Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

31. Declan

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

declan

With Avery in bed, the tension is back.

I didn’t expect it. Not after such a relaxing dinner, and not once we went out for drinks with some of the guys. Seth had been laughing and shooting the shit with Boston all night. I thought he was going to ask me to take him home with us. Avery, on the other hand, was so smitten by Forker that he was blushing at her incessant compliments after the third drink.

Forker doesn’t blush.

Seth didn’t mind. He’s secure. I think even he can admit that Forker is a dazzling dude .

The cab ride home was full of conversation. There were no lulls. Unlike the conversation on the way home from the airport, this one included all of us. Having a good game seemed to lighten the mood. I know I felt ten pounds lighter after that win.

The Penny stress didn’t impact my game. That is a good sign.

But then Avery pecked Seth on the cheek and excused herself for the evening. The second the soft click of the guest room door sounded through the condo, the air grew thick with unsaid things, and I mean thick.

I scratch my jaw, hauling open the door to the fridge. I know it’s coming. I better prepare myself.

“Beer?”

Seth is quiet for a second. “Sure.”

I pull one out for myself, too. I crack mine open and hand Seth his across the island where he stands, finally finding the balls to meet his eyes.

He doesn’t reach for it. Even when I push it a bit closer to him, he does not lift his hand or break his gaze. I can feel his every question in the weight of his stare. Dark eyes behind dark rimmed glasses, seeing right through my bullshit.

Nerves prickle at the back of my neck.

I don’t like this.

I lift my beer to my lips and take the greediest, longest gulp of my life. When I lower it, he’s still staring at me like a fucking cop who is waiting for me to break on the other side of an interrogation table. The silence stretches through seconds, but it feels like hours.

I am officially uncomfortable in my own house, across from one of my closest friends.

Something snaps him back into action so suddenly that I almost take a step back.

Seth’s hand darts outward. He snatches the beer off the island, takes a big sip, and then slams it back down.

“Did you sleep with Penny?”

If I was taking a drink, I would have choked. My grip goes iron-clad on my beer can.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

“What?” I ask, forcing myself into neutrality.

Mad at her or not, this is not just about me. This is Penny’s business too, and she isn’t necessarily going around announcing that we slept together.

I might be pissed as hell at her, but I know that in that crazy little mind of hers, she thinks she did something wrong. Not to herself. Of course not. To fucking Gabe. To our friends. To me. I won’t hurt her more by sharing her secrets.

Seth stares at me, unblinking.

“Why are you asking me that?” I ask.

Okay fine, maybe I say it a bit too casually. I lift my beer to my lips in an attempt to look nonchalant, but Seth is perceptive as all hell. He studies my face like he’s going to be tested on it in the morning.

“Why aren’t you denying it?” he asks, tone sharp.

We watch each other carefully, both of us trying to read the other so that we can sway the conversation the way we want it to go. My heart is slamming so hard against my ribs that I’m sure he can hear it. Hell, I’m sure Avery can hear it upstairs—even if she sleeps like the dead.

This isn’t how this night is supposed to go. I had prepared for interrogations and lectures, but mostly focused on my own behaviour. I even practiced my apology in my head repeatedly, but this isn’t about our phone conversation at all, is it?

No, this is about him always seeming to know everything that I don’t want him to.

How the hell does he know?

If he suspected Avery knew, he would have asked already. He waited. Deliberately. He wanted me alone.

He’s guessing.

My silence tells him everything he wants to know.

“Fucking hell,” he groans, yanking the barstool toward him and falling into it. He places his hands in front of his mouth and lets out a long breath. “When?”

I’m still staring at him, frozen.

I… don’t know what to do. I really don’t know what to say, either. I’m stuck. It would kill Penny if anyone knew how soon she’d fallen into my bed. I will repeat this until I’m dead, she has nothing to feel guilty for. She is a single woman. I’ll defend her on that one until I am blue in the face—but she’d die if it ever got to the point where I had to.

Seth’s frown deepens. “Please tell me you aren’t the reason they broke up.”

“What? No!” I say quickly, and his brows shoot upward.

Fuck. Caught. I basically just tattooed ‘yes, I slept with her’ on my forehead.

I sigh, dropping my elbows on the island and burying my head in my hands.

“No,” I repeat, calmer this time. I lower my hands, meeting his disappointed face. “No. It was after.”

His jaw tightens. “How soon after?”

A few hours, give or take. However long the drive from Penny’s house to yours was.

“Does it matter?”

“That girl is like a sister to me, Declan. She’s Avery’s other half. I need to know how badly you fucked up, because you did fuck up. Enormously.”

“What? So, you can fuck one of the girls, but I can’t?” I snap.

That’s not what this is about. I’m deflecting. This is just none of his business, and it pisses me off that he thinks he can scold me like a kid over the exact same thing he has done.

We’re grown adults, not children.

He can wipe that look off his face. Hypocrite.

