Undeniable You (Sapph in the City #4)

Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Larison

“Mama, why can’t I come to the shop with you? I can help!” Juniper said for what felt like the thousandth time.

“You are such a big help. But you’ll get bored spending so many hours there. And it’s not safe right now with them doing the floors and working on the electricity.”

My daughter glared and pouted and crossed her arms. I was sure I’d given my own mothers a very similar look

“I know it’s not fair, but I promise you can come help me when we get the books in. You can help me put them on the shelves.”

I pulled up to the drive-thru window and reached for the bags with our orders.

“Where’s my juice?” Juni immediately asked.

“It’s right here. We’re almost home, my love, and then you can have it.” I held the cup up so she could see it in the backseat.

She let out the heaviest sigh I’d ever heard from a five-year-old.

“Fine,” she said, looking out the window.

“Hey,” I told her, glancing at her face in the rearview as I turned to go toward our apartment, “are you just grumpy about your juice or is there something else bothering you?” My senses told me it was just the juice, but I had just moved her back to Maine and into a new place and she had every right to be thrown off by that. I knew I had been.

My original plan to graduate with my master’s degree in library science was on hold right now. After rushing back to Maine right before Thanksgiving last year to say goodbye to my grandmother, I’d found out she’d left me a hefty chunk of change.

Gram and I had always talked about my ambitions and when I was little we used to dream together about opening up a bookshop. It was silly and fun, but I guess she took those daydreams seriously because when we went to hear the will, she’d left money for me to open my own bookshop.

My moms and I talked all night about what I should do with the money. It had been such a relief to be back with them. I’d been lying to myself about how much I’d missed them. Moving away had been me trying to be strong and stand on my feet and be independent and take care of my daughter on my own but it turned out I didn’t want to do that. As much as they’d both tried to put on a happy face when I left, me leaving and taking Juniper with me hadn’t been a good idea for any of us in the end. Guess I wasn’t meant to be independent.

I could have taken the money from Gram and gone back to school to finish, but…the image of a bookshop kept fluttering through my mind, like an errant butterfly that wouldn’t stop showing up and distracting me.

Normally I wasn’t an impulsive person. The last time I’d acted before I thought about the consequences, I’d ended up with a daughter. After that, I’d decided to think everything through at least three times before making any kinds of decisions.

“What would you say if we moved back to Maine?” I asked Juniper after we’d returned to our apartment from the funeral. Since it was just the two of us, I wanted her to feel like she had a say in what happened to our lives.

Her eyes lit up. She might have gotten most of her looks from me, but she’d gotten her sperm donor’s astonishingly gorgeous blue eyes. “Go home with Nanna and MeeMee?”

“Yup. We wouldn’t live with them, but they’d be close by and we could visit a lot more. What do you think?”

She started jumping up and down. “Yes, yes, yes! I wanna go home!” Before we’d moved, Juni and I had lived in the apartment that my moms had built above the garage. I knew my moms would let us move back in with no questions asked, but I wanted to have at least a little autonomy. We’d get another apartment close by, but not too close.

Sophie was the only other person I’d asked for advice, but she’d been my sounding board for years. When I’d gotten pregnant with Juniper right after high school, most of my friends had said they were supportive, but soon they were canceling plans and ditching me. Some even acted like I was going to infect them with a surprise pregnancy. Like I was contagious.

Sophie had stuck around. She’d gone with me to my appointments, had put her hands on my belly and cried the first time I felt my baby move, had thrown me a very small but very sweet baby shower.

She’d been the best friend that anyone could ask for and someday, when I had enough money, I was going to buy her a week at a spa in Italy or something to thank her. Guess I’d have to get two tickets now because she’d definitely want to go with her girlfriend, Reid. They were a package deal.

Sophie had suggested a pro and con list, which was an excellent idea. When I sat down and wrote down all the reasons to move home, and all the reasons to stay where I was, the answer was obvious.

Before I knew it, I was scouting spaces and signing not only a lease on a new apartment, but one for my very own bookshop.

“Mama, I’m gonna miss you,” Juniper said, bringing me back to the present moment.

