Wildflowers and Wide Receivers

13. Jonah

Chapter 13

Jonah

W hen I was first drafted out of college, Carolina took me in the fifth round. To say I was excited would be an understatement. While I do grasp how hard it is to stay on a team and be consistently a part of their fifty-three-man roster, naive me thought that didn’t apply to me. I was dedicated, worked hard, and couldn’t fathom that I wasn’t in it until the end. With every team I’ve played on in my football career, I was with one team. There was my little league team, the Colts; my high school team, the Braves; and my college team, the Bulls. I wasn’t one of those players who jumped around to find the best team, or entered into the portal in hopes to be seen by someone possibly better. When I commit, I commit.

And I committed to Carolina.

I bought into the leadership team, the words they spoke, the brand, the city, I even bought my first condo. I lived, breathed, and bled for Carolina, so when my agent and the coach sat me down to inform me that I was being traded, I was devastated.

All I could think about was, “What did I not do to make them believe in me like I believed in them?”

Stepping outside of myself, I understand these franchises are a business and I recognized that the move they were making was a good one for the team, but it didn’t make me feel any better. It made me feel like my worth and commitment was devalued and it sent me spiraling.

So it was mid-season of my second year, the beginning of October and one month before the trade deadline that I packed my bags and moved to Tampa determined to be even better than I was before.

Every team has a culture, a vibe, and a motto or slogan, but at the time I was so focused on myself and proving to the team what I could do, that I overlooked the depth of ours. Everyone has heard of“Clear eyes, full hearts,” or “Faith, family, and football,” but for the Tarpons it’s a little different, it’s, “Victory starts in the heart.”

The heart is where the most honest and pure emotions occur. Love, compassion, tenderness, devotion, faithfulness, all emotions that when they’re not diluted with thoughts from the brain, speak to who we are. For both teams, I was trying to be an individual. An individual who showed up, worked hard, and was trying to keep my place. But it was when John died that I felt the heart—the heart of the team.

I loved my teammates in Carolina, we were great friends, but here in Tampa the team is so much more, they’re a family. I’d done nothing to receive the love and support that they all showered me with, but that’s the thing about family, they never once ask for anything in return. It was freely given.

And once I succumbed to the true meaning of that phrase, everything changed. Victory became more than just winning games, which we still did, because the chemistry between us as the players changed too, but it was about how we chose to live our lives.

With each other.

For each other.

So I shouldn’t be surprised by how many people show up for Vivi today, but I am.

“Bro, who’s that woman standing over there,” Sully asks, discreetly tilting his head toward the left side of the stage.

I follow his gaze to find the woman standing on the left side of the stage, wearing all black, and holding a clipboard.

“That’s Kelli. She’s the owner of the dance studio.”

He nods his head, but doesn’t say anything further. He just keeps his gaze locked on her and I can feel my brows rise in curiosity.

Sully is a guy’s guy. He’s all about the team. Leading the team, supporting the team, loving the team. He’s probably been this way his whole life, and for some guys, that’s enough. So I find it interesting he’s asking about Kelli. He’s never even hinted around about being interested in someone, but then again, neither have I.

Kelli, on the other hand, while she wouldn’t let me pay for the costumes, she did accept my offer to rent the theater space tonight, and she picked Centro Austuriano, in Ybor City. It’s an old theater from the early 1900s, and while her suggestion seemed great at the time, now that we’re here and I look at how many of my teammates have shown up, I’m not so sure. The seats aren’t all that accommodating for our large size. They’re those old theater seats with the red velvety fabric you’d expect to find. Small, unforgiving when you sit in them, and the rows are close together.

“Do you want me to introduce her to you?” I ask him, and his face blanches.

“No. That’s okay. I was just curious. I don’t remember seeing her at the Christmas show.”

“She was there, running around just like she is here.”

“Huh,” he says, still looking at her.

“Does Vivi have a solo?” Camden asks, walking up and joining our conversation.

“I don’t think so. They’re seven. She’s in ballet two, that’s one level up from beginner.”

“Gotcha,” he says, meanwhile Tyler’s eyes light up and a mischievous smile creeps onto his face.

“Why do you look like this?” I ask him.

“Because you should look over your shoulder,” he says.

Turning, I scan the people who are entering the room and that’s when I spot Sophie. Her eyes meet mine, hold, and slowly I watch as she stands a little taller, takes a deep breath and then walks my way.

Tyler claps me on the shoulder, and both him and Camden leave me standing by myself.

“You’re here?” I ask, completely shocked.

“I am. Vivi invited me at the shower.”

I want to tell her that she didn’t have to come, that I’m certain Vivi would have understood, but I don’t. I will never deny her support and friendship, no matter who it’s from.

“Well, thank you for coming.”

I’m so happy she’s here.

Behind her, I can see Tyler making everyone scoot over one seat. He’s making room for her between us and he smirks at me.

“If you were hoping to blend in tonight”—she glances around the auditorium and then at the row of bulky players—“I’d say you failed.”

I chuckle. I know we’re a sight to see. “These parents are used to us. We might have been a little jarring at first, but two years in and we’re just another family here for their dancer.”

“I think that’s amazing.” She smiles back at me.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Tyler asks, all fake innocence.

I glance at the row of my friends and they are all staring at us, some more subtle than others, but most with blatant open curiosity.

“Sure.” Heat climbs up the back of my neck. “Sophie, I think you know some of the people here, but this is Tyler, Camden, Bryan and Lexi, Camille and Reid, Billy and Missy, Darius, Dylan, and Sully. Everyone, this is Dr. Sophie Black.”

