When I Was Theirs

18. Emmy

18

Emmy

I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror, sucking air into my cheeks until I look like a chipmunk before I let it out.

“He’s seen it all before,” I mutter to my own reflection. “Stop freaking out.”

I apply the tiniest touch of lip gloss to my make-up before I add it to my bag and do the zip up, ready to go into my suitcase.

It’s our last night here.

It’s Ben’s last night here.

Tomorrow, we’re going to his apartment. To his bed, facing the ocean. To a tighter schedule of carers, and nurses, and increased medication.

Swallowing, I tip my head back and stare at the ceiling until the shimmering in my eyes disappears.

We’re not there yet.

Although maybe we’re getting closer.

But tonight is for us. Just for us.

Emmy and Ben. Before everything else crashes in.

My hands tremble as I smooth down the silk covering my body. Barely. Turning, I check myself one more time over my shoulder, my eyes lingering on the vivid red scars trailing down the back of my upper arm.

“Em?” Ben calls out from the bedroom. He sounds a little nervous – but then again, the last time I told him I had a surprise in the bathroom it was a new vitamin supplement that he told me tasted like gone-off egg. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I call back. Tucking my hair behind my ear, I move slowly to the doorway.

So much for a sexy shimmy. This is more of an awkward shuffle.

I keep my eyes on the floor as I step into view. “I… I thought you might like it?”

Silence.

“Ben,” I whisper, still staring at the floor. Heat creeps over my cheeks. “Say something.”

Feeling a little exposed right now.

This was a bad idea, Em.

He’s tired.

Just turn around.

I spin, but warm fingers grasp my wrist, gently tugging me back around. I raise my eyes to Ben’s face, his fingers nudging my face up as my teeth sink into my lower lip.

“There you are,” he whispers, scanning my face.

His fingers trace my skin. My scars, traveling down.

Twin spots of color sit high on his cheeks as his gaze drops, taking in the dark blue silk with the little straps. The lace trim that sits just above my nipples. And his pupils dilate as he sucks in a breath. “Jesus, Emmy. You trying to kill me sooner?”

“That’s not funny,” I breathe.

He shakes his head. “Who’s joking?”

His lips are on mine before I can say anything else. Ben presses me against the doorway, a groan sounding in his throat as I push myself against him. The heat of his bare chest soaks into me, my legs parting.

“Em.” He pulls away, his forehead on mine. His eyes are scrunched closed. “I… I don’t know if I can, baby. I want to – God, do I fucking want to, but…,”

I slip my hand into his. “I know. It doesn’t matter, Ben. I just want you. Whatever that looks like.”

The small lamp beside my bed sends our shadows bouncing across the walls as I slide out from beneath his body and back up to the bed. Holding his gaze, I settle myself down, shifting back. “Touch me?”

Ben follows me down, swallowing as his weight settles on top of me, warm and welcome as I spread my legs out and he settles between them.

“Don’t think,” I murmur against his lips. “Whatever you want.”

He inhales, the air rasping as he brushes his hand over my stiffening nipple. Once. Twice. Feeling it peak beneath his thumb. “You’re so beautiful.”

So is he. His skin is golden in the muted light of my lamp, golden and glorious as he looks down at me with those brown eyes that I could drown in. His hair, a little longer than when we first met, hangs loose over his face, and I push it back to see him better as he drops his mouth to my breast and seals his lips over my nipple, sucking through the silky fabric of my nightgown.

I bow beneath his hands, my spine twisting as he moves down my body. His lips press against the silk, against my stomach, my hip bone… lower.

Heat fills my veins, as his hands find my skin beneath the fabric and rub in gentle circles. I watch as Ben slides his hands up, pushing the silk until it pools over my breasts and beneath my neck.

His inhaled breath makes me feel exactly what he says.

Perfect.

He stays where he is for a long minute, drinking me in before our eyes meet. “I love you.”

My heart clenches. “Then love me.”

I reach for his hand, drawing it up and closing it over my breast.

Ben groans deep in his throat, squeezing and kneading the skin before he lowers himself again. His fingers move lower as our mouths move together, my lips opening on a gasp that he swallows as his finger sinks inside me.

A second finger. A third, until I’m twisting restlessly beneath him, my teeth sinking into my lip to stop me from begging for more. “Ben – I – ah !”

