Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

43. Declan

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

declan

I pull my hat low on my head and avoid the curious stares. I hate airports on a good day. I despise them during the holidays. I’m back in Pittsburgh two days before Christmas. In a fucking airport.

I know.

It wasn’t part of the plan until it became the only plan that mattered.

After I closed Penny’s door behind me, I felt every last shred of anything good inside of me, shatter and turn to dust. I ignored Wyatt as I left, even when he chased me to the door and tried to stop me. I had to get into my car and get away from that house, that room… that girl.

I will never admit this to her, but the moment I turned off of Wyatt’s street, I lost it for a second. I gripped the steering wheel, my hands shaking, and when that first tear fell down my face, I knew what it meant. What I felt. What I had to let go of.

The second I got back to my hotel room, I booked the first flight I could find that would get me the hell out of that city. I packed my things as quickly as I could and made two stops before the airport: Seth’s house and my parents’ house.

Naturally, my parents were overly concerned when I walked in and announced that I wouldn’t be staying for Christmas. They asked very little questions, but by the way my mom’s hands trembled when she reached up to cup my face, I know they’re worried. I’ve never done something like this before. I don’t mess with traditions.

I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with their questioning eyes and concern. I promised I’d call them on Christmas and left them standing on the porch step, clinging to each other and watching their son run away from his problems.

Then, I drove to Seth’s with my tail between my legs. I wasn’t brave enough to face either of them after what I said or did. I wasn’t looking for a face-to-face conversation.

I dropped the bottles I had bought for our Christmas gathering on their front step. It’s a basket full of each person’s favourite drink. I do it every year for them. I won’t be stopping now.

Then, I left my hometown behind.

I have never been so grateful to be so far from home. Knowing that Penny isn’t breathing the same air as me is oddly relieving.

She broke me that millionth time that she pushed me away. More than before. I needed to get back to the only life I’ve known without her in it.

I think I broke her long before then.

To be honest, I think me, Gavin, and her own broken heart broke her. It was a recipe for destruction, all of those moving pieces pushing and pulling against each other, but she wouldn’t even let me try and fix it. She wouldn’t acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, she also broke me a bit, too.

The airport feels one thousand feet larger than it ever has before, but I finally manage to step outside into the cold, morning air with my suitcase in my grip.

It’s early and I only left Canada last night, but it feels like I’ve been traveling for a week straight. I had to spend half of my night in an airport due to the limited flight availability on such short notice. The layover was over eight hours, and it was spent on uncomfortable chairs, drinking overpriced beer. Even if the layover was ten days long, I would have still taken that flight.

I peer around the busy parking lot, looking for my knight in shining armor. He’s here somewhere, waiting to rescue me. Erratic honking sounds from my right. I rear my gaze to the blacked-out G-Wagon along the curb, waiting with its hazards on.

My chariot awaits.

I make my way toward it and toss open Forker’s trunk. Throwing my bags inside, I shout a quick greeting to him. I climb into the passenger’s seat, buckle myself in and literally deflate. Finally deflate. Away from prying eyes, I let myself take a full, painful breath.

Forker watches me carefully from behind his black sunglasses, making no move to drive. It’s quiet for a second, neither of us speaking. Him looking at me and me looking anywhere but him.

“The girl from home?”

I rub my bottom jaw, resting my head against the window. There’s a stupid knot of emotion in my throat. I could lie to avoid this conversation, but I’m too tired to try. Maybe I’m too tired of keeping this in.

I just nod, letting out a long breath.

“Lowesy,” he says sympathetically, reaching over to clasp my shoulder. I sniff and look away. “It’ll be okay, man. ”

It won’t. I know that now. It will just… stop feeling so bad. Eventually. She’s gone. I saw it in her eyes when she looked at me. She wants nothing to do with me, friend or otherwise. At some point, that became an easier reality for her to face than trying to salvage things.

I missed the mark on interpreting why she was doing the things that she was doing. I couldn’t have been expected to just know that she was afraid of being rejected again, but I feel like I should have put two and two together and stopped taking things so personally.

