Write or Wrong (Common Threads #9)

Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

CHINATOWN

ZARA

As always, time with her family went by too fast. They spent the day making tamales. And just like she’d suspected, it was to stuff her freezer.

She would never be hungry again.

She would also be taking a bunch of tamales to the studio.

Asa impressed her by staying the entire day with her family. He didn’t try to escape or find something else more important to do.

Instead, he’d shown up and manned his station with ease. He’d laughed at her dad’s jokes, listened to Renata talk about how they’d met, heard way too many stories about her when she was little, showed Oscar some stuff on guitar that she didn’t even know how to do, and he hadn’t murdered Bianca. That last one was the most impressive.

Bianca hadn’t let up on him the entire visit. Not once.

If he was fatigued by her endless interrogation, he didn’t show it.

They left the next afternoon. Asa had gone to work that morning so she was alone when they departed.

She cried.

She always cried right after they left. She’d be fine, it was just hard to always be so far apart.

She was sitting at the kitchen island eating cookies and feeling pretty sorry for herself when Asa came home.

“Hey, killer,” he said, sliding onto the stool next to her.

She wiped the tears off her face and bit into her cookie. “Hey,” she said, mouth full.

“Everybody gone?” he asked.

She nodded, tears slipping down her cheeks.

He rubbed his big, warm palm on her back. Up and down her spine, circle in the middle.

“It’s just hard, you know?” she said, knowing she was starting a conversation in the middle but not caring. “My job bought them their dream home and makes sure they never have to worry about medical expenses. But that same job means I never get to see them either. Because if I’m spotted once in New Jersey, it’s a fucking circus.” She swiveled his direction to find him already sitting sideways, facing her. “Did you know the media reports that I’m estranged from them? And we don’t correct it because it’s safer for them if the entire world thinks I’m just some megalomaniac popstar who doesn’t know how to love.

“It’s just…so fucking lonely sometimes.”

His dark eyes watched her so, so carefully. Calm and warm and patient. She could fall into those eyes and never come out.

Grabbing a cookie off the counter, she held it out to him. “Cookie?”

He took it, a small smile tipping his lips briefly. He set it aside and took her hand into both of his warm ones.

“Your family knows you love them,” he said. “And they love you just as much.”

“Yeah,” she replied, glumly. “I’m just being a baby.” She dropped her head, knowing she had so much to be grateful for and no right to complain.

He caught her chin with one of his hands and lifted, bringing her eyes back to his earnest stare.

“You miss your family. Don’t feel bad about that.”

She tried to force a smile but it just didn’t take.

“Fuck.” He let go of her only to wrap both arms around her shoulders and pull her off the stool and into his chest.

She smashed her face against the soft cotton of his shirt and inhaled his scent. He was all clean man smell, like soap and laundry detergent and a hint of whatever he used in his beard.

Somewhere along the way she’d associated his scent with familiarity and home. She snaked her arms around his middle and stepped into the space his open legs provided.

He didn’t tell her not to cry or that it would be all right. He just held her and let her get her tears all over his shirt. It was a nice shirt.

“I feel like if I just had one person, you know? Just the one.” She was speaking nonsense of course. Because there would never be anybody. Even if she found someone she could trust like that, trust to have her back and not betray her, who would want that kind of life? It wouldn’t be anything close to normal. She’d never be able to provide for them what she was asking them to provide for her. It wasn’t fair and no one ever said it would be.

“You wanna go for a ride?” Asa’s deep voice spoke low, right in her ear.

She tipped her head back and he leaned back to see her. “What?”

He cupped her shoulders and ran his hands down her arms to her elbows and back up again. “Do you think Cas would be okay with it? If we took a ride?”

She blinked at his soft, careful tone.

He really was the best kind of person.

She nodded. “Yeah.” She wiped at her face. “I’ll text him.”

“You want to do that?” he asked, trying to catch her eyes.

She kept nodding. “I do. I want that.”

He cracked a smile. “Okay.”

