Worlds Collide (Fan Service #6)

20. CJ

TWENTY

CJ

Going back to rehab. I’m really sorry, I told you I’m no good for anyone. You can tell whoever you want how much of an asshole I am and bitch for the rest of forever. I really am sorry.

Max

A sob catches in my throat.

“Seriously?!” I scream at the empty room—and empty house.

I don’t know how long ago Wolf left, but I know he did, and he more than likely took Rich with him. Especially if what he wrote is true.

And he signs it with the nickname I gave him?

This man is the most stubborn, infuriating, broken, and fucking annoying person on the planet.

Why do I like him again?

My anger—and the tirade I was about to start since I have no one to witness it—gets interrupted by the ringing of my phone.

I’m not proud of how fast I lunge at it when the thought that it might be Wolf calling flits through my brain, but it is what it is.

And it isn’t Wolf calling me, but Hawk.

“Oh, my God, is he okay?” I demand.

“What the fuck did you do to him? My brother is alone with you for a week and he relapses? Seriously?” Hawk screams over the phone.

“Wha—” I don’t even get the full word out before he’s screaming at me again. I get lost in my head while he screeches. Honestly, whatever he tells me can’t hurt more than what Wolf said to me last night.

It’s amazing, though, I’ve never heard Hawk angry. He sounds just like Wolf, in that he’s growling a lot, only more high-pitched.

“You stay the fuck away from him, you understand? Do. You. Understand?” The pointed question brings me back to the present. The one where I can’t really disassociate by thinking about Hawk’s tone and penchant for screaming.

The present, where I seriously don’t deserve to take any more fucking abuse from either of the Storm brothers, so instead of answering l, I just hang up.

Maybe this is what Wolf meant when he said his brother is controlling and manipulating his life. It seems well-intended enough, for sure. But I can see how it could get tiring.

Wait, no I don’t have to defend Wolf. Even if I think he might be right, I won’t defend him.

Where did he go? Is he flying back home? Back to the ranch he wanted to escape more than anything a week ago?

I look down at my phone and pull up Wolf’s contact, he can’t just run away from me again. He can’t? —

No. Pull yourself together and have some dignity, dammit.

This time I’m not going to be worrying over him or seeking him out. Like he said in the stupid-ass note, he warned me about this. So I’m going to believe him.

Besides, he has Rich with him, and he won’t let anything happen to Wolf.

I go down and find three empty bottles—so he kept going after I went up—but there’s no big mess, nothing that screams “an addict had a relapse right here.”

I walk over to Rich’s room and find it neat as a pin. It stupidly makes me feel better, breathe easier.

Not because there’s no mess to pick up like in my bedroom—though I wouldn’t expect anything less from Rich—but because this is confirmation that he is with Wolf.

And I won’t be.

For real now.

Ever again.

I sit on the side of the bed slowly, trying to keep my legs from giving out on me.

I’m alone. Actually alone this time, and I feel every mile between me and anyone who gives a fuck about me—deeply, like a fucking wound. I have no job, no family, and definitely not a man to share my life with.

I still have more than two months until I’m even allowed to call Dr. Yang to ask about my suspension. What the hell am I going to do?

I look around and will myself to build a wall around my heart.

I have to get back to my original plan. The one where I was going to figure out who I really am and build myself a life I’m happy to live. Only one step of the plan was about exploring my bisexuality with Wolf, not all of it, so I’ll just get back to that .

I walk out to find Alessia picking up the patio table.

“I’m going back home now, Alessia.”

“So soon, signore?”

“Si,” I tell her with a sad smile. “I will be back soon, though,” I promise her. I don’t know how I could ever make that happen with the way my schedule will be for the next three and a half years, but I need to claim this house back as my own too. The only way to erase every memory I made with Wolf here is to make new ones. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I find a direct flight from Milan to New York that leaves me enough time to pack up all my stuff and to get there three hours before, so I book it and then get to work.

I realize the mess around the suitcases is from Wolf pulling stuff out of the closet to find everything that belonged to him. He took all the clothes I got him in Milan and that doesn’t enrage me for some reason when I thought it would’ve.

At least he’ll be well dressed while he’s out being an asshole.

I feel like it should be two days later when I land in JFK, but it’s the same day—only three in the afternoon instead of nine p.m.

I didn’t tell Adam or Carter that I’d be coming here. I figured I’d tell them the next day or week—depending on when I felt less like the biggest loser in the world. But when I climb out of the cab in front of my brownstone, I see that some lights are on inside.

After a quick bout of panic, I remember the house was full of art when I was last here, and Carter had agreed to sort everything out on that end for me.