“Hey, Sophie,” Camille calls out, her hands propped up on her very large stomach. The two friends smile at each other, and farther past her, Lexi and Missy wave.

Obviously, I know that she’s friends with them. After all, I met her because of them, but I still find it strange that it took over two years for us to run into each other again.

“So why ballet?” she asks.

“It was the therapist's idea that she become involved in an activity. While it was important to let her grieve, he said it was also just as important to help her move on with her life. She needed outlets, things to look forward to that would surround her with others and keep her out of the house. We talked about gymnastics, soccer, and even swimming since she loves the water, but she was set on dance and ballet.”

“That’s good that she loves it.”

“I think she does.”

The lights flicker twice, alerting everyone it’s time to take their seats. We sit down in the two tiny seats they’d left for us, and where I can see my friends struggling, I’m hit with the subtle scent of sweet and floral. It smells good. She smells so good that I want to lean into her space and bury my face against her neck.

I turn to look at her, and my heart flips in my stomach. She’s here, and she’s so close, despite the fact that this is Vivi’s night, I suddenly feel anxious.

“Listen, I’m not sure what you have planned after this, but we’re all heading to Bern’s for dessert.”

I know she’s dating someone, but if she knows more people will be there, like there are here tonight, maybe she’ll come.

“Bern’s Steak House?” She gives me this incredulous look.

“Well, yeah. Vivi likes the dessert room, so I made a reservation,” I tell her like it’s no big deal.

I understand why she’s looking at me the way she is. I’m certain most grab something quick, but I want to celebrate Vivi in a way that makes her feel important and loved. And as it goes, her favorite dessert is from the most prestigious steak house in town. Can’t fault the girl for good taste.

“As appealing as that sounds since I’ve never eaten there, I’m actually heading out of town after this and need to get on the road.”

“Oh.” My heart sinks. It’s not like it would have been a date, or I’d get to spend a lot of individual time with her, as everyone is coming, but still. Call me greedy. Call me hopeful. Call me whatever you want. If I can get even a few more minutes with her, I’ll take it. “Well, then you coming tonight means even more. Thank you.”

Her eyes crinkle in the corners as she gives me a closed-mouth smile. A smile that really wants to draw my eyes to her lips, but I keep them locked on her.

“And if you ever find yourself hungry and craving a good steak and a glass of wine, I’d love to take you. You have my number,” I tell her as the lights go out. I had to throw that out there. I want her to know that my invitation to take her out is still open.

Next to me, she crosses her legs so her foot rests up against the outside of my leg. I know I should move and give her more space, but honestly, the seats are too small to move anywhere, and I’ll take any contact I can get.

Nerves race through me as the first group of little girls take the stage. The music is a famous piano medley that I should know but don’t. I recognize the tune but not what it is, and as the piece escalates, so do my nerves. I want this to go well for Vivi. She’s worked hard, and she loves it so much.

I can feel it when Sophie looks at me, but right now, I can only focus on the stage. I can only handle one large emotion at a time, and this moment is about Vivi. My hand tightens around the bouquet I’m holding. It’s then that I glance down the row and realize all the guys on my team have brought her flowers. A lump rises up in my throat, and I have to swallow it down.

When Vivi’s group takes the stage, I pull up my phone and start taking pictures. I know one of the other guys will get the recording, but I need one of her in the cutest little ballet outfit. They wear pale-blue leotards and tutus for this performance, with the standard pink tights and pink ballet shoes. Sure enough, all twelve little girls have their hair pulled back slick into a bun, with some royal-blue feathered thing sticking off their heads.

We’re easy to spot in the crowd, as we’re taller than most, and as they take their place, she finds me and gives me a small smile. She’s easy to spot too as she’s in the front row.

I wave, and her cheeks turn red. She then forgets about me as she finds Kelli at the foot of the stage.

The music starts, and the girls fluidly move, performing their routine.

These moments always feel so large for me, and I struggle with staying in the moment and the enormous amount of grief that threatens to take over. I’m so proud of her. I know what I’m feeling is what a parent feels for their child when they’ve worked hard for something, and you see them accomplishing their goals. But at the same time, that wave of grief always hits me because John will never see these moments. He will never see how brave, beautiful, kind, and smart she is.

My eyes blur for the unfairness that life afforded him, and Vivi too. While I would never be anywhere else but where my Wildflower is, if I could trade places with John, there’d be no hesitation.

I watch as she turns, bends, and changes formation. I don’t know what it’s called in the dance world, that’s a football term, but it’s essentially the same thing. She moves around the floor, ending where she started, and as the music drifts to a close, she folds herself into a final pose.

She was perfect.

And as the other parents quietly clap, our whole row erupts with enthusiastic but polite cheers. Chuckles echo around the theater, but all I can see is Vivi. Her smile now is large and bright, and I’m so full of love and pride, I take a deep breath in to push it down.

As they exit the stage, warmth slips over my hand. I glance down and see that Sophie has placed hers on top of mine. I didn’t forget that she was sitting there. How could I? But I was fully invested in my tiny mini on the stage doing her thing.

I refrain from looking at her, as I need these emotions to be mine and mine alone, but I take a risk and flip my hand over to see what she’ll do.

Without hesitation, she laces her fingers through mine, and if I hadn't already been on the verge of tears, this does it. I breathe in deep, let it go, and blink hard. While I have my friends, and they’re here for both of us, at this moment it feels like she’s finally here for me.