Twenty minutes later they were both changed and in the garage.

She’d texted Cas her plans. His reply had been short and carefully worded. He told her to be careful and to wear the Air Tag. She slipped it into her back pocket like last time.

It said something that Cas didn’t immediately call her and tell her to at least wait for him. Apparently, Asa had won Cas’s trust. Something Logan had never been able to do. Not that he’d tried.

Asa got on the bike and gave her a nod. She couldn’t see his face through the visor but she could picture his serious frown.

She climbed on behind him, forgetting for a second how close their bodies had to be for this to work. She had no sooner settled behind him than he grabbed her hands and pulled them around his middle. He said those words that affected her in a way no others ever had, “I got you.”

The bike came alive with a rumble that destabilized all of her fears and sorrows.

He took off down the alley and she held on.

Like last time, it took a while to get out of the city traffic. He took a different route this time and headed northwest.

Unlike last time, she got to experience the sunset.

How had it gotten this far?

Her life that is.

How had doing the one thing she happened to be good at left her hopelessly reaching for things she would never grasp? Things like love, companionship, and peace. It’s what everyone wanted, right?

She got to sing about it. Be the soundtrack to countless first loves and romance and promises of forever. But she was always watching through a glass wall.

Or maybe she was just feeling sorry for herself and she needed to knock it off.

Asa pulled over at a fast-food place while she was contemplating all of her life choices. He cut the engine and took off his helmet.

Looking at her over his shoulder he said, “If I get you an ice cream cone, will you eat it?”

She nodded. He grinned and helped her off the bike. He pointed to an outside set of table and chairs as he walked to the door. She took off her helmet and sat down.

The restaurant was moderately busy. Mostly teenagers and one dad with a handful of children in baseball uniforms. She could see Asa through the window, standing in line. He kept glancing in her direction, keeping her in view.

The sound of the nearby interstate was more soothing than she would have thought. Though how many people spent most of their teens and twenties on a tour bus?

She rested her chin in her palm, elbow to the tabletop as she gazed out into the dark nothing beyond the streetlights.

She could quit.

She almost had when her label had tried to play that trickery with Logan and her single release. Sonja had talked her into taking a break and really giving it the thought it deserved.

And that was the bullshit of it all. Here she was, bemoaning her life and all of its “hardships” when she couldn’t actually picture herself stopping. She loved what she did. She loved 99.99% of it. The recording, writing, touring, fans, meeting people like Sunshine and Nikki, winning awards. Her job had brought so much joy to herself and to others.

So what if she died alone?

Yikes.

She really needed to come up with a better retirement plan. Maybe she could get one of those birds that lived a long time and talked. That was sort of the same as a life partner, right?

Ugh.

And here she was, back to not knowing what the fuck she was doing. She’d been in Chicago for months and was no closer to knowing what to do about any of it. But the brand had kept right on going without her. That’s why Gregor hadn’t come along to Chicago. Someone had to stay behind and run the business.

The door of the restaurant opened and Asa came toward her with an ice cream cone in each hand.

How long until he resented her too?

She would have to leave before it got that far. Before he grew tired of the cloak and dagger and all the hoops. Because if he looked at her with that special fatigue that wore through a person’s best intentions, she wasn’t sure she’d get through it intact.

Chicago had never been a permanent plan. It was just a side quest and she couldn’t forget that.

Asa took a seat beside her while handing over a cone.

So,” he said, his leg bumping into hers. “Should we talk about the kiss?”

She almost choked on her ice cream.

Wow. That was the very last thing she’d expected him to say.

Swallowing it down she looked around their surroundings. “Here?”

“I figure here is better,” he replied, his dark eyes connecting with hers.

“Why?”

He gave her a look and she got it. Here was better because if they were alone they might be tempted to…do things.

See?

He was a really good guy.

Also, it was really fucking refreshing to have him casually bring it up. Like an adult.

“All right,” she said, taking a deep breath. “Let’s talk about it.”

He licked his cone thoughtfully and she deliberately kept her eyes on his hand instead of his mouth.