In exchange I let him live here for free and keep an eye on the place .

Guess I’ll have to be pathetic in front of my friends after all.

“Carter?” I call out after I open the door with my phone.

“CJ?” I hear the confusion in his voice. Then he’s walking out of the kitchen and into the foyer where I lean against the wall, my suitcases in front of me. “You look like crap, mate,” he tells me helpfully.

“Yeah,” I say while I do my best to smile.

“What happened?” he asks, clearly worried now.

“I fell in love with him,” I say automatically and realize it’s the first time I’ve ever even let myself think that word in correlation to Wolf.

“Who?” He looks even more worried now as he walks over to me and takes a good hold of my shoulders.

“Wolf,” I whisper. “I fell in love with him and he left me. Again, ” the last word comes out in a whine. I won’t cry, dammit. I won’t let myself cry over this. I’ve been through worse things and just breathed through it.

Carter is silent for a long moment and then he squares his shoulders like he’s ready for battle. “So he’s going to die,” he says like it’s a foregone conclusion.

I can’t help but snort even though it is a pretty sad and pathetic snort—like me.

“No he won’t.” At least I hope not. “I just have to?—”

“Call Adam and have him hire a contract killer,” Carter interrupts. “Oh, wait, you’re richer now. You hire someone.”

“Stop,” I beg, though it’s with a chuckle mixed in there. “I’m not having Wolf killed. What part of ‘I love him’ do you not get?” I let out a big breath and move around him to go into the kitchen.

Like all the other properties, my mother had the brownstone renovated not too long ago, so it’s as modern and useful as possible. Not for her though, never for her, since she almost always travels with a housekeeper and a butler—god, she’s such a snob.

I get a glass of water and then go to the living room. Carter follows me around and looks at me like he doesn’t quite know what to do. I don’t blame him. I’ve never told him I’m in love with anyone because I’ve never been in love.

How do I know I’m in love with Wolf? Well, it’s simple.

I imagined my whole life with him, and I felt like someone ripped out my right arm when I found out he left.

Our week in Italy changed everything for me. Before that, I could still kid myself into thinking I was just enjoying having sex with a man. But I got to know how funny he is, how much he cares about Rich being comfortable and getting enough sleep, and I found out he loves Star Wars—which is one of my obsessions.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to have to rethink everything about the rest of my life again. Reimagine it all.

“I’m calling Adam,” Carter declares suddenly. “I have no idea what to do here, mate, and I don’t think getting you pissed is going to solve anything.”

It takes me a second to realize he’s not talking about me being angry but about getting me drunk.

“Why not?” I’m so confused.

“’Cause Wolf is sober,” he tells me absentmindedly while he looks at his phone.

“What? You know?”

“Ah, yes,” he says with a silent ‘duh’ in there. “You didn’t?” he asks, finally looking up at me.

“Yes, he told me, but how the hell do you know?”

“Everyone knows?”

“What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t know before he told me. ”

“I don’t know,” he shrugs. “We all just knew he had a problem from the few times we met him last year, and at Derek’s birthday, you remember?”

“I couldn’t go to that,” I tell him through clenched teeth.

“Well, he partied hard. And the same last February when he played at the Super Bowl show in New Orleans and Derek brought them to celebrate George’s win after. He drank a lot there too. And then this year at the Super Bowl he didn’t drink at all, same at all the weddings. So everyone just figured...” He trails off when he finally focuses back on my face.

I’m pretty sure my jaw is about to hit the floor.

“Everyone? Who’s everyone?” I demand.

“Adam, Sebas, Mike, Theo... oh, Glenn and George too.”

“Why didn’t I know anything about it?” I ask, not really sure why I’m asking. I don’t know if I would’ve liked to gossip about Wolf like this. I don’t like that anyone gossiped about him to be perfectly honest.

“CJ,” he says like he’s talking to a little kid. “You’re working all the time. You haven’t been to a lot of events over the years because of med school and then this year because of your residency. And it’s not like we talked about it all the damn time. We just talked about it one time after Mike’s wedding.”

I’m still not happy about all of them knowing when it wasn’t Wolf himself who told them. It seems like such a private thing.

“It’s no big deal, mate. He’s the best big brother ever to Hawk and one of the best musicians alive. We all know that it doesn’t mean anything.”

“This is probably why Adam was being such an asshole,” I realize as I say it.

“What do you mean?” Carter asks, clearly curious as he sits next to me .

“Since Derek’s wedding, Adam has been short and like, aggressive to Wolf.”

“He has?” Carter sounds dubious and looks away. “I honestly don’t remember because I took advantage of all the weddings to let loose this year.”

