Wallflower (Whittaker Floral #2)

23. Hannah

23

HANNAH

M y phone was off. If it hadn’t been for Truman, I would’ve happily turned off the entire world for a few days. As it was, I was only taking Tru as far as the parking lot downstairs. Yesterday Whittaker had been closed, and I’d called into work today, but knew I had to go tomorrow. The best I could hope for was being left alone to work in back.

What I did do while I sat at home was wallow. I sat with Truman and watched TV movies about murderous wives, cheating husbands, and teachers who slept with their students. I made Truman wait as long as possible in case Declan showed up outside, and for fifty straight hours I pretended the world outside my 450-square-foot apartment didn’t exist.

Wednesday morning I tried to get back to my routine. I hit snooze a couple times before I finally sat up, pushing Truman off of my legs so I could get the rest of the way out of bed. I peed and pulled on a fresh bra to take the dog for a walk around the block. The day was warm but not hot, so I put on black jeans and a tank top, smoothed the hair I’d washed before bed last night, and brushed my teeth.I said my final goodbye to Truman and headed out the door.

Using both headphones, I was able to drown out the world as I walked, covering the ambient noise of the city with a playlist full of loud and angry music. On the train I sat with my elbows poking in either direction, glaring at everyone who walked in. One man was finally brave enough to sit next to me, but he made an S-curve of his spine to avoid entering my space. On a normal day, I would’ve felt badly, but today I didn’t care.

Finally, at the Chicago Avenue stop, I got off the train and headed into the shop, giving a quick nod to Julia as I walked by. She turned to follow me, ignoring the headphones still blasting away in my ears.

Julia followed me all the way to my work station and stood patiently with her hands on her hips. Making my face as impassive as possible, I put my stuff down and pulled my headphones out, sure she wouldn’t leave without talking to me first. “Declan Andrews was here looking for you,” she began, her eyes twinkling excitedly.

“Great, thanks,” I said dispassionately, turning towards my work.

“I told him you were out sick. How are you feeling anyway? What was wrong with you?” She bared her teeth in an overdramatic grimace and backed away as if perhaps I’d contracted a dread disease. “Should I stay back?”

“I was sick. I feel a bit better. Thanks.” I grabbed my paperwork and slid past her to the chiller to collect flowers.

Julia ignored the thousand leave-me-alone signals I was giving and followed me into the chiller, but she seemed out of questions. “I think Matty talked to him,” she said finally.

I collected a number of stems in my bucket. “Great. Thanks again,” I replied flatly, walking out of the cooler. Julia followed me back to my station again.“Jules,” I snapped, out of patience. “I’m going to get to work, okay?” She sighed but walked away, and I felt a momentary flash of guilt at having been rude.

Shoulders sagging, I put my headphones back into my ears and began working on an arrangement for this afternoon. I didn’t notice Matty until she grabbed my arm and began pulling me forcibly into the chiller. “What are you doing here?” I asked as she pulled me along. “If you’d let go I’d walk,” I added irritably.

“You don’t answer your phone, so here I am at the shop on my fucking day off,” she whispered harshly, pulling me into the chiller before finally letting go and crossing her arms over her chest. She stared at me expectantly. “Now, what the hell happened with Declan?”

I inhaled deeply, dreading rehashing the story, even to Matty. “Julia said he talked to you. What did he say?”

Matty’s brow came down, making her eyes golden slits. “I don’t want to hear what a stranger said happened, Han. I want to hear what happened from my best friend.” She looked expectant.

I sighed reluctantly, shifting back and forth between my feet, not wanting to speak until I could be sure I wouldn’t cry. My voice was hardly a whisper when the words finally began.“I told him he should stop living at the hotel and stay with me, and he informed me—in no uncertain terms—that his home was in New York.”

She nodded, and I disliked that she seemed to be confirming rather than gaining information. “Did you talk about it?”

I crossed my arms over my chest, wondering how much Deck had already said to Matty. “Talk about what? My life and my career are in Chicago. His life and career are in New York. Seems simple enough.”

She frowned, and I expected her next words to be harsh and demanding, but they were gentle instead. “So that’s it?”

I took a step towards the door, but she shifted so she blocked the exit. “Yes,” I said, my vision growing blurry with unshed tears. “I think it is. I think I was just a fling for him. You know, he’s young and rich and having a fun summer fling. And I was an idiot who should’ve known better than to fall for that guy. Wasn’t that what you were worried about in the first place?”

