To Scale the Emerald Mountain (The Willowbane Saga #1)

38. CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

ELLYA

M y sobs are hysterical as I hold my mate’s body, clawing at his chest to pull his dead weight closer, willing my actions to be undone.

But it is done.

Alec’s blood runs and pools around my knees. The stickiness leaching into my clothes fuels my panicked grief—seemingly seeping into my skin and causing all the blank and gray spots of my memory to fill back in. The dark ink spreads rapidly to fill the hungry holes where Alec lived, squeezing the ragged air out of my lungs while my salty tears run into my mouth.

All the years of friendship and companionship. Visits and lessons and beautiful letters. Laughs and smiles. Comfort through struggles. Sharing of stories and memories. Time spent with each other and our families. Celebrating holidays and birthdays and exchanging gifts. We shared every part of our lives with each other, eager to experience what made the other happy as we worked towards our goal of what we were always meant to be.

So much happiness; so much love.

Eighteen years of building a beautiful, solid foundation of pouring into each other and learning about each other. All the love and excitement over a lifetime Fated to be spent with a person that meant more than what a bond claimed we were.

I know him to the very marrow of my bones.

Those memories that made my life so vibrant and happy have finally returned.

Only now, it’s too late.

Holding Alec tightly, I cry for several long minutes, unable to let go, unable to move. Unable to accept the reality of what was right in front of me and how I willingly pushed him away because I couldn’t come to terms with what had happened to me.

While wallowing in my hurt, I denied myself comfort and love.

I let Locane win. He tried to use his dark magic to sever my mating bond with Alec, and though Locane didn’t succeed the way he intended, he still won in the end.

Screaming, I let the weight of all that Locane did and the repercussions crash down on me, caving in my chest. I’ve tried to bury and stifle that pain for too long and it’s coming to wreak havoc on me all at once.

My anguish for all that Locane put me through rips through me, jagged splinters embedding in my very existence. The lies and manipulation. The cruelty of his words for the sole purpose of making me doubt myself; to make me believe that I needed him far after the hold of his magic wore off. The small affectionate touches and breadcrumbs of compliments to solidify that dependence. The way that he touched my body so selflessly, making it appear that it was only for me, not demanding his own pleasure.

The way he used my bond with his brother to make me trust him. He made me believe that deep down there may have been something there with us.

And it worked so well.

Every time my doubt and mistrust in Locane began to creep up again, he would feed me those small instances of home and familiarity that was all Alec. I fed off the way my heart—my soul—longed for my mate, starved and demanding sustenance.

And then when I had what I needed all along right in front of me, I pushed him away.

I let Locane win.

My sobs begin to calm, but my hold on Alec’s lifeless body stays firm, my blood slicked arms clutching him against me. In Alec’s death, it’s as if the Fates are wrenching my soul from my body—tearing the fabric of myself to shreds to join my mate in death.

My chest squeezes tightly; so tightly I will surely die from it. I welcome the idea of death, hope for the slowing of my breaths and for my heart to go still. For there is no life without Alec.

Just as he told me, my life is meaningless if he isn’t in it.

I won’t survive this, and the thought of joining my mate in true death brings me relief.

The crushing weight on my chest intensifies. I can’t stop myself from clutching the spot above my heart, crying out with the jarring pain.

My heartbeat is heavy and sharp with waves of fire, like a branding iron being plunged repeatedly into the organ with each reluctant pump.

When I’m certain I’m going to succumb to the agony, the precious light that lived within me flares back to life, bright and fierce with white hot flame.

I scream again just as a wet, rattling breath gasps beneath me.

Disbelieving, I look down to Alec, wide eyed and bleeding chest heaving—struggling to get a full breath .

He pulls away from my arms to roll over onto all fours before clutching his chest and bellowing an animalistic roar, the sound echoing against the sandstone walls around us.

Alec heaves. Once, twice, three times before vomiting blood and tissue matter all over the stones beneath him. He repeats the action as I sit on my knees, bracing myself with one hand and watching the gory scene—stunned into silence.

The burning heat in my chest has eased to a light, pleasurable ache, like poking at an almost healed bruise. I keep my hand over my heart and the blazing light within, wrapping my head around what’s happening and willing it to be real.

When Alec finishes expelling the contents of his stomach, he pants heavily, spitting and wiping his mouth. He pushes to his feet, groaning loud. His hair is a wild mess; his inky black strands are wet and shining with streaks of red. Blood coats Alec’s face, neck, and most of his body. He rests his hands on his knees, bent forward, trying to catch his breath.

As his weary gaze meets mine, my eyes go wide.

