Where the Darkness Goes

Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

TESSA — PRESENT DAY

I’m still sitting on the bathroom counter, still half drunk on his kiss, when he backs away.

“Because if he made you feel an ounce of what I just made you feel, you should go for it. If not…what are we even doing?” He shakes his head, stepping back farther from me as if I’m a ghost who’s haunting him. Maybe I am. Goodness knows he’s haunted me.

How could I ever tell him that, though?

More importantly, how can he not see it?

He shuts my bedroom door then, and moments later I hear his own door shut. With a puff of air, I begin buttoning my shirt. My entire body is pure flame, pulsing with little waves of electricity as I replay what just happened.

Did it just happen? Somehow, it feels like a dream I’ve had a few times now. The one where he comes back. The one where he never left. The one where we finally make it work.

With my shirt buttoned, I look myself over in the mirror. My hair is coming out of my ponytail, and my cheeks and neck are flushed pink. Evidence of what he does to me is everywhere, and I can’t ignore it, even if I wanted to.

Which I don’t.

I cross the room quickly, not bothering to knock on his door as I barge inside. He’s standing next to the bed, and I can’t tell if he was coming toward the door or staring at it the same way he’s been staring at me all this time.

Like he despises me and is starving for me in equal measure.

“What the hell was that?” I demand, waving my hand back in the direction of my room.

He curses, looking down. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why?” I demand. “You regret kissing me?”

“It’s not about regret. We agreed back then that this couldn’t work. You’ve held up your end of the deal, and I need to hold up mine. I just… It’s not easy.”

“Not easy because you want me or because you don’t want someone else to have me?”

He jerks his head back, face pinched. “Excuse me?”

I jab a finger in the air at him, mad now. “Back then, when you finally went after me, it was because Brendan was interested. And then once you had me, you lost interest?—”

“Oh, you know that is not what happened?—”

“And now Mark wants me, and suddenly you’re kissing me again. After all this time. You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence.”

“Of course it’s not a coincidence,” he groans, hands on either side of his head. “Because it makes me fucking insane with jealousy to see you with anyone else. Not because I don’t want you. Not because I have ever, for a single second, not wanted you. Because I have, Tessa. Jesus Christ, I have wanted you every second of every day for as long as I can remember.” He shouts the words like he’s losing grip, hands out to his sides in the air. “How can you not see that?”

“Maybe because you walked away!”

“I went to college.”

“You ended things before you left!” Fury storms through my veins. Troops heading into battle. “Don’t act like that’s the reason we didn’t work.”

“It is! Long distance was too hard, but I offered to wait. I offered to stay here with you!”

“What? So we could resent each other in six months? I wasn’t stupid. You needed to go to college. I just didn’t expect you to run off and forget about me.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” he demands. “I never forgot. That is not what happened. Don’t twist the story.”

“You never called. You didn’t text. When I tried to call you—when you actually answered my calls—you always acted like you were too busy. Like I was a burden. So I stopped trying.”

“Because it was too hard. Don’t you get that, Tessa?” he says my name with a whispered breath, exasperated. “All I thought about when you weren’t with me was you. When you visited after your graduation, that was the first time I’d felt alive since the moment I left. If I didn’t call or text you enough, it’s because it literally tore me apart to hear your voice and know I couldn’t be with you then. I was so excited for you to visit, and if I ever acted like it wasn’t all that I wanted—that every single phone call wasn’t what kept me breathing—it was just because I didn’t want you to see how hard it was for me to be away from you. I didn’t want you to know I was hurting. I didn’t want that to be your burden.”

I stop short at the revelation, his pained eyes telling me it’s the truth. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“Because I was a teenage kid who had no idea how to handle his feelings, let alone explain them to you. Because I didn’t want to scare you off. And because…” He reaches out his hand, but stops short of touching me. “Because I was in love with you and terrified you didn’t feel the same way.”

“You were in love with me?” I demand. “Since when? You should’ve told me.”

“I was going to tell you. I was. But then…” His head suddenly seems to hold the weight of the world as he sinks down onto the bed. “There’s so much that happened back then. So much, and it just all felt so heavy. You were here, and you were happy, and I couldn’t tell you I loved you without telling you everything else. And that killed me. It kills me to think you ever felt like I didn’t want you.” Pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers, he releases a heavy breath. “Or that I only wanted you because someone else did.”

“I told Mark I couldn’t see him anymore,” I whisper, divulging the truth I’d planned to keep to myself a while longer.

He stands and steps toward me. “You did?”

“Of course I did,” I say, breathless. “He’s a nice guy. A really nice guy, but…” I meet his eyes, trying to say so much with just a few words. “He’s not you.”