Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

47. Penny

CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

penny

“Why won’t they let us see him?” I whisper for the hundredth time.

I wipe my eyes. It’s been almost thirty-two hours, and they still haven’t been able to give us a reasonable update or let us see Wyatt. I’m exhausted but full of adrenaline at the same time. Did anyone ever tell you that about grief? How you can run on fumes and still keep trucking along? How you feel like you’re dying, but that’s okay, because you’d rather it be you?

Oh, Wy.

I’ve been texting his sister. They haven’t given his family much information either, but Lily is the only reason that I know he hasn’t been pronounced dead. It sounds like that can still change, like it will be touch and go for a bit, and that idea breaks me.

Even if they sedated me, the fumes would keep me going. There isn’t a chance that I’m closing my eyes until I know if he’ll ever open his.

Thirty-two hours and we know nothing more than we did when we arrived .

This is torture.

I just want to hold his hand.

I just need to see that he’s breathing.

I want to tell him I love him.

His family are on their way. They dropped everything the second I found the courage to make that phone call. I broke the news to Lily. I couldn’t bring myself to be the one to tell his parents.

Still, Wyatt needs someone beside him until he wakes up. He needs me until they get here. That’s why he put me down as his emergency contact, right? He wanted me beside him. He trusted me to stay strong for him.

If only these doctors would let me see him.

EJ drops into the seat beside me, handing me the coffee that he just ran out for. He must see the way my hands shake, because he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into him, kissing my temple.

It took forever to reach him in the mines, but he got here the second that he heard.

I suck in a breath in an attempt not to cry, but I melt into him anyway.

I’ll never get the image of EJ sobbing in Seth’s arms out of my mind. His legs gave out the second he ran through those hospital doors. Fell right into Seth, clinging to him while he lost his shit. Seth struggled to keep him upright, trying to soothe him with hushed words, but EJ was inconsolable.

It was the most painful thing I have ever had to witness.

It will still never top that phone call.

I didn’t think I was going to survive it. It had been late, but not too late for it to be weird for somebody to call me. I had been in the middle of an episode of Grey’s Anatomy , picking at my cheese and crackers.

I answered the call from the unknown caller .

I answered and then the world exploded.

I collapsed in the doorway of EJ’s house, wearing only my nightgown and winter boots, my keys in my hand.

I know that they had said his name, had said what happened, had said where he’d be, but I suddenly couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t remember the way to the hospital. I couldn’t remember the last time I hugged him. I just couldn’t. Period. But what I did know is that I had to get to him.

Immediately.

I ran around the house in those winter boots, with bare legs, clutching my keys so hard that they cut my palm. I held my phone to my ear, despite there being nobody on the other line anymore, and I talked aloud to the air as if the sky could answer me.

I couldn’t feel my hands, or my feet, or my heart.

Then reality came crashing down and I went with it.

My first call hadn’t been to Avery or Seth. It hadn’t even been to Wyatt’s family. It was instinct and it was instant, and I hate that it was.

I called Declan.

I called Declan over and over and over again, pleading with him to answer me, screaming that word over and over again in the doorway with my head in my hands: please.

I called until I couldn’t breathe, until my cries turned to screams, but he never answered. Not a single call. Not when I sunk to the floor against EJ’s front door, praying to a god that I haven’t believed in for years.

I’m sure you’re wondering where Declan is. Still missing in action.

“They’re just doing their job,” EJ reminds me quietly, pulling me from that memory. It keeps popping up with a vengeance. He kisses my head again, an act of comfort for himself as much as it is for me.

I think of all the times Wy has done the same thing.

EJ is exhausted. He hasn’t slept. Some of us can catch a few minutes of sleep here or there, but not him. Not me, either. His eyes are rimmed red, and his shirt’s all wrinkled from the long drive back. It doesn’t help that we can’t get comfortable on these waiting room seats, either. They’re not welcoming. They’re not made for waiting. It’s like the hospital would rather you leave instead.

Thankfully, they’ve given us our own little waiting room to hide in. I’m not sure why. I didn’t ask when they led us here, couldn’t really think straight at that point, but we’re alone. Just Wyatt’s family. Just the six of us, when there should be seven. Eight, really, because Wy should be here, too.

I wonder if this is the place where they keep the grievers who aren’t sure what they’re grieving yet.

Avery has been restless, but she’s finally fallen asleep in the corner of the room. She’s buried under Seth’s coat, curled up on that tiny chair. Seth’s right beside her, eyes glued to the ceiling, fingers running through her hair absentmindedly.

