Worlds Collide (Fan Service #6)

16. Wolf

SIXTEEN

WOLF

I ignore CJ’s questions as I pull up the first sweatpants I find, and then a T-shirt.

Fucking Hawk.

I swear to God, if this is payback for the way he and Derek first got together I’m going to belt him.

I run out of my house the second I have shoes on and pound on my brother’s front door only a minute later.

“What?” he asks with an innocent fucking look on his face.

Bafflement, worry, annoyance.

Those are the only things on his face when he opens the door. I push it hard so it bangs against the wall and Hawk jumps from the loud sound.

“Wolfie—”

“No, don’t you fucking dare!” I scream at him. I’m over always protecting his fragile little feelings. “Fired! You said CJ had been fired because of me.”

“I didn’t, I—” He shakes his head furiously and his eyes are already filling up with tears. I don’t give a damn, not anymore.

“You said he lost his job because of the pictures, Hawk. That’s exactly what you said. And he didn’t. He was fucking suspended, and I’m done with you guilt tripping me into things. I’m done with your shame and your manipulations. You can take all that bullshit to your group full of saints. Oh, poor me. I love an alcoholic and I control every single thing they do because they’re useless without me ,” I mock him. “Poor, sweet, innocent Hawk, you had to give a sad interview to stop the world from finding out I was in rehab. Because that was embarrassing, wasn’t it? Yeah, fucking right. You knew exactly what you had to say to get me to agree to let CJ come here, and you said it. You always make me feel guilty about everything bad that happens to every-fucking-body, and I’m fucking done, you understand?”

“Wolf, please?—”

“No, fucking shut up! I’m done with this bullshit and I’m done with you. Stay the fuck away from me.”

I steel myself against the vicious twist in my heart at the sight of tears steadily streaming down my brother’s cheeks and just spin around and slam the door behind me.

I’m leaving this fucking place that’s never been mine anyway. It doesn’t matter that I have a house I built here, this is Hawk’s dream, and I’m done living my life according to him.

CJ is pacing right in front of my bed when I get back and I don’t even get to appreciate the masterpiece that is his chest because I’m fuming. I grunt at him and walk right on into my closet and get the little stool I had to buy to be able to reach the cabinets at the top.

“What the hell, Wolf? Where did you go?” he demands as I throw open three doors and get my big suitcases. “And where are you going?” he asks with more trepidation .

“I’m moving the fuck out.”

“But this is your home,” he says like he’s talking to a pissed off lion. He is.

“This is just a house, which I only had built on this land because of how fucking fused Hawk and I are but I’m done with him. So I’m going to my mom’s house.”

“Where’s that?” he asks hesitantly.

“Carmel-by-the-Sea,” I tell him shortly once I get everything I need and close the cabinets. Then I climb down and start getting pants, shorts, shirts, underwear, and everything else I can think of and dump them in the suitcase.

I snarl when I come across all the new outfits my brother got me and I dump them next to the suitcases. I should set that shit on fire in his front yard in case my little speech wasn’t clear enough.

“Wolf, stop,” CJ says and takes hold of my shoulders to stop me from grabbing any more pairs of sneakers. “First of all, wherever you’re going, you’re not going to need so many different pairs of sneakers, and second, just take a deep breath and please tell me what happened.”

I do as he says, and when I can finally focus on something else besides the pair of generic white Nikes, I see him worrying his bottom lip. I see the fear in his eyes, and the way he’s leaning a little bit away from me even while he’s still holding on to my shoulders.

I move on instinct.

Just wrap my arms around him and bury my face in the crook of his neck. I manage to hold the tears in—tears of pent-up resentment, not of sadness just to be clear—and only hug him harder when his hands land tentatively on my back.

“My brother told me you’d gotten fired. That you’d lost your job because of those pictures.” I speak right against his salty skin. “ That’s why I agreed to you staying here for a while, because I felt guilty.”

“You thought it was your fault,” he says as he realizes. Then he wraps his arms around me fully. “Oh, Wolf. I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault at all. It was my fault for being so careless?—”

“Not your fault,” is all I manage to say.

“It is. I should’ve made all those donations anonymously,” he says stubbornly. “And it’s also the fault of whoever took those pictures and sold them. But never your fault. And it’s only three months. Maybe a little less if people stop acting like assholes before that.”

“But it could be more?” I ask quietly.

“Yeah, I guess. But I really doubt it.” I manage another big breath after that and just let myself enjoy the hug. It’s been so long since anyone’s hugged me for more than a pat or a bro hug ... It feels nice.

“I really need to leave this place,” I tell him quietly, still unwilling to let go of him.