“Oh baby, I’m not going anywhere,” I told her.

“But you’re gonna be at the bookshop alllll the time,” she said as I managed to find a parking spot in the very small lot next to our apartment building. We were just on the edge of the city, so there was a little more privacy, less noise, and there was a really nice park just down the street. Not to mention Juniper’s new school was also within walking distance.

“Here is your juice,” I told her as she bounced out of the car.

“Thank you, Mama,” she said, and my heart melted. Even though having Juniper and being a single mom was the hardest thing I’d ever done, I wouldn’t have changed a single moment.

“You’re welcome, my love,” I told her, running my fingers through her reddish-brown hair that exactly matched the color of mine. When people talked about their kids being carbon copies, Juniper really was mine, but with an extra dash of attitude and sweetness I think was all her own.

Juniper chattered to me about anything and everything while I tried to listen and carry everything upstairs, get the door unlocked, and make my daughter wash her hands and then sit down to eat.

I was exhausted, but there was no rest for the weary.

Juniper decided that instead of eating her food, she wanted to have parts of mine, so I just put everything on one plate and ate what she didn’t end up wanting. Then everything was a blur until she was in bed and I was staring at a messy apartment that I should clean, but that would definitely not get cleaned until tomorrow. If I had time.

Instead of being responsible, I grabbed a soda and sat on the couch to watch all the episodes of TV that I couldn’t watch when my daughter was awake.

I really hoped this nanny that Sophie had suggested worked out. I had a few other leads, but the idea of hiring someone that my best friend had already vetted appealed to me. Plus, she literally had a degree in early childhood education. She might not have been a nanny before, but she was qualified. More important than that was if she’d get along with Juniper. She could be a handful sometimes, and I wanted someone who would appreciate the way my daughter’s mind worked.

I kicked my feet up on the coffee table that was covered in anything and everything and leaned back, trying not to obsess too much about all the things I had to do tomorrow.

Another thing that wasn’t for the faint of heart: opening a bookshop. I’d known it wasn’t going to be a walk in the park, but holy crap. There were so many decisions. So many things I had to consider or think about or worry about. If I hadn’t had the money part sorted out, I never would have done this. The money from Gram wouldn’t last forever though, so I was still being as careful as I could. If I crashed and burned as a bookstore owner, I would not only have failed myself and my grandmother, but my daughter, and I would never fail her. I’d already failed when I’d slept with the wrong guy without protection and that meant she didn’t have a dad in her life. She only had me, and I owed it to her to give her a good life. The best life I could manage.

I wanted her to be proud of me.

When my daughter was asleep, all those worries and anxieties that I pushed aside during the day clattered around my brain at the same time and I felt a headache building behind my eyes.

“Shit,” I said, closing my eyes. I was so tired, and I needed to go to bed, but the idea of moving was so unappealing. Looked like it was another night when I was going to pass out on the couch and wake up with my back hurting. Otherwise known as a day that ended in y.

Somehow, I reached deep into my reserves (bolstered by the sugar in the soda) and levered myself off the couch and stumbled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face, and then to my bedroom where I dragged on some pajamas and fell into bed without doing my skincare for the twentieth night in a row. One of these days I’d be the kind of woman who had a skincare routine, but right now I wasn’t. There were a lot of things I wasn’t.

As I crashed face-first into sleep, I couldn’t stop remembering all of them.

I wasn’t necessarily a morning person, but being a mom left me with no choice because my child loved to bounce into my room at the crack of dawn with a full tank of energy, ready to face the day.

“Come here, give mama some of that,” I said, holding the blankets open as she hopped over and snuggled in with me. She was all warm and smelled good from her bath last night. I pulled her into my arms and wished she’d just go back to sleep with me, but that wasn’t happening.

“Mama,” she whispered, her eyes boring into me.

I opened my eyes and looked at her. “What is it, my love?”

“Can we have pancakes for breakfast? With bacon. And strawberries.”

I laughed. “Yes, you can have all of that for breakfast. You gonna help me?” Her eyes lit up. Since Juniper was a toddler, I’d had her help me in the kitchen. It was something I’d done with my moms and I’d always loved it, so I carried on the tradition with my daughter.

