Why Not Now? (The Blue Vista Crew #2)

19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

Ava

W hile I’m cashing out, my boss comes up to me and stands there like he’s waiting for my attention even though he hasn’t said anything.

“Something wrong, Ross?” I ask, not looking at him.

“You said you need to be off early in a couple weeks, right? On the 21st?”

“Yeah. Just an hour.”

“Hm.”

I turn to him. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m going to give that shift to Stacey,” he says.

“What?” My heart rate spikes as I mentally calculate what that will do to my next pay cheque.

“I need someone who’s going to be here the whole time. I can’t keep bending the rules for you.”

I clench my fists. “Bend the—Ross, I’ve worked here for over seven years. My schedule has been the same four days for the last three. I’ve asked for a day off here and there and occasionally to be done an hour early. I’m your most consistent employee.”

He shrugs. “Not so consistent if you keep asking for time off.”

Then he turns and walks away so the only way I can continue the conversation is by yelling after him. If I cause a scene, everything will be so much worse. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, turning back to cash out.

“Um, Ava?” This time, Bethany interrupts me.

“Yeah?”

“There’s someone here to see you,” she says with a smile and a wink.

I turn to see Derek waiting by the door, leaning against the wall, his legs crossed at the ankle and hands stuffed in his jacket pockets, his cap pulled down over his face so he’s looking at me under the bill. My stomach flutters at the sight of him standing there. He nods to me as though he has all the time in the world.

“Are you dating him yet?” she asks next.

My gaze shoots to him again, but he couldn’t have heard the question from all the way over there.

“I—we haven’t—” I sigh. “It’s complicated.”

“Mm-hm. I’m sure it is. But the way that man is looking at you?” She shrugs. “I’d lock that shit down.”

I look at him, standing there, waiting for me. Bethany is right. But what do I say? That we’re sleeping together because I can’t seem to not? That I’m half in love with him again and I have no idea if my heart is about to be shattered into a million pieces? That I want to trust that I can lean on him, let him help me, but what if he leaves like he did before?

“I’ll think about it,” I promise Bethany.

She snorts. “If you say so.”

I finish my cash out, say goodbye, then meet Derek. As soon as I’m close enough, he pulls me to him, kissing me in front of the whole restaurant. Not that people are looking, but they could.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he says softly, smiling down at me. “Ready to get out of here?”

I nod, following him out to his car where he opens my door for me and I slide in. He hands me his phone before he even goes to the driver’s side and I scroll through the music app to find a song to play.

As soon as the car starts and the Bluetooth connects, “Barbie Girl” by Aqua starts playing.

Derek groans. “No, Ava. Anything but that.”

I laugh and switch it to a Taylor Swift song instead.

“You’re horrible, you know,” he says as he pulls into traffic.

“Yes. I need to stop at home to get changed before we go anywhere.”

I scroll through the playlists he’s created, pausing again on the one called Cool Down. There’s something about it that keeps drawing my attention. Then I realize it’s because he has a Taylor Swift song on it, the album cover part of the icon for the list, indicating it was one of the first songs added. It’s not something I expect him to listen to if I’m not around. I click on the list as he pulls to a stop in my back driveway.

“I should have shovelled your sidewalk as well,” he says. “Do you have a snow shovel?”

“Derek, why is our song on your Cool Down playlist?”

He winces, then turns to me with a pained expression.

“Do you still listen to it?” I ask.

He hesitates, but nods. “Sometimes.”

“You said you listen to this when you’re cooling down after a workout.”

He tilts his head to the side. “I said I listen to it to cool down. You assumed I meant after a workout.”

I set the phone down and twist my hands together. “Why do you have a list called Cool Down with our song on it?”

He touches the bridge of his nose, like he’s pushing his glasses up, but he’s not wearing them. “Fuck.” He sighs and removes his cap to shove his hands through his hair. “I couldn’t exactly call it Ava, could I?”

“What do you mean?”

He holds out his hand and I give him his phone back. He shows it to me, scrolling through the list. “It’s a bunch of songs that remind me of you. There’s that one, the first song we danced to at prom, the song that came on when we were making out on our first date, a few we always put on when we were driving around, shit like that.”

As he explains, he points to each one he means.

“Why do you call it Cool Down?”

His eyes leave mine, looking at anything else. “Your initials are AC. And I tend to listen to that playlist when I need to… cool down. When I’ve been thinking and wondering what you’re doing.”

“How long ago did you make this?”

He still refuses to look at me. “Originally, I made it when we were together. Then when I got that app, I remade it.”

“Why?”

