’ve made it at least halfway through the book. When I get immersed in a really good story, time doesn’t exist, but I need to stretch and rest my eyes for a minute. I slide my Gilmore Girls bookmark in place and set my book down.

Before long, the first class attendant is coming around to bring us our dinner. I’ve never flown first class, mostly because I never fly, so I haven’t ever eaten a meal on a plane like this before.

She sets down a warm plate with some sort of pasta dish covered in tomato sauce. There’s a small slice of warmed bread on the side, along with a chocolate chip cookie. My stomach betrays me by growling and Alex lets out a chuckle.

“You must be hungry,” he says to me.

“I didn’t have much for lunch today, just ate a quick protein bar before I left for the airport, so I am pretty hungry.”

The attendant brings me a glass of white wine and I take a sip before digging into my food, humming after the first bite. Airplane food has no right being this good.

“Is yours as good as mine, or am I just so hungry that anything would taste good at this point?” I ask.

“No, mine is pretty good for airplane food. I’m sure we will find much better once we get to Paris, but it definitely isn’t bad.”

I nod and keep eating, but as I get to the end of my plate I start to think that maybe I should leave a little pasta behind so it doesn’t look like I ate too much. I leave a few bites worth on my plate and move to the cookie. I split it in half and slip the other half back into the sleeve it came in and set it aside.

I finish half of the cookie and then look down at my plate, recognizing I’m still hungry and really want to finish it, but feeling like I can’t. It’s irritating when I do this.

I’ve talked to my counselor about these moments. It will happen randomly. Brad’s voice flashes through my head, all the comments he made throughout the years coming back, and I experience an overwhelming feeling of not enough .

Today, and most times, it’s finishing my meal. Sometimes it’s trying on new clothes or trying something a bit more form fitting. Other times it’s messaging a guy on a dating app.

There’s no way that’s going to fit you.

Your hips are really feeling fuller.

Do you really think you’d be able to find anyone but me? I remember him saying after a pretty nasty fight where I threatened to leave.

I’ve done so much work to move past the way he affected me, but it still paralyzes me sometimes, especially when my anxiety is high—which it absolutely has been today. It’s frustrating to be a year past the breakup and still struggling with this, but I’m further along than I used to be so I have to give myself some credit.

I pull out my journal that Dr. Rodriguez gave me and write down my actions and the thoughts that came up. I notice Alex looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I ignore him and continue to jot down the phrases that came to mind as I was working on finishing my food. I think he might ask me about it, but he doesn’t.

After I’ve finished writing everything down I put my small notebook back into my backpack, take a deep breath and begin eating again.

I eat slowly, assessing how I feel after each bite, and stop once I am actually full, which is after I’ve finished the pasta dish and eaten the slice of bread, leaving half of the cookie behind. I slip it into my backpack for later and then grab the small blanket and pillow the airline provided and tap Alex on the shoulder.

“I’m going to try to get some rest.”

“Okay, sure. How are you feeling?”

“Better than I expected. A little jittery but nothing too terrible.”

His grin would have knocked me over had I not been sitting down. I was nervous about this trip, but each step I’ve taken today has felt like a huge accomplishment and it feels good to prove to myself that I can do this. Just because something seems scary doesn’t mean I can’t do it.

“That’s great Lanie. I’m so proud of you.”

My unstable emotions can’t handle his kindness.

“Thanks,” I say with a smile before turning to face the opposite way and settling into my seat. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep thinking about Alex’s hand in mine and his words of encouragement whispered into my ear.