“You… You can’t die?” I squeak out in disbelief.

Alec’s eyes turn hard, and he spits another mouthful of blood, rubbing his chest as he stands erect. He stalks towards me until his full height towers over my cowering form on the ground.

His face contorts with piercing fury.

“I am so sorry to disappoint,” Alec seethes before roughly reaching down and pulling me to my feet beneath my arms.

I stagger and right myself, grabbing a pillar that supports the balcony.

“I can certainly die, just not by your hand.” Alec closes the final distance between us, until our bodies are flush. “So, I encourage you,” he grits between bloodstained teeth. “Please, stab me in the fucking heart—as many times as it takes—until you kill the image of him when you look at me!” His enraged, heartbroken face is barely an inch from mine as he screams.

My tears have come back, streaming down my face in scorching rivulets.

Alec cups my cheeks roughly in his bloody hands as I gasp for breath.

“I live for you, Ellya. And I will die for you, every day, if that is what you need to come back to me,” he tells me passionately, forcing my eyes to meet his. “And if you cannot come back to me, go find someone else to drive a blade through my heart as you watch, because I would rather die than live my life without you. I have nothing to give unless it is to you.”

“Admit it. Admit that you’re angry with me!” I demand through my tears.

Everything regarding Alec that I have buried for weeks is bubbling to the surface, boiling my organs and refusing to be ignored any longer.

“Yes, I am angry!” Alec yells at me, pulling the hair at his temples, adding to the wildness about him. “I am fucking furious with you! But not for any of the reasons you think. For all the ways that Locane failed in everything that he tried to do, you are willingly giving him this victory!”

Alec continues to rage. “I did not think I could truly goad you into killing me. A part of me did not believe that you could ever truly fathom the idea of a life where I am no longer breathing.” He pauses, hurt painted across his face. “I was a fool.”

I gape at him in outrage. “You were trying to get me to kill you?”

“I had hoped that you spilling my blood would be what it took to break the spell of Locane’s dark magic. I see that I was wrong.” Alec turns to leave, his steps slow and labored in his defeat as he limps away, still struggling to take even breaths.

Tears fall freely down my cheeks as I watch him walk away.

The endless wave of guilt, shame, and betrayal washes over me, drowning me in the dark cloud of my actions.

I can’t stand it.

The need to make myself physically hurt, to make my body scream in pain to match the harrowing state of my mind, takes over—possessing me fully.

Rearing back my hand, I slap myself across the face as hard as I can, my neck snapping to the side.

Alec freezes as the slap rings across the pitch. He turns back to me.

Pulling back my other hand, I slap even harder across the other cheek, my sobs ragged and uncontrollable.

Alec’s face registers horror before running to me.

“Stop!” He grabs both of my wrists as I pull back to hit myself again. “Ellya, stop!”

I struggle against him, trying to break free to continue my assault against myself, but he holds me tighter, banding his arms around me to pin mine at my sides.

“Why do you care, Alec? I betrayed you!”

“You did not betray me,” he says vehemently.

“Yes, I did.” I go limp in his arms.

Alec shakes his head, eyes shining. “He violated you.”

“You saw it yourself,” I cry. “I was a willing participant.”

Alec regards me with gut wrenching sadness. “You really think so little of me that I would witness your trauma without your permission?” he asks me in disbelief. “I would never violate you further by doing so. ”

Alec’s admission at not looking at that particular memory in Locane’s mind only fuels my guilty shame.

“I enjoyed it.” The words taste like death, telling Alec my dirty truth that has been eating me alive, devouring everything within me with its rotten teeth.

“Of course, you enjoyed it,” Alec says to me with care and understanding. “Locane purposely used my connection with him to manipulate your bond with me into enjoying it. He fed you just enough pieces of me that live within him to make you think what you were doing was right.”

I sob hysterically, refusing to look at Alec. He takes my chin in his hand, turning me to face him. “I have already told you, there is nothing that could ever happen to change what we are.” His eyes burn into me. “I am yours, in this life and the next.”

My resolve breaks with his acceptance of me, even with my truths in the open. I wrap my arms around him, holding him as tightly as I can. My fingers dig into his bare back, crusted with blood from all the ways I cut into him, clawing into his skin to try to bring him closer. Burying my face in his chest, I breathe in his comforting scent as my horrors rain from my eyes.

Alec’s arms encircle me and pull me into him.

“I’m so sorry,” I wail into his warm skin.

“There is nothing to forgive.”

He holds me tight and strokes my hair as I cry, releasing all the crushing weight I’ve been harboring for months all at once, shedding its heaviness and allowing Alec to hold it with me.

