Trial by Fire

Chapter 16

The plane landed at Charles de Gaulle airport at five in the morning local time, on Tuesday. Dahlia went through customs and immigration with her French passport. She was home. Even if it didn’t feel that way, and she couldn’t let any of them know how she felt. If she’d been older or younger she would have stayed in San Francisco with Mark, but she couldn’t. She had changed in two months. Everything felt different now, and it wouldn’t be the same without him. Her car and driver were waiting at the airport. She walked Francisco for a few minutes, and then got in the car with him. She sent Mark a text. It was seven-thirty p.m. for him. He was lying in bed, and heard it come in. “Safely arrived. Nothing is the same. I will always love you.” And he answered her immediately. “I am always with you. I love you too.” They were like two kids madly in love. In a way it was silly, but it was wonderful too. She had never thought it could happen at her age, but it had. It was just miserable luck that they lived so far apart, and had obligations they couldn’t leave. Her children and her work, and his. And now they had to be grown-up about it. But she was sure she would never know the same joy again.

The house on the rue de Grenelle was quiet when she got home at six-thirty in the morning. Emma was asleep. Henri the butler gave her a hug when he came to work at seven, and the bags disappeared to her room. She took a bath and changed, and Francisco stayed close to her, not knowing where he was. She wore a chic gray suit to the office and was there at nine. She walked into Delphine’s office, and Delphine let out a scream and rushed to hug her mother, and for a minute Dahlia was glad to be home. This was why she had come home. Delphine looked tanned and well after a month in the south of France. Charles heard Delphine scream and came to see his mother a little later and hugged her too. He was more restrained, but he was happy to see her.

“You look great, Mom. And the mess is all over?”

“It is, and I didn’t pay a penny in settlement.”

“How did you manage that?” Charles asked her.

“I had a great lawyer,” she said quietly.

“That’ll probably cost you more than the settlement,” he said cynically, and she didn’t tell him that Mark had insisted on doing it for free. They had argued about it for days, but he was adamant and said he wasn’t going to charge the woman he loved legal fees. In the end, she gave in and thanked him profusely.

Agnes cried when she saw Dahlia, and everything for the wedding was on track. It was in four days, and there was nothing left for her to do.

Dahlia sat at her desk and felt like an imposter. It didn’t feel like her desk or her office anymore after two months away, and so much had happened.

“How’s your leg?” Delphine asked her.

“A little skinnier than the other one, but I have exercises to do, and it doesn’t hurt. I’m fine.” Fine, but now she had a broken heart, which was worse.

There were little stacks of messages on her desk. Everyone had been informed that she was returning, and she had done enough by email while she was away to keep abreast of what was going on, and nothing happened in France in August. Most people had come home the Sunday before, and some people wouldn’t be back for another week. No one had missed her.

She had brought Francisco to the office with her, and he sniffed around, and wagged his tail when he met people. And at seven o’clock she went home, as she did every night. Emma was back, and came bounding into her room to say hello. Her hair was still pink and she was bubbling over with excitement about her show. It was going to be in October, and she had a lot of work to get ready. In a way, it was like nothing had changed, and Dahlia hadn’t been gone at all. It was a strange feeling. She had texted Alex too, to say she was coming home, but there was no word of welcome. She would see her at the wedding if not before. Alex would have to prove a point and punish her for not coming home earlier as planned, so she could get married in August. In the end, it had worked out much better for September, and there were more guests coming than originally.

She had seen three of her children by that night, and she had an omelet and a cup of soup for dinner, alone in the dining room. She had forgotten how lonely and solitary her life was, with grown children who were busy, a job that filled her days but not her nights, and a man she only saw two days a week. She spent weekends alone most of the time, except if she visited Delphine if she and her family weren’t in the country, or Emma had nothing else to do and agreed to go to a gallery with her. For years it had been enough, but it no longer was. There was no one to walk with, to sleep with, to talk to, to cook with and eat with, and make love and laugh with. She had come home to the solitary sentence that had been her life for so long that she no longer noticed it, and now she noticed it acutely. It was deprivation of everything she and Mark had shared and she’d come to love. It was everything she had given up to come home, and her family would never know.

She’d had Agnes invite them all to dinner on Thursday night, for an informal dinner at home. They would all have plans on Friday night with their friends before the wedding. And she might have to have dinner with Paul’s parents, Alex’s in-laws, so she had kept the night free. The full social season would begin in a few weeks, as Paris came alive again after the summer.

She texted Philippe that night. “Just got home today. Would love to see you. Does tomorrow work for you?” He responded very quickly with, “Perfect. Love to, welcome home!” Their usual nights were Monday and Thursday, and he didn’t like to deviate from the schedule, but they hadn’t seen each other in two months.

