Worlds Collide (Fan Service #6)

23. Wolf

TWENTY-THREE

WOLF

“All right,” Derek says in a serious tone.

“Sure,” I agree quietly, and try to settle back on my seat and get comfortable. Sadly, the uncomfortable feeling is coming from inside, so no matter how much I shift in my seat it’s not going away.

“Hawk, why don’t we start with you?” Adrian smiles at my brother.

“Okay,” Hawk answers meekly, making me grind my molars in annoyance. It’s annoying because he’s a grown man for fuck’s sake—he should never sound that way—but also because it’s annoying how much I want to protect him.

Nothing is threatening him, there’s nothing to protect him from. He fucked up and he’s only acting this way because he wants to get out of this.

“Wolf told me you two fought two weeks ago, will you tell me your side of that, please?”

“Yeah,” he says quietly then clears his throat. “So Wolfie had been seeing CJ—” I interrupt him with a grunt. “Or I thought he had, but I didn’t want to pester him with questions because he clearly didn’t want to talk about it. But CJ got suspended from his job.” I literally bite my tongue to stop myself from interrupting him there. “He told me all about that and I just figured he could come to the ranch and stay a while. But CJ told me to ask Wolfie first.

“So I called Wolfie and I screwed up there.” He stops again to take a deep breath. “I said he lost his job instead of being suspended, and I guess that made Wolfie think it was his fault, and then he talked to CJ and found out it was only a suspension, so he came to my place and we fought.”

“Is that all?” Adrian asks, impassive. Hawk nods and straightens his arms with hands locked between his legs, but then he looks up and bites his lower lip the way he does when he knows he has to say something he doesn’t want to say. “Then?—”

“Actually,” Hawk interrupts and looks at me then quickly away. He turns to Derek, who nods and throws an arm over Hawk’s shoulders. “When Wolf relapsed, Rich called Dee, and Dee told me and I—” He cuts himself off by literally covering his mouth.

“What?” I demand. It takes him forever but finally he answers.

“I called CJ,” he whispers. “I said awful things, and told him to stay away from you.”

I grip the armrests as hard as I can to stop myself from lunging at my brother, but I do accept in that moment, that there’s no way in hell we’re going to have a peaceful, quiet conversation.

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” I mutter darkly and stare at the side of his face. “You had no right.” I’m still fighting hard not to scream at him.

“I know,” he whispers, still not looking at me. He nods a few times and wipes away a tear.

“Stop fucking crying,” I snap at him. “You don’t fucking get to cry!” And there’s the scream which at least gets Hawk to look at me.

“Wolf,” Adrian says urgently. “Let’s all calm down.” But I’m way past suggestions for peaceful and productive conversations.

“You’re a controlling piece of shit, Hawk, and either you stop—like stop for real and understand that you don’t have any say over me or my life or my drinking—or I promise you, I will never speak to you again,” I tell him, slowly standing up. “You think you know what I need. That you know what’s best for me. Fucking inviting CJ to the ranch when I kept running away from him to save us both the pain. Buying a huge fucking ranch so I don’t have to socialize with anyone because that wouldn’t be good for me, would it? And of course we can’t have the world believing I’m not perfect right, Birdie ?” I say his nickname with derision.

“What makes you say that?” Hawk asks, confused.

“Because addiction is something to be ashamed of, right?!” I demand raising my voice again.

“Hey, back off,” Derek says, standing and squaring up to me. The dude could take me out in two seconds flat. I know this, he knows this. But I. Don’t. Care.

“No, you back off. You don’t get to save him from this, okay? You don’t get to decide when he’s done something right or wrong, Derek. He. Is. My . Brother. And he fucked me over, okay? Oh, but it’s all to protect me.” I mock pout, looking down at Hawk again. “Bullshit! It’s to protect himself. It’s to make sure no one knows anything more about what a screw-up I am, isn’t it?” I focus hard on Hawk and his stunned look. The lone tear sliding down his cheek and his sad look all do nothing to me this time.

