Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

38. Declan

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

declan

“I don’t think we were supposed to tell each other who we got.”

Of course we weren’t. The whole point of secret Santa is the ‘secret’ part. We’ve been doing this for almost a decade and somehow, EJ is still grappling with the rules. I am surprised he even remembered whose name he pulled. Two years ago, he had to stealthily figure out who everyone else got two days before the exchange because he couldn’t remember who he was supposed to buy for.

That’s why we pull names before we get too intoxicated now.

I snort. “Well, I’m not braving these malls alone.”

EJ glances sideways at me, rotating the small snow globe ornament in his hand. “Too famous?”

I roll my eyes but say nothing. That’s exactly why.

“Why do none of these have a fucking nutcracker?” he grumbles, dropping the ornament with a long breath.

I scan the wall of ornaments. He’s had his mind made up on what he was going to get Lauren for two days now. I don’t know what inspired the idea, but I got an excited text at one in the morning with screenshots, asking me to hit up the mall with him. He’s set on it now. I don’t know if he’ll stop until he finds the specific things he wants.

Hell, he might even figure out how to build the stuff himself if he can’t find them in the shops.

Fun fact about our darling friend Lauren Wakes: she collects nutcrackers.

Fun fact about EJ Dalton: he’s going overboard with the whole nutcracker thing.

He wants a nutcracker ornament, a nutcracker piece of decor for her house, and he’s hired some local woman to make her a nutcracker doormat for her entryway. He’s on cloud nine thinking about watching her open millions of nutcrackers.

If she doesn’t like them, I think it will break his heart.

I skim the shelves. I don’t know why. I’m not going to buy Wyatt anything from here. Truth is, I still don’t know what the hell to get him. He’ll like anything, but I want to get him something good. All these years and I’ve never pulled his name. He’s been one of the best people in my life for a long time, even though he gets on my nerves. Even if he’s been a little too close to the girl that I’m desperate to be close to lately.

“Oh my god!”

I whirl around. Half of EJ’s body is hidden behind a shelf. His gaze snaps up to mine, blue eyes wide. He slowly raises his hands above the shelf so that I can see what he’s holding. A big, white snow globe. Inside of it are three nutcrackers in blue and gray outfits.

A smile touches my lips.

He stares at me with a gobsmacked look and violently starts shaking the globe. Snow starts falling around the nutcrackers.

“That’s kind of perfect. ”

His eyes light up even more. He glances at it, his smile growing. “Kind of? It’s the jackpot of nutcrackers. I think her house is all blues and grays, too.”

He holds it to his chest like the eighty-year-old woman slowly creeping toward him is going to snatch it from his hands and beat him with her cane. He shoots her a look of warning as she hobbles even closer.

I glance back to the rows of ornaments along the walls, shaking my head as I huff a laugh.

EJ hurriedly rushes past me to the register, so I follow him at a snail’s pace. There’s nothing here for me. I don’t know if Wyatt is even putting up a tree at his own house this year. If he does, it’s not up yet. I think he’s just been going and visiting Avery and Seth if he needs a holiday boost.

EJ taps his card against the machine and looks over his shoulder at me.

“Everything okay with you and P, bro?”

My head whips upward, brows shooting to my hairline. I try not to let my surprise show in my face, but I fail immediately. I’m getting tired of that question, and tired of my friends picking up on the tension. I have been trying my best to keep this neutral, but her avoiding me like the plague is not bettering our case.

“I’m still blocked on everything, if that’s what you mean.”

EJ sighs, watching the cashier wrap up his purchase carefully. I imagine her dropping it and EJ going into a full-on toddler-like tantrum, snot and slobber included.

My god, it’s been five minutes and he’s emotionally attached to a snow globe.

“I didn’t want to ask. Things have just felt a bit off. I can tell you haven’t fully put it to bed.”

If EJ is mentioning it, it’s been bothering him, so it must be noticeable. EJ keeps his nose in his own business unless he’s invited into someone else’s. Except for Wyatt, but their relationship is different in that sense. If he’s calling me out on this, he’s worried about it.

I don’t want to tell him that no, we haven’t mulled it over. I made it worse instead. It’s a talent by now, really. Do you know what you should do when your friend cuts you out, blocks you from her life, and then breaks up with her long-term boyfriend, who you openly hate? Sleep with her. Like, the same night.

Come to me for life advice anytime.

“I don’t know if things are even partially put to bed.”

EJ takes the bag from the cashier and thanks her with a smile. He turns to me, shooting me a look of disbelief. “If she’s sitting in the same room as you, I’d say that they are.”

I guess that’s true enough. Penny makes it very apparent when she doesn’t like someone. She’s not overtly rude, but she won’t stick around to feign pleasantries. Where our situation differs is, I think she’s only being courteous because of the crew. She’s not going to make them suffer because we’re all kinds of fucked up. That’s not her style.

I don’t think that means she’s any more or less angry with me than others in the past. I’d wager it’s worse with us than it was with them. If our friends weren’t involved, I doubt she would ever even look in my direction again and that stings.

“I don’t know.”

“Again, not my business,” EJ says, holding the door for me as we leave the store. “But she’s stubborn as hell, Dec. She’s not going to be the one to wave the white flag first, especially if she was in the wrong. It isn’t the same when you guys are only there to put brave faces on for our benefits.”

A small bubble of relief pops in my chest. It’s nice to know that someone can consider that she might have done some damage here. EJ glances into a shop, craning his neck for more nutcrackers as we pass .

I’m grateful for him, looking out for me but letting things go when I need him to.

I never wanted for any of them to feel awkward in our presence. Fuck, I almost didn’t come home for Christmas at all because I feared this would happen.

But maybe it’s time to stop swallowing my pride for her comfort.

This isn’t over a fight about Gavin anymore. It’s not as simple as walking up to her and apologizing. We both crossed too many lines, too many times. We both hurt each other beyond what we could handle and then refused to deal with the consequences.

When she thanked me for the coffee, everything I wanted to say got stuck in my throat. I had a chance to address this, and I blew it. I blame those eyes for looking into mine and melting my brain.

I won’t throw her under the bus. Our friends can think what they want. They don’t need to know the depths of what happened. Not the sex, not the phone call, not the leaving me in bed and ripping my fucking heart out by leaving me on read. It’s easier if they don’t know. For everyone’s sake.

Maybe if they think this is something we can eventually get over, they’ll stop asking questions.

But one thing is for certain, this can’t continue the way that it’s going. Which really sucks, because I still have about a week at home to spend with these people. Which means I have to tackle the issue head-on, even if that idea makes my whole body feel cold and jittery.

I have to talk to Penelope Anne Sweeten, and that feels like a death sentence.