Twisted Deceit (Deceit #3)

Chapter 47

Jasper declared it was break time for him too. Which meant that we found ourselves sitting on the floor, leaning against his bed.

I leaned against his side; arm wrapped around me as he chugged from a bottle of water.

“How are you doing?”

“Okay.” Tired, but that was normal these days. Not so tired I’d fall asleep sitting here. Well, I could since it was Jasper I was leaning on.

“Tell me what you want.”

I sighed, hating this new game he started. He wanted me to tell him things. A want, a need, or a wish randomly.

I wasn’t good at this game, at all.

“The truth.” The truth at all times from him. I knew he’d never lie, but a small part of me was still hurt, even though it was getting smaller and smaller as the days went by.

Shouldn’t I hold onto that hurt longer, though? Shouldn’t I make him suffer like I had?

But then, was it worth my pain to keep holding onto such anger? Was it worth my energy?

I knew the answers to those. I didn’t even have to think about them.

I didn’t want to hold on to that anger.

Jasper was here now, and he was painting, and making plans with not just me, but with other friends. He couldn’t leave like he did before. Not without letting someone know way before time about said plans.

“The truth about what?”

Everything? Was that too vague? Instead, since I had no answers, I shrugged.

“Alright,” Jasper thought, tilting his head against mine. “My truth for you today. I’ve really enjoyed this week, spending time together. Even if it’s just watching a movie, or like right now. I’ll treasure all these moments for the rest of my life.”

Did he, just maybe, have more feelings for me than he played to have?

“I won’t ever want to trade the time with you for anything else. I missed two years with you, and I know two weeks won’t make up for that. But I promise, I’ll be doing everything I can to make up for not only that lost time, but also for hurting you so much.”

“Wasn’t all your fault.”

I was at blame too, for not talking, for not opening up about what I felt. It was more my fault for shutting down, and it took until today’s therapy session to realize that.

“I shouldn’t have left like I did, at least,” he went on as he pulled me to sit in his lap instead of beside him. “I should have talked to you, no matter how much other crap was going on. I could have taken ten minutes to let you know, and made promises to keep in touch.”

“I wouldn’t have.”

“I know, little dove. I knew then just as I do now. But I could have offered. At least I could have left on a better note between us.”

No. I don’t think it would have made any difference. I’d still have been friend zoned. I’d have still suffered from a broken heart. And I’d still have spiraled like I did.

“I don’t hate you.”

I never did. But hate was stronger than love, and I couldn’t let my heart feel such a thing. I still couldn’t, even though it seemed to be a losing cause.

“Oh?” Jasperrested his forehead against mine.

Could he possibly know I never had?

“I hated myself.”

“Oh, Koda.” A hand cupped my face, the entire palm taking almost the full side. I leaned into his touch, soaking up every little touch, every word, that I possibly could. “You shouldn’t feel that.”

“Not so much today.” I blinked my eyes, staring straight into his, even though they wanted to shut to let his warmth seep into me.

“That’s good.”

“Tell me what you want.” I uttered, hoping it’d make my feelings settle. My heart burned for a whole new reason as he looked at me like I was something to cherish.

The smile filtered to his eyes, causing them to shimmer almost. “I want many things, little dove. I want to hold you. I want to spoil you. I want to see you cooking in the kitchen that’s being put together today. I want to see you happy and carefree. I want to hear you laugh and ask for things you never thought to ask of before. I want so much, and it all revolves around you.”

My heart, the darn traitor, beat alive in a way I had never felt before.

I knew without a doubt that I never stood a chance at keeping my emotions under control around this man. I had been a fool to even try. Yet, old habits die hard, and I am still freaking tried.

And failed.

Horribly.

“Why?” The question was croaked, almost lodged in my throat.

“Because I can’t see my life without you, Koda. That first time I saw you in the coffee shop, you were so scared. Not just of those around you, but of the world. Right then and there, I wanted to wrap you up and protect you from the world. I knew I was a goner, even though you were way too young.”

