Vengeful Secret (The Burkes Mafia #3)

14. Gray

14

GRAY

I head down to the gym, needing to get out some of my frustration. I’m surprised to see Kael there, also working out, punching the standing bag.

“Sorry,” he mutters. “You want some privacy?”

I shake my head, but I don’t say anything.

My emotions are all over the place right now, and I can’t let them out. I need to be in control. I’m the de-facto leader, so breaking down is not an option.

But I’m not in the mood to put on the front that I usually put on.

I hop on the treadmill, turning it up to ten and running as fast as I can. I lose myself in the run but at the end, I stumble, and Kael shouts, grabbing me to keep me from flying off the treadmill.

“Fuck.” I jump up and down to try and shake out my muscles.

“What’s going on with you?”

I shake my head. “Nothing I can talk about.”

I keep my big emotions under control. I need to be in charge of everything. People are depending on me.

Except, I don’t feel very in charge right now.

“Want to spar?” Kael suggests, raising an eyebrow. “I can tell you’re a little… frustrated.”

“Yes, please.” I do need an outlet, and Kael and I stand on the mats together, facing each other with our hands up.

I go for the body, and Kael twirls to avoid me. He’s faster than me despite his lanky frame. He’s probably a better fighter overall, if I’m honest with myself.

I grunt and go after him again, but he easily darts away.

“You haven’t got a hit on me, old man.” He hops backwards to avoid a jab.

“I’m barely older than you,” I mutter, and then tackle him around the waist.

He finally goes down, and I get in a few jabs before he flips me over, and I tap out.

I groan, standing up and running a hand through my hair. “I’m just not all here tonight.”

“What’s wrong?” Kael stretches out his hamstrings.

“It’s Sutton,” I admit. “She’s moved in with her daughter and… the little girl is mine.”

Kael’s eyes widen. “Really? God, I would be furious with her.”

“I am.” I huff out a breath. “I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.”

It’s difficult, opening up to Kael. I can talk this freely with Declan, but, though we are friends, I was never this close with Kael, even if he is about to become my brother-in-law.

I guess seeing Sutton again has opened up a can of worms that I don’t know if I can close.

“What’s her excuse?”

“That I was wild back then, and she felt I couldn’t protect them. I would be a liability. Put them at risk.”

Now that I have cooled off, I can see her point. I thought I had something to prove back then, and I used to flaunt my lifestyle a lot more than I do now.

In fact, if Da hadn’t had some Irish cops in his pocket, I would have been arrested several times.

But I thought that was what Sutton liked about me, that I was wild and free. She was a lot freer back then, too, but now she’s a single mother.

That makes my heart ache, thinking of Sutton having a hard time without me.

I could have made her life so much easier. I could have helped.

She could have had an amazing life, and Ciara could have had anything she ever wanted.

It hurts that Sutton didn’t trust me to provide for her. I couldn’t seem to make her understand that.

“Were you?” Kael asks, jolting me out of my thoughts.

“Just as much as anybody when they’re young,” I say, an edge of defense to my voice. “She still should have told me.”

“Maybe she should have,” Kael agrees, stretching out his arms now. “But you know now. You can make up for the lost years.”

“Can I? Can you ever really make up for that kind of thing? I don’t even know her.”

My voice sounds gloomy even to my own ears, but I can’t help the way I feel.

I’ve missed out on so much, and Sutton’s to blame for that, no matter what my reasons. I missed her newborn stage, her first word, her first steps. All the things I dreamed of when I thought about having kids. I missed everything.

“You can try,” Kael points out. “But in the meantime, I’m here if you need to talk.”

“I just want to hit you one good time.” I get back into fighting stance, and Kael chuckles, coming at me.

We wrestle around on the ground, but what Kael doesn’t remember is that I was wrestling captain in high school, so I end up flipping him over and putting him in an arm bar.

“Jesus,” he mutters, tapping out. “You’re a lot better on the ground.”

“Hell yeah, I am.” I stretch out. “I appreciate the talk, Kael.”

“Of course. Anytime.” He smiles, and I’m glad that not only is he Declan’s best friend, but Paige’s soon-to-be-husband.

