Written by a Woman

Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

ZAID

I was a man becoming obsessed.

I prefer to be tossed around a little .

What else did Signe prefer?

How could I find as much detail about her sexual preferences as possible?

Late at night, I sat in my bed with my newly created social media account and mindlessly searched for Signe Lange’s. My username was a random smattering of numbers and letters, and my profile picture was a picture of the ocean. It wasn’t the most creative account to hide my identity, but I felt safer snooping through my employee’s content with a fake account in case I accidentally liked anything.

Later that night, after taking myself in hand in the shower simply from the memory of Signe wearing my gym clothes, I still felt desperate for more of her. I figured seeing what she regularly posted and talked about seemed like a good way to get to know the beautiful redhead more.

I was scrolling through her pictures, which were a lot of aesthetic shots of writing and her laptop and coffee, in what looked like her bed, when a notification popped up at the top of the screen.

Signe was starting a live feed again.

Obviously, I immediately joined.

“…any questions you have. Nothing is into touch.” I chuckled to myself at her Ted Lasso reference, while Signe winked her hazel eyes at the camera, and my heart stuttered in my chest because she was still wearing my clothes. It was almost nine o’clock at night, and Signe was sitting in her bed wearing my clothes. I guess she really meant what she said about wanting to sleep in my cologne. I made a mental note to send her the link tomorrow. I wanted to wait an appropriate amount of time to do so because part of me was afraid that I would look too desperate for her to smell like me if I sent the link right away.

Waiting a day or so to send her the link to my cologne felt more casual. Less desperate.

“Good news! I’m going to get the first round of edits back from my gorgeous, wonderful, genius of an editor soon,” Signe grinned, her smile lighting up as she reached over and scrolled on her laptop, “Obviously, I can’t say much about the content of the full manuscript yet, but you can bet your beautiful, luscious booties that I’ll let you all know as soon as I have details to share.”

I laughed to myself again. The number of adjectives Signe used to describe people was over the top, but also, I expected nothing less from her.

“…No, I’m single.” Signe didn’t shrug self-deprecatingly, or even wince or give any physical indication that her relationship status made her uncomfortable. Or something to be embarrassed about. Signe was confident, even declaring her relationship status online to strangers who asked.

“Oh, uh,” Signe glanced down at herself, the questions were flooding the bottom of the screen at this point. Hearts took over the side of the display as her followers rapidly tapped the icon, “No, sometimes I like to wear men’s clothes. These are just my jammies.”

I scoffed to myself, loving the anonymity this fake account could give me so I could catch her in her silly lies. Those were my clothes that she still wore, not hers. Was she truly planning on sleeping in them tonight?

I ignored the twitch in my own plaid pajama bottoms at the thought.

“Nope.” Signe shook her head as she answered another random question, “My characters are figments of my imagination.”

I raised my eyebrows at her—

“Oh my god, you all are the worst!” She groaned and covered her face with both of her hands, hiding herself for a few moments before playfully glaring at the screen flooding with questions and hearts and laughing emojis, “Look. While there are physical similarities between Zayne’s character and that man you saw on my feed weeks ago, Zayne is not based on that man at all. That man doesn’t even know that I write romance. Everyone, this is what authors do ,” she shrugged, “Looking back, I shouldn’t have been so on the nose with my physical description of Zayne. But my romance author brain just looked at him and thought, ‘perfect candidate, it would be fun describing that appearance to the reader’, which you all immediately proved me right about.” She raised her eyebrows with an accusatory stare at the camera, making my lips twitch.

I knew Zayne’s character was different than my personality, but I still felt a little jab of disappointment at her answer for some reason. She was acting so nonchalant about it, making me second guess myself. Was she simply using my appearance for her writing and nothing more? Was she not interested in me in any sort of romantic capacity?

Before I could stop myself, I typed a question into the mess of others right when she paused to read them.

Avytk890: Who is the man you based Zayne on?

