Whispered Southern Secrets (Magnolia Grove #11)

Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Honey

A glass of wine and some one-on-one with my best friend Olivia has me feeling refreshed. I needed that more than I realized. It’s been too long since we’d made the time to sit and visit.

I’ve almost crossed into my grandparents’ yard when I see him. The air catches in my lungs. I sink my teeth into my bottom lip as Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome comes casually strolling toward me.

Play it cool.

“What are you doing in Mimi’s yard?” Then I notice who’s by his feet and gasp. “And with Cash?”

Trespassing and pup-napping. Has J.D. come to the dark side? I’m picking up some morally grey vibes.

“We were hopin’ you’d join us for a walk?”

“We? Cash didn’t even ask permission if he could go.” Cash is definitely a bad boy.

“He asked Mrs. Minnie.”

“Yeah she ranks higher than me.” He gives me a smile that I’m helpless against. His fingertips lightly brush against mine. The contact sending a thrill through me. “How could anyone turn down you two good lookin’ fellas?”

“We are kind of cute, aren’t we?” His fingers lace through mine and the three of us walk down, and begin walking along the river.

I shouldn’t be noticing how large his hands are. How amazing he smells. If I could’ve stopped my attraction to him, I would. Lusting after the preacher is awkward. Dating in general is complicated, this is downright frustrating. I’ve argue with myself everyday but it’s time to rip the band aid off and put it all out there. It was time for me to confess what I hadn’t confessed to another soul.

“There’s something I want to ask you,” J.D. begins as he slows his pace.

But I cut him off by placing my hand on his chest. He’s probably wanting me to commit to the church choir, and I will. I’ve actually been enjoying working with Daisy and getting to know the other ladies.

“Wait. We’ll get to that.”

“We will.”

“We will,” I repeat. There’s a little bench a few feet away. “Let’s go sit.”

Once we’re seated, I unhook Cash from the leash to let him play freely. It’s quiet other than Cash’s panting and little playful growls. My words come out shaky. “I fell hard for a boy. He was popular. Athletic. And if I’m being honest, I was more flattered that everyone liked him but he liked me. When he proposed I thought I’d be crazy to turn him down. He was a year older, which at the time seemed like a big deal at the time. We’d dated for two years. He already had a great job.” I shrug.

“So you didn’t marry for love. It’s understandable it didn’t work out.”

“Well,” I drawl the word out. “The first couple of months were nice. Fun even. Then things got… strange. But I was young, eighteen, and he was my husband.”

My grandparents begged me to think it through. They told me I had my whole life to get married. Pepaw was so upset he threatened not to attend the wedding. That was the first and only fight I ever had with them. The only time either of us ever raised our voices. They did end up coming to the wedding. Mom and dad weren’t thrilled with the idea of me marrying young but they also liked the idea of me having security and marrying someone who’d ensure I was well provided for. I married for people’s approval. They supported the decision for money. My grandparents were the only ones to object, because they saw immediately that it wasn’t a marriage of love or even happiness.

I clear my throat and begin telling J.D. the rest of my pitiful and embarrassing story of a failed marriage. “First he discouraged us visiting my grandparents. He completely gaslighted me from going on my own. I sided with him because they had been rude and against our union. Then…” Gosh how can I even begin to say the words out loud for this next part. I swallow several times and clear my throat more than necessary. Finally I choke the words out. “It got to the point – well – at first we didn’t need to – but then – he’d only have sex if we watched porn.”

Blinking back tears of shame, I push forward. “I thought at first we were being kinky. Then it became evident he couldn’t – ya know – without watching or hearing other people. I felt inadequate. Undesirable.”

“Did you tell him?”

“Oh he never would discuss it. I’d try but he’d change the subject, blow me off, or completely leave the house. Life wasn’t terrible so I counted my blessings and carried on. Then my parents had their wreck. He’d never stay with me at the hospital. I was alone with them when they died. I tried calling him but he didn’t answer. When I went home, he wasn’t there waiting for me. I needed him to comfort me. I needed my husband.”

