Zane (Halversons #8)

CHAPTER FIVE

Just leave me alone !

It was what Zane wanted to yell at everyone, but he bit his tongue.

He knew they meant well, but their hovering was starting to aggravate him. Or perhaps it was the ache he constantly dealt with in his head that was making him more irritable than usual. The pain would lessen with the meds, but it always came back.

He’d been moved to a room on a regular unit, which was good. But what he wanted most—his memory back—just wasn’t happening. How was he supposed to get back to his life when he had no idea what his life had been before his accident?

Also, he was apparently not allowed to make any decisions for himself. His family was busy trying to figure out what should happen to him when he left the hospital. They weren’t consulting him, however.

The one person he’d thought would be there was the woman they said was his wife. So far, he hadn’t seen her since that first day he’d woken up.

“I really think he needs to come home to Serenity to heal,” his mom said. “He can’t go back to his job here. Not until he gets his memory back. The best place for him is with us.”

Gareth had been quiet through most of the conversation so far, but now he spoke up. “Mom, Kelsey needs to be part of this discussion.”

“Well, then where is she?” his mom demanded.

“From what the nurses have said, she comes by once Zane’s asleep and spends time with him then.”

“Why wouldn’t she come by during the day?” Wilder asked.

“I think she feels it would be upsetting for Zane since he doesn’t remember her.”

Right then, Zane felt like he’d rather deal with his stranger wife than with his family.

Gareth crossed his arms. “But at the end of the day, as his wife, she needs to have a say in his on-going care.”

“They’ve only been married for a few weeks,” his mom protested. “I think we know what’s best for him.”

“Zane has been on his own for years, and though he doesn’t remember the past few years, he knows what he wants for his life.”

Zane appreciated Gareth’s voice of reason. If Lee couldn’t be there to help him, Gareth appeared to be the second best. Even so, there was something appealing about returning to a familiar place when he was feeling very unmoored. He could return to the familiarity of Chicago, but he wouldn’t have the support he’d have in Serenity if he couldn’t work for awhile.

“Let me see if Kelsey can come to be a part of this discussion,” Gareth said as he headed for the door.

“Why don’t you like Kelsey?” Zane asked once Gareth had left.

He’d picked up on the tension they had, especially his mom, whenever Kelsey was around or was being discussed. It was hard to imagine he’d married someone his family didn’t like.

His parents exchanged yet another look. Their ability to communicate without saying a word had apparently only gotten better with time.

“We just don’t think she’s the best woman for you,” his mom said.

“Not that we know her all that well,” Wilder added.

“We know she isn’t a Christian,” his dad said. “And you know that we wanted a Christian spouse for each of you kids.”

“And yet the way she’s been treated is probably not exactly endearing her to Christians,” Wilder said with a tilt of his head.

“Wilder!”

“It’s true, Mom. We haven’t been nearly as welcoming to her as we should have been.”

What on earth had gone on in his life that he’d decided to marry someone who didn’t share his faith? With every hour that passed, the number of questions he had about what had transpired over the past four years seemed to grow.

When Gareth returned, he actually had Kelsey with him. “I found her in the waiting room.”

“I didn’t have anywhere else to be,” Kelsey said with a shrug as she stopped just inside the door, her arms crossed. She glanced at Zane, but then looked away.

Zane took a moment to observe her. She had medium length blonde hair with a sweep of bangs. She was on the curvier side and looked to be four or so inches shorter than him, given where she came up to on Gareth. From the day he woke up, Zane recalled that her eyes had been a light blue-green shade.

“We’re discussing where Zane should go when he gets out of the hospital,” his dad said. “And we’d like your input.”

Kelsey’s brows rose, like she didn’t quite believe him.

“Would you be willing to come to Serenity?” his mom said. “Or would you prefer to stay here while he comes home with us to recover?”

Kelsey frowned. “I would prefer to be where Zane is.”

“Of course,” Gareth said. “And that’s completely understandable.”

“We’ll have to let our apartment here go.”

“Do you think that will be a problem?” his dad asked.

“I don’t know. All I can do is speak to the landlord and explain the situation.”

“Maybe we should ask Lee to come back to help Kelsey pack up,” Wilder suggested. “And then he and I can drive a moving truck back to Serenity.”