Thankfully, dozens of other people had the same question ready to go. Suddenly, different variations of that same question took over, and Signe’s nervous expression as she bit her bottom lip with her teeth made anticipation rise.

Was she going to ignore the question until someone asked something else?

Signe released a heavy sigh, before tucking a strand of red hair back behind her ear, “Full disclosure, he is a coworker. I am not going say where I work full-time because I don’t trust any of you to not invade my or his privacy,” she smiled, though her tone was firm, “He’s a really great guy, and it would mean a lot to me if everyone could leave him alone.”

I was clutching my phone with my hands, desperate for her to say anything more about me.

Was I truly a mature man? A grown adult?

I doubted it as I typed my next question.

Avytk890: Are you two friends?

My question was immediately lost in the mess of other questions readers were asking, but I could see Signe reach forward and scroll through the mess.

I was a trendsetter. Other people started asking variations of my question as well, and I caught myself holding my breath as I waited to see what question she would answer next.

“You know me, I try to be friends with everyone,” Signe shrugged her shoulder this time, “Though half the time I can’t tell if we’re friends or if he just tolerates me because we work together,” Signe replied, her shoulders shaking as she controlled her laughter and narrowed her eyes to comb through questions again.

Avytk890: But you based Zayne off of him because you’re attracted to him?

Signe’s lips were moving as she mumbled through questions, and I felt my heart lump itself in my throat as her lips murmured my latest question to herself.

“Okay,” Signe laughed again after reading my question, “Obviously my coworker is good-looking. You all saw him, and you all left thirsty comments about him. You all thought he was attractive when you drew fan art of Zayne and Sydney. Don’t be silly.”

That made my heart thump heavy in my chest, my breathing shaky as I watched Signe Lange tell thousands of followers that she was attracted to me to some degree. I breathed a sigh of relief, especially when I saw her cheeks turn the slightest bit pink after her declaration.

“I’m not answering any more questions about the inspiration behind Zayne,” Signe shook her head once, “Again, you all need to be mindful of my and my coworker’s privacy. If you have any questions for me about writing or the querying process, I’m ready to answer what I can at this point.”

Probably should have thought of that before creating a fictional character based entirely on my appearance, I thought to myself.

I knew how to keep my privacy; the fake account I was using to stalk her was evidence of that. I closed out of her live feed, wanting to do more research, instead of watching her answer other questions from those who were more interested in her work itself than I was. I scrolled through her page, opening up the three pictures she’s posted of herself so far.

Signe was stunning. There was no other way to describe it. I found myself even liking the images, feeling a little better that there were already thousands of likes and comments left by her following.

A following that grew to nearly fifty thousand.

I grinned, a feeling of pride that I didn’t deserve flooding my chest. I scrolled, skimmed captions, and learned a few more details about Signe that I didn’t know before.

How she preferred peppermint lattes over pumpkin spice lattes and was desperate for fall to come and go so she could finally enjoy her drink of choice.

Or how she was allergic to flowers, something she announced by posting a selfie of her with swollen watery eyes after walking through a park where the flowers were blooming everywhere.

I found myself chuckling at that, loving the confidence she had to post a picture most people would consider unflattering. Not Signe, she posted whatever she wanted even if she wasn’t wearing makeup or didn’t have her hair done. She wasn’t even dressed up in her posts, just wearing leggings or loose-fit jeans with casual t-shirts.

A desperate, lonely part of me truly hoped that one day, I would be able to see her casual loungewear in person.

At that embarrassing thought, I decided I had done enough internet stalking for the night and decided to finally plug in my phone and go to sleep, but it took a while for my mind to calm down enough to do so. I needed to find out what Sun Steer’s official policy on fraternizing in the office was. My romantic feelings towards Signe were only growing each passing day, and I needed to make sure I wasn’t being unethical by constantly entertaining the idea of her and me, together.

I made a mental note to work up the courage to glean the information from Jacqueline, who would definitely know the answers to my questions. Deciding that was my next step, I was finally able to embrace the dreams of the woman who took up all the free space in my mind.

