Written by a Woman

Chapter 4

Chapter Four

SIGNE

I wanted to die.

That was a little dramatic, but the thought of walking into work the next day made nerves erupt in my stomach and the urge to vomit consumed me.

Deep breaths, Signe .

I kept reminding myself that I hadn’t received any emails from work. I hadn’t heard anything about this from Jaqueline or Mary or Jamie, which was promising. As far as I knew, no one at work knew about my novel. About my following. This was a good sign, and even though I finally revealed my face in my livestream yesterday, I was still entertaining the idea of scrapping the project entirely.

The bummer was, I had almost thirty thousand followers now.

That was a lot of people that I would disappoint if I scrapped the project. A project that was far enough along to already be under developmental edits at this very moment.

Perhaps I could alter Zayne’s appearance in the newer manuscript? I still wasn’t sure.

“Signe!” I jumped at the sound of my name. I had been standing in front of our building debating even bothering to show my face today when Mary called from behind, “Whoa, are you alright?”

I pasted a smile on my face at the sight of my favorite engineer approaching with her studded laptop bag over her shoulder, “Sorry. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Oh, that sucks,” Mary made it up to my side, “Is that why you zoned out on your way in?”

“…Yup.” I followed Mary into the building without another word. I let her scan her badge to access the elevators first, and step onto the fourth floor of our building first, as she chatted about a new anime she had been watching. I nodded and smiled at her ramblings about her favorite scenes and action sequences, and when she finally waved goodbye after seeing me to the front desk, I settled into my chair with stiff limbs.

Feeling numb, I clicked the desktop to life.

Ignoring the stab of anxiety in my stomach, I opened my work email.

Preparing myself for the worst, I held my breath as I tapped on my unread emails and saw…nothing.

Well, not nothing. I already had a to-do list thanks to Brandon, but nothing that would hint at me losing my job.

The more I scanned my work email, as well as my personal, just to be sure, I realized that it hadn’t hit the fan yet.

And then I thought about it some more.

I was part of a very specific, very niche online community. It wasn’t a place that would create headlines, and even when things like my stories went viral within those circles, they never made it out to mainstream social media spaces.

Call me crazy, but I had a feeling that not a lot of people in the office read romance novels. Let alone were subscribers, or friends with the subscribers to my accounts that still had my real name.

Perhaps accidentally revealing Zayne’s inspiration wasn’t as catastrophic as I originally thought. Maybe I panicked too soon, and none of this was really that deep.

I hesitated for a moment, my finger hovering over the email refresh button after clicking it again, wondering what to do with this information.

Did that mean that I just…kept marketing the story?

Maybe if I never acknowledged the resemblance between Zayne and Zaid, the internet would just forget about it. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more likely that everyone had moved on and was sharing a viral cat video or something.

Unfortunately, my anxiety was still there, lingering, the rest of the morning.

Even though everyone smiled and waved and even initiated small talk with me as they passed by the front desk, I was jumpy. I was nervous. I felt like any second, everything would come crashing down around me. Any second now, Jacqueline would pull me into her office to fire me for inappropriately writing about the CTO.

This is why when Nikhil snuck up in my blind spot and rapped his knuckles on my desk, I almost fell out of my seat, making his eyes widen and lean forward as if he was about to help me before I could tip over completely.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes!” I laughed at myself, both for startling Nikhil and for the chaos my nervous system was experiencing.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to surprise you,” Nikhil relaxed as I sat straighter in my chair and took a drink from my water bottle, “I was just wondering if you could do me a favor.”

“Sure,” I smiled as I capped my bottle and set it beside my computer.

“Can you call the restaurant to see if they can add another person to the reservation?” Nikhil asked with a twist of his fingers.

“I can,” I sent him a small grimace, “But they might not let me.”

“Yeah, I know it’s last minute, but Padma decided to join me. She said she was fine dining by herself somewhere else that night, but…” Nikhil shrugged, and I was momentarily distracted by the love that shined in his eyes almost instinctually at the mention of his wife’s name. I smiled and gave him a thumbs-up.

