War (Boston Bolts Hockey #3)

47. Ava

FORTY-SEVEN

AVA

“I love you, sweet girl.” I press a kiss to Josie’s head before heading for the door.

She didn’t make it past the fourth page of her story. As much as I love this time with the kids, I’m exhausted, so I’m glad she fell asleep easily. I head for our bedroom, surprised that Tyler didn’t sneak in to say good night to the girls. He never misses bedtime when he’s home.

When I open the door and find darkness, a niggle of worry forms. “Ty,” I call, in case he’s in the bathroom. When he doesn’t respond, I head down the hall, passing Scarlett’s room first and then Bray’s. When I press my ear to each door, I’m met with nothing but silence, so I continue moving downstairs. The living room is blanketed in darkness, the glow of the moon streaming in through the windows the only light.

“Ty,” I say softly as trepidation builds inside me. Something is off.

“Right here,” he rasps.

Spinning, I blink into the darkness and find him sitting near the unlit fireplace.

“Is there a reason you’re sitting in the dark?”

“I’m drinking.” The clanking of a glass is followed by the splash of liquid .

“ Okay .” I step farther into the living room, moving slowly while my eyes adjust to the darkness.

Tyler sits on the hearth, his forearms on his knees and a glass dangling from his hand.

“Why are you drinking in the dark?”

“Just got off the phone with Madi. I didn’t like what she had to say, so I decided I’d pour myself a glass of bourbon.”

Fear pulses through me, making my legs wobbly. “Ty, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Is it about Josie?”

He lifts his head, and even in the darkness, I can see the strain in his eyes, the war he’s waging against himself, or maybe against me. What the hell is going on?

“Xander broke into your phone. Sent copies of your messages to the judge.”

“Shit,” I whisper, my heart sinking.

Tyler breaks into a sardonic smile. “Yeah, shit. So the jig’s up. Judge knows we fabricated this marriage. Or you did, anyway.”

“What? Stop talking in riddles and just speak to me.”

Straightening, he takes a sip from his drink. “Like you spoke to me all this time? How you opened up to me while I cracked myself wide open and let you in?”

Bewildered, I shake my head. “What are you talking about?”

“I knew you were hiding something, but fuck, Ava, I fell in love with you. I shared everything with you. And you hid the biggest piece of yourself from me.”

My heart races as I try to make sense of what he’s saying. But my thoughts are jumbled. My world is crashing down around me, and the one person I thought would stand with me through the storm is turning on me. Dropping to my knees in front of him, I grasp his legs and plead. “What happened?”

Tyler raises his head and meets my eyes, his expression stony. “Your sister is dead.”

The words hit me so hard they knock all the air from my lungs and I’m hurtled back in time until I’m reliving the moment all over again. Those four words— your sister is dead —coming from another man’s mouth. The smell of flowers. So many goddamn flowers. The casket. My sweet sister, who looked so unlike herself, so fake, I almost laughed as I stood over her.

My limbs go numb, and my ears ring, and the next thing I know, Tyler is on the floor, clinging to me.

“Fuck. Breathe, baby.”

I suck in ragged breaths, a pitiful attempt at forcing oxygen to my brain. “I’m sorry,” I sob. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Tyler pulls me against his chest and rocks me as I break, as I shatter into thousands of pieces. Tears pour from my eyes as memories of the days before she died assault me. The two of us had been making plans. We were going to move to Boston together. Though with the distance these last two years have given me, I see now that she knew she would never leave the hospital. She was planning a life for me so that I’d keep moving. Because if I’d stayed in our hometown, surrounded by our family and the grief, I’d become the grief.

“She gave me this life, but I couldn’t save hers,” I whisper.

Tyler runs his fingers through my hair. “I’m sorry, baby,” he murmurs, his tone low. “I got scared about Josie. I shouldn’t have said it like that. It’s not your fault. We’ll figure it out.”

“How? How will we figure it out? They know that our marriage started out as a lie. They know I’ve been texting my dead sister for years.” I choke on a sob. It will never be easy admitting she’s dead.

But I owe him the truth. It’s the bare minimum really.