It’s strange how we all react differently in a crisis. One would expect Avery to jump into action, to try to take care of everyone, to try and fix the unfixable, but she’s gone entirely vacant. She has barely uttered a word. Barely blinked.

Tiffany and Lauren are talking quietly amongst each other a few seats away. Lau is trying her hardest to be resilient, but I know this brought up a lot of stuff for her from her past with her brother. Tiffany is grounding her, keeping her here , in this tragic moment. Despite how bad this is, it’s better than starting up a war with the past.

EJ lets out a long sigh, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m so mad at him. ”

I swallow, nodding. “That’s okay. I am a bit, too.”

He glances down at the floor, fidgeting with the cardboard sleeve of his coffee cup. “I should have noticed. Him and I talk every second of every single day. He’s my guy. ”

“I didn’t see it, either,” I admit quietly. “Not one sign.”

“Does that make us bad friends?” he asks, glancing at me. Fresh tears brim his soft blue eyes.

“We can’t think like that, Eej. It’ll kill us.”

His eyes flutter shut, and he nods. “I’d rather it be me than him.”

“Stop,” I say, sitting up straighter. I reach for his face, forcing him to look at me. Now, I’m crying again, because I don’t want him to feel like that. I never want any of us to feel like that, but I understand. I feel the same way. It’s agonizing. “He’s going to be okay. I know it. I need you, too. We all do. Don’t talk like that. I can’t handle it right now.”

He nods against my hand. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I whisper. “We’re going to be okay. All of us.”

Even Wy.

“I have asked ten fucking times,” a booming voice explodes outside of the room. We all stiffen. “ Wyatt Caulfield! Where is he? Give me a room number!”

My stomach swoops, like I’ve just hit a large dip on a dirt road, and I sailed right over it.

EJ sucks in a breath, slowly raising his head from my hand. “Lowesy.”

Seth’s already up and rushing toward the door.

Avery gasps, jolting awake. She clutches her chest, looking around wildly for any sign of dismay.

Seth throws the door open and barges into the hallway, scanning the corridor for the last piece of us to return where he belongs. He might not belong with me, but he belongs with us. That much was never a question .

EJ stands, pulling me to my feet.

Declan is screaming demands, going feral on any innocent nurse or doctor passing by. We can hear every syllable, every word laced with pain. My heart sinks a bit in that all-consuming, agonizing way. The panic in his voice is heartbreaking.

But he’s here. Thank god, he’s finally here.

Despite all that has happened between us, all the pain we’ve caused each other, all of us needed to be in the same room for this. We need to brave this together. For Wyatt.

“Dec!” Seth shouts down the hallway. He raises a hand, shouting his name again. “Dec!”

EJ pulls me tightly to his side, keeps rubbing my arm.

Running footsteps echo through the hallway like shots to my heart. Declan finally reaches Seth, and he slams right into his chest. Seth goes flying backward on impact but manages to throw his arms around him just before they crash into the wall.

They hold each other for a few seconds. Eyes closed tight, faces full of pain.

And I know that love. I know that look. The utter relief when you see your person for the first time since having your heart ripped out. When you finally get to wrap your arms around your life raft, the person that you need to survive this. It’s a twin thing. It’s how I look at Avery and how she looks at me.

Declan’s breathing heavily when he pulls away. He erratically scans the room through that small glass window in the door. Bloodshot eyes. Big, black bags, all puffy underneath. He’s wearing joggers and a tousled T-shirt, a dress coat thrown over top that’s far too lavish to match.

He nods at something Seth says.

I get the feeling that he took the first flight he could have, and that he didn’t stop to change his clothes or pack a bag. But that wouldn’t make sense, would it? It took him nearly two days to get here.

Declan walks into the room, taking inventory of who is here. Who is still in one piece, I think. EJ unwinds his arm from my shoulders and Dec heads straight for him, pulls him into his arms without a word. Those hazel eyes are still wide, still frantic. His hands are trembling when they ball into fists in the fabric of EJ’s sweater.

“What happened?” he whispers, his voice breaking. “Where is he? What the hell happened? ”

“We still don’t know much,” EJ says quietly, patting him on the back. “They won’t let us see him. They got his heart beating again, but he’s in the intensive care unit right now.”

“I don’t think they’ll tell us much more than that until his family gets here,” Seth adds.