I know how Penny operates. I’ve been around her long enough. It was pretty obvious that she was self-destructing.

This whole thing imploded because she was scared that I would have regretted her. How am I supposed to get over that? How am I ever supposed to stitch up that piece of my heart that those words tore out?

“Thanks for coming to grab me.”

“Obviously,” Forker grumbles, adjusting his sunglasses on his nose. He pulls away from the curb, checking his blind spot quickly. “But you’re having Christmas with me and Boss on Thursday. I hope you know that. That’s the price I charge for picking you up at the ass crack of dawn.”

I sigh, leaning my head against the window again. “You aren’t going home?”

Boston isn’t. Boston never does. This is Boston’s home now. We’re his family. But Forker? He loves forcing his family to spend holidays together.

“My parents have decided to spend the week in Mexico with their significant others,” he says with a shake of the head, like it’s the ultimate act of betrayal. “Their kids didn’t get the invite, by the way. Ari decided if mom and dad aren’t going to be there, she’d rather stay at college. I even tried to bribe her by paying for her flight and taking her shopping. She shut me down.”

I stifle a laugh. “Ruthless.”

“I’m scared that she has a boyfriend, honestly,” he says with a pained groan. He pays the toll for parking, flashing a smile at the tenant in the booth who blushes at his handsome face.

“How old is she now? Twenty-five? She’s doing her Masters, Fork. She’s an adult.”

“That’s fine and fucking dandy,” he grumbles, slowing at a red light. “If she had better taste in men. I guarantee you this guy is a DJ who deals drugs on the side. In fact, I’d bet my career on it.”

I’ve met Ariana three times in my life. She’s one of those chicks who is intimidating off the hop. Even at twenty-three, she was poised and put together, and had this air of superiority that some people are just born with. She’s smart and logical and so entirely career driven that I’m surprised she is dating at all.

It’s odd that her type would be that type. I feel like she’d look down her nose at anyone who didn’t have a couple of acronyms in front of their name. Godspeed to whoever he is, because Forker is scary as hell when he’s pissed.

“We can fly down there and intimidate him,” I offer as we turn onto the freeway. “I’ve got some anger I could unleash.”

Forker breathes a laugh, but I feel his sideways gaze on me. “So, what happened?”

I swallow, staring at the street ahead of us. “We kept hurting each other until too much damage was done. That’s what happened.”

Forker nods, turning back to the road. It’s quiet for a second.

You’d expect one of the boys to look at me and recommend going out to the bar tonight, fucking the first hot girl I find, maybe two of them. You’d expect Forker to slap me on the shoulder and tell me the easiest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.

But that’s not him, and it definitely isn’t me.

“Look, if you love her, it’s never going to be that simple. You might have to fight for it, but it’s not dead in the water. I don’t know the details, but I’ve heard you talk about her. It doesn’t have to be over if you don’t want it to be.”

“You didn’t see her face,” I mutter under my breath.

I did. I can’t get it out of my head.

“I see yours,” he says.

I don’t know what that means, but it stings all the same. “Can we drop it, Forker?”

“If you want to,” he says. “Just… don’t hole up on me, alright? I have your back. We don’t let each other suffer in silence.”

I roll my head on the window to look at him. He flashes me a gentle smile, and I swear I see those eyes twinkling behind his sunglasses. He’s one of the good ones. I struck gold with him, and I don’t tell him enough.

I reach over and smack him on the shoulder, shaking him gently.

“I love you, buddy.”

“You too, sweet cheeks.”

When I get home, I hang my keys by the door and trudge through my kitchen as if my feet are attached to cement blocks. Every step feels heavy and sucks the energy from me. When I finally drag myself into the living room, I fall onto the couch, face-first, and vow that I’m not getting up until morning.

It’s outrageously clean in here and it smells like lemons. Anna left me a case of beer as a Christmas gift on the counter. I saw it on my leisurely walk to the sofa. I love my housekeeper, have I ever mentioned that? She shouldn’t be buying me anything, but she does. For holidays, for my birthday, just because.

