When I Was Theirs

54. Ben

54

Ben

Jared,

It’s the middle of the night, and I’m too wired to sleep. I keep thinking about the conversations we had before I left. All the things we didn’t say. And there are some things that I need to say.

I want to tell you that I’m sorry for leaving. But I think it would be a lie. Because I’m not sorry, Jar. I don’t want you to watch these last few weeks and months. This thing inside my brain was going to consume you too.

I’m sorry for leaving like that. But I had to go.

I can accept my own death. I’m almost ready for it now. I’m so tired. Every day becomes that little bit harder. I’m losing control of my own mind, and I hate it.

But this was killing you. Watching me die was killing you, Jar, and that’s one thing I can’t accept.

You can’t protect me from this.

But I promise you that I’m going to take it easy, as much as I can. I’ve been on the move since I left, but I’ve found a town that looks like a postcard, and I think I’m going to stay. My apartment overlooks the ocean.

It’s not a bad view. Better than a hospital wall.

I stopped off in Yakima on the way here. I thought I might be able to visit Mom’s grave – you know, do the sad thing where you wrap up all your loose ends.

You know what I’m going to say.

She’s doing pretty well. She’s married, and she seems happy. Not so much when she answered the door, but we worked around it. She works as an office clerk, and her husband is an electrical engineer.

No kids.

She cried when I sat at her kitchen table, and she said she was sorry we never had a family.

You know what I told her?

I told her that I had a family I wouldn’t swap for a dozen mothers. A family that fought for me and kept me safe.

You’re all the family I ever needed, Jared.

You never gave up on me. You kept us together. You kept me together.

You gave me a home, and dinner on the table every night, and someone to yell at me when I stayed out too late, when I hadn’t done my homework or left my dishes in the sink.

I never felt unwanted or abandoned. Because I had a mom, a dad, and a brother, all in one annoying package. I wish you’d told me. I hate thinking of you walking around carrying that, when you were carrying so much already. I would have been okay without mom, because I had you.

I wouldn’t have chosen anything different.

I’m trying not to think about regrets, but if I have any, it’s that taking care of me has taken up so much of your own life. I’m scared of what’s going to happen when I’m gone. You’ve made your whole life about me, and I love you for it.

But you have so much life left to live.

I need you to be happy.

Which brings me to the reason for this letter.

I’ve met a girl.

Her name is Emilia. Emmy. And she is… she’s perfect. She looks fragile, but she has so much strength inside her that I wonder how she fits it all in.

I don’t think she sees it. But I do.

If I wasn’t dying, I’d marry her tomorrow.

But I am. Our time is limited, and we both know it.

I’ve picked my final place, and it’s here, with her.

I’ll see you again. I’m not planning to go wherever I have to go next without seeing you. But not yet. I’m going to be selfish, and steal every hour and moment that I can with Emmy. I want to love her as much as I can, before I have to leave her.

Especially because I think you’re going to fall in love with my girl.

I know you. I know all of your quirks, and the things that irritate you. I know that when you love someone, you give them everything you have and keep nothing left for yourself.

And I know you’re going to look at Emmy Marsters, and you’ll understand why she was the one thing that could make me stop running.

And I’m okay with that.

Because she’s going to need you. And you’re going to need her. I’ve never seen two people who could be more perfect for each other, so I’m hoping for a little divine intervention. They owe me a favor.

I get to love Emmy Marsters for a little while. All the little moments.

But if I’m right, you’ll get to love her for the rest of your lives, and the thought of that brings me more comfort than I can express in words.

I’ll be seeing you soon, brother. Maybe we’ll talk about it then. Maybe we’ll have time.

And if we don’t, I want you to know that of all the brothers in all the world, I would have always picked you. Every single time.

Take care of our girl.

Benny

PS. If you don’t call your first child Ben, I will haunt you forever.