“We’re his family,” Declan snaps, wild eyes whirling on Seth. “I’ll pay them off. I don’t care. Point me to where his doctor is.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” Seth says softly.

“A hefty donation will make it work like that,” Declan bites back.

Tiffany and Lauren haven’t moved. They’re huddled together in their seats, watching from a distance until it’s safe. Lauren is hyper-sensitive right now, and all of us understand that. The fact that she’s in a hospital at all is a big deal. Like I need Ave, and Dec needs Seth. Lauren needs Tiff.

My eyes slide to EJ.

EJ needs Wyatt.

Declan notices Avery then, who has silently slid into the space between him and EJ. He swallows, eyes softening at that vacant look on her face. He reaches for her, his hands shaking as he does.

That does it. Avery starts to shake her head instead of speaking. Breaks into big, tormented sobs. She hugs him with vigor, clinging to his waist, and buries her face in his chest.

Declan kisses her head, wrapping her completely in his arms. She vanishes beneath the lapels of his dress coat, her cries turning into wails. Dec’s eyes flutter shut at the pain in that sound.

I wipe my eyes as tears fall down my cheeks.

Declan glances my way, as if he just realized that I was here. Our eyes meet over Avery’s head, and his face falls a bit. I can’t tell if it’s a softer or angrier look. But, when he unravels his arms from my best friend, I think I have my answer.

Dec takes an unsteady step toward me, and I prepare myself to mend this wound. To forgive.

Tears blur my vision, but I can still see his face as clear as day. I see it every time I close my eyes. I’ve missed it in between every blink.

But he doesn’t come to me.

He doesn’t move to mend this.

He chooses not to forgive.

Instead, he does what I usually do. He runs instead of fighting. He decides to keep the wound festering because it’s easier. Especially now. Especially when the world is crumbling to bits around us and the best heart that we know might stop beating at any moment.

Declan changes his mind at the last possible moment, stopping right before where I stand.

I blink, stunned.

He clears his throat, turning to EJ instead. “What happened?”

He’s close enough to hug now. If I wanted to, I could just reach out and wrap myself around him. Beg him to hold me. Plead with him to keep me together in that way only he knows how to. I wonder if he’d push me away. I wonder if he’d hug me back as fiercely as I need him too.

My fury erupts instead.

I storm forward and roughly smack his shoulder . We’re going to keep this going even under these circumstances?

“ Where were you?” I snap.

Avery ducks her head as my rage floods the room. She slides into Seth’s arms, a shield to protect herself from my terror.

Declan holds up his hands but says nothing.

I have a flashback of that night, in the middle of that snowy street. Me, pushing him away, and him raising his hands to remind me that he is unarmed.

He does nothing. He just looks at me, face full of conflicting emotions and unsaid things.

“I called you repeatedly!” I shout, my fists balling by my sides. Tears pour from my eyes, but I make no move to wipe them away. Who fucking cares? “ Where were you?”

Declan’s face crumbles then, breaking in a way I’ve never seen. He looks like a little boy for a moment, like a broken kid who is so out of his element, he doesn’t stand a chance of making it out of this alive.

He drops his hands, shaking his head. “I’m sorry.”

“I needed you,” I admit in a whisper, and that’s the last straw that breaks the foundation of his facade to the ground. Declan’s shoulders fall and he starts to cry. Really cry. “We needed you, Declan. And where were you? Playing hockey?”

“That’s not fair,” Avery says. “That is not fair, Penny. Stop it.”

“I didn’t know,” he says, wiping his face with a swipe of his big palm.

“You should have answered your phone,” I snap.

Stop hurting him. Stop hurting him because he hurt you. Stop hurting him because you’re scared and in pain. You hurt him first. He isn’t at fault for this. He didn’t make Wyatt do anything.

“Should I have?” he says, and he sounds defeated. “Come on, Penny. You played me like a fiddle for a year. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to answer your calls. But if I had known it was about this , I would have answered. Don’t make this about you.”

I scoff, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

He’s right, but I can’t stop. I’m terrified and I’m losing my mind, and he’s the only person in this room who is fit to be my outlet for that right now. He didn’t answer his phone. I needed him to. I’m so unbearably mad at Wyatt, but I can’t be. I can’t be . He needs me. But Declan is here. Declan doesn’t need me, and I can’t stop.

“Then answer Seth, answer Avery, answer anyone! Wyatt is… he’s…”

I can’t finish the sentence. I suck in a gasp, placing a hand to my chest.

He’s not. He’s not.

