Why Not Now? (The Blue Vista Crew #2)

32. Chapter 32

Chapter 32

Ava

A fter Derek leaves, I try to talk to Lacey about what happened, but she only has one thing to say to me. Just before she closes her bedroom door in my face again, she says, “You know, not everyone gets a boyfriend who opens car doors and lets you pick the music and shovels the snow in your driveway. Some of us get boyfriends who leave us in Queen Elizabeth Park.”

It cuts deep that she can see where I’ve messed up so horribly, but I still can’t.

I end up downstairs in my office, sitting at my desk, staring at my computer for a long time, wondering where I went wrong. I’m failing my sister, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Derek’s words come back to me. I’m always here if Lacey needs me. For once, he hadn’t said he’d be there if I need him.

Eventually, I turn my computer on to try to distract myself with work. Over the last few weeks, I’ve sorted pictures I’ve taken into different folders, focusing on ones that will match the theme of my portfolio, which means I haven’t edited any with people in them since that’s not what I really want to do. I open the folder with the people in it and start going through them.

I find the ones from the night at Gingerbread Lane and see Lacey laughing with Tanner’s niece, Juliet. There’s another of Lis pointing something out to the two girls. They’re all looking intently at one of the displays. I click through to the next and stop. Derek is looking past the camera at me. He’d told me I was supposed to be taking pictures of the displays and not him, but he’d been so happy and so comfortable, I’d had to capture it.

This picture is different, though. In the split second I’d taken it, I captured his expression when he looked at me. It’s an expression I remember from when we were together before, when he looked at me like I was the most important person in his world.

I couldn’t say how long I stare at it. I don’t edit it at all. There are minor adjustments I could make, but I just look at it, wishing I had recognized what had been right in front of me in the moment, wondering if it would have changed anything if I had.

He’d promised to make me love Christmas again, and up until yesterday, he had made it the best one I can remember. Now that Christmas is only three days away, it might be the worst since the first one after my parents died.

My throat clogs and tears scratch my eyes. I pull my knees up, curling into a ball on my chair as I look at the picture, wanting to have that moment back right now. Wanting Derek’s arms around me as I think about how I’ve lost him. How I’ve lost my parents. How I’m losing Lacey, if I haven’t already lost her, too.

As the tears start to fall, I realize I’m not only crying because of Derek. I’m crying because of everything. I never grieved when my parents died. I’d needed to be strong for Lacey. I’d needed to get things done. There hadn’t been time for more than a few tears back then. There isn’t time to feel my emotions now. Except they’ve officially overflowed the box I’ve been stuffing them in, and they all spill out.

I grab the pillow I usually keep behind my back because I can’t afford a better desk chair and use it to cover my face, smothering the sobs as they wrench out of me.

I cry and cry. For my parents. For my baby sister, who had no one but me and who I’ve let down. For Derek, who I’d pushed away then and now. And I cry for myself, for the person who was stolen from me, the dreams I’d put on hold for so long. I’ve been living in a fog of exhaustion and responsibility since that day, and I am officially broken.

Derek said he worried, at the pace I was going, that I would burn myself out. Well, consider me burnt out. I’ve reached the end of the rope and I’m ready now to let someone else pull me back in.

If only I hadn’t pushed away the one person I want to do it. He’d said a week, but I need him now.

It’s late when I’ve finally cried myself out. I don’t bother to shut down my computer—it has long since entered sleep mode, anyway.

I toss and turn, falling into a fitful sleep only after I place a drop of Refuge on my pillow. I wake the next morning with my eyes puffy from all the crying, taking a scalding shower to attempt to get back to an even keel. Even though something needs to change, I still need to go to work. So I pull myself together, and go upstairs where Lacey has already made a pot of coffee, like she does every morning. She’s not in the kitchen and she knows my schedule, so I leave without saying goodbye, not wanting her to shut me out again. I couldn’t handle that right now.

Either thankfully or unthankfully, housekeeping doesn’t need any of my mind involved, my body just going through the motions of what I need to do. I spend the whole day wondering what my next moves are going to be. I really need to cut one of my three jobs. I know which one that’s going to be, but it’s scary to do it since I’ve worked at the restaurant for so long and the money it brings in is steady, whereas the photography work is not.

By the time I get home that afternoon, I’ve made up my mind, and after checking on Lacey to make sure she hasn’t snuck out again—though I don’t expect her to after yesterday—I return to my office to type up my two weeks’ notice. As I hit print, my cell phone rings.

“Is this Ava Calligan?” a man asks when I answer.

“Yes.”

“Oh, good. My name is Sam Fontana. I’m the owner of La Dolce Vita. Have you heard of it?”

“Of course. Your cannolis are some of the best in the city.”