“I’ll do my best,” at that, he thanked me and sauntered off while I found the number for the restaurant where they would be dining, and called.

Every quarter, Brandon would gather a group of management employees to go on a work trip. It was only classified as a work trip because everyone still conducted work, and the company footed the bill. The reality was, that it was a group of employees who were all friends with each other and wanted a change of scenery from the office.

Last time Brandon asked me to book rooms at a resort near San Diego for three nights. This time, they were all going to the Ritz Carlton in Santa Barbara.

Did Brandon offer to do this for any of the lower-level employees?

No.

Did he ask me to keep the details of this trip quiet so the lower-level employees didn’t get jealous?

Yes.

Did he bother to invite me on their fancy work trips?

Also, no.

Nikhil’s friendly demeanor aside, this was clearly a man’s club—except for Mary, who had been invited by Nikhil to join them in Santa Barbara. I had a feeling that this was management’s way of diversifying these weird outings, while also allowing everyone to get the vibe on each other before they promoted her to a higher managerial position.

Good for Mary.

If any other employee deserved an invite, it was her.

Don’t worry, I was still secretly bitter about not being invited myself even though I scheduled and organized everything.

I hung up with the restaurant before messaging Nikhil that the reservation was updated with no problems. It was Friday, and I was already thinking about what my weekend was going to look like. Would I write a little for the second story like I had planned? Was it weird to keep writing at all even though Zaid’s face had been exposed to my following?

“Signe,” I heard a familiar deep voice speak, making my fingers freeze over my keyboard in the middle of a report I was filling out for Brandon.

“Mm?” I asked, pretending to be deep in thought as I forced my fingers to keep typing. The reality was, I didn’t want to face him just yet. I also couldn’t form words without my voice giving away my weirdness, so I took the opportunity I had to look the part of a “busy office manager” and calm my frantic nerves.

“Are you busy?” I both heard and felt his elbows rest on the front desk I sat at. It had a top ledge that concealed most of my computer screen, leaving just my head and shoulders available to whoever entered the floor. That being said, even though that should have provided a decent enough space to keep me separated from whoever was on the other side, the way that Zaid leaned his forearms on the ledge and hunched toward me made me think I was suddenly sitting at the smallest desk in the world.

“One sec,” I flicked my eyes over at him, giving him what I hoped was a rueful smile and not a smile that said, “I have written dirty, dirty things about you and I am filled with anxiety about it.” I quickly looked back at my report and deleted and retyped the same sentence a couple of times, because the one glance I gave myself happened to be direct eye contact with him. And I could feel the heat my body created in my face and neck knowing that I had his full attention. That he was peering at me intently with his lovely brown eyes, instead of looking away like he usually did.

Why wasn’t he looking away this time?

Ohmygodheknows .

I froze at the thought, retyped the sentence one last time, and sat taller in my chair like I was finally ready to give him my full attention. Then I realized that was not normal of me and decided to casually slump against the back of my chair and sway side to side before I finally forced myself to face him again.

He didn’t smile, he didn’t smirk, but his dark eyes looked slightly amused, and I forced myself to keep eye contact as a way to prove to myself that I could be normal around him.

“What’s up?” I asked, internally high-fiving myself at how cool and casual I sounded. As if this was just any other workday. As if he was just any other member of management. As if I didn’t once picture him licking my neck—I mean my protagonist, Sydney’s, neck—multiple times for the sake of authentic writing.

Zaid lifted one of his forearms off the ledge, holding a card in his hands, “Could you run out and grab some more coffee filters? We’re out, and it’s still morning.” … Oh, maybe he doesn’t know . At his words, I glanced at the clock to see that it was barely after ten a.m. and that most people were still nursing their first coffees at this point. Then I remembered that he had refilled his coffee after six p.m. yesterday and wondered if it was just him who had used the last of the filters before the delivery of the new stock arrived today.