He rubs my back and kisses the top of my head repeatedly, desperately .

After several long minutes, I pull back a fraction, and he allows me. He looks down at me, eyes shining, and his throat bobs as he takes me in.

“You weren’t wrong.” Reaching to pull one of Alec’s hands from my back, I place his palm over my heart. “I feel you,” I say and he loosens a breath, closing his eyes. Guiding his other hand to my face until his fingertips rest at my temple, I cover it with mine.

“I know you,” I whisper through my tears, and his restraint breaks. Alec’s breath is ragged as he allows his tears to fall. I run my hand over his cheek to wipe them away and he nuzzles into my touch. “I’m sorry.”

“You remember me now?” he asks, disbelieving. “Everything?”

I nod.

Running my hand down his cheek, my fingers smear the partially dried blood. My thumb barely grazes his bottom lip, pulling it down ever so slightly. Alec groans as his eyes flutter closed. I lean up, standing on the tips of my toes, and gently place a kiss on his bottom lip.

Alec’s hand threads in my hair at the nape of my neck, tugging gently, as he tips my head back and brings his mouth to mine, claiming it with a hungry sweep of his tongue.

“I am glad you did it,” he says as he pulls away panting, placing his forehead against mine.

We hold each other in silence as our breathing and tears calm.

Alec finally pulls away and kisses the tip of my nose. “Will you spend the day with me?” he asks me timidly, almost as if he’s nervous, and it makes my heart patter.

“Of course,” I whisper .

Alec leaves me at the pillar, going to retrieve my staff. His movements are slow and pained; his coloring is off. A twinge of guilt eats at me as he walks back to me, thoroughly worse for wear.

“Shouldn’t you grab your swords?” I ask him when he leaves them behind.

He offers me a crooked smile. “They will find their way back to my chambers. Your weapon is far more valuable. Would you be kind enough to take me to the kitchen? I fear I do not have the strength to bring myself there, on my feet or otherwise.”

My answer is to put my arms around his waist, the living magic encasing my heart sings with our bare skin touching, at my acceptance of him. It paws at the veil still separating us, begging to be complete. Alec holds me tight as I lean into my magic and pull us into the void, reappearing in the kitchen.

He’s still holding me close when the room takes form.

Alec steps forwards, walking me back, not breaking eye contact. My core tightens with the heat in his stare. My back gently hits the counter, and he breaks away from my gaze, placing my staff on the surface behind me.

Alec studies my face, my hair, my outfit before he inhales deep and shakes his head. “You are divine covered in blood. And wielding unheard of power. I cannot wait to see how you wield it with practice.”

“I’m sorry I destroyed your training pitch.” I subtly pull in my bottom lip.

Alec runs his thumb over my mouth and whispers, “Our training pitch.”

He reaches up and toys with a piece of the long ribbon in my hair before offering me a boyish smile. “I hoped you would like that. I was pleasantly surprised to see it wrapped around you. ”

A confident grin splits across my face. “I guess I had a need to remind you that I’m the true gift.”

Alec’s face lights up, and he laughs deep, the sound shooting straight to my knees, making them weak. He holds me closer and rubs his nose against mine.

“I cannot argue there. You are the greatest gift.” He kisses me, his full lips warm and soft against mine.

Alec pulls back a fraction, and I frown at him, wanting him to continue.

“Is this okay?”

The question is soft and caring and warms my soul. Where I would have fought that steadfast warmth earlier today, I allow myself to be wrapped in it now, pulling it tight around myself.

Being lost to the depths of uncertainty, my self-depreciation festered. I convinced myself I wasn’t deserving of this blind devotion and unconditional love from Alec that I had no inkling of where it came from in the absence of all our memories. For eternal, miserable minutes, I knew the loss of my mate and was given a glimpse of the pain I was causing him with my rejection.

The rejection that I gave thinking that I was sparing him.

“Yes,” I say, leaving him no question to wonder about my comfort level with his touch.

For emphasis, I bury my face in Alec’s neck and begin planting kisses on every inch of skin I can find. He twines his fingers through my hair at the nape of my neck, my tight bun long since loosened, and pulls with pleasurable force before his mouth meets mine.

Moaning into him, he takes the invitation, gripping the back of my thighs with his strong hands before depositing me on the counter. I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist, hooking my ankles and using them to pull him closer to me.

His breath catches. “Elly,” he whispers thickly.

With each sweep of his tongue, my hips roll towards his.

Alec’s graceful fingers work their way over the fabric of my shirt, pulling it out of the waistband of my pants a fraction with each pass. When it finally breaks free, his fingertips dance below the hem to reach my bare skin.