“I understand now, but you really scared me. I thought you were running away from me again.” He chuckles at the end, but I know he has more than enough evidence to believe I’d do that, and that’s just fucking sad.

I don’t want to do that anymore, though. When I’m with CJ I feel... well, good . And I don’t feel that way about anything these days so... I slowly step back, not really wanting to, but needing CJ to see I mean what I’m about to tell him.

“I don’t want to run away from you, CJ. Trust me, I don’t?—”

“Why does it feel like you’re about to say buuuut ?” he asks with a sad smile.

“Because I’m leaving. I’m done with Hawk making me feel like shit for even existing. I’m done with letting him. I already feel like shit stuck to the bottom of an old shoe without him helping. I need to leave.” I end on a whisper.

“Then let me go with you.” I open and close my mouth to say something about fifty times but I just can’t answer him for the longest time. Thankfully, he keeps going. “Let me take you far away where they won’t be able to bother you. I feel like shit a lot of the time too,” he says and looks away. “I’m not saying I know what you feel, because I don’t, but today, it was good, right?” I nod wordlessly. “I felt good just goofing off with you, and seeing you bite back your laughs at my awesome jokes.”

I snort at that but he keeps going before I can tell him his jokes aren’t that good—oh well, it would’ve been a lie anyway.

“I have a little less than three months to kill, a plan to put together on where I’m going to spend billions of dollars—that you can help with if you want—and you’ve got to figure out what you want your relationship with your brother to be like from now on.” I start to shake my head but again he just keeps going. “You two love each other, Wolf, don’t tell me you don’t because I was here on Hawk and Derek’s wedding day, and I know that kind of love when I see it, so don’t argue. But you have to put yourself first for once when it comes to him and I think that some time away might help you figure out what that is.

“The way you exploded today only happened because you’ve never fought, and because you’ve been keeping it all in, am I wrong?” he demands with a raised eyebrow and I shake my head. “So why don’t you just run away with me?” He ends it with a beautiful, mischievous smile that makes me want to promise him I’ll follow him forever and to the end of the world if that’s where he wants to lead me.

But . . .

“I’m no good for anyone, CJ.” I tell him the hard truth .

“That’s not true, Wolf. You’re?—”

“You need to listen to me,” I interrupt. “I need to be alone, really alone, and just get my shit together. You’re going to be better off if you just step back right now and never see me again.”

“I don’t believe that.” He sets his jaw and looks at me, resolute.

“What more evidence do you need?” I spread my arms so he can see all of me. “I’m a recovering alcoholic musician who isn’t even making any music. I have nothing to do other than to be pissed off. The one family member I’m close to doesn’t trust me enough to treat me like an adult, CJ. I’m not even one year sober and I already fucked up the celibacy rule with you. Nothing I do is right, and nothing I want to do is sane. All I want is to be left the fuck alone so that if I screw up at least I’ll be the only one I’m hurting.” My chest heaves with harsh breaths but CJ doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by my rant.

What else can I tell him so he’ll believe me?

“I don’t believe for a second that you being alone is the only way for you to start building the life you really want to have. I also don’t have anyone, not really.”

“Yes, you do,” I argue loudly. “You have your parents, Adam, his whole family, and you have so many friends . I have Rich,” I say, knowing exactly how pathetic it is. “And he’s my employee. I bet he’d run the other way screaming if he didn’t feel so damn sorry for me.”

“Please, that man is your friend and you know it. Don’t belittle him or the friendship you’ve built.” Now CJ is screaming at me. Good, maybe this will do the trick. “In any case, hiding away by yourself isn’t going to solve any problems.”

“Then what is it, oh wise one,” I mock. “That’s actually going to help me? ”

“Just come with me. Take some time away, but don’t run away, Wolf. There’s a difference. And I need some time away too.”

I let out a big breath because I don’t even know why I’m trying to convince him to cut me loose. I don’t know why I do any of the things I do, and I’m fucking exhausted from trying to understand. I only want to keep feeling the way I felt today. I want to feel like I’m not just making everyone’s life harder and more complicated, or like my existence is the cause of my brother’s pain. And maybe it’s time I just... try.

“CJ,” I start quietly. “I’m a fucking loose cannon.” I mean for it to sound like a warning. I don’t want him to believe even for a second that he’s not in the firing line, because everyone is, especially him. He’s the one who’s making me so fucking crazy with feelings.

“I know that—” he starts.

“Do you really?” I ask dubiously.

“I’ve already suffered through one of your outbursts, haven’t I? And you apologized and that’s all I need. I don’t want you to change, Wolf. I like you like this. A hot-headed bull seems like the perfect man to me.”

I think he’s joking, but maybe not?