Irritation flashes over his face. “I waited until I was absolutely certain before I even considered making a move on Avery. How’d Tiffany work out for you? Didn’t learn your lesson? Needed an even harder one to slam it into your head? ”

Low blow.

“That’s not the same thing,” I bite out.

Tiffany was a mistake when I was young, dumb, and reckless. I saw the way she looked at me and I used that to my advantage. I learned my lesson there. Tiffany isn’t Penny and I am not the same asshole that put her through what I did all those years ago.

“It’s not?” he asks.

“It’s not,” I confirm, a tone of finality in my voice. He looks conflicted. It irks me. I’m his friend too, his brother . “You weren’t there. You didn’t see her. She was in shambles, Seth. He fucking broke her, just like I said he would!”

Seth’s stares at me, utterly expressionless. “So, you what? Fuck her back together?”

I groan, throwing my head back.

He doesn’t get it.

Nobody but Penny and I will ever understand how that night played out. She needed me and I am happy that I was there for her. We were raw with each other, open in a way neither of us have ever been. The fact that she let herself be that way with me meant something.

I wasn’t fucking her back together. I was acting on my own desire—my desire to remind her of who the fuck she is. Penny is a woman to be adored, to be worshiped, and if Gavin wasn’t going to do that for her, I sure as hell would. It’s criminal that a man neglected a woman as incredible as she is for so long.

“Look, I had a feeling that’s what happened. I kind of pieced this all together when she called you in London. I was just really hoping that I was wrong.”

Fuck . Why? Does everyone think I’ll break any woman I touch?

“It doesn’t concern you,” I remind him.

It doesn’t. It’s between Pen and I, and if we have to suffer due to our actions, that’s on us. I’ll survive it. She will too. I did everything I could to minimize the fallout. She chose differently. Sometimes, shit doesn’t work out the way you want it to.

His brows skyrocket. “It doesn’t? Should I remind you that you and I have had our first fight in years because of her? You’re fucking up your game because of her? She’s not allowed to come and see you play because of this.”

He waves his arms around the room like my condo had personally offended him too.

I stand, pointing my beer at him. “ That is because of her, Seth.”

He watches me for a second, arms crossed in front of him. After a long moment of staring into my soul, his eyes narrow.

“Do you really believe that this fight between you two would have continued on this long if you hadn’t slept with her?”

“What?”

“Penny is stubborn, but she loves hard. She’d run someone over with her car for hurting you. You really think that if you just kept it in your pants for one night, you two wouldn’t be fine right now?”

“She blocked me and cut me out long before that,” I remind him.

He rolls his eyes. “And you fixed that the second you opened my door and took care of her when she needed you most. It’s what came after that sealed your fate. I love you, Dec. You’re one of my favourite people on this planet, but you’re an asshole.”

So, he clearly knows the exact night that this all went down. That last comment is my limit.

“You know, it takes two people to have sex.”

He doesn’t miss a beat.

“It takes one person with their head on straight to realize that they probably shouldn’t sleep with a person who just had their heart ripped out. Especially if that person is someone you care about.”

Ouf.

His claws tear through my skin and rip at my heart with that one. He’s right. I know that he’s right. I’ve known that since that morning when I woke up and the spot beside me in bed was empty. I crossed a line that should have been left in the sand until a different time.

Lucky is a runner. What we did sent her running faster than she ever has in her life.

“She’s an adult.”

Stupid response, Dec. Good one, buddy.

“She was grieving,” he corrects me, and guilt immediately begins to trickle through my body. “Explain it to me. I don’t want to verbally accost you when I don’t know what the hell went on. How did it get to this point?”

I cock a brow. “You haven’t had the birds and the bees talk before?”

Seth doesn’t even kind of smile.

Fine, we’re past jokes.

I roll my eyes. “ She ran. She chose not to speak to me again. She ignored my texts and my calls. I have no idea what was going through her head, Seth. She wouldn’t talk. I tried to be there for her, and I tried to talk about what happened. She wanted none of it.”

He nods slowly. “I’ll take some responsibility for that. I think I’m partially at fault for her behaviour that weekend. I didn’t invite her to the party—a party I invited literally everyone else too. I hurt her, too.”

I don’t point out that he partially did that for my benefit.

“I think it was too much change at once. It sent her into a panic. We fucked things up more than we helped her. I don’t blame her for not answering you, and I don’t blame her for doing whatever she had to do to keep her sanity.”

I swallow the hard truths that he feeds me.

“You shouldn’t have slept with her, D.”

I meet his eyes, my heart plummeting to my gut. I say something that I really don’t want to say because it sucks, and it hurts.

“I know.”

I don’t regret it, not even now, but I see the point he’s making. She was reacting out of pain, out of grief, attempting to smother out the hurt inside of her with me. I should have been the one to stop it. I should have waited.

But I haven’t felt like I did that night in years . I don’t know if it’s ever felt like that before. It was like being with someone who knew the best and worst parts of my soul—intimate, world changing, overwhelming, and sex is ruined for me forever because of her.

