Tied Together (The Cade Siblings Duology #1)

28. Alana

CHAPTER 28

Alana

“How did you find a place like this in France?” I ask incredulously.

“It’s not hard to use Google, Lanie.” He continues pulling me forward. I take note of the fact that we are still holding hands, and although it would probably do us both some good if I let go, I don’t. It’s getting harder and harder to resist the pull between us.

We walk in and I take in the tiny store inside of the barn. There is a fireplace in the corner that makes the room feel warm and cozy and there are all kinds of different ornaments lining the shelves. I walk around and browse—touching the sparkly glass balls and admiring them—as Alex exchanges a few words with the man behind the counter.

“We just head out this way,” Alex says, as he gestures to the back door, “and point out the one we want to one of the staff members. They’ll cut it down and wrap it up for us. I don’t think we can get anything too big, because it won’t fit on the car, but we can get a pretty good sized one. Come on, let’s go.” He takes my hand again and I let him.

We walk outside into the cold and stroll down the rows and rows of trees.

“I haven’t ever had a real tree before, we always got artificial ones. They all smell so incredible.” I lean in and take a deep breath, inhaling the pine and snow.

“That’s funny, we’re the opposite. After that trip to the tree farm my mom took me to, we never went anywhere else. Once I moved away, though, I bought her one so she didn’t have to go out and deal with the hassle of getting a real tree in the house. It was too much for her to do without me and I didn’t want her to have to wait for me to put her decorations up. She’s a November first decorator,” he says with a laugh.

“You and your mom have a really good relationship,” I say as a statement, not a question, because it’s obvious they do.

“Yeah, we do. She’s great and we got a lot closer once it was just the two of us.” We continue forward, making comments about certain trees and keeping track of the top contenders. “What about you?” he asks. “You don’t talk about your family much.”

“Yeah,” I shrug. “They’re good parents, they just don’t really acknowledge my existence most days.” I laugh a sad sort of huff. “Then once my brother and I moved out they sort of stopped coming around at all and that was the last straw for Charlie. He tried to keep up a relationship with them and hoped for the best as far as their relationship with me, but it never got better and he got bitter.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just lets the silence hang between us, and it makes me want to keep talking.

“I think they really embraced the empty nester lifestyle. Charlie started playing hockey when he was five and my dad was his biggest supporter. My parents were obsessed with his hockey career, and I wasn’t into sports so I fell to the wayside. They weren’t bad parents, they just clearly favored one child over the other.”

“One might classify that as less than ideal parenting,” Alex says under his breath. I continue like I didn’t hear him.

“Charlie liked the attention, but once he realized they weren’t giving it to me as well he came to resent it. Then, once we left for college, they completely gutted and renovated our rooms. Mine turned into mom’s athletic studio with a full wall mirror, more yoga mats than you could ever want, and a cycling machine. Charlie’s is now Dad’s man cave, which I guess he gets to take advantage of if we ever go home. I don’t know, it’s weird. In college my friends would talk about going home for breaks and getting to stay in their childhood bedrooms, but I just slept on a springy pull out couch. They still keep up with his career and my dad calls to debrief every game, although Charlie never picks up.”

At this point, we aren’t really looking at the trees. We came across one a few rows back that I think is the winner, so now we’re just strolling. I feel so safe with him and it feels like I can tell him anything. I notice, not for the first time, how different this feels from my previous relationship.

Brad never actually listened to me when I shared anything about how I felt about my parent’s dismissal of Charlie and I. He would tell me my feelings were dumb and I should be grateful I even had parents and then move on to whatever he wanted to talk about.

It made it difficult to decipher exactly how I felt about the situation, because any time I started to get frustrated with them or sad they weren’t around more, I’d feel guilty. Guilt that I wasn’t just grateful for the fact that they took care of Charlie and I, and put us through college.

I’ve been learning though, through lots of therapy, that I can hold space for my thankfulness for a good childhood and also acknowledge the pain that I feel at being thrown to the side as I got older.

“Did that bother you?” Alex asks. “That they changed your rooms?”

“I acted like it didn’t bother me, but if I was honest with myself it probably did more than I let on.”

He squeezes my hand in solidarity and we continue walking. He stays quiet, so I continue.

“Soon after we left for college, they took this year-long road trip and drove all over the US. It looked like they were having a ton of fun, but it was weird for the holidays and breaks. Charlie and I came home to an empty house every time, and that was fun at first, we would get the whole place to ourselves and we had a few parties with Cami and some other friends. Eventually though, when everyone else was spending Christmas with their parents and loved ones while we sat home alone eating delivery pizza it lost its excitement pretty quick. I felt like that scene from Home Alone, when Kevin is walking on the sidewalk at night and he looks into the window of one of the houses and it’s a glowy and happy picture. The whole family is crowded around a dinner table enjoying a meal together and laughing. I could imagine what he felt like at that moment.

“I thought after that one weird year it would be back to normal, but they loved traveling so much that they were gone for most holidays, off to the next exciting adventure. They raised us well and loved us and I don’t doubt that they still do. It just feels like they don’t care as much about our lives now as they used to. I think that’s why Christmas is such a big deal to me. When we started having holidays alone, just Charlie and I, we had to come up with things that made the holiday feel special again, things that were just ours. So not doing those things feels weird.”

Alex nods his head and hums in understanding, but continues walking without saying much. I don’t say anything else, but the silence is nice. It allows me to think and reflect.

After a while of walking, still hand in hand, Alex finally speaks.

“I’m sorry your parents didn’t stick around, Lanie,” he says, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.

“It’s alright. We got by okay.”

“It isn’t alright though. Parents are supposed to love and cherish you. They brought you into this world and they have a responsibility to nurture and love you, even in adulthood.”

He pauses again, collecting his thoughts.

“I’m sure their dismissal made you feel like you didn’t matter to them, and that might make your other relationships, like with Charlie, all the more important. If he makes you feel loved and like you matter, I bet you’d want to hold that relationship close.”

I nod, because he took the words right out of my mouth, and turn to him.

“I think you’re right. Charlie has always made me feel like I was the most important person in the world to him. He is an incredible brother.” I pause, lost in thought. “Thanks for listening. It means a lot.” I know I’m blushing, I can feel my face heat, but I don’t really care. This man is so sweet and genuine that I can’t help it.

“Always.” He pulls me in for a hug and I melt against him. He smells incredible, and before he pulls away he places a gentle kiss to the top of my head. It feels like the most natural thing in the world, for him to place a chaste kiss there. Like we were made to fit together in this way. It’s a sobering thought and takes me by surprise, but I don’t hate it. It feels good. The embrace ends and he continues forward, pulling me along with his grip on my hand.

“Come on, let’s go tell them which one we want.”

We walk to one of the staff members at the farm and Alex points our tree out. They get to work bundling it up for us and we head back inside the small building at the front to pay.

“Before I pay for the tree, we need to get some ornaments. I figured we could each pick one out for the other person.”

I don’t say anything for a beat, trying to figure out what he’s doing here.

“That’s the first item on my traditions list,” I say, narrowing my eyes at him. “Picking out ornaments for each other.”

“It is,” he says, nonchalantly.

I stare at him for another few seconds and he finally breaks out in a smile.

“We’re completing your list, sunshine.”

Completing my list?

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? It’s important to you, is it not?”

I nod my head.

“That’s all I need to hear. Now pick out an ornament, they close soon. And no peeking. I have an idea for the perfect one for you.”

He turns around and starts browsing the aisles, leaving me behind. There’s nothing to do but go along with it, but as I walk up and down rows and rows of ornaments, I’m resigned to the fact that I don’t think I am going to make it out of this month without falling for this man.