Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

45. Declan

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

declan

I stumble back into my condo after a long Christmas day spent with Boston and Forker. I’m drunk and miserable and am not ashamed to admit that I missed home today. Watching my friends celebrate the holidays on social media was a new kind of pain.

I wish I could have been there, but I don’t regret leaving. In no world would it have been possible for all of us to coincide and play pretend, eating food and tossing back drinks as if what happened didn’t happen—acting like everything is fine when it’s not fine. It might never be fine.

Yeah, yeah, and seeing her would have destroyed me. There’s that, too.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I shot a quick text to the ‘Big Dogs’ chat this morning. I wished them a Merry Christmas and they sent back similar regards, telling me that they missed me and all the usual mushy stuff one says over the holidays.

Call me a pussy, but I’m not ready to message any chat that she’s a part of. Even if she’s just one of ten people in it.

Avery texted me separately the second that text hit Seth’s phone. I was expecting that, but I wasn’t expecting her to extend an olive branch. She did. She wished me a Merry Christmas and told me that if I ever needed to talk, she would be open to it.

I know I put her in a tough spot, but I’m glad she still loves me enough to know that I needed that. Let’s be honest, though. I am never going to talk to Avery about Penny.

I value my life.

Not to out myself as an obsessed loser, but I noticed with too keen of an eye that Penny is barely in any of the pictures or videos that are posted throughout the day. If I hadn’t caught a glimpse of her honey-coloured hair in the back of a video that EJ put on his story, I would have assumed she had run away like I did.

I’m glad that she was there. Relieved, too.

It means she didn’t run back to him because she was terrified and hurt.

I can only hope that she feels more comfortable with me gone. I want her to be able to enjoy herself the way she hadn’t been able to for the past few days. Hell, for the past few years , having to deal with that idiot over the holidays.

I’ve seen her cry enough in twenty-four hours to last me a lifetime. I’m hoping she’s smiling today, even if I’m not.

She’s going through a tough time. She is protecting herself in the only way that she knows how. I just wish that she didn’t have to cut my heart out and chuck it on the ground to get through it.

Then there was the speech.

The fucking speech that had me booking an Uber right back to my condo. Sent from Seth’s phone, directly to my own. They did it to include me, but it really only succeeded in making me feel so homesick that I had to stop drinking and get my ass home.

A drunken Wyatt stood at the head of the table, a paper crown sideways on his head, holding a shot glass in his hand. I love those paper crowns. They’re from those stupid little Christmas crackers that Avery gets us every year. She forces us to wear them, and we complain the whole time, but we would all miss it if she stopped.

Wyatt is smiling from ear to ear, his brown eyes a little glossy.

It’s shocking that he’s the one with his glass raised. He’s never the guy to make grand gestures at these kinds of events.

“I just want to say Merry Christmas to all my favourite people. I wish we could have all been together. It’s all that I wanted this year.” He swallows, glancing around the table. “I love you guys more than anything on this fucking planet. Thank you for being my family and my home away from home. Thank you for taking care of me since the dawn of this friendship. You guys don’t know how good we have it, having each other. No matter which way we lean, there is someone there to catch us. You have to remember that, even when shit feels bad. Merry fucking Christmas! Merry Christmas, Dec!”

His words are slurred, but he looks so damn happy that it makes me feel so damn terrible. He turns to the camera at the end, holding up his glass. To me. That crooked smile doesn’t hit his eyes, but he’s drunker than he usually gets.

He winks and the video ends.

Christmas with Forker and Boston was nice, but it wasn’t the same. It didn’t feel like Christmas. I know how my holidays are going to go like the back of my hand. I pride myself on the traditions me and my friends started when we were in our early twenties.

My favourite morning of the year is the morning that I missed today.

Parties, bars, and fanfare are nothing in comparison.

Waking up without the smell of coffee and cinnamon buns was dreadful. Waking up to an empty condo was worse. Absent were the sounds of Seth in the kitchen. There was none of EJ’s contagious laughter, either.

There was no Penny.

Boston had Christmas dinner catered by some unbelievably ritzy company. The food was impeccable. Honestly, I’ve never had a meal so delicious in my life. Don’t you dare tell Seth. There was enough food to feed a whole party, despite there being only the three of us in attendance. We did a good number on it.

We ate, we drank, and by six o’clock, I was too drunk to function. I was moping around because I wasn’t home when I should be, and then I started pouting like a baby. Just a bit. It wasn’t cute, and I was clearly bringing down the mood. So, I did the responsible thing and got a ride back to my condo, instantly collapsing onto the couch and focusing on my sorrows instead.

I also opened another beer. Alone. Sue me.

But fuck, I’m going through a tough time, too.

I am so fucking in love with Penelope Sweeten.

Like, pathetically in love with that idiot.

I wish I could have fixed this. I know I have said that one hundred times by now, but I mean it more today than I did yesterday. By being forced to be without her, I can’t stop picturing Christmas with her. Really with her.

Placing a coffee in front of her, one that I made myself with the perfect amount of hazelnut creamer and wishing her a Merry Christmas. I’d lean down to brush my lips against hers just enough to have her impatiently pulling me back to her mouth. And she’d smile that real smile of hers—bigger than usual, because it’s Christmas and Penny loves Christmas.

I want to sit next to her at our table full of friends, my arm lazily around her shoulders, whispering how beautiful she is into her ear. Making her blush. Making her feel special. I’d tuck her head under my chin as we sprawl out on Seth’s couch, staring at Avery’s perfect tree while our friends play some stupid game that is destined to end in a fight.

It’d be one of those moments I want to live in forever. Easy. Her in my arms.

And I’d be proud to be the one that gets to do all of that for her.

With her.

But, I can’t do it anymore. I can’t want it. I can’t try. I need to get over it. I’m too old for this emotional warfare. I know she’s broken, but so am I. I’ve got to cut this off. It’s my only option. I’ll take the rest of this season to focus on myself and hopefully bring the cup home. That needs to be the only thing I worry about from this point onward if I’m going to survive this.

Maybe one day we can talk, put everything on the table, and maybe we could be friends again.

One day sounds nice.

It won’t be anytime soon, but I’m starting to think that maybe that’s for the best.

I have to prioritize myself, my job, my team, and winning that silver cup.

I have to force myself to forget. Before it kills me.

December 28th:

Wyatt

You alive, bro? Call me. Missed you at Christmas. Miss bugging you. Love you.