Finally, he looks back at me. “Because I think about you, Ava. All the time. I’ve never stopped thinking about you. Now. Where’s your snow shovel? I’m going to clear your sidewalk.”

He gets out of the car before I can say anything else, settling his cap back on. I watch as he goes to the shed, but he can’t open it because it’s locked.

I stare at him. He’s never stopped thinking about me. I get out of the car and go to him, my eyes trained on his. When I get to him, I place my hands on the sides of his face, pulling his head down so I can kiss him. He lets out a breath and wraps me in his arms. The kiss is so sweet that tears prick my eyes.

“I’ll get changed,” I say. “You don’t have to shovel any snow. I can do it later.”

“Give me the key to the shed, Ava,” he says.

I unlock it and find the snow shovel inside. “I’ll be quick.”

“We have plenty of time. If you want to shower or whatever. There’s no rush. Also, Lacey isn’t here. She’s going to be with us tonight.”

“But she—”

“Has already done her homework.”

I bite my lip, not sure why I’m having so much trouble walking away from him right now. When I do, he goes out to the front yard to shovel the snow and I go inside. I take a quick shower, tying my hair up since I don’t need to wash it. After, I put on a mint green sweater and dark wash jeans. I brush my hair out, leaving it down, letting it fall in soft waves around my shoulders. I’m not sure what we’re doing tonight, but I assume it has something to do with Derek’s birthday in a couple days, especially since, this morning, he’d told Spencer he’d see him tonight and last night Lis had said she’d see him as well.

Finally, I pick up a wrapped package, stuffing it in my over-sized purse and go to find Derek. He’s just putting the shovel away, having also done the back driveway.

“You work fast,” I say, standing by the car.

“Toss me the keys?”

I do, and he locks the shed again. Then he comes to me and traps me against the car, pressing his body against mine and kissing me deeply. I moan, melting against him. The thought flashes through my mind that if we don’t have to rush, my bedroom is right there, but he draws away after a minute and opens the door for me.

“What was that for?” I ask, dazed.

“Won’t be able to do it later.”

I blink, coming back to myself. “Why not?”

“You’ll see.” He winks and goes around to his side.

“I hope what I’m wearing is okay,” I say, sitting and doing up my seatbelt.

“You look great.”

“It’s the same thing I always wear in the cold months.”

“Hey,” he says, so I turn to face him. “You know I don’t care what you’re wearing. You’re beautiful in whatever you have on. Even that ugly yellow shirt from your work.”

I snort and roll my eyes. “Yeah right.”

“It’s true. Although, if I could keep you naked, that would be ideal.”

I laugh and he kisses me.

“I just don’t have any pretty clothes,” I say. “When we were younger, I had all these amazing things I could wear for any occasion. Now, I have this boring wardrobe.”

“You are not boring, Ava.”

He watches me for a moment, waiting to see if I’ll say anything else, but I don’t. I don’t feel boring with Derek. I feel interesting and more than just a woman who’s been running with blinders on for years. When I don’t say any more, he puts the car in reverse and backs out of my driveway.

I pick up his phone, but he stops me.

“No point. We’ll be there in a second.”

“Derek,” I say, warning in my voice.

He ignores me and turns a corner onto his mom’s street, pulling into her driveway where a few other cars are already parked. Justine Moritz’s house is Christmas personified. Especially with the rare December snow that fell last night, blanketing her lawn. Lights twinkle from where they’re strung around the eaves, each window, and the door. A pretty wreath hangs from the door and a cheerful Santa figure waves from the porch. In the window, a large Christmas tree shines with lights and tinsel.

It’s the way my house used to be at Christmas when my parents were alive.

“Ready?” Derek asks as he shuts the car off.

“No. I can’t—we can’t be spending the night with your mom.”

“Why not? Lacey’s already here.” He points to the other cars. “So is Trish, Gina, Adalie, Vic, Spencer, Lis, Sophie, and Daze.”

I whimper. “How did you think this was a good idea?”

He gets out of the car and comes around to open my door. “It’s my birthday party, Ava. I want to spend it with all the most important people in my life.” He pins me with a look. “All of them.”

That same feeling that filled me when he’d told me about the playlist lights me up like a Christmas tree. My chest aches and I want to lean into him, hold him close, and never let go.

Finally, I take the hand he’s holding out and we walk to the front door. When we get inside and up the stairs, Vic sees us first. “It’s about time you got here. We’re supposed to be celebrating your birthday, and you left right before we arrived.”

“Had to pick up Ava from work,” he says, still holding my hand as we join his friends and family in the living room.

I see it as people notice. I find Lacey in the crowd. She has a pleased smile on her face, so maybe she’s okay with it? No one says anything until Derek’s oldest sister Tricia comes out of the kitchen with a small child on her hip, takes one look at me and says, “What’s she doing here? Isn’t this the girl who broke your heart?”

