Where the Darkness Goes

Chapter 38

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

GARRETT — AGE 19

“Congrats, graduate.” Will pulls Tessa into a hug in the living room of our apartment.

With the exception of her recent graduation ceremony, where I only caught glimpses of her from across the school’s gymnasium, it’s been nearly six months since I saw her briefly last Christmas, and it’s every bit as hard as I’ve imagined. She looks good. Grown up in a way that feels impossible in such a small window of time. Her hair is shorter now, just above her shoulders. She’s never had it this short, but I like it. It suits her.

“Thanks.” She smiles awkwardly, then looks at me. There’s a moment where it’s clear we’re both trying to decide how to move forward. Do we hug? Shake? High-five? Wave?

We’re friends. We’ve texted and spoken on the phone occasionally, once her hatred cooled to a mild dislike. Mostly just to say Merry Christmas, happy birthday, or for her to check in on Will. Since my parents decided to move away, Will and I have spent our breaks and holidays there with them, only going to visit Frannie and Tessa for a few hours the day after Christmas.

It’s too hard to see her. To be in the same room and feel the electricity that radiates from her and not be able to touch her. I’m not a strong enough man.

We’re walking a fine line, where I had to do the most devastating thing I’ve ever done, and then I had to stand by my decision.

But now, everything is different, and I want to tell her why. Finally, I can explain myself.

I’m lost in my own thoughts when she sinks against my chest with a hug. On instinct, I gather her in my arms, holding her snugly against me. It’s as if this is the first time my lungs have been able to take a full breath.

She is, at once, familiar and changed. Her perfume is new, spicier than the florals she wore before, but there’s still the lingering scent of coconut in her hair. It’s painfully comforting having her in my arms again, a jarring reminder of all I’ve lost.

“Hey, stranger.” Having her against me makes everything better. I’ve never experienced anything like this.

It’s been a whole year, and I’m no less gone for this girl.

“Hey.” I clear my throat. “It’s, um, good to see you.”

Before I’m ready, she steps back, dropping her arms away from me. “Yeah.” She smiles. “Sorry I missed you guys at the graduation. Britney was throwing a party at the lake house, so we left right after the ceremony. Mom told me you stopped by.”

“It’s okay,” Will tells her. “We just came in for the day, so we couldn’t stay or anything.”

Even on his own, Will hasn’t gone back to his mom’s house more than two or three times since graduation. Everyone assumes it’s because of the awkwardness between Tessa and me, and Will and I have let it be assumed. Until now, it was easier. Even when it killed me.

“So what are the plans for tonight?” Tessa asks as if this is just like old times. In so many ways, that’s exactly how it feels. “What are my Nashville must-dos?”

Will grins and cups his hands around his mouth, speaking in a booming, game-show-host voice. “Well, little lady, I’m glad you asked. We’re taking you to Broadway so you get the full Nashville tourist experience. There, you will be guaranteed to see the following: a shit ton of drunk bridesmaids, swarms of equally drunk men wearing cowboy boots for the very first time, awesome musicians, not-so-awesome musicians, and not a single actual Nashvillian, excluding the workers.” The booming voice fades away, and he chuckles to himself. “Seriously, we avoid it like the plague.”

“Sounds perfect.” An infectious smile curves on her lips. “I’m going to take a shower and change, and then we’ll go.”

Will watches her walk away with a tender look on his face. Their relationship is better now, but still not what it was. He explained away his behavior, blaming it on a bout of depression after Cassidy’s death. It’s not a total lie. Will was depressed, just not wholly about that.

I’ve waited for this day for over a year now, and I still don’t know whether tonight will make everything better or worse. When I hear the shower kick on, I clear my throat.

“Listen, I want to tell her everything tonight. I know we said we’d decide when the time was right, but she’s graduated now. We got the results back. It’s time. I can’t wait any longer.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot too, actually.”

“Yeah?”

He scratches his eyebrow with a sigh I feel in my bones. “I don’t think we should tell her at all. Think about it. She doesn’t have to find out. No one is better off for knowing about this. Just let her be happy. It’s the last thing we can give her. The best thing.”