Matty was still frowning. “Maybe I was wrong about Declan, Hannah. When he came by here, I didn’t get a fun-summer-fling vibe from him.”

A wave of anger swelled in my chest. Matty could’ve come to check on me or hear the story from me, but instead she was siding with Declan Andrews. “Ahh, you two vibed , did you?” I snapped sarcastically. I never spoke to Matty that way. I never spoke to anyone that way .

Matty’s nostrils flared. “Stop it,” she snapped back, and my shoulders sagged guiltily. I was taking out my feelings on her and she didn’t deserve it. “I think you should talk to him, Hannah. So much so that I’m here on my day off, standing in a cold-as-fuck refrigerator because you wouldn’t answer my calls.”

I sighed. She was right. She’d called at least seven times in the past two days. “Sorry,” I said, although the sting of my best friend agreeing with Deck hadn’t quite worn off yet.

“You don’t have to be sorry. Just tell me you’ll call him, or see him, or something before you just call it quits.”

I said nothing and Matty’s expression turned impatient. I glared back, petulantly.

“Fine,” I muttered.

“Thank you.” Matty stalked out of the chiller and headed out the door. I sighed, following her out of the chiller, watching her walk away without looking back. I pulled out my phone as she disappeared through the curtain that separated the front and back of the store.

Hannah: Sorry. Thank you for being you. And for coming to work. Love you.

Matty: I love you, too.

Matty: And you better fucking call him.

At five that night, I got off work and called Deck. He answered on the first ring. “Hannah?”

“Yeah.” I kept my voice muted and dispassionate, afraid if I let any emotion slip out, I’d open the floodgates.

“Where are you? I’ll come to you. We need to talk.”

Those words again. If I never heard “ we need to talk” again, I’d die a happy woman. “Don’t you have a game tonight?” I asked. I already knew he did. I’d looked up the schedule on the internet earlier this afternoon, assuming now would be a good time to call precisely because Deck had to work.

“No. I mean, yes, there’s a game, but I don’t care. I’m coming to you. Please, Hannah.” His voice had a pleading quality I’d never heard from Declan before.

“Okay. I’ll meet you at my place. It takes about a half hour to get home.”

“Thank you, baby, thank you.”

Declan was at my door as I approached. He reached for me, but I shifted against the wall of the building, avoiding his embrace. Ignoring my sidestep, he moved closer, closing the distance between us and taking my face in both his hands. I stiffened, my chin pulling towards my chest. I didn’t want his hands on me—I didn’t want his gentle touch to be the reason I ignored every warning bell banging around my head and fell directly into his strong arms.

“Han, please,” he pleaded, backing away and dropping his hands from my face. They floated in front of him like he was dealing with a skittish animal. “You just have to let me talk. The other day, you talked about moving in and I voiced my worries, because I’ve been thinking night and day about how to make this work when we live across the country from each other, but I didn’t say the most important thing. “I love you, Hannah. I am madly, deeply, stupid in love with you. I’ve spent weeks just trying not to say it too soon, and the one moment I should’ve been honest with you, I fucked up”.

I wanted to hate him, to run from him, to pretend he wasn’t saying the perfect words—the words that would only make it hurt more when he left. His fingers moved toward mine tentatively until my hand was lost inside the soft warmth of his palm. He squeezed, and it was warm and solid and good. “Hannah Jackson, I’m so in love with you, and I didn’t want to tell you by text or voicemail.I wanted to be here. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to look in your eyes when I bared my soul to you.”

My every impulse was to fall into his arms and kiss him until we were both gasping for air, to drag him back to my apartment and make love to him and say those words a thousand more times. None of that would fix the problem, though.

“Hannah?” The word was no more than a breath, and I knew I had to say something.

“But you live in New York.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. They were the words he wasn’t saying, the elephant in the room.

Declan looked impossibly sad. “And you live in Chicago.” He cupped my face between his hands and this time I didn’t pull away. His thumb ran a soft trail over my cheek. “But I’m yours, Han. All I want is to be with you every minute of every day.”

I smiled wryly. “Except during baseball games,” I said.

He shot me a look, but didn’t bother to disagree. “Can I kiss you?”

I nodded slightly.His lips felt soft and warm, and my mouth opened to him. His tongue was tentative at first, then began to move with an increasing urgency. Our bodies pressed against one another, his firm planes warm against me. I wasn’t ready to let him go, now or at the end of the season, but we couldn’t stand on the porch forever. I held up my keys, and the soft jingling distracted him enough to break the kiss. “Do you want to come in?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t say no.

