When I Was Theirs

66. Emmy

66

Emmy

T he small, twinkling lights of my umbrella send our shadows bouncing over the rocky ground. Jared holds it over our heads, our hands still wrapped together.

“I haven’t been here since that day, you know.” I glance around at the graves. Jared holds my hand tightly, but it’s hard not to feel a slight nervousness as we walk through the empty cemetery.

His fingers tighten in silent reassurance. “I’ve been a few times. Not lately, though.”

Not since he’s been with me.

Guilt curls around my ribs as we approach Ben’s grave. There’s no headstone yet, but a cross shows his name, etched in an elegant calligraphic script.

The umbrella I buried in the ground still glows lightly in the darkness. Jared settles my new one down beside it, twisting it until the low light covers us before moving to my side.

He clears his throat. “I opened my letter, you know.”

He’s looking at the remains of the flowers I put together. The story of Emmy and Ben. “The night you were attacked. I found it in my pocket in the hospital, and I – I needed to hear his voice. So I opened it.”

My lips part, my thoughts jumping to my own letter. Still unopened.

“He wanted us to be happy, Em.” Jared shakes his head. “It’s all he wanted.”

Blinking away moisture, I sniff. “That sounds like Ben.”

“I’m not explaining this well,” Jared says roughly. He clears his throat. “He thought… he had this idea, that you and I might end up together. And he gave me, us , his blessing.”

Oh.

His words linger in the air around us. They settle around my shoulders, like an embrace.

I want to be the guy you met on the way to your happy ever after.

Oh, Ben.

And something in my stomach leaps as I turn to search his expression. “And you? What do you think?”

It feels as if time slows down. As if every interaction Jared and I have ever had flickers through my mind like a home movie, speeding up until they all mix together and my chest feels warm.

I’m holding my breath. His hair is wild again, rumpled from the breeze as the corner of his lips tilt up. His eyes are bright, the amber ring glimmering in the small amount of light we have.

I don’t see Ben’s eyes anymore when I look at him.

I only see Jared.

He looks down at me, and I look up at him.

“I think,” he says finally. “That you should have been mine. I think that every single broken piece of me was built to love every part of you, Emmy Marsters.”

“Jared—,”

His thumb brushes against my lips. “But… you met him first, Em. You loved him first.”

His words steal the air from my lungs as I start shaking my head.

“We both know that’s true, Em. And I can’t take away the only thing that made him want to stay,” he whispers. “Not yet. I don’t deserve you, Emmy Marsters. I never have. And I can’t stand the idea of stepping into my brother’s shoes only to give you less than he would have. Not when you deserve everything .”

That’s not right. My hand grabs at my chest as if I can stop my heart from squeezing. “You’re scared, and I get it. But he was right, Jared. Ben was right, about all of it.”

He knew that he wasn’t my happy ever after. Not in this life. Not when we had so little time.

I know that I loved Ben Bennett. I gave him every piece of me that I had to give, and he treasured them.

But Jared – Jared is the one who keeps giving me back the pieces of myself. Building me up and carefully filling all the little cracks caused by the people who should never have put them there.

In another life, Ben Bennett and Emmy Marsters lived happily ever after.

But not in this life.

“I love you,” I breathe. “I do, Jared. And Ben – I don’t know how he knew, but he knew this would happen, and he was right . This is our time. Our chance. It’s right there.”

I don’t even know how it happened. How I went from tolerating Jared for Ben’s sake to him being the person I look for in every room.

Except maybe I do.

All the little moments.

Love is not supposed to be a grand finale. It’s not the fairytale wedding, expensive gifts, and fireworks that light up the sky. I had all of that once, and it meant nothing.

It’s filling up my fridge when it’s empty.

Putting glow in the dark stars on my ceiling.

Carefully folding up my washing and putting it away.

Eating my cooking, even when it’s ridiculously over-seasoned.

Fixing an ugly, broken doll and making her hold a sign to welcome me home.

Picking proteas instead of roses.