I mewl at his touch, and he chuckles into my mouth as he splays his hands across my hips under my shirt. Alec starts inching those teasing fingers up until he brushes the pads of his fingers over each one of my ribs, slowly, as if trying to intimately memorize each one.

I gasp as the overwhelming sensation of his simple touch sends my want into overdrive, wetness rapidly building between my legs.

My head tilts to the side to deepen our kiss, eliciting a groan from Alec that gives me a sense of power in new ways I’ve never considered being capable of.

He pulls away a fraction, gazing down at me lovingly before his head lowers. His lips land just above my clavicle, kissing along it as two of his long, slender fingers find the column of my neck and start tracing down.

I’m breathless and pulling at the silky strands of his blood-caked hair when he stops his mouth above the tender swells of my breasts.

My breaths heave as I roll my hips into him, desperate for any friction.

Years of lusting for this perfect man who refused to touch me—to kiss me—because of our vast age difference is crashing down on me at once.

My senses are overwhelmed with Alec’s touch, making me tremble and moan .

I’m dying for more.

He pushes his hardness into me, letting me feel every long, thick inch. “Do you feel my desire for you?” he whispers against my sensitive skin. “I desire to be near you, always; to make you smile and laugh and then steal the sound with my mouth to selfishly keep for myself.”

Alec quickly moves up and sucks the lobe of my ear just barely between his lips before capturing it in his teeth.

“I desire to touch you, to bathe in your scent, to breathe your very air.” Alec’s face is before mine; our noses touch. His mouth is parted with panting breaths against my lips, gorging on my air. “I desire to know how your silky little cunt feels while I push myself so deeply inside it, you could never scrape me out. But my desire for you runs far deeper than my all consuming lust. Your very existence is all consuming.”

Alec’s declaration has me hot and panting—melting into a pliant puddle, just for him.

His mouth meets mine, and I open for him, letting his tongue enter in a long, lazy sweep. He groans into me as he continues to kiss me hard, hungry, hot. The wetness pooling between my thighs soaks into my clothing as he draws more of my hot need out of me with each pass of his tongue.

I’m grinding into him shamelessly, moaning at how blissful pleasure builds in me just from the way he kisses me and the way I seek sweet friction against him.

Alec swiftly breaks our kiss, our lips making an obscene noise as they separate while I’m still fighting to devour him. He pats my thigh before unhooking my ankles and steps away. He not so discreetly tucks the head of his massive erection into the waistband of his pants, effectively hiding it .

“What—?” He leaves me a hot, panting mess on the counter, watching him with complete disbelief as he starts opening cabinets.

“I am famished,” Alec smiles at me cockily over his shoulder.

I jump down and stride to him angrily before pushing his arm. “Why’d you stop?”

Alec pulls out a knife and starts cutting into a loaf of bread, his hands still covered in dried blood. “We will not be intimate for the first time in a kitchen, where anyone could walk in, my clove.” He brings a piece of bread up to my mouth, indicating for me to open, and seductively feeding me a bite. “If anyone hears those delicious noises you make, I will have to kill them.”

I glower at Alec as I chew; but the thought of him killing someone for hearing my noises of pleasure makes me tingly and warm. He kisses my cheek and reaches behind me, lightly slapping my ass before cupping it rough, pulling me against his still hard cock tucked away, making me squeal.

“Or perhaps I just want to make you know a fraction of what I have these weeks while I have longed to touch and taste you and you have denied me what is mine. Perhaps I will take you upstairs and edge you for hours, until you are begging me to fill you. Until you would welcome death just to get a reprieve.”

Alec pushes away from me and leans against the counter, crossing his arms and watching me with intensity, amused fire dancing in his eyes. “Or maybe I will just feed you an illusion of me fucking you. I could stand across the room and watch you as you writhe on the floor, thinking you are riding my cock. I could watch as you come for me, without ever touching you at all.”

His dark promise takes me completely off guard. Alec has never been anything but appropriate and respectful towards me and the sudden turn has me reeling. I’m imagining the scene he’s laid out for me, bringing forth a new wave of desire. My knees go weak. I lean into him. He meets me halfway, scooping me into his arms.

“Mmm,” Alec hums happily, a smile playing on his full lips. “You like my filthy words, Elly?”

“Yes,” I murmur in a lusty whisper.

Alec laughs and kisses the tip of my nose. “Know that I will not truly fuck you until you are ready to accept all of me.”

Until you are ready to complete our bond. He doesn’t have to say it for me to know that’s what he means.

I stiffen, and he senses my unease.

Alec squeezes me in his arms with reassurance, and whispers to me, “Take as long as you need. I will be here.”