I am happy that I left that card stocked full of her Christmas bonus on the island before I left. I almost forgot. It’s gone, which means that she accepted it. It took two years for her to finally stop refusing the gifts that I gave her as a thank you. That makes me happy. I’m hoping that it helps her out. I know her daughter has her eyes set on an Ivy League next year and Anna’s worried about the cost, despite her many scholarships.

I snatch the remote from the coffee table and turn on the TV, letting out a long sigh.

My phone has been on airplane mode ever since I boarded the plane. I turned it on only twice, both times to text Forker and my father. Other than that, I’ve been unreachable. I guess it’s time to face the music. I’ll have to do it sometime. Maybe if I’m lucky, they’ll all be relieved that I left.

With my face plastered against the cushions, I turn my service back on.

My phone begins to vibrate uncontrollably. I stare at the sports highlights on the TV until it stops, letting my notifications catch up. When it’s finally silent, I find the courage to open all the texts and missed calls.

Oh, I’m fucked.

Wyatt tried to call me over ten times. Seth, five. EJ, nothing. No calls from Penny, either. Unsurprising, but it still hurts.

All group chats, both with just the guys and with the whole crew, are radio silent.

Never a good sign.

I open Wyatt’s messages first. I don’t want to admit that it’s because I know he’s with her, but that’s why.

Wyatt

I told you not to make it worse.

???? Declan. What did you say to her?

You know what, I’m done trying to make you feel better. She’s inconsolable. Whatever you did, great job.

My heart sinks. Not what I wanted. I shut my eyes and let out a long, pained breath. I didn’t mean to do that, but she twisted my arm. I can’t keep participating in this vicious cycle. I’ve become a pawn in her game and it fucking hurts .

There’s a lull in Wyatt’s texts until this morning, a few hours after I boarded my plane.

Wyatt

You left? What the fuck, Declan. We don’t do this. Goodbye Parade? No matter the circumstances??? It’s Christmas.

Just call me. Please. I’m sorry for being a prick.

A Rolex?? It was a fifty-dollar cap, Dec. Jesus. I love it, but not more than I love you. Please call me.

Yeah, not going to happen. Not right now, anyway. I need a break from all of them, even if it’s just for a day. I am not stoked that Penny and I made a scene in the middle of the road, but I’m even more unwilling to discuss how we ended things.

I switch to Seth’s conversation. I brace myself for the worst. We left things on the wrong foot, him and I. He’s not going to hold back on me.

Seth

Come over. Avery’s in bed. We’ll go for a drive. We need to talk.

Not going to answer now? After that show you put on? After you talk to my wife like that?

I already talked to her. I want to make it clear; she isn’t just allowed to talk to my best friend like that either. She was out of line and so were you. We need to talk, Declan, or this is all going in the shitter. Come over.

I had already left by then. I was boarding a plane.

Seth

What the fuck did Avery just find on the doorstep? This better not mean what I think it means.

Just talked to your mom. Declan, you’re an idiot. You don’t leave town without fixing this first. Avery’s devastated. Fuck, I’m hurt. You’re meant to be here at Christmas.

I know it probably felt like the world was against you, but it wasn’t. We weren’t. Everyone just needed to cool off, D. Please call me. I love you, brother.

My chest constricts. Why does it hurt me more to hear that they aren’t angry with me? It was easier to leave thinking that they all were after me with pitchforks. That way, hurting their feelings felt like a necessary evil. I didn’t expect that I’d have people in my corner after that.

I don’t want anyone taking sides. If they do, I’d want them to be on hers. I don’t even want to think about her feeling the way I’m feeling now and having nobody there to comfort her.

EJ might not have called, which isn’t surprising. But he did text.

EJ

Did you two talk?

Text me when you’re done. Hoping it goes well, bud.

You left??? Declan, what the fuck?

I sigh, moving to the next conversation. My brow furrows, realizing I missed one of the notifications.

The last message in my inbox has my head lifting from the cushions. The last name that I expected to see was hers. From anyone else, fine. Even Penny. But her?