J.D. wraps a strong arm around me and pulls me close to his side. I push myself off of him. There’s hurt in his eyes, but I quickly explain. “No. If I lean on you now and release the damn holding this flood of tears I’ll never finish.”

Understanding passes over his features so I continue. “I had always respected his privacy. I’d never been a jealous wife. That was probably another sign but anyways. But I was hurting and I wanted to know where he was. He knew how critical my parents had been and it was a low chance of them pulling through.” I take a moment to catch my breath. Closing my eyes I still see that day vividly.

The sun is mocking me with the most beautiful day. Birds chirping happily in the trees. The weather was warm enough that you didn’t need a jacket but not hot enough to bring any sweat. It was the perfect day to ruin my life.

“I opened up the app to track down all phones on my plan. I followed it. I found my husband’s Jeep parked in front of my best friend’s house. Not Olivia – she’s Magnoila Grove best friend. This was another best friend. Being that we were best friends, I knew the code to get into her house so I let myself in.”

J.D. reaches down and squeezes my hand. I suck my lips in and release a humorless laugh. “Well you can guess what I discovered. But you know what hurt the most? Not that he was screwing my best friend while I watched my parents’ take their last breath. It was that he was doing it without watching porn.”

I release a small hiccup and J.D. drops to his knees before me. “Stop it. You don’t cry another tear over that ass.”

“Pastor.” I gasp.

“Ass is in the Bible. And he is one. I can tell you right now there was something wrong with him, not you.”

“I think that’s the main reason I was so eager for the one-night-stand. And when you came multiple times. I was so relieved.”

“Believe me, so was I.” He chuckles.

“So… I hired an attorney and I divorced him. Everyone believed I’d gone off the rails after losing my parents. He’d found comfort in my best friend. I was the villain, and he was the saint. The cherry on top is how even here I’m being judged for being a divorced woman while so young. My church asked me to leave, but they comforted him. It was insanity. Mimi and Pepaw didn’t give up on me. I told the no for a while, but they never lost faith in me. Despite telling them no, they made sure I knew every time we spoke they had a room waiting for me.”

I wait for the judgement to come through J.D.’s eyes. It never does. Instead he squeezes my hand again and says, “You don’t need anyone’s approval to feel sexy. You are. You’re so freakin’ beautiful, darlin’. But that’s not even what makes you irresistible. It’s all of you. Your brilliant mind. Witty and sarcastic humor. Your heart of gold, maturity, and joy.” He leans forward and places a tender kiss to my forehead. “I understand,” his lips feather my skin, “why you’re reluctant to get back heavily involved in a church. I completely get why you put a wall up around your heart. And why you’re not so keen on getting married again. All I can do is pray for healing on those old wounds that more than likely still feel fresh. I’ll remain patient. And I vow to never watch porn while being intimate with you.”

My eyebrows shoot up. “Do you watch porn? You said you wouldn’t watch it while being with me. Does that mean you’re free to watch it other times?”

“That’s between me, God, and my hand.”

Genuine full belly laughter erupts from me. I never imagined that I’d be laughing after unloading and unpacking my past marriage. I often wondered how I didn’t see all the signs before that day. How selfish he’d been. How close they’d gotten. How I never loved him.

“I never loved him. I tried to convince myself I did. My heart shattered that day more from his betrayal and the loss of my parents.” This was the first time I’d revealed the ugly truth out loud. I let out another sniffle. “When you do anything for all the wrong reasons, you’re bound to be miserable, and of course, it’ll fail. The next time I marry, I won’t be living a lie. I’ll never live in denial, again. I will love that person unconditional. I’ll enjoy their company. And we’ll have sex that’ll make pornographic movies envious.”

“Because there’ll be decent dialogue?”

I smack his shoulder, and then immediately fear claws it’s way through me. “Where’s Cash?”