Water’s Edge (A Series of Sharp Edges #1)

13. Mattie

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

mattie

I bury my toes in the mud along the water’s edge. This is my first time back at Devil’s Pool since my encounter with my stranger from the bar. Little pieces of that night have drifted into my mind since then, but I’m still missing the most important ones. I can’t remember his fucking name. I need to give him one already, even if it’s not his own, because I can’t keep calling him ‘my stranger.’ None of the names that drift through my mind fit him, though. Every name seems too dull, too normal. My stranger is anything but normal. Hell, apparently, he’s not even human.

I shake my head and stare out into the dark water. It sounds ridiculous even thinking about it. Everything he told me that night leaves me on the brink of sanity trying to comprehend it. Could it even be true? Ma believed in magic, but the little she taught me didn’t cover ethereal entities. I rub my temples and try to remember what happened after he told me what he was, but it’s all black. My head falls to my knees, and I let out a soft groan. Maybe humans aren’t meant to understand magic? We barely have the capacity to accept ourselves.

He left me days ago, and it’s like time has slowed. The sand in the hourglass is now falling one grain at a time. Each day feels exactly like the one before, time falling in on itself and repeating. I’m exhausted, but every time I close my eyes, my nightmares are there waiting for me. A constant feeling of dread, like I’m missing something, haunts me.

I roll the vial around my neck between my fingers. My mind catches on the gentle swirls of the liquid. The shadowy substance follows my fingers around the glass. A light flickers inside it, but it’s dimmer than when I found it. I don’t know why I wear it, but it fills an indescribable void in my chest when I do. Being with my stranger was the only time I felt comfortable in my skin. I could sense the darkness in him calling to me, drawing me in until I was trapped in his orbit. His presence felt like he was breathing his essence into mine, giving it life. Before him, I’d let myself become a ghost.

I spent most of the first two days staring out the front window, hoping I’d catch a glimpse of him, hoping for something, anything, that gave me a sign he was still around. I just wanted to cling to a sliver of hope this all wasn’t a fever dream. Each movement out in the trees had my heart racing, silently pleading for him to step out of the woods. Desperation scratches below my skin even now when I think about him.

Everything about him haunts me. My mind plays tricks on me, making me see little signs he’s still around, watching me when I’m not looking. Objects outside move around in the night. Wildflowers I know I didn’t pick appear in the house. Maybe it’s alack of sleep, or maybe I’m just losing my mind. It wouldn’t surprise me, especially after what happened to Ma and Pa. I know there’s a darkness like Pa’s lurking inside me too. I can see it in my reflection, hovering around like a fog I can’t escape.

Pa infected everyone around him. His vileness seemed to leach out of him like a slow-acting poison into me and Ma. Until one day, Ma gave up, and I found her lying there in their bed. She looked so peaceful at first, her eyes closed and her lips softly curved into a smile. I didn’t even notice she wasn’t breathing until I saw the pool of blood slowly growing on the sheets beneath her. After that, my memory goes dark until I wake up down by the lake. The water gently laps at my body as I lie in the dirt, covered in blood. I knew then that I’d always be trapped in Hellsmouth, carrying my family’s burdens as well as my own. My pa was right—we all get what we deserve.

I try to remember a time when I still had big dreams for myself, but a tingling pain grows in my head. When I try to recall memories from my childhood, so much of it is blank. Everything is just short bursts of recollection in between voids of nothing. I grasp at the memories, but they’re like dust in the wind. It doesn’t matter. I’m not that girl anymore. I’m a monster.

My folks said they were protecting me, and maybe Ma was, but it feels more like Pa was protecting himself. I know I’ve never gone to public school. There were no sleepovers with friends. The only other people I ever saw were Pa’s friends, and I shudder at the thought. I had none of the normal milestones I wish I hadn’t missed out on, ones I’d seen other children experience on the small, rabbit-ear TV once I finally had the house to myself. I had to learn the rules of the world outside our cabin too late in life then struggle to survive this world with the rage gradually rising inside me. I’m an outcast.

At least now, I have a decent mask to put on. I painstakingly taught myself how to socialize and not make people uncomfortable. Wiley and Tally helped, though I’m not sure why, other than pity. I showed up at the roadhouse one day, desperate for a sense of normalcy and human connection. Wiley had looked at me with his sad, knowing eyes. He’d wordlessly handed me a bar towel and hoisted his thumb behind him towards the bar. Tally had come months later and made it her sole mission to befriend me. I can never give her honest answers to any of her questions, but I have to admit, I enjoy her company. She’s so full of life and energy, without shame or judgment. I want to be someone for them, but at the end of the day, I’m still me.

Once I got used to the roadhouse, strangers coming and going, I started bringing home the most inexperienced guys at the bar. I looked for ones who were desperate like me, begging to be touched by anyone. I wanted to be the story they told when their friends asked them about their craziest lay. I liked to try on their lives, put on their skin as my own to test the waters. How would it feel if I was just another girl? A girl capable of feeling something other than rage?

The real me always comes out, though—all blood and steel. Most girls have soft curves, and I’m all sharp edges. I can be in the throes of ecstasy, shaking with pleasure, and still be ready to tear both of our hearts out. My stranger gave me hope that desire could be more than just a speck in the constant spiral of rage and madness. He gave me hope that all my impulses could coexist. Hope that someone could love my darkness and they won’t wind up dead in the morning. Then, he fucking left and snatched it away.

I let out a long breath and stare across Devil’s Pool. My fingers twitch as I think about dragging someone into the boat and rowing us out to the middle of the water. I close my eyes, and my ears fill with the splash of another body hitting the lake’s surface, ripples spreading out further than I can see. Blood slowly blooms out into the water, clouding it with my sins. I open my eyes and push the image away.

The orange haze of the sun fills the sky. It’s almost time to put my mask back on and head in for my shift. Tally has been kind enough to work a few shifts alone, but it’s Friday night, and I know we’ll be much busier than normal. I stand and pause, hoping to hear something that lets me know I’m not alone. My laugh echoes across the lake. It’s ironic, because I’m normally paranoid I might not be alone out here.

I take one last glance at myself in the water. My emerald eyes stare back at me, but there’s something else there too. I kneel and peer into the water, but my reflection is no longer clear. The form in the water is hazy and dark, a blurry reciprocal image of me, but only my eyes are in focus. I blink, but my watery twin doesn’t. I blink again. Nothing. Fuck, I need to sleep. When was the last time I slept? Or ate? That has to be it. I grab a rock from the shore and toss it into the water, dissolving the image. The sinking feeling in my stomach doesn’t dissipate, though.

Eager to get out of the woods before the sun sets, I begin the walk back to my cabin. The vial around my neck heats against my chest, and I quicken my steps. The shadows inside swirl wildly. I must be imagining it, but as I clasp the small charm, it warms my hand too. I stare straight ahead for the rest of the walk and ignore the shadows creeping into the corners of my eyes.