“We should be getting the case of new ones within an hour or two,” I lifted a shoulder, “Is there any chance you could wait for it to arrive? I need to finish this for Brandon first, and I probably won’t do that before the delivery comes anyway.”

Zaid’s lips turned down the slightest bit, his dark brow furrowing as if he wasn’t expecting that answer. He lowered his hand with the card and released a sigh.

“I guess.”

I scoffed. It was with a closed mouth and mostly through my nostrils. The noise made his eyes lift to meet mine again, and I felt inclined to tease him, just a little bit, “Do you think you’ll make it?”

“Make it?” Zaid asked, his brow smoothing a little at my words.

“Without caffeine for an hour? Maybe two?” I explained. I had teased Zaid like this in the past. I teased everyone in the office like this. He had engaged with my riffs as little as he needed to, and usually turned away to make conversation with someone else or wait for me to finish before politely excusing himself.

Zaid’s lips twitched a little, “It might be a close call.”

“There are other beverages at your disposal here, in case you’re curious about branching out,” I adjusted myself in my seat, and I noticed how his eyes glanced down towards my waist as I did. It wasn’t an inappropriate glance. It was just a reaction from movement taking place in front of him, but for some reason I found myself crossing my legs over each other as if he was undressing me with his eyes.

Simply because he was attractive, and my body responded accordingly.

His gaze quickly met mine again, unaware of the effect he had on me.

“Are there? I had no idea,” He shook his head once, his expression serious and slightly confused as he confirmed his words, but my heart skipped a beat. I expected him to say something like, “I know” and then politely excuse himself and walk away. But he wasn’t. He was playing along.

Oh my god, Zaid Ansara is playing along .

“Well, believe it,” I nodded solemnly, “There’s this thing called water.” He wrinkled his nose at that, disgusted, and I snorted half a second before my hand came up to smother the sound, “I can’t tell if that was you playing along or if that was your genuine reaction to water.” I spoke through giggles behind my hand.

Zaid’s lips twitched, and a hint of a smile ghosted his features as he observed my giggling, “It’s just so…bland.”

“What are you, seven?”

“How does that make me seven?”

I was grinning, so shocked and delighted because this was the longest conversation that I had ever had with Zaid that wasn’t work-related, “You can’t appreciate water for the hydration it provides?”

“I don’t think that the fact that I like flavor outside of the taste of pipes and fluoride makes me seven.” Zaid raised an eyebrow, and my heart fluttered. It wasn’t flirtatious, but it was flirtatious. There was no way that Zaid was suddenly flirting with me at work, but my romance-loving brain and my body’s reaction to his playfulness didn’t care. My nervous system reacted as if he was eyeballing my chest.

He wasn’t, unfortunately.

“I would argue that most children go through a phase where they only drink juice or milk because of the flavor, before they grow out of it and accept that drinking water is delicious too.” I lifted an eyebrow back at him.

At this, his head tilted at me the slightest bit, “Do you have children?”

I blinked. Heat filled my chest and neck at his abrupt personal question, but I didn’t let myself expose my surprise before I answered, “No, but I’ve been around a child or two.”

“Nieces and nephews?” Zaid asked, his facial expression looked as if we hadn’t been joking about his dislike of water before. Now we were onto a completely new subject matter.

“Um. Kind of? I have friends who have a cute little kiddo.” I wouldn’t say who because I didn’t know if Zaid was into hockey. I wanted to lean towards no, but I didn’t want to share who my friends were too openly just in case he was.

Zaid nodded once, blinking, and looked down the hallway as if he realized that this was a personal conversation in the workplace. Something he never engaged with. Well, that probably wasn’t true. He was good friends with Nikhil, and they probably talked about not-work things all the time. But this was the first time he and I had ever asked questions about each other regarding anything outside of the company.

I could feel him retreating, and I didn’t want him to.

“Do you?” I asked, resting my elbows on my desk, and settling in.

He stood up from resting his arms on the ledge and glanced back down at me, “Do I what?”

“Have kids?” I pressed, “Nieces? Nephews? Pets?”