I know that she felt beautiful that night. I know she believed me when I praised her, when I complimented every inch of her body and that top-tier mind of hers. I admired every one of her curves, every soft and sweet spot, from her mouth to her heart. And fuck, I meant it.

Her smile had been blinding, her eyes brought back to life. She felt special in that moment with me. Wanted. She felt like she was enough.

That is enough for me.

She deserves to know that she is spectacular. If I have to suffer for the rest of my life, remembering one night with a woman who permanently altered the pace of my heartbeat, who made me feel alive for a moment, only to metaphorically kill me in the next, it is enough for me.

Her remembering who the fuck she is will always be enough for me.

But Seth is right. I shouldn’t have done something that could mess with her emotions when they were already in tatters. Griffin had torn her life to shreds and I somehow made it worse without meaning to. I promise, that wasn’t my intention.

“Don’t tell me you have feelings for her.”

I jolt back to reality. Seth is gawking at me now, brow furrowed, but eyes wide and full of horror.

He sits in my silence and then winces, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling. “You have got to be kidding me!”

“I don’t know!” I admit quickly. I throw my hands up. I can’t grasp what I feel anymore. “I want to scream at her, but I don’t want to talk to her, either. I am constantly wondering if she’s alright, but I refuse to ask because I am so fucking mad at her. She pisses me off more than anybody on this planet, even more than Wyatt, but I still care, Seth.”

He blinks, stunned.

I shrug a shoulder. “It’s Lucky.”

“Oh god!” Seth exclaims, like I’ve just proved his point further. He falls to the island dramatically, throwing his arms over his head.

Honestly, someone get this guy on Broadway, for fuck sakes.

He presses his forehead to the marble.

“It doesn’t matter! She isn’t speaking to me. She wants nothing to do with me. I’ll get over whatever this is eventually.”

I doubt that. But I will learn to live with it. I have to.

“ How ?” he grumbles, rolling his head to glare at me, not bothering to adjust his glasses. “Avoiding her for the rest of your life? Pretending she doesn't exist? Making the rest of us uncomfortable when you can’t be in the same room together?”

“That won’t happen. ”

“It’s already happening.”

“Just for now.”

He sighs, long and loud through his nose. Perching his chin on top of his hands, Seth peers up at me with those dark brown eyes and for the first time tonight, he looks defeated.

“I… I really don’t know what to tell you. I don’t even think she’s told Avery what happened between you two, which means she’s stewing in silence, just like she did with Gavin.”

Another claw to the heart. I physically flinch at that one, reaching up to rub the space in the center of my chest. It’s not the same. I’m not the same.

“It’s not like it was with Gavin.”

“Isn’t it? She’s protecting you.”

Okay— what?

“She’s protecting herself.”

“No,” he says quickly, holding up a hand. “No. That’s where you’re wrong. If this was about her, Avery would know. The only reason she would not tell the other half of her soul is because she doesn’t want you getting hurt in the crossfire.”

I blink, staring at him.

What— no, that isn’t it.

“I’m not going to tell Ave,” Seth says. He looks less than pleased about that. “I’m leaving you to fix this. If Penny wants her to know, she’ll tell her. But don’t think I’m not furious with you for forcing me to keep secrets from her.”

“I’m not forcing you to do anything.”

His brows skyrocket.

“No?” he moves to stand. “Should I go wake her and fill her in?”

When the hell did I say that?

My eyes nearly bug out of my head. I slam my hand down onto the island.

Seth freezes and slowly lowers himself back into his seat, a smug grin on his lips.

“No,” I say quickly. There are one million reasons why that’s a bad idea. “It’s nobody’s business. Not even Avery’s.”

“Just fix it. Call her. Text her. Do something.”

“She also has a phone,” I remind him. “And she’s the one who cut this off.”

A phone she used to block me from viewing her life. A phone she has used to ignore my messages time and time again.

“Whatever. Be the bigger person,” he scoffs, taking a swig of his beer.

The problem is, I don’t want to, and I don’t know where I’d even start. At what point do I throw in the towel? The ball is in her court. It has been for weeks. Who am I to try to convince her that I’m worth keeping around?

She’s got to figure that out on her own.

“I know you have both of our best interests at heart,” I say, leaning forward on my elbows. He dips his chin in agreement. “But Penny needs to decide what Penny wants. You don’t get to make that choice, and I sure as hell don’t either. If she doesn’t want to talk to me, we both have to respect that.”

She’s had to deal with a guy who emotionally manipulated her for years. I’m going to let her make her own decisions on her own time, even if I’m the one who ends up bleeding on the fucking pavement.

Seth stares at me for a long moment, his fingers tapping the edge of his beer bottle. I see the moment he concedes. His shoulders sink a bit, but he nods.

He agrees, accepts my words at face value, and asks for another beer.

Fight over.