“What? No.” My voice is strained. Panicked. “That was never the deal. We agreed?—”

“And I changed my mind. You saw what it did to me when I found out. We can protect her from this.”

“No, we can’t. We have done everything, all of this ”—I wave a hand through the air—“to protect her, but we’re done now. You want her to be happy? This is the way. That’s exactly why I want to tell her. It’s the only way to explain what we did. The only way to make her understand why I broke things off. I want to make her happy. I…” Chills line my skin. “Will, I love her. I can’t lie to her and pretend I don’t anymore. She’s it for me.”

Will is sympathetic, but not convinced. “If you love her, you’ll find a way to be together without causing her unnecessary pain.” He pats my shoulder. “She’ll forgive you without needing to be destroyed by this. Just talk to her.”

My jaw goes tight. I can’t believe he’s doing this. “Telling her the truth was always the way out. Always. We talked about this. How can you ask me to keep lying to her? I have a good reason for what I did, and I deserve to be able to tell her that. Especially after everything else I did for you.”

His eyes darken with pain, and I regret my words immediately. “None of that was for me. I never asked you to break up with her. I didn’t want your help.” He shakes his head, his expression grim.

“I know, but you needed me, whether you’ll admit it or not.”

He rubs a hand across his forehead, head bowed. “Look, you’re my brother. If you hadn’t pulled me out of that darkness back then, I’m scared to think about what would’ve happened to me.” He pauses, his eyes lingering on the hallway. “But if you tell her the truth, you’ll be putting her in there. Are you really ready to do that again? Because if I could live my life not knowing, I think I’d be better off.”

I swallow. Is he right? Is wanting to tell Tessa the truth about everything back then selfish?

“Fine. I’ll figure something else out.”

He gives me a long look, like he wants to say something else. Maybe to apologize, but eventually he just says, “I know you will.”

The music is too loud. The beer is too expensive. The people are too obnoxious. Everywhere you look, there are rhinestones and tassels, boots and cowboy hats.

“I feel like I’m in a John Wayne movie,” I mutter to Will.

Of course, he can’t hear me because Luke Bryan is currently asking a country girl to shake it for him at a volume loud enough to be heard by said country girl’s ancestors. I hate Broadway with a passion, but when I look at Tessa, she’s swaying in place, completely and utterly happy, and the rest of it fades away.

Nothing else exists for me when it comes to her. She’s everything…and I’m terrified.

I messed it all up before, and I know there’s a good chance she’ll never forgive me. That she’s moved on, and I missed my chance, but I also know I’ll hate myself forever if I don’t ask.

We stay until last call, and I know I’m getting old because it feels like we’ve been gone for three days, not three hours, when we make it back to the apartment.

Will gives me a knowing look as Tessa asks if she’s sleeping on the couch.

“No,” I say quickly. “You can have my bed. I’ll take the couch.”

She looks at me, her eyes glassy, cheeks red. She’s buzzed at this point, but with a burger in her belly, she’s no longer drunk enough that she doesn’t understand the reality of why that might be a bad idea. “Are you sure? The couch is more than fine for me.”

“Totally sure. Your brother hasn’t washed his sheets since we moved in, and I sleep on the couch most nights anyway, so this makes the most sense.”

Behind her, Will makes a face that says, ‘Oh yeah, sure,’ and I roll my eyes to tell him to buzz off. He yawns loudly. “Welp, I’m going to hit the hay, put some headphones on, and crash. Did you have fun tonight?”

“Headphones? Did this Broadway trip sell you on country music after all?” She laughs but quickly moves on. “It was the best.” She throws her arms around her brother, and he rubs her back. “Thanks for taking me.”

“You’re welcome, and I hope you’re just being nice and honestly hated it because we are never going back.”

She tries to suppress a giggle. “Oh. I’ve gotta get my bag out of your room before you go to bed.”

“I’ve got it,” I interject, stepping around them and down the hall. In Will’s room, I grab her lilac duffel bag and carry it back to mine, placing it on the end of the bed.