—

She couldn’t sleep that night and kept wondering what Mark was doing, and calculating the time difference, but it seemed cruel to keep contacting him, and she was trying not to. It was hard to believe she had come home that morning. It already felt as though she had never left. She was right back in the same routine. And by the end of the week, California and everything that had happened there would seem like a dream.

Francisco was lying on her bed, waiting for her, and looked as though he felt lost too. He didn’t know where he was. All his familiar places and people were gone again.

“We’ll both get used to it soon,” she whispered to him, and he snuggled close to her when she got into bed. It was only three in the afternoon in San Francisco, and Mark would be in the office, but she didn’t call him, and after she lay awake for a long time, she fell asleep.

—

Dahlia’s alarm clock woke her as it always did at seven o’clock. She showered and dressed and had breakfast on a tray in her home office, and checked her emails. There was nothing she particularly wanted to read, and went through them quickly. Mark hadn’t written to her, as they’d agreed. Only in emergencies or dire need were they going to contact each other.

She left for the office promptly at nine o’clock and was at her desk twenty minutes later when Charles strode into her office with a purposeful look.

“Can I speak to you?” he asked, looking increasingly nervous, and she went to kiss him, and then sat down at her desk again. She was sure he was going to tell her about some enormous expense that had to stop, some part of business that was out of control or someone who had done something that had to be addressed. She hoped it was nothing worse. He looked extremely serious. “I have something to tell you,” he said in a very adult tone. He seemed older and less carefree than when she left. “Catherine and I are getting married. She’s having a baby, and she wants to keep it. I don’t think that’s right, to have the baby out of wedlock. We want to get married. I know you don’t approve of her, and that she’s nine years older, but I’ve given it a lot of thought, and it’s what I want to do.” It was a heavy hit for her second day back, but she tried to be equal to it and not overreact. She hesitated for a minute and looked at him squarely.

“Is it really what you want, or do you feel obligated, as though it’s what you ‘should’ do? There’s a big difference, Charles. What do you want to do?” It was the same question Delphine had asked him, which surprised him, coming from his mother. He had been sure she’d have a fit, but she wasn’t. He had been braced for it. She was astonishingly calm, not happy, but sensible and down-to-earth.

“It’s what I want,” he said more gently. “I love her. I don’t care that she’s nearly ten years older. And I want to be married to have our baby. I think I might adopt her daughter too. She doesn’t see her father and he seems to have disappeared. We don’t want a big wedding like Alex, just a small civil ceremony with the family and a few friends. We could do it at the house, if that’s all right with you.”

“Of course it is. It’s your home too. And if it’s what you really want, you have my blessing. And I’m sure Catherine and I will get used to each other, when she’s part of the family.” She had made no effort so far in three years, so Dahlia hadn’t either. She had assumed that Catherine was temporary, even after three years. And she might have been, without the baby, but not now. Charles stared at his mother as she said it. Something had changed. She seemed more open to letting them do what they wanted. He couldn’t have imagined her doing that before. She fully accepted his decision and respected his choice. He was at heart a traditional and moral man, aware of his responsibilities and willing to fulfill them. And he loved Catherine more than he had realized before.

“Thank you, Mom.” He came around and kissed her and she stood up and hugged him with tears in her eyes.

“Sometimes you have to take a risk, Charlie. And you have to be with the person you love. I had that with your father, and I want that for you.” They chatted for a few more minutes and he left and went straight to Delphine.

“Oh my God, I just told Mom about the baby and marrying Catherine and she was fine with it, she gave me her blessing. I thought she was going to kill me. She was really sweet about it.”

“She’s a sweet person, and I think she’s willing to let us grow up now,” Delphine said quietly. “I think she’s grown up too. I think it was hard to be away this summer. She went through a lot. That changes you. She just wants us to be happy, all of us. That’s all she ever wanted.” Alex had never understood it, and Charles never thought about it.

“I know it sounds crazy because she’s so much older, but I love Catherine. And I didn’t think I was ready for a baby but maybe I am.”

“You can’t send it back once it’s here,” she reminded him, and he laughed.

“If it cries too much and drives me crazy, I’ll drop it off at your house. You’re good with kids.”

“No, you don’t! Catherine knows what she’s doing, she’s already had a child. Anyway, I’m glad you told Mom, and she was nice about it.” Delphine had been nervous about it too. She had never been a fan of Catherine’s.

“Well, that’s one worry taken care of.” He headed for his office then, with a lighter step and a big smile. And he called Catherine and told her the news.

In her office, Dahlia was hoping that he was doing the right thing. He seemed like such an innocent to her, and a child, but he was a grown man, and she had to respect what he wanted, and let him fly on his own. She couldn’t have done that before, but she was ready to now.

Agnes came in with a cup of coffee for her, and Dahlia told her the news. “We have another wedding to plan. Charles is getting married. He just wants a small civil ceremony and lunch at the house.”

“With Catherine?” Agnes knew how Dahlia felt about her.