“Honesty?” he asked.

She nodded once in agreement. “Honesty.”

He shifted in his seat, facing her more fully and resting an elbow on the table. “I liked it,” he said, his eyebrows and lips twitching with good humor. “I wouldn’t mind doing it again. Maybe for longer.”

Heat rushed up her neck and tingles shot through her lower belly. Or maybe it was lower than that.

“I haven’t kissed anyone in a very long time,” she confessed. “And kissing has always been my favorite.”

He narrowed his eyes playfully. “Pretty sure you could get anyone you wanted to kiss you if that was something you needed done, babe.”

She ignored the babe word and lifted her chin. “Yes, but I was in a relationship with a walking crash test dummy—” he barked a surprised laugh and she smiled, pleased with herself. “And I might be stupid, but I’m at least loyal.”

“You’re not stupid,” he said, his eyes shining as he looked at her.

She licked her ice cream and noticed he watched her mouth for a second before clearing his throat and looking away.

“Do you want to kiss me again?” she asked, just going for it.

He held her gaze for a long time before he finally answered. “I do. Badly.”

Those tingles tingled some more. Definitely lower than her stomach.

“However,” he said, straightening his posture. “You are becoming…” His eyes drifted to the side and then back. “Have already become, one of my closest friends.” He licked his lips, his expression serious, the playfulness gone. “And I’d really like to not mess that up.”

His words hit something soft inside of her and buried deep. She got it. Oh boy, did she get it. As someone who had so few close friends, she understood the rarity of finding someone you could be yourself with.

And kissing often led to other things that led to broken hearts and unanswered phone calls. And then nothing.

She considered what it would be like, knowing Asa how she knew him now, and then not knowing him anymore.

Not having his voice and his teasing and his hugs in her life.

The very idea hurt in places she didn’t know could hurt.

“But,” he said after she hadn’t spoken for a few minutes. “I also don’t want you to go without your favorite thing.”

Her eyes shot to his and she knew she looked overly eager but she didn’t even care.

“Or worse, kiss a bunch of losers who might be mean to you,” he added.

She was already nodding. “That’s a very good point. What if…what if it doesn’t have to mean anything more than just kissing?”

His mouth tugged up on one side. “Just kissing for kissing sake?”

“Yeah,” she said hopefully. “And we can have very strict boundaries so it never gets weird.”

His good humor was back. “What kind of boundaries?”

“Like…” She thought quickly, incentivized like no other. “We don’t kiss in front of other people.”

“Okay,” he agreed easily.

“And we don’t kiss in any bedrooms.”

“Bedrooms off limits, okay.” He nodded.

“And no kissing anyone else because then it gets complicated.” He narrowed his eyes and she hurried to add, “If we meet someone else we want to date or whatever then the kissing stops.”

But just the idea of Asa kissing someone else filled her with intense jealousy. She pushed that aside to think about later. Or never.

“Do you have any?” she asked him.

He thought about it while finishing his ice cream cone.

“We don’t tell anyone,” he said. He meant Nikki and she totally agreed. “And if either one of us starts having a problem with it, we have to tell the other. No hiding it.”

He gave her a look and she was pretty sure she read his mind. He meant if she caught feelings, which could lead to expectations.

“Agreed,” she said, her throat tight.

He looked at her like he wasn’t sure she was really all right with it. But she wasn’t going to tell him that it was too late for the feelings part. She already had some pretty significant feelings for him.

But it was because of those feelings she knew she’d be able to keep to the boundaries set down and not risk losing his friendship.

Because now that she had him in her life, she was going to do what she could to keep him. Even if that meant pretending her feelings for him were less than they actually were.

Maybe he could love her. Maybe he could fall for the idea of her. But all the stuff that came with her? No one could love that. Not for long anyway.

But for the moment, they had this.

And if she was smart about it, she could keep him in her life while also keeping him removed from all the shit that surrounded her. And she would be the only one who knew the significance of what he’d given her with his friendship.