“That’s not his fault, Penny,” EJ says carefully.

Yeah, I know that, but I need to aim this feeling at somebody before I lose it entirely.

“I’m here for Wyatt,” Declan continues, sniffling. “You’ve fucked with my life enough. You’ve fucked with my head enough. I want to know what is happening with Wyatt and how I can help. That’s all. I don’t think we should speak unless it’s about him.”

That might be the meanest thing he’s ever said to me.

The slice of pain that it causes feels better than the agony I've been feeling for two days. I relish in it.

“That’s enough,” Seth says, his voice is calm, but it holds a warning.

“You chose to cut me out,” Declan says. He shrugs like we’re not in a hospital waiting to find out the fate of our best friend. “I’m out. You couldn’t have expected me to answer your call, Penny. I got here as soon as I could.”

“Yeah, fresh off the ice, right? Can’t forget about the cup,” I mutter, rolling my eyes.

He doesn’t deserve this. I just can’t stop the words before they’re out. I need to get this evil, burning feeling out of me. I’m so angry. I’m scared to death. I need somebody to recognize how badly I’m destructing because I can’t say it out loud. I need to keep everyone together.

Someone see that. Please.

“Oh, fuck off!” he explodes, and I jump. “I love him, too! I am fucking terrified right now. I don’t need your shit on top of this!”

He screams so loud that a nurse passing by pops into the room with wide, worried eyes. We’re face to face, both full-on crying, red cheeked and furious. She does a cursory look over the room, everyone on edge, nobody speaking.

EJ tries to pull Declan back by his collarbone. Away from me.

“Excuse me?” the nurse says, edge in her voice. Declan and I continue to stare at each other, our chests rising and falling with each heavy breath. “Quiet down, please. This is a hospital. Lower your voices or you’ll be asked to leave.”

“We’re sorry, ma’am,” EJ says hurriedly, flashing her a sweet smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s under control.”

She shoots Declan and I a look before she nods, vanishing from the room.

“Both of you sit down,” EJ snaps, glaring between us. He shoves Declan toward the chairs. “Now is not the time or place. Shut up and sit, and don’t even fucking look at each other.”

Declan gives in first, letting out a frustrated breath before he falls into the chair that I was just sitting in. He buries his face in his hands, leaning forward at the waist, and he cries.

EJ shoots me a look of warning.

Message received. I have to stop making this worse. I’m getting off track, and he’s right. It’s not the time or place. There is no need for cheap shots when there is a bigger problem ahead of us. I can’t keep swinging at Dec. If I do, he’ll only stop hitting back when I’m bleeding out in this waiting room.

I sigh, running my hand through my hair. It hurts too much to watch Declan fall apart and not be able to comfort him. I want to put my head on his shoulder. I want to breathe him in and hold him as close as I can. I know I sound crazy. I was just attacking him, aiming for his throat and he was cutting me down at the knees. But even after screaming at each other, I’m so relieved he’s here.

“I’m going to take a walk,” I announce.

Some distance between us will be good.

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” EJ says quietly.

I meet Seth’s eyes and nod toward Declan, begging him to comfort him since I can’t be the one to do it. He needs him. Nobody gets Dec like Seth does.

Seth understands right away. He dips his chin, his hand grazing Avery’s back.

I grab my latte from the chair next to Dec and see myself out of the waiting room. I don’t know how that turned into a fight so quickly, but I know that my heart is still broken, and lashing out did not make me feel any better.

No, I feel worse.

I wasn’t being fair. I need to start being fair to him. I know why he didn’t answer my calls. We all do. I can’t punish him for that when I was the cause of it. I can’t pretend that I’m shocked by it just because I need to scream at someone. He didn’t know. If I had been in my right mind and texted him to tell him what happened, maybe he would have called me back.

I only make it past a few, quiet doorways before a woman in a lab coat is rushing around the big desk in the center of the room, calling my name in a loud whisper.

“Ms. Sweeten!”

I whirl around, my heart instantly picking up pace when I recognize the doctor.

Wyatt’s doctor.

“Yes?”

She smiles gently as she slows. “Any word on Mr. Caulfield’s family?”

“They land in a few hours.”

“Good,” she says with a nod. She tucks her clipboard under her arm. “I have some good news for you.”

My heart stills at once.

Please.

Please.

Whatever god exists out there, whatever power in whichever universe, please tell me that Wyatt is okay. That’s all I want to hear. He’s going to be okay. Forever. Not that it’s touch and go, but looking good. I need to hear that his heart is beating, his eyes are open, and that smile is on his face again.