* * *

In the days that passed after Salma dropped off my mother’s leftovers for me in the office, Signe would give me a thumbs up every time I walked past her desk. She eventually ended up eating everything, and I took all the dishes home to wash them and return them to my mother.

I reminded my mother that whenever I did eat out for lunch, it was on the company’s dime. And usually some sort of formal business meeting. This dissuaded her from giving me another mountain of leftovers the next time my family and I got together for dinner.

Though a few days ago, Signe happened to ask me one morning if I could send her the recipes of the leftovers she had eaten, so she could try recreating the meals herself.

I shrugged and said I’d ask my mother for it because I was running late that day already and couldn’t stay at her desk to chat, but the reality was that I was thrilled over the fact that Signe loved the homemade Syrian dishes my mother prepared so often. Sometimes the flavors could be strong for those who weren’t Arab, but Signe had downed each one.

However, my thoughts about Signe enjoying my mother’s leftovers were quickly put in the back of my mind, because just a couple of days after watching her latest live stream, the universe gave me a wonderful opportunity to ask Jacqueline the question that would have immediately given me away otherwise.

I had walked in on two employees romantically intertwined in the break room.

Thankfully, Mary and the small blonde woman didn’t notice me, so I forced myself to ignore my surprise and promptly walked right back out. I ended up shutting myself in my office for a couple of hours afterward.

I had seen the two women with Signe before, and I had walked in (eavesdropped) on several, not entirely work-appropriate, conversations with the group. I hadn’t expected them to go as far as to try to swallow each other’s mouths in the office, an action that definitely wasn’t appropriate in the workplace.

I was a little embarrassed, feeling like I had walked in on a private moment between the women, but also pulled myself together enough to remember that we were in the office and that, weirdly, I could use this to my advantage.

I knocked on Jacqueline’s office a couple of hours later, allowing myself entry when she nodded at me and waved me in while she finished typing something on her laptop.

I closed the door most of the way, leaving a small sliver of space open before sitting myself down in one of the chairs across from her desk. Even though there was a large window right next to Jacqueline’s office door, I still understood that there was rarely a reason for a man like me to shut himself completely in a woman’s office.

“How can I help you?” Jacqueline asked, clicking out of her tabs before sitting straighter in her chair and giving me a blank but professional expression.

“I just had a question about, um,” I cleared my throat and tried my best not to rub my neck or give any more nervous cues than necessary, “Our office’s fraternization or relationship policies.”

Jacqueline’s eyes widened at me for a moment, before she masked her expression again and gave me a stiff nod, “What would you like to know?” She followed up her question by reaching for her mouse and clicking on something on her desktop, probably pulling up the policies in question.

“Let’s say, hypothetically speaking,” I cleared my throat again and tried to sit straighter. I was upper management after all, and I wanted to put on a professional front as easily as Jacqueline did, “That two employees wanted to start a romantic relationship,” Jacqueline’s eyebrow twitched upward ever so slightly, making me want to continue forward before she could start scrutinizing me, “First, is that frowned upon? Second, what is the proper procedure for those two employees to establish that relationship while protecting themselves in the workplace?”

Jacqueline’s lips pressed together in a thin line, and she leaned forward on her elbows with a somehow still straight back before tilting her head towards me, “Is there someone you are romantically involved with here, Zaid?”

I could feel the blush hit my face immediately at her forward question, and I gave myself a self-deprecating smile before a nervous chuckle left my mouth and I shook my head, “No, this isn’t about me.” I hesitated for a second before deciding to be as honest as I could with her, “I just happened to notice some, um, romantic behavior occurring between two employees in the break room.”

Her eyebrows immediately pulled down, “Who? What were they doing?” She reached down under her desk and pulled out her iPad, unlocking the device and pulling up the notes app she loved to use.