He’s always been family with how close he was to Declan, but I’m glad it’ll be official now.

I make my way back upstairs to my room, heading directly to the shower. I undress, finding myself sweaty all over, and step under the spray.

The water pounds down on my shoulders, seeming to massage my muscles, and it feels so good I almost forget the turmoil in my mind.

Sutton made a decision, just like she said, and even if it was the wrong one, we can’t change it now. All I can do is be the best father I can starting now.

And how do I even do that? How do we tell a four-year-old girl that her father is suddenly here and wants to be in her life?

It won’t be instant. We’ll have to work at it, and I’m willing to do that. I’d do anything to have Ciara and Sutton in my life. Because despite it all, I do want Sutton in my life. That hasn’t changed. Having them by my side is what’s important.

Kael’s conversation has helped me calm down, just having someone understand why I’m so upset. I feel a little bad for arguing with Sutton for so long. I know I can be a jerk when I’m hot in the head.

I still think I’m right, for the record, but in the end, it doesn’t matter.

I wash myself quickly, thinking of Sutton and my daughter, Ciara, how much they look alike. If Ciara hadn’t had my eyes, I might never have figured out that she was mine.

I wonder how much Sutton must have worried about this, how much she must have put herself through to make that difficult decision. It’s wrong of me to be angry with her. She’s been through a lot.

Determined to talk to her, smooth things over, I get out of the shower, dress in a pair of basketball shorts with a towel draped around my neck, and head into the bedroom.

I walk down the hall, and small voices come from Sutton’s room. I realize that Sutton is telling Ciara a bedtime story. Apparently about a man named “Green.”

“And the man named Green, he stayed behind while the princess ran away,” she says in a sing-song voice.

“Why didn’t he go with her?” Ciara asks in a tiny, chirpy little voice.

“Well, the kingdom was still at war,” Sutton explained. “And the prince, he had to help them fight the war.”

“Against the bad guys?”

Sutton pauses for a moment. “Yeah, against the bad guys.”

“And then what happened next?”

“The princess was sad. But then she realized that the prince had given her a gift—a baby.”

“In her belly. Just like I used to be in your belly.”

Sutton chuckles, and the sound is like music to my ears.

“Yes, in her belly. And when the baby was born, the princess was happy.”

“Wouldn’t she be happier with the prince?”

“Not without her baby.”

I peek my head in and watch them for a long moment, listening to Sutton’s even voice and the giggles of my little daughter, and then Sutton looks up, her eyes widening slightly.

“Hey, Ciara,” she says gently. “I want to really introduce you to my friend.”

Ciara looks up sleepily, her eyes a little puffy, and she grins. “The prince.”

Sutton chuckles at my confused expression.

“She thinks you look like a prince.”

I can’t help but laugh as I sit on the edge of the bed. “Well, you look like a little princess, mo órlaith .”

She frowns. “What does that mean?”

“ Mo órlaith ?”

She nods.

“It means ‘my princess.’ That’s you.”

She puts a hand on my knee, and my heart soars. “Will you take me on a hayride?”

“It’s a date.” I try to keep my voice from cracking.

“She loves hayrides,” Sutton explains. “I took her on one for Halloween last year, and she hasn’t shut up about it.”

I make a mental note to look up hayrides in the area and take her immediately.

“What else do you love?”

“Effie,” she says quickly. “Even though Mama says she’s old.”

Sutton snickers. “She is old.” She looks at me. “She’s her old doll. Only for bathtime, now.”

“And I love the color green. Grass, crayons, everything!” Ciara sits up slightly.

Sutton puts a hand on her belly to quiet her. “Don’t forget, mo stóirin , it’s bedtime.”

“But Gray is here,” she mumbles, yawning.

I reach out hesitantly to brush her hair back from her face. It’s blonde, like mine used to be as a kid.

“You seem like a sleepy princess.”

“Finish the story, Mama,” she murmurs, and Sutton continues where she left off, describing a huge castle with a big bedroom that the princess can live in.

I listen to the rest of the story, trying to pick up on Ciara’s favorite things so that I can connect with her, and listening to Sutton's slow, even voice.

I have no idea how to be a father, but this is a way to start.