Zaid huffed a laugh at that last one before leaning a hip against the front desk and pulling his phone out of his pocket to check it, “No pets, no kids. Just one nephew, and my sister is expecting another soon.”

“That’s exciting, tell her I said congrats!”

“For what?” Nikhil asked from a few feet away. His approach didn’t startle me, but it did disappoint me. I wondered if Zaid would stop talking about himself with the three of us present.

“I was telling Signe that Salma’s pregnant again,” Zaid explained to Nikhil. His eyes brightened as he clapped Zaid on the shoulder once.

“Congrats! That’s one Ansara kid down, two to go.”

I blushed, not fully understanding Nikhil’s comment, but suspecting what it meant.

To my utter amusement, Zaid blushed too. His ears turned redder than the rest of his face and neck, “Don’t remind me.”

“You’re right, your mother is probably reminding you enough.” Nikhil laughed, sliding his glance over to me and leaning in as if he were sharing a secret, “She is desperate for him to find a woman to bring home.”

I widened my eyes and grinned at Zaid, “RIP you.”

“Thanks,” Zaid sighed as if it was the worst thing in the world. I couldn’t relate. My mother didn’t give two shits if I dated or not. She was absorbed in her pottery most of the time, and just wanted me to be happy and find joy in life. Whether or not that included a partner didn’t matter either way.

I mean, I did want a partner. But I was also willing to be single forever if I didn’t find anyone that I was willing to partner up with. I wasn’t trying to settle for anything.

“Any progress in that area?” Nikhil asked, leaning a casual elbow on my desk, and resting his cheek on his fist. I decided to play along and leaned both of my elbows on the surface and rested my chin on my fists, too. Zaid smirked at the two of us before rolling his eyes and directing his next question at Nikhil, “Did you find someone to monitor the deployment for tonight?”

Aaaand I’m out .

I straightened in my chair and returned to my report for Brandon.

I worked at a tech company. I understood enough to get by and do my job well, but the nitty-gritty details of coding and software development and deploying new features on the app? That was none of my business.

Until someone else made it my business.

Then I would just ask Mary questions so she could interpret what someone was asking me to help them with.

Nikhil also straightened as he responded to Zaid’s question before the two of them turned away from my desk and started walking down the hall towards Zaid’s office. I stared at their backs for a moment, giving myself time to admire Zaid’s build without anyone noticing me, before getting absorbed in the mundane office work again.

That went…surprisingly well.

I doubted Zaid had any suspicions about my extracurricular activities.

Perhaps I should pursue acting or something .

It wasn’t until I returned home that evening that guilt and anxiety seeped into my gut again, and I paced my small space for a while until I decided to think the situation through some more.

After scrolling on my social media content, I noticed that people were still asking about the whole Zayne/Zaid thing.

Frick.

I gnawed on my bottom lip in thought, my mind spiraling with the insane number of paths to take from this point forward, before my phone started vibrating in my hand with an incoming FaceTime call.

“Hellurr!” I heard Eloise St. James’ cheerful voice as soon as her freckled face filled the screen.

“Hello to you, too!” I smiled as I plopped myself on my couch.

“I’m here too!” Iris, Eloise’s daughter, squealed in the background before shoving her mom out of the image to grin at me.

“Hi, little Miss,” I wiggled my fingers at her daughter, before she got distracted with something off to the side and immediately left to go do whatever it was four-year-olds did.

“I just wanted to call and see how the meeting with your agent went,” Eloise turned the camera back to her, tucking her pale blonde hair behind her ears. In the background, her husband was chasing their four-year-old down the hallway of their home. Eloise easily tuned them out, pretending her husband wasn’t riling their daughter up during her call.

“Oh my god,” I was relieved to receive her excitement, because it made me put all my concerns about the Zaid clusterfuck on the back burner while I fangirled with my good friend about where my career was headed, “So good, Michelle is such a sweetheart and I really think she’s going to help me get the story out there. Right now, we are working on developmental edits.”