He still held my face in his palms, eyes level with mine and smoldering. “I do, but I also would love to stay with you, if the offer still stands.”

I never realized words could cause elation and misery at the same time. Being with Deck was everything I’d ever wanted, but it was impossible to forget the expiration date that now loomed over us. Slipping free of his hands before he could see the emotion on my face, I laced my fingers into his and led the way into the apartment.

Upstairs, Truman wagged his tail and crowded around Declan, having missed him as much as I had. Deck touched my face, concern etching his handsome features. “Let me take Truman out, then we can talk.” He grabbed the keys before I could answer and left with the dog .

I walked into the bathroom and looked into the little, old medicine cabinet mirror, my reflection swimming. I tried not to blink, hoping the tears would pass, but they flooded out of my eyes and wet my cheeks anyway.

I swiped at them frantically, not wanting Deck to find me like this. The truth was, every minute I spent with Declan was going to make our parting that much harder, but it didn’t matter, because as long as Declan Andrews was in Chicago I needed to be near him. I couldn’t control that need any more than I could control the need to breathe.

Ten minutes later, I heard the door snick, followed by the clicking of Truman’s nails on the tile floor of the kitchen. I took a deep breath and came out of the bathroom.

Deck looked me up and down, his eyes settling on my red and puffy face. For a second he remained frozen, looking as though he had been punched in the stomach. Then he came to me, reaching for my face once more, his thumbs tracing over my eyes. “Hannah, I’m hurting you by being here. This is making it worse. Every selfish part of me wants to be with you as long as I can, but if it’s hurting you, I should go.” His voice was strained as if saying the words brought him physical pain.

I sniffed, my eyes threatening to fill again. “No, I don’t want you to leave, Deck, but my life is here. I don’t want to leave my work, but I can’t stand to leave you either.” I sniffed again, inhaling hard and steeling myself to agree to the only possible solution. And it was a shitty solution. “I want to be together for the next two months, if that’s all I get. Is that what you want?”

His head tipped until our foreheads touched, the inevitability of our future tormenting him the same way it did me. “Of course. I want to be with you every minute I have, Hannah. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I choked out. It was the first chance I’d had to say it back to him, and yet the words were caught in my throat, tangled up in all the tears I was swallowing down. But there was no point in being miserable for what little time we had left, so I pushed back my shoulders and I pushed down my tears and I said, “Okay, then, it’s settled. I don’t want to spend the next two months feeling sad with you, there will be plenty of time for sad when you leave, so we should have fun.”

He looked skeptical. “I agree, but for tonight, can our fun just be staying in?”

A laugh bubbled up out of me, a touch manic. I stood in front of Declan Andrews, a man I’d wished for and desired since before our first date, suddenly unsure of what to do. The awkward feelings we were supposed to’ve had on those first days had suddenly caught up with us, and neither of us felt brave enough to reach out and make the first move. Something had changed, and it frightened me.

It was Declan who finally closed the distance between us, but his hands, which had always been sure and strong, now tentatively asked permission at every move. He slung his arms around my hips awkwardly, pulling me closer, looking down into my eyes. “Hannah Jackson, I love you, and I want you.” His face lowered to mine and we kissed. It was a soft kiss, his tongue running along my lower lip gently. I brought my hands up and tangled them into his sand-colored curls, keeping him close, even as our mouths parted.

“I love you, too, Deck. So much.”

He walked forward, moving me backwards through the tiny apartment until my legs bumped into my bed. Then he leaned, and my body arched until I was laying with him on top of me. He kissed me again, and the lingering sadness was quickly being replaced by that thick cloud of desire that filled my brain whenever I was with Declan. He lay propped just to the side of me, his strong body angled over mine, brushing the curls from my face. “The first time you said my name it was like hearing beautiful music. You’ve said it a thousand times since then, and I still love it, whether you’re talking or laughing, whispering it or calling it out when I’m inside you. My name on your lips is my favorite sound.”

He began to kiss his way down my neck, but I grabbed his face, pulling it up so I could look him in the eye as I whispered, “Declan Andrews, that’s because you’re completely full of yourself, just like I thought when I met you.” I was smiling, barely containing my laughter, and his mouth twisted into a wry smile .