“Yeah, I remember,” I mumble. The memory of carrying Carter through the sand then up the stairs to the room he was supposed to share with Wolf isn’t one I’m likely to forget soon.

“Anyway, drinking away your pain which was caused by a sober guy leaving you high and dry just seems wrong, so we’re going to have to take care of this in a healthier way.”

“What way is that?” I ask, already tired of so much talking.

“Talking it through.”

I groan and fall sideways on the couch to lie down. I really don’t want to do that, but Wolf did tell me to bitch about him to anyone I wanted, and with Carter’s confession I feel like I might not betray Wolf if I do speak about everything that’s happened between us.

Why I should be concerned about betraying him, I really don’t know, but I am. And with all the things I’m going to have to force myself to do—forget about Wolf, stop waiting for him to call me, stop wanting to call him—I think I should get some leeway on this one and just give myself a break.

“All right,” I say and let out a big sigh. “You can call Adam.”

“He’s almost here, mate,” Carter tells me like the smartass he is. “Thank God his game is on Monday this week.”

“ Without a word ?” Adam shouts. “He just wasn’t there when you woke up?” He’s mad. He’s really, really mad. Maybe I should be as mad as he is, but I’m not. It’s what I should’ve known Wolf was going to do.

“I should’ve realized we were never going to work,” I tell them, like Adam isn’t about to burst a blood vessel in his brain any second. “Why would it ever work when I?—”

“You’re goddamn perfect,” Adam interrupts me, still shouting, still pacing on the other side of the coffee table. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

I appreciate his loyalty, I do, but... “Adam,” I say slowly, running out of patience. “I have no idea who I am. Hell, my name doesn’t even mean anything to me. I know I’m a doctor and I’m bisexual, but that’s about it. Everything else I’ve ever done was dictated by my parents. What sports I played, what clothes I wore, where I went on vacation... everything. I fucking asked Wolf to run away with me like that would make all the other shit go away. Like when I came back I wouldn’t be the heir to a fortune of blood money. Like not everyone in fucking LA wanted me to pay off their bills. Like I would magically have a job where no one would remember I was suspended.

“I was deluding myself, and I just brought Wolf down with me,” I say like a confession. “Hawk was right, it was all my fault.”

“What?” Carter asks, very low, and for the first time in a long time, I see true anger in his eyes. “What did you just say?”

“Well,” I start with trepidation. Now I wish I had just kept my mouth shut. But there’s no turning back now. “Hawk called me a little while after I realized Wolf was gone. He just asked what I’d done, then he shouted at me a lot.”

“And what else did he say?” Adam asks, voice also deadly calm.

I shake my head at him. I really don’t want to cause problems in the friends group. Hawk is Derek’s husband, and he’s protective of his brother, and I also am not one hundred percent sure that he was wrong in blaming me for Wolf’s relapse.

“He blamed you?” Carter asks.

I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place, so I just keep my mouth shut and look away.

“That little?—”

“Bloody wanker,” Carter finishes for Adam when he can’t seem to find the words.

“Guys,” I tell them, panic filling me up. It gives me a boost as I try to find the words to diffuse this situation, but even with that I’m too tired to come up with anything more than the simple truth. “He’s not wrong, and he’s only worried about Wolf. They had a huge fight right before we left.”

“Yes, you told us this already, but knowing how his brother is, he should know better than to blame an innocent bystander for Wolf’s fuck-up.” Adam stares me down like he’s daring me to contradict him.

And that’s just enough for me.

“Wolf did not fuck up!” I shout at him and stand too. “He’s an addict, and newsflash, that’s a disease, Adam. Yes he relapsed, yes he said mean things, but that doesn’t make him a bad person. Exactly like I know you’re not a bad person even though you’ve been a huge asshole to Wolf because he’s an addict.”

“Addicts are always bad people, CJ!” he shouts back. “Look at Glenn’s parents, or at Luke’s Dad. You really think they’ve got any good inside them?” he demands.

“You’re fucking stupid if you think all addicts are like them. They were shitty people, Adam. They were heartless and vicious, that’s true, but Wolf isn’t. He got help, he was trying to be better, and he kept quiet while his brother was just making him feel even shittier. And you with your almighty pride and high horse, looking down at him with your perfect career, perfect husband, perfect parents, perfect supportive family, and perfect fucking life don’t get to judge him, ” I scream at the top of my lungs. “You don’t get to decide when an addict is good or bad. Wolf never hurt anyone but himself, not even me. And now I think you should get the fuck out of my house. Go home and get some good fucking rest so you can get that giant head out of your stupid ass.”

With that, I walk out of the room and go up the stairs to my room to be really alone, the way I should’ve been all along.