“Trish, stop,” Derek says, tugging me closer. “It’s fine. I’m over it.”

“Wait a minute. What?” I pull away to search his eyes while everyone stares at me. “What does she mean, I broke your heart? You left me.”

The chatter that had previously filled the room quiets. You could hear a pin drop as Derek and I stare at each other, his look of confusion matching my own.

“Maybe you should go out onto the deck,” Justine says. “Have a conversation.”

Derek nods and pulls me behind him to the back door, closing it when we’re outside. As soon as we’re alone, I say, “What did she mean, Derek? You left me , remember?”

He lets go of my hand and I feel completely bereft, as though he’d been my anchor, holding me steady, and now I’m adrift without him. He walks to the other side of the deck, turns and leans against the railing, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I do remember. I left. After you told me to,” he says, gently.

“I didn’t—”

“Don’t.” He cuts me off. “I remember what happened. Do you need me to remind you?”

I cross my arms over my chest. “Maybe you should.”

He takes a deep breath. “You don’t remember what you said? Because I do. I replay it almost every day. Just go, Derek. I don’t need you. That’s what you said. You’d been pushing me away for weeks up to that point, never letting me in, never letting me help you. What exactly was I supposed to do other than leave?”

“I didn’t want you to leave. I just didn’t think you wanted to stay. So I gave you a way out.” I suck in a breath, my voice cracking. “And you took it.”

“I didn’t want a way out. I wanted to be with you.”

I scoff. “Are you saying you weren’t going to leave me?”

His hands shoot from his pockets to scrub over his face. “Leave—why would I leave you? Ava, I loved you.”

My heart is in my throat, clogging it, making it ache. Tears claw at the backs of my eyes.

“I had all this responsibility thrust on me. You didn’t need that.”

“Where did you get that idea?” he asks, his hands dropping to his sides again. “What did I do to make you think that?”

What had he done? “You kept telling me what you thought I should do, stay in school, sell the house.”

“Those were suggestions,” he says, clearly exasperated. “Suggestions I fully intended to help you through if you wanted to do any. But if you didn’t, I still would have been there.”

Had he done anything else? Why was I so certain he was going to leave? My memories from that time are so hazy, filled with grief and fear. I’d stumbled around in the haze of those emotions for so long before I was able to pull myself out. When I did, the only thing I knew was that I believed Derek was going to leave, and he had.

I pace toward him, then away again. “All this time. Almost nine years. I thought you left me because you didn’t want to stay.” I wheel back to him. “So, it was just a huge misunderstanding?”

“Sounds like it.” He shrugs. “In our defence, we were kids. Nineteen-year-olds don’t exactly know what they’re doing with their lives or how to communicate. And you’d been dealt some pretty heavy shit.”

I take a step closer to him. He stays where he is, leaning against the railing, watching me approach.

“Why didn’t you ever call me?” I ask quietly. “You never tried to reach out.”

“Neither did you,” he counters. Then he sighs. “You know how I feel about being somewhere I’m not wanted, Ava. My dad—” He cuts off and shakes his head. “Well, you know. I assumed you’d told me to leave because you didn’t want me anymore. You told me directly that you didn’t need me.”

“So what happens now?” I ask.

His expression is guarded. “What do you want to happen?”

Those deep brown eyes never leave me as I get closer and closer. “I asked you first.”

I reach him and, even though I still can’t tell what he’s thinking, he reaches for me, pulling me against him. I melt into his warmth and he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.

“What do you want from me, Ava?” he whispers. “Just tell me. Tell me and I’ll give it to you.”

His head dips toward me, his lips brushing mine in a feather-light kiss.

I want more. I shift closer, pressing my body to his.

“Anything I want?”

He nods. “Anything.”

“What if I want the moon and the stars?” I ask.

“I’ll figure something out.”

My heart is racing, pounding against his. When he’d left the first time, it had been shattered. Now here I am on the verge of giving it to him again. Can I trust him? Could it work this time?

“I’m afraid,” I say.

“So am I. But now that I know you never wanted me to go…” He shrugs. “Why not now, Ava? Why can’t we try again?”

I search his eyes, and what I find there has me nodding.

He crushes his mouth to mine. We devour each other, unable to get enough. His fingers tighten in my hair, drawing my head back so he can kiss me deeper.

After too short a time, he tears his lips away. “Fuck. We need to stop.”

I whimper, my eyes still closed, my mouth blindly searching for his.

“Don’t make those noises. We have a birthday party to attend. We’re going to have to finish this later.”