“I’m twenty now.” Just to make sure he knew I was an adult.

“Yes, I’m aware,” he laughed lightly, almost amused. “It was so hard to not go over to that table to save you from the scary world. It didn’t help matters when I moved in with Grams here, and you were right there. Wide eyed, afraid, and so open.

“You’ve always been the one, tormenting me even when I knew I shouldn’t want you. My girlfriend saw it, too. Which is why we broke-up. She knew I wasn’t happy with her. And, she knew what I wanted.”

“What do you want?” I dared to ask, I dared to hope.

“A boy. One whose wants, and needs, a helping hand. Like reminders to eat. A boy who is an adult that can function just fine, but wants me to set limits, and rules and make choices when the world becomes too much.

“I adore Noah, but I don’t want someone who runs their mouth and brats off. I want a sweet boy who loves cuddles, and slowly shows who they are to me after I prove my trust to them.”

“Noah’s right, then.”

“About what, exactly?”

“You're what he calls …. a …. uh…daddy?”

“Kinda.” Jasper shifted me, putting me to where I sat wrapped around him. “Sure, I have daddy tendencies, but that’s just a name, which I don’t need. I like rules and structures. I like helping others. But, what do you know about Doms, daddies, or that stuff in general?”

“Not much. Books are…not too clear.”

Amused, Jasper pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose. “Books are very inaccurate most of the time. But I’ll be happy to send you a list of some that are pretty spot on. But I promise, I’m not into spankings, dildos or other sex toys. I’m not into sex as a whole all that often, to be frank. I like one on one time, like this, the most. And cuddles are always the best way to go.”

“I like cuddles.”

That was easier to focus on than sex toys or sex in general.

“I know, little dove. You can have them any time you want.”

“I’m not like Noah, though. I don’t…color or play.” I had no interest in doing so. Maybe with only Noah, if he dragged me into it, though.

“Which is perfectly fine. He’s definitely what people in the BDSM lifestyle call a little. He likes it, but it’s not for everyone. Just like Asher, he likes to kneel for his dom. It quiets the crazy of life. You like to bake, and be held and loved.”

I nodded, trying to not fall to pieces over one simple word.

“You also like stuffed animals, and soft things. And so many other things. It's what makes you, you.”

“I do.”

I also liked the man I was currently sitting on.

“This is the talk I wanted to have,” Jasper mused, moving his hand to cup around my jawline instead of my cheek. His eyes flashed to my lips before they went back to my eyes. “I wanted to tell you how much I adored you, how much I wanted to try to be more than friends. But things didn’t work out then. Do you think you’d be up to giving it a try now?”

Yes, a million times. I wanted to say so much, but all I could do was nod twice in a quick session.

Maybe, I’d have gotten the words out if Jasper didn’t instantly press his lips to mine, so softly, like I was a piece of china.

His lips were soft, breath warm, as he pressed again, letting his lips linger against my own for a moment before backing away.

“Thank you, little dove.”

Why was he thanking me?

“For trusting me enough.”

Oh, well, my heart knew what it wanted. Apparently, it had a mind of its own, pressing against his and seeking out his lips without my consent.

I pressed against him, seeking everything I could possibly take. I didn’t care that my dick was growing too quickly. I didn’t care that the door was opened behind us, and that there were too many people in the house.

All I wanted, right then and there, was Jasper and his kisses. I wanted to consume him. Or him to consume me.

Rocking my hips, I moaned quietly against him, seeking his warmth. Seeking his hold, and his love.

When my breath forced me to pull away, Jasper’s lips trailed to my neck, peppering kisses along my skin. His hands went to my hips, encouraging me to keep moving, to keep seeking pleasure.

It didn’t take long, the pressure of my cockhead hitting Jasper’s body, to come in a panting mess. The warm liquid squirted out, coating the shorts and no doubt leaving a wet stain for all to see.

But as my heart slowed, my body relaxing against his hold, I knew for certain.

I was keeping Jasper as long as he wanted to keep me.