When I Was Theirs

71. Jared

71

Jared

I wait until we’re in bed. Emmy is curled up against me, her cheek against my heart. Dozing.

Sometimes I feel as if the only time my heart beats is when she’s close. My heart only beats for Emilia Marsters.

I take a breath.

“Em. I think you should go.”

Sleepy eyes lift to mine. Midnight blue. I’ve never seen eyes as deep as hers. Her eyebrows crumple in confusion. “Go? Go where?”

“Anywhere.” My chest feels tight, my heart in my throat as I look over at her bedside table. Her book sits beside it, nearly finished. “South America. North America. Europe. Wherever you want to go.”

She stiffens. “Hang on.”

I pull myself upright, leaning against her headboard as she scrambles up onto her knees. She searches my face.

And I see it. The spark that appears in her eyes. “You mean it?”

My smile spreads over my face as I reach for her. My thumb trails across her cheek. “Yeah, baby. I think you need to.”

To see the world from a different view. To see things under a different sky.

I watch as my words settle in. The spark shifts into something else. “What do you mean, I need to do this? You’re coming with me.”

I could draw every part of her face from memory.

“Not this time,” I whisper it. I watch as her face changes, flickering from happiness to shock to pain.

“No.” She shakes her head. Slow at first, disbelieving, and then faster. “You don’t get to do this again. Not again, Jared.”

“I’m not.” I kneel opposite her, grabbing her hands. “I promise you, Em. I will be here when you get back. Waiting for you.”

She pulls them away, rubbing at her face before she pinches the bridge of her nose. Her voice breaks. “I don’t understand.”

“Then listen,” I say softly. “You’ve spent your whole damn life living for other people, Em. Your parents. Arron. Even Ben. And now you’re doing it for me.”

“I love you,” she says fiercely. “That’s not the same thing. This is what’s supposed to happen, Jared. This is what love is . And I love this life. I love building it with you .”

God. The back of my eyes burn. “My love is not conditional, Emmy. I don’t want to hold you back. One day, you’ll turn around and wonder where those years went. I never want you to regret being with me. And I can’t leave. Not now.”

Not when I’m finally making myself into something I’m proud of. Someone who can love Emmy Marsters the way she deserves.

Tears drip onto her cheeks. “But you want me to leave you?”

“I think that you want to,” I murmur. “And I want you to know that it’s okay, Em. That you can do whatever you want to do, and I will never hold you back.”

She swipes at her eyes. “Is this about the drinking? Because you’re doing it, Jared. You’re doing so well.”

“Because you’re here.” She jerks at my quiet words. “I never think about anything else when you’re around, Em. But my sobriety can’t be focused on you. It’s not fair to put that on your shoulders, even if you think you’re strong enough to take it.”

She inhales, looking up to the ceiling. But she doesn’t say anything.

“You need to know that the world is open to you, Em. And one day, we’ll see it together. But you need to go and experience life without anyone leaning on you. And I need to know that I am strong enough to cope without you.”

“Just think about it.” I reach for her hand, breathing deeply when she takes it. Emmy crawls into me, her legs settling on either side of my hips and her face buried in my neck. “I don’t want to force you to travel, Em. And I’m not going to ask you to stay. For the first time in your life, I want you to do something that you want to do. Without anyone else having a say.”

Her tears soak my neck. “I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t.” I stroke my hand down her back. “But you need to think about it first, okay? And whatever you decide, I’m going to be here waiting for you.”

“You could come.” The small words gut me. “Come with me.”

“Who would look after Geraldine?”

She doesn’t smile. Keeping one arm around her, I reach for my side of the bed. The drawer opens, and I pull out the travel pamphlets. “Some more bedtime reading.”

She leans back as I press the papers into her hands. “I wouldn’t even know where to start with something like this.”

“I helped Ben book his.” My hands grip her waist. “I can help you too. There are packages for solo travelers. Safe ones, with group activities.”

That’s one point I’ll never budge on. She has to be safe.

“Okay,” she says finally. Her voice shakes. “I’ll think about it. And you’ll wait for me.”

“Whatever you decide.” My lips meet the furrow in her brow. “I’m not going anywhere.”

But she is.

She’s going to fly.