Juni wasn’t old enough to use the knives, but that didn’t stop her from asking. Sometimes I worried about how much she seemed to want to use knives, but kids were strange that way.

“Oh yes,” she said, and I laughed. This kid.

“Help mama up,” I said, and she grabbed my hands and yanked me as I pretended she was helping me get out of bed. I yawned as my daughter dragged me into the kitchen and shoved me in front of the fridge.

“I make you coffee, Mama,” she said, getting out one of the pods. I made sure to supervise her while she put the pod in and closed the top. I put the cup underneath the dispenser, but Juni got to press the button to make the coffee. She loved doing that every morning.

While the coffee spilled into the cup, I gathered what I needed for breakfast.

Pancake mix got everywhere, and the berries weren’t sliced evenly because I was rushing, and Juniper spilled juice, but that was nothing special.

I took the deformed and overcooked pancakes, giving the perfect ones to Juni. She had a few food issues that I was keeping my eye on. Nothing major, but she was strict about her food being uniform, and had some texture aversions. The pediatrician wasn’t concerned, but I’d monitor to make sure.

“What are we gonna do today, Mama?” she asked, bouncing around after we’d loaded the dishwasher and she’d helped me wipe down the counters.

Since it was Sunday we couldn’t go to the library, but there were lots of other things to do, and I loved hanging out with my daughter.

“We could go over to visit Nanna and MeeMee. Or we can go to the beach. Or we can go for a walk and then have lunch and read all day.” Juniper loved options, and even if I knew what she’d pick, I always gave them to her.

“Nanna and MeeMee!” Of course.

I laughed. “Okay. Let me make sure they’re home.”

Mom and Mama wrote back immediately that yes, they were home, and that it had been too long since they saw their granddaughter.

We’d been to their house on Wednesday.

We’ll be over in a little while. Need me to get anything?

They said that wouldn’t be necessary and I knew the minute I walked in the door, they were going to be shoving food on both of us and giving my daughter presents and asking me a million questions, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Hey, why don’t you bring some of your pictures? I know Nanna and MeeMee would want to see them.”

I helped her pack up some of her recent paintings and drawings to take with us, along with all the other stuff you seemed to need when you were taking a kid anywhere. Now that she wasn’t a baby, I didn’t have to bring as much, but I still had a backpack full of crap that I couldn’t leave the house without.

My moms lived in the suburbs outside the city in the same house I’d grown up in.

I pulled into the driveway and laughed as my moms ran through the front door to come and hug Juniper, who was desperate to get out of the car.

“Hey, Mom,” I said as I was swept up into a hug that smelled like cinnamon and lemon floor cleaner and all those warm and comforting things that meant you were home.

Mama scooped up Juniper and we all went into the house, which was cool, thanks to the air conditioning. Family pictures and my various attempts at art covered the walls and I wanted to roll my eyes and tell them to take it down, but they wouldn’t.

To say they were proud of me was an understatement. They’d even smashed their names, Lara and Allison, together to create mine.

Juniper talked a mile a minute, as usual, while Mama exclaimed over her drawings and said she’d put them right on the fridge.

“Is there any room?” I asked, pointing to the fridge that was already completely covered.

“We’ll just have to get another fridge,” Mama said, holding up Juniper’s drawings.

“Darling, we’re not getting another fridge,” Mom said, shaking her head. She and I shared the same brown eyes that she rolled as she turned to me.

“Are you hungry? I’ve got all kinds of things.” She then proceeded to list anything and everything in the pantry and the fridge while Mama did her best to put up Juniper’s art and then they went out to the backyard. Not only had my old swingset been replaced by a much fancier one with a playhouse, my moms had also gotten a pool for Juni and put it up every summer.

“I’m good, Mom. Maybe some coffee?” There was never enough coffee.

“Oh, my sweetheart. You look exhausted,” Mom said, running her fingers through my hair.

“Thanks,” I said, my tone dry.

Mom kissed my forehead. “You just work too hard. You know you can leave Juniper with us more often.”

“I feel bad leaving her with anyone,” I mumbled.