He can’t get out of this conversation—of facing the consequences of his actions—just because he’s sensitive. Just because he’s hurting too .

Because then what would happen to my hurt?

What about what I feel? What I need?

“You’ve known about codependency a lot fucking longer than I’ve known about addiction, so please explain to me how you didn’t realize how fucked up it was to ask me to hide my addiction? How did you not realize that it would only make everything inside me boil up again, huh?” I’m screaming now, and I don’t care. “No, don’t look away. Don’t hide from this. You fucked up, Hawk. You made me feel like the lowest scum in the world and now you have to face it, even if you don’t want to. You’re a fucking adult, so act like it for once. Tell me why ,” I scream the last word.

“I’m sorry,” he screams back at the same time as Derek shoves me—very lightly for him, but I still look at him, feeling the betrayal to the marrow of my bones.

“Stop,” he growls at me, and that just makes me want to punch his stupid perfect nose. Hawk stands and shouts before I can though.

“Derek, leave.” I actually stumble a little at the surprise of hearing my brother say those words.

“What?” Derek asks in a whisper.

“You’re not acting like Wolf’s friend right now. You’re acting like my husband, and that’s fine. But if that’s all you can do, then you have no place here.” A beat of silence where we all just stare at Hawk, breathing hard. “Wolfie’s right. I fucked up and I didn’t realize. I thought I was helping but all I was, was stupid, na?ve, and cruel. He’s right, and if you can’t see that, if you won’t let him speak to me like he needs to, then you have to leave. Right. Now.”

I see Derek swallow hard as he lets his arms fall limp at his sides. After a long moment, he nods at Hawk and leaves without looking back at me.

I’m not sure why, but that’s what finally breaks me .

He won’t even look at me.

He won’t even try to be my friend again.

“Fuck,” I whisper furiously and stumble back to my chair, fall helplessly, and cover my face as the tears pour out of my eyes. It’s just too much.

“Wolfie, I’m so sorry.” Hawk speaks through sobs, and he repeats it over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

What a waste of a good therapist’s hour.

In the end we don’t set limits, we don’t talk at all really for the remaining thirty minutes. We just sit apart and cry.

“Hawk, would you be able to come back tomorrow?” Adrian asks eventually. “As you may know, Wolf’s recovery depends on him having a support system to go to once his treatment here is over. It’s imperative that we build or find an environment where he can heal and form better habits once he’s out of here.”

“What do you mean find?” Hawk asks, tears still evident in his eyes. “Like, not living with us anymore?” There’s a desperation in his tone that actually makes me feel sorry for him.

“Yes,” Adrian says without hesitation. “We talked about this last time, and you all decided against it, so you found a way to live apart while still being extremely close. It didn’t work, so this time we have to try something new.”

I still can’t speak, feeling the loss of my friendship with Derek too keenly. It’s definite now. There’s no turning back from what happened here, and I just know I will never get him back. Maybe it’s the way it has to be, the way it should be. It’s just something I will have to get used to.

“I’ll be here tomorrow,” Hawk says quietly, then he stands and after looking at me for a long moment, leaves too.

“You up for staying for a couple more minutes?” Adrian asks me, painfully gentle .

I nod wordlessly.

“Just tell me—put it into words—what made you cry?”

“Derek,” I reply simply, but I realize he’s going to want more from me so I just get on with it. “He’s no longer my friend. He’ll never again be my friend, not mine in any way.”

“Okay,” Adrian whispers. “Do you think, right now, you believe you can work through this with your brother?”

“Of course I believe that,” I snap at him, though not as harshly as I normally would. “He’s my brother. I might be prepared to cut him off if he doesn’t let me live my life, but that doesn’t mean I would ever want to do that.”

“Good,” he says with a nod and a slight smile. “Then tomorrow we’ll work on it with him. We’ll set clear boundaries, and you can tell him what we worked on all week.”

