Wasted Time (The Steel City #1)

59. Penny

CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE

penny

“Penny, talk to me.”

I sniffle again, managing to catch my breath. Running my sleeves over my face to free myself of tears, I finally bring myself to meet her eyes through the screen.

I really have to find a way to close up this dam of emotion that I somehow broke open.

“Hi,” she says, forcing a smile.

“Hey, when did you get here?” I ask in a shaky voice, reaching for my mug.

A bark of laughter explodes from her. “Don’t deflect. You said it went well. What’s going on?”

“I love him,” I whisper, taking a sip of my lukewarm latte.

Her brow furrows. “Okay. Does he love you?”

“He says he does.”

She stares at me. “So, the answer is yes. He does. Believe people when they tell you things.”

I want to, but it’s hard. Everything is so hard. I don’t remember it being this difficult to fall in love with Gavin. I fell headfirst, without pause, and with no barriers around my heart. Everything else with Gavin was painful and empty, but the falling was so simple.

Yesterday morning I woke up and believed every word Declan said to me. Today, doubt clouds my mind like a warning.

“I don’t know if I know how to be loved.”

“Oh, Pen,” Avery whispers, and she leans forward, like she can touch me if she just reaches out a hand. “There is no right or wrong way. What you had before wasn’t love. Not like this. It won’t end the same way just because you open yourself up again.”

But what if it does? What if I have to endure losing somebody who I know I’ll love deeper than anyone I’ve ever known? We haven’t determined what this is yet. Are we dating? Are we exploring this? Either way, I’m terrified of reaching the ending.

“I’m scared of treating him horribly because my brain gets in the way.”

“You won’t,” she assures me. “If you feel like something he does or says is triggering that fear or that panic, you voice it. Tell him. Does he know why you’re upset, or did you shut down?”

Like I usually do. Build a fortress, let nobody in. People can’t hurt you if they don’t know your weaknesses.

“He knows.” I sniffle, taking a sip of my coffee.

“I’m proud of you. That must have been hard to talk about.”

“I was okay, but I’m feeling so many things at once that it’s starting to kick me off balance. It’s starting to feel real. We’re talking about where we’ll both live, about the future. I don’t know why, but it makes me so anxious, Ave.”

“Because Gavin love bombed you,” she clarifies, and I wince. “I just want you to hear it clearly. This reaction is an exact response to the way Gavin continually let you down. You need to acknowledge that so you can observe this logically.”

The cycle scarred me. She’s right. Fighting, silence, the cold shoulder, and when it finally got to be too much, promises, kisses, and sweet talking. The good was never good because I’d always be bracing for the bad. Right now, things with Declan feel like a relief, like I’m finally getting everything I’ve always wanted.

My brain is preparing for the downfall.

“Something bad isn’t going to happen just because I’m happy,” I vocalize.

I’m trying to convince myself more than her.

Avery nods, sipping her own coffee. “Nothing bad is going to happen just because you’re happy.”

“I deserve to be happy.”

“You deserve to be happy. More than anyone. You deserve to be loved.”

I shut my eyes, tears burning. “I wish you were here.”

She lets out a breathy laugh that forces my eyes open. “No, you don’t. He’s got you now. You’re in safe hands. Enjoy this, Penny. Figure it out. Take your time. Home will be here. I will be here. Even when you come home, Declan will still be there. You guys are going to figure it out, and the rest of it will fall into place.”

“What if I eventually move to Pittsburgh?” I ask, wiping my nose with my sleeve.

She rolls her eyes, waving me off. “We lived apart for four years. We’ll survive it. I won’t love it, but I’ll understand. And I’ll visit. You’ll visit too, and you know what the best part about this is?”

I take a sip of coffee and meet her eyes. “What?”

Her smile is warm, a touch of emotion in her eyes. “He’ll always come home with you.”