Unknown Royal Baby

Chapter Fourteen

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I SAM KNEW PAIN . Or thought he did.

He’d been to hell and back after the chopper accident.

He still missed his father every day. And though his memory had substantially returned, he was always aware of the gap around that fatal day and those last precious hours with his father.

For years he’d lived with guilt and grief over Nur’s death.

But the despair he felt, having Avril tell him she’d tried but couldn’t bring herself to marry him... That coming here and living with him was the biggest mistake of her life...

He felt undone.

Because he was the cause of her unhappiness.

He stared at the city view beyond his study window but saw instead Avril’s face, pinched with pain.

How could it have come to this? He’d thought until recently that things were going so well. As they’d spent time together their relationship had blossomed. He could have sworn an intimacy was developing between them, ties that weren’t related to their child or simple sexual attraction. The latter had always been phenomenal between them, yet that was only part of what he wanted with her.

In his youth he’d taken for granted the benefits of wealth, privilege and a physique that appealed to women. He’d never met a woman horrified at the prospect of being with him.

He felt wrong in so many ways. Because Avril hadn’t been annoyed or impatient. She’d been upset. More than that, distraught.

And in her pain she’d turned away from him!

He’d wanted to hold her to his heart and assure her they’d find a way through this.

All his life he’d believed he could deal with whatever he had to face. He knew deep inside that if everything else in his world was stripped away, he’d be content if he had Avril and Maryam. Once he’d have been amazed by that. He’d never expected to feel so deeply for a lover, had assumed that respect, liking and sexual compatibility would be enough to cement a marriage.

Now he saw he’d had no idea. His feelings for Avril, like those for his little daughter, ran as deep as the marrow in his bones, as strong as the fierce desert wind and as constant as the North Star.

But Avril didn’t feel that way about him. He repelled her.

A dreadful plummeting sensation carved through his chest and belly, leaving him gutted.

He’d taken her for granted, assumed that because he wanted her, and it was logical for them to be together, he could make her happy.

He’d thought the worst he had to deal with was acclimatising her to her new role in his country.

It hadn’t occurred to him that he wasn’t enough for her.

A shudder began somewhere deep inside, growing in force until he had to plant his hand on the wall to keep his balance as the floor seemed to shift beneath him. Through his study window he saw the lights of the city dip and blur as if shaken by an earthquake.

But it wasn’t the world that shook, it was Isam.

Reeling, he turned from the window and collapsed into the leather chair behind his desk.

He could insist. He could hold her to her promise.

If he wanted, he could force her to stay, blocking any exit from the country.

There had to be an argument he could make to persuade her to stay.

But then he remembered her torment. The anguish in her drowned eyes. The catch in her throat that spoke of despair and heartache.

Was he so arrogant he’d discount all that to get his own way?

Avril was many things. A tender mother. A passionate lover. An honest, dedicated worker. Someone who cared about others. Her joy in things like a picnic under the stars or learning a new language was a constant reminder that it was the simple things in life that made it worth living. Not the pomp and power. But the smiles and warmth.

Could he risk forcing her to stay and losing that for ever?

He braced his elbows on the desk, his head sinking into his hands.

He could have her by his side if he was ruthless enough. But at what cost?

It was hours later when Avril began to worry.

She’d fed Maryam and got her back to sleep. She’d paced and fretted and tried to talk herself into accepting the world Isam offered her. She’d tried to imagine herself flying back to London, returning to the little house she’d shared with Cilla. Tried to imagine her and Maryam there.

Tried to imagine life without Isam.

Her current situation was unworkable but she couldn’t imagine a future without him. Where did that leave her?

The antique clock in the sitting room struck two and she realised how many hours had passed since Isam had left.

It was stupid to worry that he hadn’t returned.

Why would he? He wouldn’t choose to spend the night in her bed. He had a palace full of sumptuous bedrooms to choose from. She was the last person he’d want to see.

But he was always here to settle Maryam for the night after her last feed.

And he had so much riding on their marriage, Avril knew he wouldn’t take her rejection at face value. He’d want to discuss it, try to persuade her to stay.

And...ridiculous as it was, she missed him. He was the one she needed to escape yet at the same time she craved the comfort of his arms about her, the sense she had when he held her that everything would work out well.

She ran her hands up and down her arms, trying to rub in some warmth.

Wait till the morning. Talk to him then, sensibly and calmly.

That was the logical thing to do. Except she remembered how he’d looked as she unravelled before him, almost incoherent, saying she couldn’t stay and needed to be alone.

He’d been utterly shocked, her rejection coming out of the blue. She’d told herself she couldn’t read his expression because of the tears blurring her eyes, but her conscience said otherwise. It told her he wasn’t just surprised but grievously hurt.