My back arches as he yanks his fingers out, my core clenching around nothing. But he’s wrestling with his sweatpants, yanking them down and kicking them off before he comes back to me, a condom in his hand.

Our eyes meet, both of us sucking in a breath as he pushes inside and my body welcomes him. Ben presses his forehead to mine, his hands curling over my wrists as he presses me down into the cotton bedding and thrusts in a gentle rocking movement.

When I can’t look at him anymore, I bury my face into his neck instead.

“Stay with me.” His voice is muffled as his lips meet my cheek, shaking. “Don’t leave me, Em.”

I know what he means. I swallow back the thick lump in my throat as I focus on him, on the way he moves inside me with so much care that it makes my body tremble.

Still here. Still with me.

Ben moves as if we have a whole lifetime together. Slow, and reverent, his thrusts unhurried even as heat curls in my abdomen, clenching need as I wrap my legs around his waist and he nudges me closer to the peak.

I don’t want it to end. My eyes squeeze closed, my neck tilting back as our breathing becomes harsher.

Ben’s weight becomes heavier, his movements slower. “Em.”

It’s a groan. An apology. I nudge him with my hips, pushing him over onto his back until I can sink down on top of him. Ben’s eyes are lidded and hazy, his hands gripping my hips as I move over him, rocking.

“Baby.” He grunts. His hands tightening. “I can’t – I’m going to—,”

Emotion grips my throat in a choking hold as I watch him lose control. Warmth spills into me, Ben pulling my hips down and thrusting up.

He’s breathing heavily as his head thuds back against the pillow. But I’m not breathing at all.

“Em, that was...,”

His voice trails off. He’s watching me now, the haze vanishing from his eyes and leaving only understanding behind.

I don’t know what he sees in my expression. I bite the side of my cheek hard, shaking my head. “I’m okay.”

Don’t ruin it.

Don’t—

He reaches for my cheek and runs his thumb across it, lifting it to show me the tear. And his voice is quiet. “No, you’re not.”

My face crumples, and then he’s sitting up. He’s still inside me as he wraps one arm around my back, the other around my neck, and draws me to him. “Come here.”

Another tear.

More.

Until I’m sobbing silently into his neck, my whole body shaking as he holds me tightly. “It’s going to be okay.”

No, it’s not.

Nothing will ever be okay again.

“I’m… I’m sorry.” The words are halting and broken as I speak them into his skin. “I didn’t mean to ruin things.”

He exhales, air brushing against my ear, “You didn’t ruin anything. You need to let this out. God knows I’m leaning on you enough. You can lean on me too.”

I bite back the refusal as he holds me tightly. Both of us are trembling now, faced with the reality of what’s coming. My fingers curl into the hair at the nape of his neck. “Are you… are you scared?”

His breathing sounds wet. I don’t move my face to look, each of us hiding in the other.

“No,” he says finally. “I mean… I was. Maybe I still am. But mostly… I’m so tired, Em. And the more tired I get, the less scared I feel. If I’m scared, it’s of what I’m leaving behind. Not what I have ahead of me.”

He runs his hand down my back. “I’m going to call Jared tomorrow.”

I pull my face back at that, wanting to see his expression. Drops of water cling to his eyelashes. “You are?”

He nods, glancing away. The shadows catch in the hollows of his face, gaunter now. “It’s time. Probably past time, truthfully.”

He looks exhausted, and the guilt hits me again, even as it entwines with a sudden burst of nerves at the thought of meeting Ben’s brother. “We should sleep.”

I try to climb off him, but his hold tightens. “Not yet. Tomorrow will get here sooner if I close my eyes.”

“Okay,” I whisper. I lean back, running my hands through his hair. “How about a shower?”

He almost smiles. “You trying to get me naked, Emmy Marsters?”

I lean back slightly, giving an obvious look down his body. “I think I already did that.”

“You did,” he murmurs. “And very well. But I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain. I still owe you one toe-curling orgasm.”

“I don’t care about that—.”

“I do.” He swallows. “In fact, I think I should build up a bank of credit while I still can. This little nightgown hasn’t had nearly enough appreciation. An error I intend to rectify immediately.”

His fingers skate up my side, and I scoot backwards with a breathless laugh that turns into a shriek as he lunges forward, following me.

That turns into a moan as we both pretend to forget what’s waiting for us.

Just for tonight.