“Andrea needed a new heart.” I look up at him, unable to make out his features through my tears. “That was my sister’s name. Andrea.” My breaths stutter in and out of my lungs. “The doctor came in and told us she was in heart failure, and I swear to god, my parents looked at me. At that moment, I wasn’t a person. I was a set of organs meant to keep her alive.” I swipe a tear from my cheek, though it’s pointless. My whole face is damp, and so is Tyler’s shirt. “My mother blinked first and shook her head, then she flushed a hideous red. I know she was mortified that she’d even let the thought enter her brain, but it was too late to hide her reaction. And honestly? I didn’t blame her for it. Because I thought it too. The words almost slipped out the way they always did. I’ll do it. It’s what I always said. Any time my sister needed something, I gave it to her. A water, a blanket, a kidney. ”

“Jesus,” Tyler whispers.

“But I couldn’t save her. I would have if I could, but I couldn’t. And now we’re going to lose our girl because of me.”

Tyler’s face turns fierce. “We are not going to lose Josie.”

I push back from him, suddenly suffocating. On my feet, I pace the dark room. “Yes, if I stay here, you’ll lose her. I won’t do that to you. Tell the court you didn’t know.” I let out a manic laugh. “It’s not even a lie. You had no idea your wife was mentally ill.”

“You’re not mentally ill,” he grits out, grasping at my leg as I stride past him.

I shake him off. “Tyler, this is why we got married,” I hiss. “ For her. She comes first. You need to put her first.”

Hauling himself to his feet, he steps in front of me, stopping my movements. “I need to put us first, baby. Our family. All of us. There is no us without you.”

Knowing what I need to do, I shake my head and back away. “No. This is the right thing. Go to court tomorrow. Blame me. She needs you, Tyler. You need to put her first. Promise me, Ty. Promise me you’ll fight for her.”

His eyes are wild as he stalks toward me.

I can’t look at him. I can’t see what I’ve done. Can’t face it.

“I’ll fight for both of us. Come on, vicious girl. Now is not the time to give up. Fight for them. Fight with me for them.”

“I can’t do it.” I curl in on myself and press a hand over my sternum, willing the searing pain in my chest to abate. “You’re better off without me and my baggage. What’s the court going to say when they find out I’ve been talking to my dead sister for two years? That’s not something a stable person would do. Who would give me a kid?”

“ Me .” He pounds his fist against his chest. “I would. I’d give you my child. My children. Please, Ava, don’t give up now. Be vicious for me. Fight for me.”

I cup his cheeks, and he sags in relief. “You’re such a good father. They deserve you, baby.” I press my lips to his, savoring one last kiss. “I love you. You deserve a partner who’s amazing. Promise me you’ll find someone amazing to raise those babies with you. You’ll do all the things we talked about. Babies and vacations, all the good, all the fun, all the moments.”

When Tyler places his hands over mine, I make the mistake of looking into those blue eyes of his. I’ll be haunted by what I see for the rest of my life. The man I love, a man with a chip on his shoulder who hides his emotions so well, is crying. Tears crest his lashes and stream down his face. “Please, Ava. Don’t say you love me for the first time as you’re breaking my heart.”

“You’ll find someone. You’ll be happy. Promise.”

He grunts low in his throat. “It’s you or no one. So if you can’t do this…” He pulls me in for a kiss. It’s desperate and messy and filled with emotion. All too soon, he pulls back and speaks slowly, enunciating each syllable, like he’s trying to imprint his words onto my heart. I’d let him if I could. “If you can’t do this, if you can’t fight, that’s okay. I would never keep you if it’s too hard for you. But Ava, you are the only woman I’ve ever loved. The only woman I will ever love. You’re not damaged. You’re not broken. You’re scarred, but I love every imperfection. They’re what make you who you are. My vicious woman who knows her worth and fought for every ounce of my attention. You deserve a place in this world. You deserve to live the life we dreamed of.”

The tears come faster again until Tyler is nothing but a blur. If I don’t leave now, I never will, so I press my lips to his fingers, kissing each hand, and pull away. Then I grab my purse by the door and leave without looking back.

The problem is, I have nowhere to go.