He laughs. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re a fan. I’m sorry to call so close to Christmas but, I got your name from Vic Sterling when I mentioned wanting to upgrade my website and make some promotional material. She said you’re an excellent photographer and after she sent me your portfolio, I have to agree. I wondered if we could chat about a possible job for you.”

“Are you serious?” I ask, my heart pounding.

“Um. Yes. You are looking for work, right?”

I blink, coming out of my shock. “Yes. I mean. I’m just not used to people calling to commission work.”

“I would have emailed, but your online portfolio didn’t have any contact information. I got your number from Vic, and she said it would be okay to call.”

“It’s fine. It’s great.” I’m not going to tell him that the portfolio doesn’t have my contact information because I don’t really share it with people. Or that the phone call isn’t what’s throwing me off, but that he’s calling at all.

“Good. So, can we set up a meeting?”

We make a plan to meet after the holidays in the first week of January. Before we say goodbye, I say, “May I ask when Vic gave you my information?”

“Yesterday. Her parents hosted a Christmas party. She told me about you and sent the link to your portfolio this morning. She encouraged me to call immediately.”

After we hang up, I stare at my phone. Even though we’ve had a fight and aren’t currently speaking to each other, Derek’s friends continue to be nice to me. And apparently are continuing to help me, just like him.

I’m still considering it when I go out to my car later to get the wrapping paper I’d bought on my way home to finish wrapping Lacey’s presents. While I’m outside, Theresa comes out as well.

“Hey, Ava. I’ve been trying to catch you since yesterday.”

I walk to the fence. “Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yes. I’m wondering about you. I saw Derek here yesterday with Lacey. I thought you two had broken up.”

“Not exactly,” I say, my brows drawing down in annoyance. Why is she watching my house so much? Has she always been this nosy? “Lacey had a problem and called Derek to help her. He brought her home after.”

Theresa tuts and shakes her head. “There he goes again, inserting himself where he doesn’t belong. I’ve told you since the beginning, that man wants to control you.”

I tilt my head to the side as I recall those conversations right before and after my parents had died. Theresa and her husband were finally filing for divorce. He was moving out. Now that she’s brought it up again, she had often asked me how Derek was handling everything with my parents. When I told her he had suggested I stay in school and to sell the house to buy something smaller, she told me he was trying to take control.

However, with the hindsight of close to nine years, I understand he’s never tried to control me, and all Theresa’s advice came from the fact that her husband had been trying to control her .

“It was you,” I say. “My mind was so hazy with grief, I didn’t think about it until now, but it was you.”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“Derek never tried to control me. He only wanted to help me. But you kept saying all that stuff. I was lost, and you were older and more experienced. I just believed you.”

“I’m only trying to help,” she says.

“Maybe. But you don’t actually know Derek. You don’t know anything about him.” I stand a little straighter. “Thank you for all your help over the years, Theresa. Now, I would appreciate it if you’d stop.”

I turn away, leaving her gaping at me as I walk into my bedroom and close my door.

After work on Christmas Eve, I knock on Lacey’s door and when she opens it, I say, “Jess invited you over today, right?”

“Yes,” she says. “But I’m grounded. Indefinitely, you said, after I snuck out on Sunday.”

“I know. You can go to Jess’ house tonight if you still want to. Tomorrow, I have some things I’d like to discuss, if you’re willing to listen.”

She blinks in surprise.

“What things?” she asks.

“I’m still working out some details,” I say. “I should have everything organized tomorrow. Can we talk then?”

“Tomorrow is Christmas.”

“Did you have something else you wanted to do?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “No. I think I’d like to spend Christmas with my sister.”

My eyes fill with tears and my throat hurts again, but I just nod and smile. “Tomorrow then.”

After she leaves, I return to my office, opening my budget and seeing what things will look like without the restaurant money coming in. I organize my finances so I can see how much I need to make from photography to make up the difference and realize it’s not as much as I thought. I also note a few ideas I have on how Lacey and I can save money, including one big thing I’m admittedly scared to bring up to her.

I set my alarm early for the morning. When it goes off, I gather up all my notes and spreadsheets, and go upstairs before Lacey wakes. She’s usually an early riser, but I want to make her breakfast today.

As I start the coffee, it occurs to me she’s made it every morning since she was about fourteen. Had she done that to be helpful? Regardless, it had been.

I’m plating the bacon and eggs when Lacey comes out of her bedroom, rubbing her eyes.

“Merry Christmas,” I say.

She smiles. “Merry Christmas.”

I set her plate on the peninsula in the spot she likes best and place mine beside it along with two cups of coffee.

After the first couple of bites, she points to the papers with her fork. “What’s all this?”

“My plan,” I say, handing her the paper on the top. “I’d like you to read this over and tell me what you think.”