Tonight’s the night. This is my chance to finally tell her the truth—or at least, the part of the truth Will won’t hate me for. I have no idea what I’m going to do, but this is it.

I release a long, slow breath. When I turn around, she’s there, though I hadn’t heard her come in. Warmth hits my cheeks.

“Oh. Hey.”

“Thanks for getting that.” She moves around me, dragging a finger across her bag. The air is charged with crackling anticipation, like those candies that pop on your tongue, and I wonder if she feels it, too.

“Oh, sure. No problem.” I run a hand against the back of my neck. “Um, I’m really glad you came tonight.”

She bobs her head, studying the ground like she might take a test on it later. “Yeah, me too. It was nice to get away. Thanks for”—she gestures toward the bed, not meeting my eyes—“this, by the way. You really didn’t have to?—”

“Oh, sure. Seriously. It’s the least I could do.”

“So how are you liking?—”

“Did you decide what you’re—” I say at the same time, and we both stop, laugh, and wait. I gesture toward her.

“How are you liking Nashville?” she finishes.

“It’s nice. Definitely different.” The conversation is heavy and stilted, and I need to just say what I came to say before she gets tired. “Hey, listen?—”

“Could I ask you somethin?—”

Again, we laugh.

“You first this time,” she says, gesturing to me.

“Right. Well, I guess I just wanted to say…” I stop, looking around. Suddenly, I’m sweating.

“I really missed you,” she bursts out, stopping me short with the world’s best interruption. Her eyes soften, and she leans her head to the side.

“You did?” I stare at her like if I blink, she might disappear and force me to wake up.

“You know how much I missed you.” She gives me a laugh filled with nerves.

“No,” I tell her definitively. “No, I didn’t.” I step forward as if finally giving in to the magnetic pull I feel between us, and at the same time, she steps toward me.

We collide somewhere in the middle. Both our hands go up so we’re clutching each other’s shirts, grasping and tugging like we can’t have a spare inch of air between us. Her lips are on mine in a second, and the world is brighter, the air easier to breathe.

I trace my tongue across the fullness of her lips. My mouth hasn’t forgotten her. She’s there, in every memory, every moment.

All at once, the tension eases in me, and I feel her shoulders loosen as she sinks into the kiss. It’s punishing and angry. Drugging. She pulls her shirt over her head, and I tug mine off just as quickly.

“Are you sure about this?” I ask, my lips already back on hers with savage intensity.

She nods against my mouth. “Shut up.”

I laugh as we fumble to the bed, like we never missed a step. My lips reclaim hers, demanding more. I want to take my time with her. We’ve done everything but this, and I want to do it right, but at the same time, I’ve been waiting too long to hold her again. To have her again.

I kiss a path down her soft stomach, but she sits up before I reach my target.

“I need to taste you,” I beg, searing a path with my hand down her stomach and onto her thigh.

She pushes me onto my back with a devilish gleam in her eyes. “Me first.” Her lips come down on my bare chest, and the world careens on its axis. I lie back as her tongue draws a line down my body to my pants.

We work together to pull them off, and then her mouth is on me, pure and explosive. My eyes roll back in my head as her fingers burn into my thighs.

I lurch forward, pinning her down and finally getting my mouth on her. She cries out, hands on my head, and the fire in my veins spreads to my heart.

When I have her nearly there, she rolls us over and slips back down to take me in her mouth again, as hungry for me as I am for her. We’re back and forth, warring over who can have their tongue on the other for longer, fighting for control, refusing to relent.

Her tongue swirls around me, and my body trembles with pleasure. “You like that?” She pulls away just long enough to ask before doing it again.

I’m going to lose my mind over this girl. There’s never been anyone so perfect for anyone else.

“I like you ,” I mutter, holding her head in place as I pump into her mouth once, then twice. Her eyes lock with mine, wide and trusting, and liquid fire hits me all at once. I freeze, holding her completely still until I’ve regained control. I won’t lose this war.

She giggles as I slip back between her legs, running my tongue against her. The laughter dies away soon enough, and then she’s moaning, grasping my hair, and calling my name. I feel her tighten around my fingers and smile with pride. It’s been so long since I heard that, and right now, it might as well be a fucking lullaby.

