Why Not Now? (The Blue Vista Crew #2)

7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Ava

“O kay. Spill.”

I glance up from the table I’ve been absent-mindedly wiping to see Bethany watching me with her hands on her hips. In addition to working for Cindy, we work together at Daylight Grill, a family restaurant in my neighbourhood. It’s busier in the mornings and afternoons than it is in the evenings, and right now it’s almost closing time.

“What?”

She glances around the restaurant, but it’s empty, so she slides into the booth. “You’ve been completely distracted and mopey all night yesterday and tonight. What gives?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She gives me a skeptical look and waits me out. Bethany and I became friends when she started at Daylight. We’d quickly bonded over a shared love of photography so, when Cindy hired her, she helped get me a job with her, too.

I check the time and go to the front door, turning the lock. As I return to Bethany, I type a quick text to Lacey, saying goodnight like I always do at 9pm if I’m at work, hitting send as I sit across from Bethany.

“Remember how Cindy asked one of us to go back to Blue Vista on Monday for some promo shots of their Christmas decorations?”

“Yeah. I had to work that night.”

“Right. Well.” I hesitate, then decide to spill everything. “I saw Derek. He asked if we could be friends, and he wants to take me out.” She opens her mouth to say something, but I stop her, rushing to add, “Just as friends. He said he wants to help me love Christmas again.”

She stares at me for a long minute before saying, “And you said yes?”

I roll my lips together and nod. “I went to his house on Monday. He hosts this game night for his friends.”

“Games?”

“Yeah. Card games and stuff.”

“Like poker?”

I laugh. “No. A game called Fluxx, followed by a couple rounds of Cards Against Humanity.”

She blinks at me. “You’re speaking English, but I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

I shake my head with a smile. “It doesn’t matter. The point is, I went over, and I had a good time. It was nice being out with other people my age, just having fun, not worrying about bills or if I’m doing a good job raising Lacey or if my car is going to get me where I need to go.”

Bethany reaches over and places her hand on mine. “Ava. You put too much pressure on yourself.”

I laugh. “I’ve always been that way. Even in high school and college.”

“I didn’t know you went to college.”

“Before my parents died. I was in a photography program. I would have ended it with a diploma.” I grimace. “It was one of the things Derek and I fought about, actually.”

“He didn’t want you to do photography?” she asks, aghast.

“The opposite. It was a two-year program. I’d completed a year and a half when my parents died. He said I should finish it. I said I needed to get a job.”

Bethany gives me a sympathetic look. “I see both sides of that argument. On the one hand, finishing the program might have helped you get a job you would like. On the other, you needed to take responsibility right away. It would be a difficult position.”

“It was.” My voice cracks as I remember that time. “I was juggling so many things. Lacey’s gymnastics had to be paid. My parents didn’t have a Will so everything was insane with that. Derek kept trying to be helpful, but all his suggestions kept making me more stressed.”

“Did you tell him that?” she asks.

“I—Maybe not.”

“Well, you were in the midst of some pretty heavy grief. And you were very young. Makes sense that it might have slipped your mind.”

She makes a good point. I never told Derek how his suggestions made me more anxious, even though deep down I understood he was only trying to help. If I’d mentioned it, would he have stopped? Would he have stayed?

“What are you going to do now?” she asks. “You’re just going to be his friend?”

I groan, dropping my head into my hands. “I don’t know. When he said that thing about Christmas, I couldn’t stop thinking about how it used to be. How much I used to love the holidays and how much I miss that joy. It’s probably a terrible idea. Especially since I’m still incredibly attracted to him. Those freaking grey sweatpants!”

Bethany laughs. I’d told her the story about them after it happened. “That’s something I’d have paid to see. Derek in grey sweatpants. I love Will, but he doesn’t even own grey sweatpants.”

I peek up at her with a smile. “Sounds like you know what to get him for Christmas, then.”

We giggle over that for a bit until our cook, Ryan, comes out of the back. “I’m all done back there. See you guys later.”

I follow him to the door, locking it behind him. When I turn back, Bethany is behind the bar, turning off the coffee maker and wiping down the counter.

“What are you doing?” I ask. “You’re off the clock. I’m closing tonight.”

She shrugs. “I figured we weren’t quite finished our conversation. Might as well help while we talk. So to recap, you want to do this Christmas thing because you miss how much you used to love the holidays. But you’re attracted to Derek. Do you want him back?”

I open the dishwasher at the bar and start putting away the cups. There’s the million dollar question. The one that’s been keeping me awake and distracting me from my busy schedule. I pause with a cup in my hand, turning it around and around before looking at my friend, who is waiting patiently for my answer.

“I don’t know. My life paused when my parents died. In the last few months, since working with Cindy, it’s finally started again. Maybe my dream of being a photographer isn’t the only thing I can get back. He made me feel wanted, Bethany. Like I was special.”

“So you do want him back.”

I sigh and continue emptying the dishwasher. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. The only one. But he also broke my heart. Before that he was my best friend for a long time. I miss the person I used to be when I knew him. I want that person back. Maybe he can help me find her.”

“How?” she asks as we move into the kitchen to turn off the hot pass and double check the back door lock.

Another excellent question. I can’t let Derek back into my heart. He broke it into a million pieces when he left me. But that knowledge doesn’t stop me from thinking about the almost-kiss we’d shared at Blue Vista or the sense of belonging I experience around him. The longer I think about it, the more I want to feel that way again. Like I don’t need to do anything or be anyone other than myself to make him smile.

When we’re finished cleaning and cashing out, I set the alarm and lock the door, and we walk to our cars.

“You know,” Bethany says. “You are allowed to do something for yourself every once in a while.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re always trying to do everything on your own, taking care of Lacey, working yourself to the bone, all that. But it’s okay to put yourself first. You want Derek back, or even if you just want him, it’s okay to go after that.”

“I don’t know if I want him.”

“How many times in the last couple of months have you thought of him in those grey sweatpants?” Bethany asks with a smirk.

Okay. She has a point. But still. “I’m going to drive home,” I tell her. “I’m going to climb into my bed and stop thinking about him and go to sleep.”

She shoves my shoulder. “Sure you are. Use protection.”

She climbs into her car and drives away. I sit in my driver’s seat, drumming my fingers on my steering wheel. I should do what I said to Bethany. Because, even though I can clearly remember the softness of his curls beneath my fingers, the electric sensation of his lips on my skin, even though I want to experience it again like I want my next breath, it’s a step in the direction of getting my heart broken.

And yet, for so long, I’ve been existing. One minute to the next. Even the sexual partners I’ve had have just been going through the motions, scratching at an itch that is never quite relieved. I want to feel again. And the last time I felt alive was when I was last with Derek.

It’s 10pm now. Lacey is asleep. I slide the key into the ignition and start my car, calling myself a fool, but driving out of my neighbourhood, anyway.