He bit down on my shoulder playfully, his eyes sparkling. “That’s probably true, but today, when you’re begging for me to give you release, it’ll still be sweet to hear you moaning it over and over.” Based on the yearning I felt at just his words, I had no doubt he was right. One finger traced from my ear between my breasts, then down my body to my knees as he leaned into my ear, whispering, “I love you Hannah, and I want to please you. Do you want me to touch you?” My body arched up reflexively, but his touch was gone. “Tell me, Hannah.”

I breathed out. “Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, sir?”

He growled. “Fuck, Hannah, I just meant you should ask for what you want, but that is sexy as fuck.”

A smile played at my lips as I pulled my shirt over my head. He unbuttoned his pants, watching me with predatory eyes. “Please touch me. I want you,” I said.

His fingers ran along my lips and I slid my tongue against them. He moaned, letting his fingers trail down my sternum to my breasts. “Is this what you want, Hannah?”

My breath caught for a second as his fingertips brushed over one nipple. “I want to feel your mouth on them.”

He didn’t need to be asked twice, and he pulled down the cups of my bra in a single motion as his mouth dropped to a nipple, tongue flicking back and forth as he massaged the other breast.

I was panting. “God, Declan. I want to feel you inside me,” I breathed out.

He sucked hard, and the little nub made a popping sound as he lifted his head to look at me. “Not yet, Hannah, not yet.”

I moaned, literally throbbing with need as I shimmied out of my pants and underwear, reaching down between my legs to relieve some of the urgency. He grabbed my wrist, his eyes sparkling deviously. “No, Hannah. You need to ask for what you want, do you understand?”

Declan was far stronger than I was, but the hold he had on me was gentle. I could’ve escaped if I wanted, but I didn’t. “Yes, sir,” I said, my breath beginning to come in quick pants. He was right, calling him “sir” was hot as hell, and I was pretty sure I was going to come long before he ever actually touched me. He flicked my nipple again as he cupped a hand between my legs, pressing his palm down tantalizingly. I ground into him, desperate for more, but he pulled away again, leaving me groaning desperately. My hips gyrated uselessly at the air as he returned to massaging my breasts. When he pulled my earlobe into his mouth, my body clenched and waves of pleasure coursed through me.

“Now,” he said. “Touch yourself now.”

I moaned, my fingers tracing along my sensitive clit, rubbing back and forth.

“Dear God, Hannah, you’re spectacular.” He lifted himself up a little. “Fuck, show me how you make yourself come. I want to see.”

“Yes, sir,” I repeated, breathing hard, finding the words lit an unexpected surge of desire in me each time. One hand massaged a heavy breast, pulling at the nipple, while the other rubbed in quick circles, my hips rolling as I touched myself.

“You are so sexy. I want to fuck you.”

“I want to feel you, Deck,” I whispered. My hips in the air, I came again, this time every muscle flexing, and I felt Declan put his hands on my hips, lifting me so I straddled him. In a single motion, he pressed inside of me, and even as my body began to move he grabbed my hips and thrust up into me over and over. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before, and the sensation was amazing. I fell forward, my hands reaching into his hair. “Yes, Deck, God, yes.” He flipped us over and I arched up to him, keeping up with his fast-paced rhythm. He came only a moment before I did, and I cried out as his last frenzied pumps went still.

For a long time, we lay like that, then Declan rolled to one side, pulling off the condom and tying it off before he placed it on the nightstand. It occurred to me I’d been so lost in my first orgasm I hadn’t even realized he’d stripped or put a condom on. I trusted him so completely, I hadn’t thought to check. One strong arm hauled me close, tucking my body in against his. His lips rested near my ear, and I felt his warm breath tickle my neck as he spoke. “You want to come to a baseball game tomorrow?”

“Sure,” I replied, knowing I would take advantage of every last minute with Declan over the next couple of months, no matter what. “Wanna’ order sushi for dinner tonight?”

He nuzzled against my neck. “I thought you didn’t like sushi?”

“I’ll find something I like. Besides,” I continued with a chuckle, “I still owe you from the Ethiopian food, right?”

He nipped my shoulder gently and I giggled, squirming. “You don’t owe me anything. Ethiopian food was good.” I settled back into his arms, and he kissed my shoulder. “Maybe if you let me order for us today I can find something we both like, the same way you ordered for us at the Ethiopian restaurant.”

I shrugged and rolled so I was facing him. “I’ll try anything,” I said, making a face as his eyes went big and his eyebrows bounced up and down lasciviously.