Tiffany

Give her time.

It’s kind. It’s a truce. It’s an attempt to be a friend. A good one. Nothing more.

Before I can process the message, my phone is ringing. Seth’s name is glaring up at me, an ugly picture of him in his underwear from college on the screen.

He’s my best friend in the world, but I’m terrified to speak to him.

I swallow. I can’t let this one go unanswered. Not after how many times he’s tried to contact me in the last twelve hours.

I answer it, but I don’t speak.

“Dec?” he asks quietly.

I shut my eyes, falling back onto the couch. “Yeah.”

A long breath leaves his nose. “I’m so sorry, buddy. I… I should have been with you.”

I swallow. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

About Avery. To Avery.

“She knows,” he says. I hear him shuffling around, and then a door closes in the background. “She’s wrecked with guilt over it. None of us wanted you to leave. This isn’t what should have happened.”

“You warned me that it would,” I mumble.

That it would all blow up in my face. He told me I had to fix it before it got out of hand, and I sat on my hands and let it simmer. I let it kill us both, even when I knew I had to step up and be the bigger person. She was too fragile to do it herself.

“Yeah, so I should have been there when it did,” he says carefully. There’s a small beat of silence, and I can practically hear his mind spinning. “If I had any idea that you were considering going home, I would have prioritized you.”

I smile gently, because… bullshit.

“No, you wouldn’t have.”

It would have been Avery regardless. As it should be.

He breathes a laugh. “Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

“I needed to leave,” I tell him. This isn’t on them. It’s me. I needed this.

Another pause. “Okay.”

“Not because of you. Not because of Avery. Tell her that for me.”

“I’ll try, but I’m sure she’ll want to talk to you herself.”

I nod, even though he can’t see me. Shit. I feel like crying. Something feels wrong in my chest. It’s like I can’t breathe, like my heart doesn’t know how to work properly anymore. There’s only one thing I want to know, that I need to know. I’m trying to keep it in, to sever whatever this fucked up connection is, but it’s slipping out before I can stop it.

“Seth?”

“Yeah?”

“How is she?” I practically whisper.

He’s quiet for a second, and these little pauses he keeps doing are breaking my heart. He’s trying to be careful. To protect me.

“Probably feeling the same as you right about now,” he admits. “She can’t face Avery. She’s checked in, but that’s about it. She’s still at Wyatt’s.”

Fuck.

“Oh,” is all I can manage.

Avery’s right, I imploded Penny’s life with a few, quick mistakes. Now, Penny doesn’t even have her best friend to reach for. I put a wedge between the twins. You know how bad things have to be to do that?

“Did you tell her?” he asks.

I slowly open my eyes, staring at the TV. I play stupid because it’s the only way I know how to protect this fucking crack that’s slowly tearing in my chest.

“Tell her what?”

“You know what.”

I run my hand over my face. Yeah, I know what. Even if it hadn’t gone the way it had, I wouldn’t have admitted what I can’t even admit to myself. It is too terrifying, too real, and there’s no way in hell that I was going to blurt it out as some scapegoat to get out of this fight.

If I ever say it, it won’t be as a saving grace. It’ll be because I need her to know that she’s my saving grace. It’ll be at the right time and because it felt right and for no other reason but that.

I don’t think that moment is a possibility any longer. No matter what Forker thinks, it’s dead in the water. We’re dead in the water.

“No.”

“Have you told yourself yet?” he pushes.

I roll my eyes, letting out a groan. Oracle Seth, now at your service. “Seth. ”

He lets out an airy laugh, letting it go. Though, if I know him at all, he’s dying to push about this.

“Come home, D. We need you here for Christmas. All of us.”

“I can’t,” I whisper, and I hate the way my breath hitches. “It’s better if we’re away from each other right now.”

I’m not leaving just to run right back. That wasn’t the point. This is necessary to finally start the process of moving on. I need to move on, or at least start trying to. If I carry on the way I have been, I’ll lose it. I’ll spend forever reaching for somebody who keeps pushing me away.

Wyatt

Call me, buddy.

I don’t.