I wince at that. “Do I have to?”

“Yes. He can’t possibly understand you if you don’t tell him. He probably doesn’t even remember, Wolf.”

“I know,” I relent. “Fine. See you tomorrow.”

“Same time,” he calls out as I’m walking out the door.

I find Rich there, clearly trying to disguise the pity he feels for me. Just as well, I guess.

“I got you shitty ice cream,” he says and brings both hands forward to show me the two cups of low-fat, low-sugar, low-happiness ice cream.

“Yay,” I say deadpan, but reach for a cup.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Nope,” I tell him without hesitation. “Thanks for the ice cream but I’m just going to go to my room now.”

“Okay.” He nods and walks with me—his room is next to mine after all .

When I throw away the empty cup and lie down in my bed, all I can think is that at least tomorrow can’t be any worse than today.

“Should I say anything about Derek?” Hawk asks as soon as our session begins.

I can only shrug in response, but thankfully Adrian takes over.

“I think that might not be helpful today.” His voice is gentle and firm at the same time, and I do appreciate it. I don’t feel up to dealing with that today. “How about we start with limits? Hawk, why don’t you go first. What are your limits for Wolf?”

“Oh, well, I don’t know...” He trails off with a frown and brings his hand up to bite his thumbnail. “I guess one limit is your drinking. I won’t support you drinking ever again, and I can’t be around you and see you hurting yourself so much.”

“That’s good, can you think of any others?”

“Not right now,” he says quietly.

“Okay then, we’ll continue with yours, Wolf.”

I nod and take out my notebook, flipping it open to the final draft of my limit list. Then I take a deep breath and just go for it.

“I don’t want you to ever lie or hide the fact that I’m an addict. I don’t care about the consequences, and I also don’t care about what people think. This is about what I think and what you think. If you hide my addiction then it tells me that you believe it’s shameful and wrong when it’s a disease.”

“Okay,” Hawk agrees immediately, eyes wide so I know I have his full attention.

“Next one is that I want you to go back to being completely honest with me. No tiptoeing around me. Don’t treat me like I’m fragile. If you believe I’m fragile then that’s your issue, but don’t treat me like I am.”

“I don’t think you’re fragile. I think you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met,” he tells me quietly. A small knot forms in the base of my throat but I just swallow hard and move past it.

“I don’t ever want you to speak on my behalf. Like with Theo and Mike’s wedding this year. I didn’t want to go, but you told them I would without consulting me and just expected me to go along—which I did. The fact that I don’t regret going is irrelevant.”

“I get that.”

“You only asked me about CJ staying at the ranch because he insisted. You didn’t think of me at that moment, and I need you to consider me and my needs when it comes to things like that. If you don’t then I’ll get mad, but from now on I won’t just go along with these things, I’ll speak up.”

That time, Hawk only nods.

“Last one is that I don’t want you to make me your first priority because from now on you won’t be mine. You’re my brother and I love you and I want you to always be happy, but it’s not my job to make you happy, and your happiness shouldn’t be dependent on me just like mine shouldn’t be dependent on you. That’s why I’ve decided...” I trail off to take a deep breath. This one is going to be hard. “I’ve decided to start writing by myself again. I won’t make an album by myself—I would never do that—but I might give songs to other artists, I might keep them to myself, I might save them for us, but I can’t stop writing.”

Hawk just stares open mouthed for a long, eternal moment, but then he nods once as he blinks slowly. “Okay,” he draws out the word but at least he’s not whispering anymore. “I just thought of another limit.”

“Let’s hear it.” I nod encouragingly .

“I know where your mind is going, Wolf. You might think I’m stupid—and okay, sometimes I act pretty stupid, but I know you better than anyone, so I know where all of this is going to end. My limit is that we see each other at least once a month.”

I have to look away, damn him. Of course he already knows.

“Once a month,” I agree without argument.