“Ooo,” Eloise wiggled her pale eyebrows and winked, “I can’t wait to read it.”

“I’ll be sure to send you an advanced copy if a publisher ends up wanting it.” I had no idea if I could do that, and what I would hypothetically have control over, but whatever.

“Looking forward to it,” She sighed, “I was actually calling to tell you something.” Eloise looked a little excited but paused when her husband, Logan, and their daughter ran behind her again. Iris squealed maniacally as she barely escaped her dad’s clutches.

Damn, I missed that little girl. It had been too long since I hung out with her.

“Are you ready?” Eloise focused back in, “Because…I’m pregnant!”

I gasped, my eyes bulged, and I immediately started squealing in excitement. I even went as far as to jump up off of my couch and run around my apartment for the theatrics of it all, “You’re pregnant!”

“Yes!” Eloise giggled, matching my energy by getting up from her seat and doing a victory lap around her house with her husband and daughter, “I’m going to birth another one of his massive babies!”

I cackled, pausing my run to laugh at her first words after telling me she was expecting again. During my pause, Iris had reached up and yanked Eloise’s phone down so her cute little dark ringlets could fill the screen and tell me, “I was a big, healthy, and strong baby!”

“Yes, you were!” Eloise nodded encouragingly at her daughter, her eyes softening when Logan finally scooped up little Iris and planted a chaste kiss at Eloise’s temple.

Then the big guy turned to me and waved hello before walking away with a giggling Iris in his arms. It really looked like the man was enjoying retirement.

“Anyway, we need to get together again soon! We’re going out of town for a few weeks with my parents, but maybe when we get back you and I can get breakfast or something together? Maybe a girl’s night?” Eloise moved the phone so that her wide blue eyes took up the entirety of the screen. I could practically see the veins in the whites of her eyes with how comically close she put them to the camera.

“Of course!” I sighed as I slumped back on the couch again, “I doubt I’ll have much going on unless the editing process ends up ruining my life.”

Eloise rolled her eyes before pulling the camera away so I could see the rest of her gorgeous face, “Whatever, you’re going to rock whatever it is you write. I’m so excited for you, you have no idea. I’m going to make Logan read whatever you end up publishing, too.”

I widened my eyes, “I don’t know how I feel about your husband reading smut that I wrote.”

“We’re all adults, it’s fine,” Eloise shook her head once before a loud crash sounded in the background, and her head jerked to the side, “Shoot, I should probably go.”

“Sounds like it,” I laughed, “Congratulations again!” I grinned, my cheeks hurting from the excitement I was feeling for my dear friend.

“Thank you! Talk to you soon!” Eloise pretended to kiss the camera before ending the call.

I laughed to myself, loving how chaotic her family life seemed to be.

Suddenly, my apartment felt empty, but that call with her really helped elevate my mood. My mood always elevated whenever I talked to Eloise, even more so when we actually got together, but I realized that unexpected call was probably what I needed to finally be able to take a deep breath and relax.

This allowed me to think more critically about how I needed to deal with my followers continually messaging me with screenshots of Zaid’s blurred image from the livestream.

* * *

Thankfully, based on what I could see, nobody was able to snuff out Zaid’s identity or real name, which made me breathe a sigh of relief. I didn’t think he had any social media, which usually made me not trust a person. What could someone possibly be hiding if they actively chose not to have social media accounts? In this day and age, it was, in fact, an active choice to make.

This time, though, I realized that there were benefits to keeping your private life off of the internet. Like—and this is just an example—when your employee decides to write an open-door romance with a character who looks just like you, and the internet catches a glimpse of your face and realizes what she did.

I needed to say something. I had some readers privately messaging me begging for the details of the mystery man who walked through my live feed. Maybe if I just crafted some lame-sounding PR statement that wasn’t necessarily a lie, but made it sound like Zaid wasn’t the guy Zayne was based off of, the internet would calm down?

It was worth a shot.

I had worked too hard for this. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t want it all to end.

I was desperate for success.