Her eyes scan the letter quickly—it’s only a few sentences long. Then she looks at me with wide eyes. “You’re quitting the Daylight Grill?”

I nod.

“Why?”

I take a deep breath and plunge in. “I’ve been working too much. I haven’t been around enough for you, and I’m also…” I sigh. “I’m tired.”

She nods. “I know.”

“It’s going to be tight financially for a while. But I have a new photography job coming up next year. Vic, Derek’s friend, told someone she knows about me, and he wants to hire me for some promotional work for his bakery. La Dolce Vita.”

Her mouth drops open. Then she grins. “Can you get us some cannolis?”

I laugh. “I’ll see what I can do. But I don’t plan to get paid in baked goods.”

“So what’s the rest?” she asks.

“Some ideas on how we can save money. There’s one idea I had. Well, actually, it was Derek’s idea back when… when Mom and Dad died. What do you think about selling the house? Getting something a little smaller?”

She shrugs. “Makes sense. This place is way too big for us. Especially if I’m going to stay on campus when I start college in a couple years.”

I blink at her answer. “Really?”

“Yeah.”

I laugh. Then I laugh again, harder. I laugh until Lacey starts looking at me like I’ve gone insane.

“What?” she asks.

“Derek said this place was too big for us. He said we should get something smaller. I said I couldn’t uproot you. All this time, I could have asked you and you would have said the same thing he did. Why didn’t I ask you?”

“Well, to be fair, when I was eight, I probably would have had a different answer.” She looks down at her plate, tapping her fork against it. “I have another money saving idea, if you’d like to hear it.”

“Absolutely.”

She swallows, looking up at me. “I don’t want to compete in gymnastics anymore. I don’t love it. All the pressure to win has sucked the fun out of it. I’ve already talked to my coach, and she said there’s an opening coming up for an assistant coach to teach the little kids. I’m going to apply.”

“I’m not taking money from you, Lacey.”

She smiles. “I want to get the job, either way. If you don’t want any money, I’m happy to keep it all.”

“Save it,” I say, stern. “At least some of it.”

She rolls her eyes, but she’s still smiling. I feel like we’ve reached a new place between us. We’re going to be okay. But I still have one thing I need to understand.

“Why did you go to him instead of coming to me, Lacey?” I ask softly.

Her smile fades as she looks away again. “Because. He’s more like a brother. You’re more like my mom. I’m always so worried I’m going to disappoint you.” Her voice cracks.

“Lacey. You’re not going to disappoint me.”

“For a long time, I needed a mom more than a sister. And you were there, you filled that role for me. I’m sorry you had to do that. I probably still need a mom, but maybe we could just be sisters.”

I nod. “I’d like that. Will you tell me what’s been going on?”

She looks back at me, tears filling her eyes now.

“His name is Todd. He’s actually in grade twelve. He asked me out, and I felt so special to be dating someone older.” Her voice breaks again. “But he wanted to have sex and I’m not ready. I asked Derek, and he said if a boyfriend is being a dick about it, he’s not really my boyfriend, he’s just a dick. So, on Sunday, when Todd brought it up, I told him that and he said if he’s not really my boyfriend, I should get out of the car.”

I lean in, wrapping my arms around her as we both cry. I’ve never been more thankful for Derek than I am at this moment. I don’t care anymore that she went to him instead of me. I’m just happy she felt comfortable going to someone . And that, when she needed him, Derek was there.

“I don’t think he thought I was actually going to get out,” she says.

“I’m so proud of you that you did.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you. But we were fighting, and I knew Derek would come, too.”

I nod, pulling back to smile at her. “You did good. Not a lot of sixteen-year-olds would have had the courage to do what you did.” I wipe my eyes. “Enough. Present time.”

Lacey grins and claps and we go over to the tree where I give her the things I bought while I was at the Christmas Market with Derek. She’s delighted with the hat and scarf and oohs over the earrings, putting them in right away.

Then she hands me my gift. “Derek helped me pick it out. He said you’d like this one.”

Curious, I tear off the green paper with the red Santas and take out a box. I open it to reveal a sparkly green ornament. It’s made from glass and is long and thin, like an icicle. I’d pointed it out in passing when we were at the Christmas Market.

“He took you to get this?”

Lacey nods. “I told him, after we got the tree, that I wanted to get you one that’s just yours. He said he knew the one. We went to the Christmas Market, and he walked straight to it. It doesn’t have your name on it, but I thought it could be your special ornament.”

I lift it from the box, hanging it from my fingers so it spins gently on its string. I get up, hanging it on the branch next to the one he’d made for us, seeing his name in my writing.

I turn to Lacey, taking the wood ornament from the tree. “Do you want to come with me somewhere?”

“Where?” she asks, already standing.

“I need to go fix something.”