“Another limit is that I don’t ever want to get into another fight like the one before you left or the one yesterday. I know it might not be possible since, like I mentioned, I can act stupid sometimes, and you’re infuriating sometimes too, but I don’t want you to keep quiet anymore. Because I’m sensitive but I’m not fragile, Wolfie. I can take it.”

“Okay.” The word is barely audible because for the first time in I don’t know how long, I didn’t feel rage when he called me Wolfie. “Okay, Birdie,” I try it out and it feels like a fist just let go of my heart.

“Good.” He smiles happily and a tear does fall this time, but it’s so fucking different. Everything might be different now, but in the best way ever.

“Well, damn.” Adrian speaks and it reminds me he’s in the room with us. “If only all my sessions went this well.” He chuckles and I let myself smile, just a little. “Before we wrap this up until we meet again on Friday, Wolf, you remember that one more thing?” he asks with a pointed look.

“Oh, shit. Right, uh—” How the fuck am I supposed to shift the mood now? We’re all going to be depressed after this. “The night Dad died, uh, I don’t know if you remember?—”

“Very little,” Hawk interrupts.

“Yeah, so what happened is... You see, the reason why... Fuck!” I snap at myself. Why can’t I just spit it out?

“You can tell me,” Hawk whispers .

“Dad got mad ’cause you wouldn’t stop screaming. And you wouldn’t stop screaming because I kept tickling you. So he—okay, you know what he did to you even if you don’t remember.”

“I do,” he confirms, his eyebrows low, like he doesn’t understand why I’m bringing all this up.

“It’s all my fault, Birdie.”

“What?” Now he looks completely lost.

I nod. “All of it. If I had just stopped then Mom wouldn’t have come in right when you were flying across the living room, and she wouldn’t have killed him, and?—”

“Jesus, no!” he shouts at me. “Wolf, are you fucking for real?” He looks pissed. Why does he look pissed?

“Yes, if I’d just?—”

“No, just stop!” he shouts again and holds his palm up to my face. “Dad made the choice to beat me around like a punching bag when I was just five damn years old. He broke your arm. Mom decided to shoot him. None of that is your fault. You were just a kid, Wolf.”

“But I knew how Dad would get and I didn’t?—”

“Okay, I have a new limit,” he interrupts me loudly.

“What now?” I demand in a growl, impatient.

“You are not allowed to think our parents did what they did just because you acted like a normal child.”

“What?” I spit out the question.

“That’s my limit. Every time you say or think shit like that, my limit dictates that you have to rip out a few hairs in your forearm.”

I can only stare up at him.

“That’s not how limits work, Birdie,” I say, trying to be gentle because shit, does he actually think that’s gonna work? “I remember that night. I’m the only person still alive who was there for all of it?— ”

“You saw your father die right in front of you!” Hawk shouts, standing up now. “You experienced something that would be extremely traumatic for anyone, let alone a little kid. You didn’t do anything wrong, Wolf. You. Were. Just. A. Child.” He enunciates every word as if he were speaking to someone who didn’t understand English.

“Okay, damn,” I grumble.

“Hawk,” Adrian interrupts with a patient smile. “As much as I appreciate your initiative here—and I’m sure your brother does too—the fact is, this is the way your brother has felt about this all these years. He’s felt guilt over that night since it happened, and that’s not going to stop being so just because you set a limit against it.”

Hawk grumbles something unintelligible as he sits back down, then he looks at me for a moment, then back to Adrian. “I don’t like it,” he complains and almost pouts.

“I’m sure Wolf appreciates that,” he says and throws me a pointed look.

“Yeah, sure, I do.” I nod back at Hawk.

“But it won’t change how he feels,” Adrian goes on. “The only way to change it is slowly and with repetition and building new habits that will disperse that belief.”

“How does he do that?” Hawk asks excitedly, and I clear my throat.

“ I will do that, not you. And though your support is welcome, your assistance is not.”

Hawk winces and deflates in his seat.

Yeah, these limits are going to take some time to get used to.