“I don’t feel comfortable sharing,” I shook my head at her once, “Nothing outwardly inappropriate occurred,” I lied, “But it was obvious to me that the two employees were romantically involved to some degree. I just wanted to make sure there were policies in place where two consenting adults could explore a romantic relationship with each other without the fear of being fired for doing so.”

Jacqueline’s eyes narrowed at me ever so slightly as the corners of her lips turned down, before shaking her head once and setting her iPad on her desk, “If two employees want to start a romantic relationship, I would encourage them to visit me and document it. That protects both of them as the employees, as well as us as a company,” I nodded at her explanation, “There would only be a problem if one of them was in a superior position over the other.”

I felt something sink in my gut at her words, “I don’t think that’s the case, because they’re on different teams.” I lifted a shoulder.

“That’s good to know,” Jacqueline nodded, “However, let’s say we had an intern on one of the sales teams who was fraternizing with a manager in engineering. That still consists of a complex power dynamic, because even though they’re on different teams, one employee is clearly in a position of power over the other. Does that make sense?”

I felt the thing that sunk in my gut settle hard, reminding me just how inappropriate my feelings for Signe were.

“I think so,” I nodded, and because I hated myself, I played along with her scenario just to let her know I understood her loud and clear, “So, someone like me in an upper management position would still be in a position of power over someone like Frank,” I lifted a shoulder at the mention of one of the sales reps that often reminded me of Jacqueline’s twin, personality-wise, “Which would create an unfair power dynamic, even though we’re two different departments.”

“Exactly,” Jacqueline nodded, “If you and Frank ever started a romantic relationship, of course, I would want you both to come to me and document it. However, even though I couldn’t stop two consenting adults, I would also strongly encourage the two of you to not cross that boundary in the first place.”

I nodded, “That makes sense.”

“There are seven point five billion people in the world,” Jacqueline lifted a shoulder, looking more casual than I had ever seen her be, “Therefore, there is almost no reason to get involved with someone at work.”

I smiled at her, “I understand. However, in the case of the two employees I mentioned earlier, I don’t think there will be any problem with power dynamics.” Unless of course, Nikhil promotes Mary like he planned to. I knew Jacqueline had already started the formal paperwork for the offer.

“I still think you should tell me who it is,” Jacqueline gave me a pointed look, “It won’t do any good to keep them a secret. If I know who it is, I can call them both in for a meeting and have this discussion privately and directly. Also, I can remind them not to do anything inappropriate while in the office.”

Logically, I knew that she was right. It was the responsible, professional way to go about it after all. However, I also knew that these were Signe’s friends. I didn’t even know if one of the women was officially out yet, and my gut prioritized their right to privacy over the company’s official policies.

“Maybe I’ll approach them myself and send them your way,” I lied again as I braced my hands on my knees and stood, “Thanks for letting me interrupt your workday.”

“Anytime, Zaid,” Jacqueline smiled at me as she turned back to her computer, hopefully moving on from our conversation, even though there was little to no chance that I could move on myself.

I was distracted the rest of the day, constantly spiraling about how my position wasn’t just a position I wanted to step down from for personal reasons, but also a position that made my intentions with Signe significantly more problematic.

* * *

I found myself staring at Brandon’s image on the screen as he spoke, all of us in the office, but taking this meeting with a potential collaboration over video call. Brandon was in his element, excited and charismatic about the technology we were building as a company, and how we were feeling more confident about incorporating our code with hardware.

Yes, Brandon was working hard to ensure the company took off as we had envisioned all these years ago, but I was realizing that at some point our focuses had changed. While Brandon had stayed focused on Sun Steer for the past decade or so, keeping the motivations for success high, I had started to concern myself with other things.

Things like, what type of work I enjoy spending forty-hours a week on.

Or gorgeous red heads that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of.

He still hadn’t responded to the email I sent him weeks ago, and part of me felt like I was nagging if I brought it up again with him so soon.

But, if I had managed to find the courage to approach Jacqueline, then I needed to find the same courage to approach my old friend.