Yours, For Good (Cozy Latine Billionaires #4)

29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Javier

I took a deep breath and curled my hands into fists. If I tensed my muscles, I'd be able to stand still and take the storm forming in her eyes.

The moment her features changed to rage engraved itself to my memory, to be revisited for decades to come.

She took a few steps closer to me. From this distance, I could see the hint of color darkening her skin.

Her blood seemed aflame— rightfully so. All I did was track her movements and wait.

She spoke through clenched teeth. "Your hair has no gray in it. You're not old!"

One day I might have the spirit to find humor in her first response, but the space around us was devoid of any levity.

It hadn't been a question, so I remained quiet once more.

She pointed a finger at me. "Javier Pendleton, if this is what you hid from me— oh, how dare you. How dare you!"

"I didn't have a choice, if I wanted to protect your chance with the incubator and for future John Grier students—"

"You were the shadowed silhouette I saw that day?!" Her voice turned shrill.

I didn't know how to answer that question, so I just gaped, unsure what to say next.

Her voice quavered. "I made a fool of myself— no. You made a fool of me—"

"You have every right to be hurt—"

"Holy shit…" she blinked a few times, lost in her memories as she reviewed the past few months with new eyes. "I told Mister B. about you… I told you about you and I…"

She brought her palm to her chest, like she needed to check what exactly her heart was up to.

I pointed at the sofas to our side with a hand. "Please… take a seat. Do you need water? Something stronger? You can berate me all you want— I deserve it— but you look like you need—"

"Don't tell me what I need, Javier. Those letters were for my aging, white-haired , caring benefactor. Not for you!"

My hand stayed in place, asking her to let me know what she needed, hoping she'd find a place on one of the couches. Like it would make things easier somehow.

She lowered her chin and watched me from under the ridge of her eyebrows. "You sent me flowers last Fall and wrote that card— did you even write it yourself? Why did you send it?"

"Please, sit and we'll talk. I'll explain everything. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you."

"And why shouldn't I just turn around and leave?"

"No—" the hand that had pointed at the sofas whipped to her, palm out to beg for her to stay. "Please, don't go. You should get a chance to be livid and yell at me if you have to. You deserve to know every decision I made and why— not because it might erase what I did— I don't think it can be erased— but because you deserve to know everything."

Her nostrils flared as she studied me. The line of her mouth held tension I had never seen there before. It made me want to soothe, to shield her from it all, but I couldn't. I simply dropped my hand and waited once more.

She pursed her lips. "I'm staying because I want all the answers to my questions, not because you asked. And I want water because my throat is dry, not because you offered… and I may throw it in your face later, before I leave your house in a trail of fury."

"Of course. Got it."

She pointed at me again. "I will leave as soon as I'm ready."

"Absolutely."

She turned in a huff and sat on one of the sofas. When I came back with a glass of water, she leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, and her hands deep in her free, wavy hair.

Nora wore a black and white striped shirt and a pleated yellow-green skirt, which fanned on the cushions and down to the floor. She looked beautiful; she'd dressed up to meet Mr. B. only to find me in his place. The thought pulled my stomach down with guilt. I didn't think she would have come if I wrote as Javier, and I had needed to see her. Another half-deception to add to the list.

I put the glass of water on the coffee table, and sat down on the sofa across from her. She didn't move. After a few minutes of watching her and waiting for a million questions, I took the lead with one of the most important things I had to say.

"I am so sorry, Nora. I didn't mean to hurt you but I see how I did. Every step of the way I tried to do good by you… but the moment I decided to hide things, I took away your choice. You never got the opportunity to trust me with the things you told Mr. B.— I already knew. I took what I knew and used it to make decisions about us… about the friendship I hoped we could have, and you never had the same chance. I apologize. I'm so sorry."

I had to bite my tongue not to keep repeating the same few words of regret.

She didn't respond right away. When she did, she spoke through the curtain of her hair.

"Did you practice that?" she asked.

"What… the apology?"

"Yes. Did you practice it?"

I rubbed my lips together. "Yes. I wanted to get it right."

"Is there more to your apology speech?"

"Uhm… there's an offer to tell you how things happened, why I did what I did… there's also this."

She lifted her face just as I put a hand on the three notebooks I had left on the coffee table earlier.

"I don't know if you remember," I said, "but I journal every day. I mentioned it for New Years?"

She didn't make any gesture to answer my question, but continued to watch me carefully. Tension remained on her brow and on the lines of her mouth. It made it hard to breathe to see her like that; to know I had caused it, but I scratched it off the list of things that mattered at the time. My guilt wasn't a concern when I had Nora to take care of.

I pushed the notebooks an inch closer to her. "These three journals are where I wrote down my thoughts since before I met you. Since before I read your file at the John Grier Home and offered to sponsor you into the incubator."

She didn't seem inclined to take the journals. "Who knew? Does Julia know? Did Mister Griggs know when he opened the door for me?"

"No one knew. I didn't know Julia would be in the same group as you and I never told her. Griggs didn't know I met you as Javier— he would have flipped. I asked him to come here to talk about meeting you as Mister Smith. He disapproved, by the way."

