Wildflowers and Wide Receivers

33. Sophie

Chapter 33

Sophie

I t’s been an hour and a half since Jonah left, and I feel worse than I ever have before. When he realized I had gone to that interview and not told him, the look on his face wasn’t anger but complete and utter sadness.

Sadness that I felt ricochet through all of my bones. A sadness that’s a result of my decisions. A sadness he doesn’t deserve.

I didn’t lie to him. It was an unexpected flight and I did go see my father, I just didn’t tell him the whole truth. I wasn’t ready. I know people say that omission is lying, but I wasn’t sure what I was omitting. I wasn’t afraid of jinxing the situation by telling him, I just didn’t know what to say. Would our conversation have been about the interview? Or that my dream was never to stay here, but has always been to end up back in Minneapolis? How would any of this make him feel? I can tell you, it would have made him feel terrible.

Turns out I made him feel bad anyway.

I guess there really isn’t a way to prevent that, I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to discuss what all of this might mean with myself, my future, with him, with anyone.Especially when I don’t know.

I feel like I’m at a fork in the road. I’m living two separate lives. There’s this life that I’ve worked toward for my entire adult life, and then there’s this beautiful life that unexpectedly came out of nowhere. With his career, with mine, and add in Vivi, I don’t see a way for us to be able to make both roads work and that’s what leaves me completely frozen. Emotionally stunted as well as tongue-tied. It’s like everything I have ever wanted is right in front of me, and I just don’t know how to grab it.

But as I stare down the two different roads, I have a sinking feeling there’s one path I don’t even want anymore, and I’m still trying to reconcile that. What does that mean for me? What does that mean for my dad? What about all our plans? Am I just going to blow it up for someone I’ve not even been with that long? This dream that I wanted so bad? I’m thirty-three. Long distance isn’t something that I want, but a family is. Jonah and Vivi could be my family. At least, I think. He hasn’t said it, but I feel it deep in my bones.

Lying in bed, I’m flat on my back in the starfish position when my phone rings. Jonah’s name flashes across the screen, and panic streaks through me. I still don’t think I’m ready to have this conversation with him yet. How can I when I’m trying to figure things out myself?

But I can’t ignore him either. I respect him and quite frankly like him too much.

“Hey,” I say to him, trying not to sound like the sad person that I am even though I’m certain I’ve failed.

“Hey,” he says back, his voice thick and heavy.

“How’s Vivi?” I ask, really hoping to try to avoid the elephant in the room for as long as possible when it comes to us.

“She’s had better days. Can . . .” He pauses, and my stomach tightens anticipating what he’s going to say next. “Can you come over? She’s asking for you.”

I sit up straight and push my hair over my forehead and out of my face.

“She’s asking for me?”

“Yes,” he says on an audible exhale, and my heart starts racing.

“Of course I’ll come. Is there anything I should bring?” I ask as I slide off the bed and head for my bathroom to make myself somewhat presentable.

“Nope, just yourself.”

Pulling up to Jonah’s house, I’m equally nervous as I am concerned for Vivi.

What happened to her today?

I knock on the door, hear Molly bark, then step inside without waiting for it to be answered. I find them curled up on the couch, under a blanket, and they’re quietly watching some animal show on the television. Both of them track me with their eyes as I make my way across the room to them.

Gently, I sit down next to them on the couch, giving Vivi my full attention. Her sweet little face is puffy, and her eyes are red from what I’m assuming are tears. Slowly, I stretch my hand out in front of us for her to take, but instead, she scoots over and climbs into my lap, dragging her stuffed dolphin with her. I pull the blanket over us, wrap my arms around her, and lock eyes with Jonah.

His are a mixture of failure, sadness, and worry. The hazel in them is dull, and I hate whatever this is for both of them. I also can’t help but wonder how often this happens.

Sitting in silence, Jonah moves over next to us and he runs his arm along the backside of the couch to tuck us up against him. The three of us are cuddled together, and while I have no idea what’s happening, I’m guessing this is what she needs.

Turns out the animal show is an old show about a pet dolphin named Flipper. My heart squeezes with fondness for Jonah. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s gone out of his way to find every dolphin show for her there is. That’s the kind of man he is. Always putting others' needs before his.

Once the show ends, Jonah pauses the streaming. I take this as my cue. He wants me to try to get her to talk, so I shift us in my arms and look down at her.

“You want to tell me what happened today?”

She shrugs her shoulders and looks down at her stuffed animal.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to. But I find I always feel better after I’ve talked to my friends. Our friends and our family are our safe space. I also feel better when I’m baking cookies. Do you want to help me bake some cookies?”

She looks up at me with her big hazel eyes, leans in a little to hug me, then nods. She slides off my lap and takes my hand as we walk toward the kitchen.

From behind us, Jonah lets out a deep sigh. He doesn’t say anything, he just posts up at the large kitchen island and Molly circles, curious as to see what we’re up to.

“Do you want to help us? Might be fun to watch you crack some eggs with those big hands of yours?”