Standing in front of my father and calling him out.

Mopping filthy floors so I wouldn’t have to face them.

And it’s reaching for him in my sleep - feeling his heartbeat, strong and steady and solid.

It’s Jared . All of it.

Jared closes his eyes. “Listen to me—,”

I grab his face between mine, forcing him to look at me. “Do you love me?”

“Emmy.” He wipes at my face, his voice shaking. “God, please don’t cry. I need you to listen.”

I am crying. And I don’t care if I sound desperate, or needy. Because I can feel something precious slipping through our fingers. Slipping through my fingers, again .

It doesn’t have to be like this. Not again. Not this time.

Another Bennett boy, standing in front of me and ripping my heart into shreds. And I don’t think I’ll recover from this one. “Do you love me, Jared Bennett?”

His eyes are shining. “All I have for you is love, Em. Every bit of me. But it’s not enough .”

“I don’t understand.” I’m still holding onto him. “What are you talking about?”

He pulls away from me. Backs away.

“Please,” he says hoarsely. “ Listen to me, Emmy. I’m – I don’t have anything to give you. I don’t even have a damn job. I’m a bad bet.”

“No, you’re not.” I wipe at my eyes. “I don’t care about any of that.”

“Well, I do.” His voice firms. “I want to be a better man for you, Em. I’m not saying no. I’ll never say no to you. But just… not yet.”

He pulls something out of his pocket and holds it up. “I’m trying, Emmy. I promise. I just need a little time.”

Jared doesn’t stop me when I lean forward and take the coin from his hand. I turn it over. It’s only plastic, but there’s writing on it.

Sixty days.

“I have an alcohol problem.” He swallows, his cheeks flushed from the cold as I still. “It started after Ben died, and then it got worse.”

The drinking at the bar. “But I saw you plenty of times. Every day, and you were – you were fine .”

“And the rest of the time I was in the apartment, Em. Mostly passed out. I’d have a few beers, walk you home and then spend the rest of the night drinking.” His voice is quiet. “It’s not always a constant thing. But the point is that I can’t control it. I can’t stop, not once I start. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to lie to you about it. But it was consuming me. If I hadn’t drunk so much the night you were attacked, I could have walked you home.”

It wouldn’t have mattered. Not the way it happened. But the guilt sits heavily in his words. Weighing on him. “You couldn’t have stopped it from happening. Not unless you were there.”

“Maybe,” he says tightly. “But I’m never going to know for sure, Em. And that… that doesn’t sit right with me.”

I wrap my fingers around the token tightly. “But this token… this is good . Sixty days. You’re getting help.”

“It’s probably always going to be there,” he says thickly. “You deserve to know what you’re getting into, Em. And I need to know that I can be someone you can depend on. That takes longer than sixty days and a token. It’s a start, but it’s not enough.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “You don’t need to prove anything to me. You already have, Jared.”

He’s spent years proving it. First with Ben, and then with me.

“But I need to prove it to myself.” His words are soft. “I want to be your forever, Em. I’m putting in the effort to make sure it works out that way. But I’m not kissing you, not taking this any further, until I know I can be that person for you. You are too important to me to let down again.”

His words sink into me, a promise and a plea. It begins to rain, scattering our coats with drops of water.

Jared takes a breath, glancing up at the sky with a sheepish look. “I’m not entirely sure what to do now.”

I still feel as though my heart might tear.

Not yet.

“You’re definitely not going to kiss me? It’s raining and everything. Perfect moment.” At his tortured expression, I back off. “Okay. Fine. No kissing. But… you’ll still be around while we work this out. You’re not going to disappear on me. Right?”

“Not going anywhere.” He holds out his hand. “You’re my best friend, Em. And now you know everything.”

“And you love me.” I stutter on the words, on letting them out into the air.

Jared squeezes my fingers. “Yeah, Emmy Marsters. I love you.”

My stomach swoops, and drops, and swoops again.

“Then we’ll work it out.”