“You do?” My throat is suddenly very dry. It comes out as barely a whisper.

She nods. “I just had to wait for him to verbalize it, but Mr. Caulfield’s awake. I’ve told him all about how you and your friends have been here every day, waiting for him to wake up. The first thing he asked for was for you guys to visit.”

Relief is a powerful drug. My coffee almost falls from my hand, but this sweet angel of a doctor catches it before it does and places it on the desk beside us.

I reach forward without thinking, latching onto her forearms. I’m desperate for more information, convinced that I’m hallucinating. He’s awake? She said that, right? You heard her, too? My brain is short circuiting. I can’t formulate a thought that makes any sense. All I know is my heart is aching and it’s finally in a good way, a hopeful way.

Wyatt .

The doctor is a patient woman. She just places her hand on my elbow, keeping me upright.

“Keep in mind, he’s a little bit out of it. He’s been through a lot, but if you have any questions, I’ll be by in a little bit to check on him. Keep his spirits up, if you can. He’s in room 302 and he’s expecting you.”

I dig my fingers into her skin without thinking. Mostly, it’s to keep myself standing because it feels like the floor just fell from underneath my feet. Relief explodes through my body. He’s okay. Wyatt is okay.

The lovely doctor gently pulls me toward her. She hugs me. This doctor holds me as I absorb the news and start to cry in her arms.

“Thank you so much,” I whisper. He’s alive. He’s breathing, and he can talk, and he told her that he wants to see us. “Oh my god, I think I’m going to pass out.”

She gently pats my back. “Should I grab a chair? I can get you some water.”

She means it. She’d sit here with me until I calmed down, but no. No, I have somewhere to be. Somewhere important.

“No. I’m okay. Thank you so much, Dr. Roberts.”

“You’re very welcome. He needs to feel the love from you guys right now, alright? The rest of it doesn’t matter at the moment.”

Nothing matters but seeing him and telling him I love him. That’s all I care about. I was so scared that I wasn’t going to be able to say that to him again .

“Yeah,” I say frantically, wiping my face. I pull away, letting her go despite feeling like I need to hug her four hundred more times. “We can go and see him? Right now?”

“Right now.”

“Thank you,” I say again, my voice breaking. “302?”

She smiles, dipping her chin. “302.”

I practically sprint right back to the waiting room. I forget about my coffee. I forget about the fight. I forget about everything besides the words the doctor just said and the fact that Wyatt used his voice to tell her that he needs us. I almost slide right past the doorway, but I quickly right myself, and I burst into the waiting room, gasping for breath.

I crash right into Declan, who must have been just about to leave the room.

He stops me by placing his hands on my shoulders, preventing me from slamming into him at full speed. It takes one second for him to realize that I’m hyperventilating and then his grip tightens on my skin.

Sensing my panic, everyone is up and out of their seats. They push in, hovering around me, frantically studying my face to try and determine the news before I say it.

It’s a nervous energy, the kind you hold your breath for. It’s that pause before the world goes to hell. But it’s not. Not this time. They need to know it’s not. I need to tell them.

I can’t speak. I’m shaking my head, the blood leaving my face the longer I fight to suck in a full breath. Get it together, Penny. You have to tell them it’s okay. You have to tell them he’s okay.

I cling to Declan’s forearms, eyes wide as I look around the room at each of them.

“Penny, what happened?” Seth asks urgently, pushing forward .

I shake my head again. Oh god, I’m going to pass out. I’m really and truly going to pass out this time.

“Penny!” EJ says, voice desperate.

I open my mouth, and nothing comes out but a sob.

Warm hands cup my face. Rough, but comforting and familiar. Declan ducks his head to force my gaze back to him. Calm and patient. He brushes his thumbs against my cheek.

I blink, focusing on him.

He grounds me with just one look.

“Breathe, Lucky,” he whispers, and mimics taking a breath. I copy him, nodding. “That’s it. Just like that. Again.”

I do it again, the tears still flowing uncontrollably.

“Good. What happened?” he asks, searching my eyes. “You’re scaring us.”

EJ looks like he’s going to break down. He’s white as a ghost, hovering over Declan’s shoulder, eyes full of panic.

I choke out a breath, still staring directly into Declan’s eyes.

I can do this.

Breathe in through the nose, and out through the mouth.

Dec takes another deep breath and I mimic it.

I can do this.

“He’s awake.”