Both he and Vivi look at Jonah’s hands, he holds them out in front of him in a dramatic way, and then Vivi lets out a single giggle.

It’s not much, but we’re getting somewhere.

Together, we find all the ingredients needed to make peanut butter cookies since Jonah doesn’t have chocolate chips in his pantry. Using a recipe we found on my phone, we find flour, butter, peanut butter, brown sugar, regular sugar, eggs, vanilla, and baking powder. Vivi pulls a stool over that Jonah has specifically for this, and one by one, we follow the instructions to make the dough. It’s when we’re rolling the dough into balls for the baking sheet, she finally says, “I couldn’t remember them today.”

She glances Jonah’s way, almost like she’s afraid to tell him, and he gives her the softest, most understanding smile. It’s not full of condemnation, pity, or “there, there.” It’s one that says, I understand, and it’s going to be okay.

“I have that problem sometimes, too,” he tells her.

“Really?” Her eyes fill with new tears.

“Yes.”

“But I don’t want to forget them.”

“Wildflower, you will never truly forget them. Sometimes individual memories fade. There’s nothing we can do about that, but the big ones, the big things, like how much they loved you, we always remember that.”

“Do you still remember your mom?” she asks me.

“Of course I do. I don’t remember all the little day-to-day things we used to do, but I remember how she used to brush my hair, just like your mom braided yours. I remember how she used to tuck me in at night, how I felt when she hugged me, and I love to look at her pictures to see her smile.”

“I don’t want to forget them,” she says, tears from her innocent little heart spilling over.

“Oh, sweetheart, you won’t,” I tell her as I pull her into my arms, and some of the tension in her back leaves.

Hugs with children are such an important thing. I specifically remember a lecture that I attended which spoke about hugging and child development. The benefits are endless from emotional bonds, reduced stress, increased self-esteem, as well as boosting their immune systems.

At this, Jonah gets up, walks around the island, and enfolds us both in his arms. I know what we look like, and I definitely know what this feels like, I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to do from here. My heart aches for all of us, especially for Vivi, so I do the thing where I take the moment and lighten it.

“You know what we’ve just made, don’t you?”

Both of them look at me.

“A Vivi sandwich.”

Vivi smiles, and Jonah tightens his arms for another long beat before he releases us, and then his stomach growls.

We both laugh.

I guess we did work up an appetite earlier.

“I’m thinking cookies aren’t going to be enough for him. I mean, look at him.” I eye him up and down. He’s still wearing what he wore to my house and still looks good. “He’s kind of huge.”

Vivi giggles again. This time, it’s noticeable that some of the dark cloud that was hanging over her is gone.

“Can we make grilled cheese?” she asks him.

“Of course, but you’d better make me two.” He smiles at her, and I melt just like the cheese.

After dinner, cookies, and more Flipper, Vivi and I make our way upstairs to get her ready for bed. Other than sneaking in and out of Jonah’s room, I haven’t been inside any others, including hers. Which is absolutely beautiful. I shouldn’t have expected anything less, but what I find takes my breath away. The room is painted a pale pink, she has two windows on the outside wall draped in gauzy white, her canopy bed sits against one wall, and the other has a huge floor-to-ceiling painting that is a field of wildflowers. It’s bright and stunning, and just gorgeous.

As Vivi starts changing into her pajamas, I take the time to look around at the rest of the details. She has the standard things I would expect to see in a little girl’s room—a dollhouse, a craft table and easel, a soft pink rug, a bookshelf loaded with books, a ton of stuffed animals, she has a pretty chandelier, there are a few dance posters, but it’s the framed photos on the wall that leads to the bathroom that have caught my eye.

“Come here and tell me about these,” I say to her once she’s dressed.

Vivi walks over and I pick her up. She lays her head on my shoulder as she looks at them.

“That’s my mom and dad.”

“I recognize them from the pictures downstairs. You look like the perfect mixture of the two of them.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just stares at the photos.

“How old are you here?” I ask, pointing at the first one.

“One,” she says sweetly.

There are six pictures. Four in a row and then two are underneath them. It’s easy to see that it’s one picture for every year starting at one. What’s beautiful about the pictures is that each family photo is taken in a different field of wildflowers. The first four are of Vivi and her parents, and the next two are of her and Jonah.

“This is such a great idea. Whose idea was this?”

“I don’t know,” she says. “But Uncle Jonah thought we should keep them going. That’s why he’s in those. He planned trips for us both summers.”

“That sounds like a super fun tradition. And I bet it was your mom’s idea. From everything you and Jonah have said about her, she sounds like she would be sentimental and artistic.”

“She painted those, too.” Vivi shifts her weight and points toward the large painting of the wildflowers.

“She did?” I’m shocked. I thought this was something that Camille had found for her or Jonah had commissioned.

“Yes. It was on my wall in my old house. When we moved, Uncle Jonah had them cut the wall so we could bring it.”

Oh, my heart.

I love that he did that.

“Will you read me a story?”

“Of course I will.”