“Yes. I’m trying to respect his choice and his right to make his own decisions. They all seem to have managed pretty well without me this summer.”

“Maybe it was good for you too. They’re growing up. And Delphine did such a good job.”

“I know she did.” Dahlia smiled at her. There was a certain sense of freedom about letting them try their own wings.

The day flew by with everything she had to do, and she left at seven and just had time to wash her face, brush her hair, and put on lipstick when Philippe arrived. Henri showed him into the library as always, and brought him a glass of red wine, the Chateau Haut-Brion he loved. They kept cases of it in the wine cellar for him. Philippe kissed her on both cheeks as soon as she walked into the room and he looked genuinely happy to see her.

“My God, I thought you were never coming back, you were gone forever.”

“You were away for most of it, so you can’t complain,” she reminded him. “When did you get back?”

“Two days ago,” he said with a laugh. “How did all the legal mess work out? I didn’t hear from you after a while, but I assumed you were taking care of it and were in good hands.” But he had hardly called to check on her. He was having fun in the south of France.

“It all got resolved. I didn’t get sued. I didn’t have to pay a settlement. In fact, they gave me one.”

“You must have had a good lawyer,” he said. He looked very jovial, and he thought she looked beautiful. He was looking forward to having sex with her after dinner. It had been too long.

“I did have a good lawyer. And it was stressful, but it all worked out.”

He told her about the people she knew that he’d seen in Cap-Ferrat. He’d had a pleasant, relaxing summer, and he didn’t mention his wife. He was happy to be back now, and ready to resume his routine with Dahlia. Monday and Thursday nights and occasional special events.

They had a very good dinner of duck, one of his favorites, which she’d ordered for him. She wanted to end it on a nice note. He put his hand on hers after dinner, always his signal to her that he was ready to go upstairs. “We can skip dessert,” he said slyly. He was hungry for her—it had been two months. But she realized more than ever now how limited and shallow their relationship had been. It was mostly about sex twice a week and he’d go home to his wife, and having someone fun and intelligent to go to parties with. But he was always on loan, and never hers. And he didn’t love her, and she didn’t love him. She liked him a lot, and had a deep affection for him, but it wasn’t enough, and never had been.

“We’re not going upstairs tonight,” she said to him gently, and he looked surprised.

“Are you tired, darling? Of course, you just got back yesterday, and you probably went straight to the office.”

“I did, you know me.” She smiled at him.

“Yes, I do.” He was too much of a gentleman to make a fuss about being put off.

She looked him in the eye and spoke to him honestly. “I can’t do this anymore, Philippe. It doesn’t feel right. It’s dishonest to Jacqueline, and for us too. I make it easy for you to stay married to her. I provide what she doesn’t. I want to be more than that in someone’s life, more than just a filler, or a stand-in, or an add-on. You’re not in love with me, and you never will be. I don’t want to be someone’s girl on the side hiding in a closet, while you stay married.”

“I do love you, darling. I just don’t want to get married.”

“You are married. You forget that you are every Monday and Thursday night, and you remember as soon as you go home, or to Cap-Ferrat with her all summer. I deserve better than that.”

“I can’t get divorced,” he said, still looking surprised by what she was saying. “Our families and Julien would be shocked. No one in our family has ever gotten divorced. I’ve always told you that.”

“Yes, you did, and I thought it wouldn’t bother me, but it does.”

“Is there someone else?” he asked her, and he didn’t like that idea.

“Yes,” she said. “Me. I don’t want to live your lie with you anymore. I wanted to be honest with you and see you to tell you.”

“No more Mondays and Thursdays?” He looked crestfallen.

“No, no more.”

“I’ll miss you,” he said. But she had been reminded now of what real love was. She didn’t want to settle for less. It made her feel cheap, but she didn’t say that to him. He had done his best and lived up to what he’d said in the beginning. He hadn’t changed. She had. “Well, let me know if you change your mind. You might get bored with all those dull bachelors we know.”

“You’d be the first one I’d call,” she said, and he smiled and got up regretfully. If she wasn’t going to sleep with him, he had no interest in being there. It was very clear how little she had meant to him. She was just a convenience, and a woman he wanted to show off with. She realized even more now how demeaning it had been. Her relationship with Mark had been clean and respectful. With Philippe, it never was. He made his way to the front door, and she went with him. She kissed his cheek and smiled. She had no bad feelings toward him. He wasn’t a bad man, she just didn’t want to play anymore, or be his toy.

“Thank you for dinner,” he said, and lowered his voice discreetly, “and for six very amusing years.” She didn’t want “amusing” now. She wanted real. He opened the door and left, and she went upstairs to Francisco waiting for her, and she felt independent and strong. She’d rather be alone now than the plaything of a married man. It was done. She felt better immediately. She almost texted Mark to tell him, but decided not to. It made no difference now for them. It was just the right thing to do. Mark was gone. And so was Philippe. She was alone.