Mom scoffed. “You’re not leaving her with just anyone .”

“I know,” I said, stepping away from her. “Okay, fine. Maybe I’ll have one of those brownies if you’re offering.”

Mom grinned. “I’m always offering.”

My moms played in the pool with Juniper while I sat in the shade with my ereader. I was probably naive when I thought that owning a bookstore would mean I’d have more time for reading, but now I could justify my reading for my job, so it was easier to find pockets of time for it.

When Gram and I talked about my bookshop, we had never specified what kind, but she’d also been the one who had willed me her entire romance book collection of dozens upon dozens of mass market paperbacks that now lived in my moms’ house, with the favorites in the family library. In addition to new books at my store, I was definitely going to have a section of gently used books. Inspired by all of Gram’s books, I’d decided to focus my store on romance and call it Between the Sheets. Just a little bit naughty.

Mama came over and sat down in a chair next to me, wrapped in a towel. She winced.

“How’s the hip?” I asked.

“Oh, it’s fine.” She was having surgery to replace it in a few weeks and would be out of commission for babysitting. Mom would be taking care of her and also still working. The two of them had met years ago when they’d both worked at the same bank. Now Mom worked in HR for a newspaper and Mama had become a hair stylist but had gone back to school to become a paralegal and then went to work for a law firm.

I tried not to worry too much about the surgery, but it still nagged at my brain, along with all the other worries that sat on my shoulders and whispered in my ear.

“Are you sleeping, honey?” Mama said, reaching out and tucking some of my hair behind my ear. I set my ereader aside and turned my head to look at her. A few gray hairs threaded their way through her dark blonde hair that she’d had cut short for decades. More than once people had mistaken her for my dad, but she always laughed it off.

“Yes, Mama. I’m fine. Just busy. As usual.”

Her forehead creased as she frowned and stroked my cheek. “You know I worry about you. Both of you.”

“I know, Mama. But things are good.” Well. They would be. Once the bookstore opened and I had a regular schedule, things would be better. Juni would go back to school and everything would work out. As long as the bookstore made enough money. I’d made sure to keep enough money from my grandmother in case of disaster, but when it came to owning your own business, money flowed out of your account like water and there was never enough.

At least ten times a day I told myself that I’d made a huge fucking mistake and had doomed both myself and my daughter to debt and more debt. And humiliation.

“Oh honey,” Mama said, holding her arms out. “Come here.”

When I’d been a little girl, there was almost nothing that couldn’t be cured by a hug from Mama. She’d wrap me up in her strong arms and tell me everything was going to be okay and I believed her. Every time.

She’d even told me that when I’d come to her and Mom and told them I was pregnant and decided to keep the baby after weighing all my options. Even though Juniper hadn’t been planned, the minute I saw the positive test, I knew that I didn’t want to have an abortion. If my circumstances had been different, I wouldn’t have hesitated. But I knew at that moment I wanted to commit myself to this twist that my life had taken.

“That’s my girl,” she said as I let myself melt into her hug as I breathed in her familiar scent.

If I wasn’t careful, I was going to start bawling all over her very comfortable shoulder and I didn’t want to cry today. Crying was reserved for late at night and in the shower only.

“I’m good, I swear,” I said, not sounding very convincing. Mama let me pull back from the hug and smiled at me, her eyes crinkling.

“Why don’t you take a dip in the pool? The water will make you feel better. Wash your worries away.” I sincerely doubted that, but the look she gave me said she wasn’t going to let me argue with her.

I hadn’t brought a swimsuit, but I had plenty of old ones kicking around the house, so I put one on and got in the damn pool. It didn’t solve all my problems, or even a few of them, but I spent the rest of the afternoon playing with my daughter so much that she passed out on the way home and clung me as I carried her upstairs to our apartment.

As I tucked her in bed, I was hit with some of those big and overwhelming emotions that felt like too much to hold all at once. I’d had a lot of those moments ever since I became a mom. Seeing this little person I loved so much sleeping deeply, her eyelashes resting on her cheeks and her mouth open just a little bit. So soft and warm and safe. And it was up to me to make sure she stayed that way.

An utterly terrifying responsibility.