"Why?"

"The rules about Mister Bea— Mister Smith's anonymity have to do with the incubator itself. When we asked you in the initial documents to keep your background vague, it was to protect you, and because we don't want the people who started the incubator to kick me out. If I don't have that incubator, I lose the best way I have to connect bright folk with access to the mentorship and eyes of investors I can't give otherwise."

Nora watched me with an unchanging face.

I rubbed my mouth, thinking through what I had shared and what I still had left to say. "If it somehow comes out that I sponsor incubator participants that don't meet the requirements to the spirit of the rules— even if I make sure they meet them to the letter of it— then I don't want them to know who sponsored them into the incubator. I'm richer than most of the directors and have good connections, but I'm a philanthropist. I don't have the experience to mentor and my network isn't focused on business. I don't have the set up this incubator does. If I get kicked out of the group of people cleared to sponsor, then I lose this program. Future students like you lose their chance at the best incubator in the country. In the world. Griggs cares about that, too. He knows that telling you all of this could put that at risk."

"That's why you don't want me to tell anyone about this… and why you didn't tell me about Mister Smith."

I nodded, a small thread of relief finding its way into my ribcage.

"But why offer me friendship?" Her eyebrows pulled up in pain. "If you were reading my letters, you knew how much I craved that!"

"I did it because I knew!" I leaned forward in my need to explain. "I knew you felt lonely. I knew I put you in a situation that othered you and I needed to help and… and your letters brightened my day and I wanted to get to know you… and I couldn't help myself. I thought…"

She breathed fast. I found I did, too.

I gulped some air and added, "I thought we could be good friends, even if I didn't know for how long that would be."

"By the beach when we were in Lock Willow…" Her voice was thin. "You implied I might change my mind by the time I turned thirty. All the while, I talked about friendship pacts."

"If you wanted me around, I would have stayed."

"And keep this secret forever?"

I swallowed. "I couldn't tell you while you were in the program. While I paid for your food and while your future business was up in the air. But now you're set and independent and you don't owe me a thing… I wasn't sure what to do, but I realized… it wouldn't be fair to hope for anything if you didn't know."

"Is that what you want? To find a way to be friends again?"

"Whatever you're willing to give me. If it's nothing… I'll let you go." I let out a sad chuckle. "Many times I promised to myself I would, if it came down to it. It's in there."

I pointed helplessly to my journals again. She stretched a hand, asking me for them without words. I placed them in her hand.

She stood. I jumped to my feet, my heart in my throat that she was about to leave.

She clenched her jaw. "Can I find the answers to my questions here?"

I nodded. "I marked all the places where I mention you, if you want to just read that… but you can read it all if you want. You can get a deep look into my mind and… and all of me, if you care for it. I'm not hiding anything else again."

"I'm so angry, Javier."

I nodded. With a determined stride, she made for the front door and I followed.

In the foyer, she faced me with my journals in her arms. "I don't know when— if I might reach out."

"I understand."

She didn't say anything else for a beat or two. Her eyes were sharp on mine; I wasn't sure if she sent daggers my way or had me under a microscope.

She licked her bottom lip. "Funny, that I thought that kissing you was going to be the thing to break us."

"No. When you kissed me I…"

My heart drummed in place. Her kiss had opened doors into parts of my soul I thought I'd lost.

"Finish that thought, Javier," she whispered.

With my eyes on the herringbone parquet at our feet, I rubbed my lips with two fingers and searched for the right words. "Nora… kissing you turned my world upside down. I didn't think I wanted romance in my life but then… you happened." I shrugged and lifted my eyes to her. "Now I'm here, standing in front of you in my home, hoping you'll want to stick around for a bit longer."

Sadness filled her eyes. "How can I trust you now?"

Her question wrecked me.

"I know my promise to never hide anything again isn't enough, but it's all I can do. So take my journals. Read the words I meant for my diary and no one's eyes. I told you that day at the grad event— the person you know is real. Mister B. never was, but I was and I want you… I'd like to have you in my life. If you can forgive me for what I hid from you, maybe you'll give me time to earn your trust again."

"I make no promises," she whispered, and left me standing alone in the foyer.

I stared at the doors and put my hands in my pockets. Things had gone as I had hoped; just a chance to tell her the truth and answer her most pressing questions. Now all I could do was wait… again.

With a sigh, I went up the stairs to my office. I opened my new journal, where I poured my thoughts of the conversation, my fears, and my hopes for the future.

To think that Nora was someone I would have taken the risk for. I would have bet to see where we could take our friendship… but as of that moment in time, I had lost her.

I searched for my necklace under my shirt, and played with the medal and ring secured to it. My grandmother said that I'd know I loved someone when I was willing to forgive them for a broken heart, but Nora hadn’t been the one to break mine. I had done it all on my own, and hurt her in the process.

I was the only one seeking forgiveness, and I wasn't sure how that played into my grandmother's wisdom. With her vintage engagement ring between my fingers, I had to accept it was Nora who would have to answer that question, and see if she could feel something like that for me one day.