She couldn’t wait until tomorrow. She couldn’t leave him hanging simply because she craved solitude. Isam deserved better.

Avril found him in his study. Seeing the light under the door, she didn’t knock but gently turned the handle and let herself in. Isam sat behind his desk, shoulders hunched as he looked down at a paper in his hand.

She paused just inside the door, drinking him in, wondering if this would be the last time she’d see him. That made her gasp, palm pressing to her aching chest.

‘Avril.’

From under dark, straight eyebrows, cloudy grey eyes met hers. Her heart gave that familiar bump before quickening. But this time there was something else too, a stark pain of loss that echoed through every part of her body.

Even though she hadn’t left yet.

For the first time she could recall, Isam didn’t get up and come to her or invite her to sit. He simply stayed where he was, staring. Once she might have imagined his look was avid, as if eating up the sight of her. But that wasn’t possible after what she’d said.

She told herself she was doing the right thing, ending this now rather than later. Yet it didn’t feel right.

Legs shaking, she crossed to the desk, hyperconscious of the elegant green silk dress swishing around her legs. She didn’t feel chic, she felt drab and heartsore as she sank into the chair in front of his desk.

Close up, he looked older, lines she hadn’t noticed carving around his mouth and eyes. The scarring at his temple looked more livid and his mouth flatlined.

Was he angry or just disappointed?

He had to be both. After all he’d gone through with his amnesia and Hafiz, he didn’t need this complication.

‘I’m sorry, Isam. I should have told you much earlier. I should never have agreed to marry you.’ She hitched a shallow breath. ‘Hafiz will use this against you, won’t he?’

She faltered to a stop, imagining the fallout of cancelling a royal wedding.

Isam had worked so hard to shore up his position after the trauma of the accident. If they separated there’d be a huge scandal. She’d played into Hafiz’s hands.

‘Don’t worry about him.’

‘But I do—’

‘I told you. Hafiz is a spent force. Once we identified his spy in the palace we were able to catch him red-handed trying to sabotage not only me but senior members of the government. He’s just confessed everything in a formal interview. The transcript of that tape will be shared with members of the Royal Council tomorrow. That’s when I was going to tell you, as soon as it was over.’ He paused then seemed to force himself to go on. ‘The council will need to discuss it but Hafiz’s bid for power is finished. Too many influential people will know about his underhand ways.’

Avril slumped back in her seat, relief filling her. If by her actions Hafiz had been able to wheedle his way onto the throne she’d never have forgiven herself.

But there was no relief from the pain she saw ahead, the pain even now racking her body. She bowed her head, staring at her tightly clasped hands, wishing there were some easy way out of this.

‘Are you really so unhappy, Avril?’

Her vision blurred and she blinked, refusing to let the tears come. She nodded.

‘Is there nothing I can say to persuade you to give us another chance?’

The breath caught in her throat as she heard tenderness and pain in that warm baritone voice.

He was a good man, a wonderful man, trying to do his best for his daughter, his country and even her. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t love her.

Avril moistened her lips and swallowed hard, tempted to tell him there was one thing that would change her mind. But she’d never hear those words from him. He’d make a loyal and dutiful husband, but that was all. She’d never be the light of his life.

She cleared her throat. ‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

At least, she realised, this wouldn’t be goodbye for ever. He wanted an integral role in Maryam’s life. The obvious answer was for Avril to move with her somewhere close. It would be tough living in Zahdar without Isam, but her fantasy of returning to London was just that. Their daughter deserved both her parents and Avril had too much experience of parental neglect to deprive her.

That was the answer. A home in Zahdar’s capital, or a smaller town along the coast a little where Avril wouldn’t have to look up and see the palace every day.

That was an option at least for the first few years, so father and daughter could bond. After that maybe she’d return to London, with Maryam visiting her father for holidays.

Surely, Avril thought desperately, they’d find some workable arrangement.

The sound of Isam’s chair being shoved back from the desk made her stiffen. He wasn’t going to try to tempt her into changing her mind, was he? She knew what she needed to do but seriously doubted her ability to withstand Isam’s kisses, even now.

Her head snapped up.

But instead of circling the desk towards her, Isam stalked to the window, staring out into the night, a crumpled paper falling from his hand. He shoved his hands in his trouser pockets, the action drawing the fabric tight across his firm buttocks, making her drag in an unsteady breath. She was still vulnerable to his potent attractiveness. She guessed that would never change.

Avril saw him in profile, proud, almost austere with his rigid posture and tight jaw.

‘Very well.’ His voice was gravel, scouring her flesh and her aching heart. ‘I won’t try to change your mind.’