Oh God, what if he’s not? What if he does like me like this? I don’t like me like this—mostly because no one’s ever really liked me. My brother has tolerated me all these years, I know that’s true, but I guess Derek does like me. Or at least he used to...

“Fuck,” I hiss down at my feet then look up at CJ. “Fine, but you’re going to regret giving me any kind of say as to where all that money goes.”

“I don’t think I will. Now, why don’t you go through the house and grab anything you want to take with you and I’ll finish packing up here. I know what you’ll need. ”

“Okay, but please pack some clothes. I know you secretly want to keep me as your sex slave, but we do have to go out sometimes.”

He snorts and shoves me toward the closet door. “Go.”

I don’t know how, but he just made me smile less than an hour after one of the most upsetting things that have happened in my life.

CJ is his own kind of magic, and I want to bask in him.

I go through the house, thinking that I might not actually get back here for longer than three months. With the way I’m feeling right now, I really don’t think being close to Hawk is possible at all, so I pack up two of my guitars, all my Mom’s notebooks, and my own. I grab a few hard drives and my laptop, and lastly, I take my favorite photo of Mom. I don’t know exactly when it was taken, but it had to have been around her early twenties when she arrived in LA with Aunt Lyla, because she looks like a baby.

It’s the way I always want to remember her.

I go up and find CJ muttering to himself, something about a steamer? And he’s folding my shirts neatly.

“You’re gonna have a real hard time with me if you’re a neat freak.”

“Please,” he scoffs without looking up—I guess he heard me coming. “I’m just neat. You’re a slob. I have to go to the cottage to get my things, but I’ll be back?—”

“I’m done packing.” I put everything I collected in the second suitcase and close it without another thought.

“Fine,” CJ says with a sigh and an eye roll then stands. “You’re gonna need your passport.” He kisses me quickly, and leaves me temporarily shut off or some shit then walks by me. “I’ll just go quick?—”

“Wait,” I tell him urgently. “I’ll go get Rich and we’ll meet you up there with the car so you don’t have to bring you bags here.”

“Oh, good idea.” He nods and walks away .

“Passport?” I whisper to myself. Where the hell is he taking me?

“Italy?” I demand when CJ finally tells me. I nagged him while we drove all the way to LA so he could get some things, including his passport, from his apartment. But it’s only now, after he’s back in the SUV and his suitcase is in the trunk, that he’s finally told me.

“Yes. The best place in the world.”

“Uhh.” I stall for something to say. Just the thought of being so far away from home...

From Hawk and Derek.

Fuck. Okay, looks like we’re going to fucking Italy.

“I don’t know about the best,” I say, just to contradict him. I’m nice like that. God, what does the guy see in me?

“It is. Especially Lake Como. The villa is a bit old fashioned, but all the bathrooms were updated a couple of years ago, I think.” He frowns to himself but then looks back up and smiles. “It’s hard to get there unless you have a boat because the road is narrow and twisty and all of that, but we have a boat.” He smiles triumphantly but Rich, the mean man, bursts his bubble.

“We’re going to need a vehicle,” he says without mercy.

“There are cars at the villa,” CJ says without missing a beat. “We’ll get the boat from the marina in Como, and sail over to the house and park the boat there.”

“Do you know how to drive a boat?” I ask CJ, kinda expecting him to say obviously, I’m a trust fund baby . But once more, Rich butts in.

“I do.”

“Of course you do,” I mutter .

“What’s that?” he asks from the front. “You’re thankful I’m going with you so no crazies kill you? Aww, don’t mention it, it’s my job . And no matter how hard you make it, I’ll do it.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I say, sarcasm dripping from every word.

“Why are you being mean to Rich?” CJ asks, not judgmentally, but adorably curious.

“I’m not being mean?—”

“Because I told him he should text his brother and tell him I’m with him, so he doesn’t have a stroke at thirty because he’s so worried.”

“Ah,” is all CJ says and nods. But he doesn’t say anything else.

“What do you mean, ‘ah’?” I demand.

“I meant just that, ah. It makes sense that it would annoy you. And don’t growl at me,” he says, then sticks his tongue out at me.

“I didn’t growl,” I growl.

“You growled,” Rich says helpfully at the same time as CJ.

“You totally growled, Max.”

“Fuck,” I snap. Now Rich is gonna?—

“Max?” Rich asks, playing innocent.

“Shut up,” I mutter.

“It’s my nickname for him, because he acts like a doggie,” CJ explains, super helpfully .

“I changed my mind,” I shout over Rich’s laughter. “Take me to Carmel.”

“No backsies,” CJ sing-songs.

“Great.”

It actually is pretty damn great.