As she comes down, I crawl up the length of her body, painting her with kisses. I settle myself between her legs and lean across her toward my nightstand, pulling a condom out of the drawer.

I tear it open, watching her watch me, her eyes suddenly less confident. “Are we okay?”

She swallows, nodding, and rests her hand on her chest, still catching her breath. “Yeah. Of course.”

“We don’t have to…”

“No.” She takes my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. “No, I want to.”

My heart squeezes as I pull her hand to my lips, pressing a gentle kiss to her knuckles. I hope, with that simple kiss, I’m telling her everything I want to.

I love you.

You’re it for me.

I’m going to fix this.

I slide the condom on and position the tip at her entrance. My hands shake as I guide myself inside. This is different and new for us. We’ve never…

Heaven.

Pure, white-hot, brilliant, exploding stars and a million suns, heaven.

Jesus.

Fuck.

I grip on to her hips, looking down at the world’s most perfect view. “You good?”

“I’m perfect.” She smiles up at me with a dreamy expression.

“I’ll say.” She’s so fucking beautiful. Slowly, I work myself into her, building up the heat we had just moments ago. I want so much more. I want everything, but for now, all I can do is move just like this.

Anything else, and this ends, and for now, I’d sooner die than make this end.

When we’re done, we change into pajamas, brush our teeth, and find our way back to bed. I stand in the space between the door and the bed, but before I can say anything, she pats the place next to her. “Stay.”

That is probably the best word I’ve ever heard.

My chest feels as tense as the fists at my side and the muscles in my back as I slip into bed next to her. I have no idea where this leaves us, and I want to be clear about my intentions. I roll toward her, and she eases into my arms, her breath warm against my bare chest.

“I can’t believe tonight happened,” I tell her, breathing against her hair.

“I know. It was… Somehow, it was just what I needed.”

I press a soft kiss to her head with a smile I feel in my toes. “Happy to help.”

She hums and kisses my chest in return. “I mean it. I think I’ve been holding out for some closure with us, you know?”

That word— closure —is an ice bath dunking I hadn’t been expecting. I lean away from her slightly. “What?”

“Yeah. You know, I’m really happy now. It was so hard at first.” She holds me tighter. “I missed you, and I was broken, but…I get it now. I understand why you broke it off, and…I think it was the right thing to do. It doesn’t mean we won’t always care for each other, but I think it’s obvious our friendship is the best part of what we have, you know? And this part was pretty nice, too.” I feel her cheek pull into a smile against my chest, hear it in her voice. How can she smile while she says this? Can’t she hear my heart cracking just below her ear? “So, I guess what I’m saying is, this was some sort of closure that maybe we both needed.”

I don’t respond. I can’t. I’m not even sure I’m breathing.

“Anyway, Will probably told you I was accepted to a school in Chicago, and I’ll be moving there soon. So this was…just exactly what I needed, you know? I can move on now and not be hung up on you. It was the perfect goodbye, so thank you.”

“Um, yeah…”

“I’m happy,” she says softly. “And…and you’re happy too, right?”

I clear my throat, blinking away tears. “Yeah. I’m…so happy.” Ten seconds ago, it wasn’t a lie. I missed my chance. I was going to tell her. I should’ve told her before we slept together, but then she kissed me, and all thoughts ceased.

When she’s in my arms, no other parts of the world exist, and because of that, because I’m so intoxicated by her, my window has closed, and I’ll never know if telling her the truth might’ve healed us or simply hurt us more.

I’ll never know if she’ll forgive me for a crime she still doesn’t understand.

Will’s words from earlier replay in my head, barely audible over the splintering in my chest. Let her be happy. Then I hear her words from just a moment ago. I’m really happy now.

I’ve been the source of so much unhappiness for her, and I clearly misread tonight completely, but how can I tell her anything now when it might just make everything worse?

I can’t be selfish. I blink back tears, kissing her hair. “Good night, Tessa.”

I guess this is goodbye.