His chin lifted and she saw his throat move convulsively. In this light he looked powerful, almost arrogant, yet that movement betrayed vulnerability. Pain bloomed. Not for herself but for Isam.

‘I’ve been thinking,’ she began, but he cut her off.

‘You don’t have to worry. I’ll arrange everything. The announcement, the travel. But it may be better to wait a day or two before you and Maryam return to London. That will give my team time to sort out the security logistics, not just for your travel but longer term.’

Avril frowned. ‘Longer term?’

Isam nodded, the movement brisk. But he kept his gaze fixed on the view beyond the window, as if he preferred not to see her.

‘If you and Maryam are going to live in London I want to make sure you’re safe. Let us do a security audit. In fact, it would be better if you let me buy you another house, one that’s more private. Meanwhile you can stay in my London hotel suite.’

Avril swayed, momentarily unsteady, and had to reach for the desk to keep her balance.

He was agreeing to let her take their daughter away? To raise her in England?

‘But if I take her to the UK you won’t see her often.’

She saw him flinch, shoulders rising high under that dark jacket before he pushed them back down.

‘I’ll visit her when I can.’

The silence following his words made Avril feel empty inside. She knew what Isam’s schedule was like. He tried hard to carve out time for them every day. But to visit London? Such visits would be rare.

‘You wanted to be a hands-on father,’ she whispered, feeling her insides turn over in a sickening tumble of distress.

This time he didn’t flinch, just stared at the distant city streetlights. Was he thinking of the millions of people out there who looked up to him as their leader? ‘We can’t always have everything we want. I’ll have to try to make it up to her when she’s older.’

Avril put her hand to her mouth, stifling a cry of horror. That was one of the saddest things she’d ever heard. She knew how Isam loved their daughter. He positively revelled in being a father. For him family came first.

Was that why he was letting them go? Did he think Maryam would fare better if Avril was happy?

Isam was sacrificing his own bond with their daughter and it made Avril ashamed. She’d tried to make Maryam’s need to be with both parents a priority, but when it came to the crunch she hadn’t been able to go through with a loveless marriage.

Avril found herself circling the table, drawn to the pain radiating from the big man at the window. Hating that she was the cause. Wishing there were a better way for all of them.

Something crackled under her foot and she looked down to see the paper he’d been reading. Except he hadn’t been reading. There was no text on it. Instead it was a large photo. She scooped it up.

Her heart beat louder and something snagged high in her throat. It was one of the photos taken on the day their engagement was announced but she’d never seen it before. It certainly hadn’t been released to the public. It showed her and Isam sitting together with Maryam. Avril was smiling down at their daughter but Isam wasn’t. Nor was he looking at the camera. His head was turned to Avril, his expression unguarded.

She told herself the camera lied, that it was the angle or the light making it look like something it wasn’t.

Yet something leapt inside her. Something bright and hopeful. His expression as he looked at her was familiar. Not because she’d seen it before but because it was how she felt about him.

She trembled and the photo fell from her unsteady hands.

‘It’s late. Go to bed, Avril. We’ll talk when the sun’s up.’

Still he didn’t turn. Because he’d washed his hands of her? Was he already planning his future without her? She didn’t believe it.

Avril moved closer until she stood just behind him, near enough to inhale the comforting scent of citrus and warm man. ‘You’re not going to try to persuade me to stay?’

Suddenly he was facing her, his grim face just above hers. This close the pain in his eyes made her want to cry.

‘You said there’s no point and you wouldn’t lie about that. You’re not that cruel.’ Yet as he looked down at her his eyes widened. What did he see in her face? ‘Avril?’

Her heart pounded and she felt something like the mix of fearful exhilaration she’d experienced the first time she drove a four-wheel drive on a mountain road.

‘But maybe I was mistaken,’ she murmured. ‘I was so sure...’

Warmth enveloped her shaking hands. She looked down to see Isam holding them tight.

‘What were you sure about, sweetheart?’

Her heart dipped and soared. ‘That you only wanted me for Maryam’s sake. And to avoid scandal.’

Those long fingers tightened around hers. The blood beat through her body again and again as silence grew.

‘That’s what I thought, in the beginning.’

Avril’s gaze flew to his. Her mouth dried at what she saw there.

‘You must remember, I was raised expecting to contract a marriage of convenience. My family never married for love.’ As if anticipating her interruption he shook his head. ‘My grandparents were the sole exception to that and I know my grandmother missed my grandfather every day after his early death. If anything, that warned me off the idea of romance.’

