We Never Kissed

Chapter 15

Ava

Two years ago

The midday sun shined down on the mahogany casket as friends and family lined up to place a single rose on top of its hard surface. Alex was the last one to say a final goodbye to his father, a man some called a callous businessman but few realized he was just as callous as a father. Most had simply respected the man for the decisions he had to make for his son, even if he did abuse his power. In the end, he was only trying to protect his boy from a mother who couldn’t even take care of herself. Sadly, it was like Alex had lost two parents on that fateful day because his dad turned cold and distant. Alex had wanted more than anything to have the man present in his life. When he turned eighteen, the distance between them only grew. Now it was too late.

After the final prayer was said, I kept my eyes trained on Alex. He’d yet to show any emotion, and his stoic demeanor concerned me. The others might not have sensed it, but whenever his eyes shot to me, I saw all the pain and loneliness he kept at bay.

When the mourners began to disperse, Sammy and I hung back to wait for Alex and make sure he was all right. Most everyone made their way to the Bannister house for the repast, which my parents took the lead on. They’d been amazing through all this and loved Alex so much.

When Sammy said he’d drive Alex back, Mark came up to me and asked if I was ready. “Can you get the car and pull up?” I asked, eyeing the woman I’d seen earlier, hiding in the shadows. I wasn’t totally certain if it was her, but since she was still lurking around, I had to know. We moved toward each other, and in an instant, I knew not only that it was Alex’s mom but that she’d wanted to speak with me. I had seen photos of her and heard the stories about her addiction and what she had done when Alex was just a boy, so I was a little guarded when we finally reached each other.

“You’re Ava.” She was probably close to five-nine, dirty-blond hair, her face weathered but features pleasant, as if she’d been a stunner at one point, but her lifestyle tainted her looks. She darted her eyes around, and I figured she was making sure Alex didn’t see her. She’d been absent from his life, partially because of Alex’s father—or so I assumed. I didn’t know all the details, only that Alex’s dad never wanted her to have contact.

“I am. Hi, Maggie.” I gave her a small grin, thinking just maybe I could do something to help make this tragedy less painful for Alex.

“You live in Las Vegas, right?”

“I do.”

“I, uh, saw you.”

“What?” Suddenly, I felt uncomfortable with this stranger, and I wasn’t sure how she knew where I lived or why she was asking. I darted my eyes around to see if anyone was close by.

“I’m sorry, it’s not what you think.” She shook her head. “I know all about you and Sammy, your parents…I appreciate you all so much and how you’ve cared for my boy over the years.”

I could hear the pain in her voice when she used the words my boy . I couldn’t fault her for wanting to know something about his life. “We all love him.”

“I know…” She nodded. “I’ve seen some pictures…on social media.” Then she rushed to say, “Just to see parts of his life, you know. Anyway, I moved to Vegas about a year ago and saw the pictures of you in that show, so I went.” She smiled but it was sad. “You were amazing, by the way.”

I felt weird saying it, but I thanked her.

“Anyway, I was hoping maybe we could get together some time…talk.” She clutched her purse as it hung off her shoulder, as if this were incredibly important.

“I don’t know…” Alex didn’t even want us to bring up her name. How would he feel about this? I couldn’t imagine how much she was suffering, but I had to think of Alex.

“I know what you must think of me…”

She held my gaze and I had to respect that. “I don’t even know you.” It was the truth and an easy way to avoid the obvious.

“I did some terrible things, and I know Alex hates me, but…” Her gaze darted around, this time not to watch for anyone seeing her, but to avoid me seeing her eyes fill with liquid. “I don’t even know why I’m here.”

“You love your son,” I said softly.

Pulling a tissue from her purse, she said, “I do. I always have. I never meant to hurt him…” As she dabbed at her eyes, her hand trembled.

I sighed. “Look, I’m not sure this would be okay with Alex, me talking to you. He doesn’t talk about you… I don’t know all the details of why you couldn’t be in his life when he was younger, but what about when he be came an adult? Why didn’t you try to be a part of his life then?”

She shook her head, dabbed her eyes again. “It’s not an easy answer. And one that would take more time than you have. That’s why I wondered if…” Almost as if she’d decided the answer would be no, she steeled herself, stuffed her tissue into the side pocket of her purse. “Never mind. Thank you for taking a moment.”

She turned to leave, and I called her name. When she looked back at me, I said, “I volunteer at the Caring Hands food pantry Wednesday mornings.”

She showed me a slim smile, gave a nod, and walked off.

When Mark and I arrived at Alex’s dad’s house, guilt sat in my stomach. Obviously, I wasn’t going to mention talking to his mother today, but at some point he needed to know. Inside, the house was crowded, mostly people Mark had never met, so when he saw my dad out back drinking a beer, he asked, “Hey, mind if I go talk to your dad?”

Wanting to find Alex, I said, “Yeah, I’ll meet you out there. Just going to say hi to a few people.” More guilt. Mark didn’t know how close Alex and I were, and I could never explain our relationship, especially since I didn’t understand it myself.

I moved through the different groups of friends and family, my eyes scanning only for him. My chest tightened, and I felt a sting at the back of my eyes. It was almost as if Alex’s pain had permeated my own being. He’d always been a part of our family, but losing his dad, knowing he had no relationship with his mother, must have made him feel so alone in this world.

About to check the kitchen, I caught sight of Alex heading upstairs, and I followed him. He hadn’t made it as far as his old bedroom. Instead, he was standing in the hallway, looking at some pictures hanging on the wall.

“How are you holding up?” It was all I could think to say, but it sounded lame to my own ears. I put my hand on his back and felt him tense.

Alex was quiet for long moments, then said, “I think this was the only time he was proud of me.” He gestured with his head to a baseball team photo.

“Was that CIF championship?” I grinned, seeing a young Alex so happy in the moment.

He nodded.

“I think you’re wrong. Maybe your father wasn’t the most demonstrative person, but he loved you, and he was proud of you.” My words felt useless because the truth was, Alex needed his father’s love. He needed it to make up for not having his mother. It wasn’t the time to point out the fact that my parents had done all they could to make up for that.

When he only shook his head, I took a chance and moved in between him and the photos. “What can I do, Alex?”

“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. You can go back to Mark now.”

Ignoring his words and his cold tone, I said, “I’m not leaving you.”

His jaw clenched as he finally looked me in the eye. “Ava… Don’t, okay?” His breathing grew heavy, but I didn’t back down. “I don’t want to do this. I—can’t. This is part of life, and I’ll get through it.”

His last words, delivered so robotically, broke my heart, but I still didn’t budge. If there was anyone in his life that made him vulnerable, I knew it was me. He put up even more of a front with Sammy. “I’m here,” I whispered, fighting back my own tears.

Alex grabbed me by my arms in a firm grip, his face twisted in anger and pain, and I hoped I wasn’t making a mistake, forcing him to address these feelings. “Dammit, Ava…” Then he pulled me into his arms, tucked his head into the crook of my neck, and sobbed as I held him tightly.