He breathed deep, his chest rising. ‘But that’s not how I feel now. Now I understand exactly how my grandmother felt. These last months have been—’

‘Wonderful,’ Avril murmured, hardly daring to hope. ‘More wonderful than I could have imagined.’

Isam’s hands firmed around hers. ‘But then that changed.’

She nodded. ‘I told myself I could marry you and be happy for Maryam’s sake. But every time we drew closer, something would happen to remind me our relationship is all about duty.’

‘Avril, I—’

She interrupted, needing to explain, knowing he deserved the absolute truth, not just a snippet of it. ‘Sometimes I hoped you might begin to love me just a fraction of the way you love Maryam.’ Her voice wobbled. ‘Because I love you. I think I always have. But all your praise was for when I did a good job, learning quickly or behaving the right way at an official function. It felt like your approval was never just for me .’

She hurried on when he would have interrupted. ‘I understand , Isam. I know nothing is more important to you than Zahdar. That’s always been your absolute priority. But you never saw me as a real partner . You were too busy protecting me. It didn’t feel like trust or partnership, much less love.’

‘And you deserve love.’ His piercing eyes held hers and she felt the weight pressing down on her chest lift as he smiled. ‘ That’s what’s been holding us apart. That’s why you couldn’t go through with our marriage.’

He was smiling now, his expression tender, and Avril was shaking so much he had to wrap his arms around her to support her, drawing her close.

Or maybe there was another reason for his action, because he needed her as much as she did him.

She looked up into his proud, dear face and warmth flooded her. The warmth of love and belonging.

‘You were wrong about me not caring, Avril—’

‘I know. I realised when you started planning to send me and Maryam back to London, and without a word of complaint. Even knowing the enormous scandal you’d face. You put my happiness above your own interests and desires.’ Avril clutched his shoulders.

Isam met her stare with a look she’d never seen before. ‘I’d sacrifice all I have, if it meant having you, Avril. You say nothing is more important to me than Zahdar, but if—’

She pressed a hand to his lips. ‘Don’t say it, Isam. I would never ask that.’

The thought of him giving up the role he’d spent his life preparing for didn’t bear thinking about. He wasn’t just devoted to his country, he was excellent as its leader and his people loved him.

Isam pressed a kiss to her fingers then drew her hand away, planting it over his chest so she felt his powerful heartbeat.

‘I love you, Avril.’ His words made the world still and all her senses heighten. ‘In a different way but just as strongly as I love our daughter. I want you to be happy more than anything. Because I love you with all my heart.’

She stared in awe, everything inside her jangling in delight. ‘That’s why you agreed to let me leave?’

‘What else could I do? You tried your best to fit in here, I knew that. And if you weren’t going to be happy here I had no alternative.’

‘It wasn’t the place that was the problem, Isam.’

‘It was me.’ He drew a deep breath, his chest rising beneath her palm. ‘If only I’d known. I was attracted to you right from the first. That night in London I knew you were out of bounds but I just couldn’t resist. None of the arguments in my head could deter me.’

‘You remember that?’

His mouth curved into a crooked, endearing smile that she felt deep in her core. ‘I remember it all now, every glorious detail. In fact, it was seeing you again across the conference table that ignited my memories. That’s why I had to leave you with my staff. I was getting flashbacks, of very intimate moments.’ His chuckle delighted her and she found herself smiling back. ‘I tortured myself for ages, believing I’d seduced you.’

‘And now you remember how it really was. That I was responsible.’

‘It was mutual. We were both responsible.’ Isam shook his head as he hugged her to him. ‘I took a long time, realising exactly how I felt about you. It was only tonight, at the prospect of losing you, that I found a name for it. I’ve broken with family tradition and fallen in love, Avril.’

She laughed breathlessly. ‘Your grandparents would be proud of you.’

‘I think you’re right.’ He paused. ‘I confess I’ve spent a lifetime learning to shoulder responsibility and protect others. In theory those are fine traits but you’ve taught me they need to be tempered.’

His arm tightened around her waist and he drew himself up. ‘If I promise to share more with you, rather than assuming I need to take charge, will you reconsider and stay?’

‘Don’t, Isam! Of course I’ll stay. I love you. Don’t make this sound like it was all your fault. It’s mine too. I accused you of not sharing but I didn’t either. I hoarded my feelings to myself, too scared to talk about them, because I’ve spent too long thinking myself unlovable. If I’d spoken out—’

‘Shh.’ Isam’s lips grazed hers and nothing had ever felt so good. For she tasted understanding, love, and her own hopes for the future there. ‘Let’s agree that we both made mistakes and we’ll trust each other with the truth from now on.’

Avril wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled with all the joy in her heart. ‘That sounds absolutely perfect, my love.’