Zane was listening to the discussion, but his attention was still on Kelsey. He noticed that she avoided looking at him, and he wondered why.

It took less time than it should have to sort everything out, and all of it decided with no input at all from him and little from Kelsey. Once he’d agreed to return to Serenity, they hadn’t asked his opinion about anything else.

The final plan was that they’d get Lee to come back to Tampa, and they’d pack up the apartment. While Zane, Kelsey, and his folks flew back on Remington’s plane, Wilder and Lee would drive the moving van across the country from Tampa to Serenity.

Zane appreciated all the efforts on his behalf, though he really wished none of it was necessary.

“Now that that’s all settled,” Gareth said. “How about we give Zane and Kelsey a few minutes together?”

The look Kelsey gave Gareth could only be described as panicked, and it kind of matched what Zane was feeling.

“We’ll go grab some coffee, then we’ll be back,” Wilder said, letting them know without saying it that they wouldn’t be left alone indefinitely.

Though his parents didn’t look thrilled at being essentially forced out of the room, they followed without protest.

When it was just the two of them, Kelsey finally looked at him, but her gaze was wary. “How has your pain been?”

“It’s better, I guess,” Zane said. “Though I’m sure that’s because of the drugs they’re giving me.”

“No doubt.”

Silence stretched between them, making Zane wonder how their communication had been prior to the accident. Finally, he said, “So where am I working here? What made it worth the move away from Chicago?”

When she named a one Michelin star restaurant and told him he was sous chef there, Zane was surprised. His plan had never been to attain a lofty position in a famous restaurant. He had been happy with where he’d been working in Chicago, and he’d been able to save quite a bit of money in hopes of opening his own restaurant some day.

For some reason that had changed. He’d clearly worked hard and progressed to the point where an esteemed chef had been willing to give him a position in their restaurant.

And now all that experience was gone.

Or at least it felt like it was. Right then, his body didn’t feel anywhere near ready to take on the rigors of a kitchen in a Michelin star restaurant. He worried he’d never get it back.

“Have you been in contact with the restaurant since the accident?”

She nodded. “I spoke with the head chef, who is also the owner, and explained what happened. I wish I could say they were willing to hold your position, but unfortunately, that isn’t the case. They can’t afford to have the kitchen down a sous chef.”

He understood that, but it was aggravating. Even though he didn’t remember any of it, he’d clearly worked hard to get that job, only for it to be taken away from him.

“He did say that once you’re feeling back to where you were prior to the accident, you’re welcome to contact him.”

“So in other words, once my memory comes back.”

“Probably, yes.”

Again, he understood why they wouldn’t want him when he’d lost the knowledge and experience of the past few years that had helped him gain the position.

He turned to stare out the window that was next to his bed. “It’s ridiculous that I’ve lost so much of my memory. Who knows what else I’ve lost along with my job?”

Kelsey didn’t say anything, and Zane wondered what it was about her that had drawn him to her. What was it about her that had made him fall in love with her, when he’d only imagined loving Sarah?

And what was he supposed to do about the fact that the feelings he had in his heart were, unfortunately, not for the woman everyone said was his wife?

“I suppose I’d better head home to the apartment to start packing,” she said finally, shifting on her feet. “I’ll bring back some clothes for you for whenever they release you.”

“The doctor will have to clear me to fly before I can go, so I might need to remain in Tampa for a week or so.”

“Will you want to stay at the apartment?”

Zane wasn’t sure that would work, given they were virtual strangers. “I have a feeling that Mom and Dad will want me with them so they can keep an eye on me.”

That would probably be the case in Serenity as well. He didn’t know what Kelsey would do or where she would stay. Would his parents let her stay at their home? Or could she stay at Charli’s house? If it was still Charli’s house. Or maybe she’d want an apartment of her own?

Zane wasn’t sure what he wanted her to do. It was hard to have a strong feeling about any of it considering that she was a stranger. Even though they’d told him he was Kelsey’s husband, he didn’t feel like he had any right to have a say in what would happen with her.

“I guess I’ll see you… soon.”

Even though he didn’t know her well, he could see the strain on her face. It dawned on him then that she was also in an incredibly difficult situation. Her plans for the future had also been impacted by his memory loss.

“Thanks for talking to my boss and taking care of that.”

“You’re welcome.” With a nod of her head, she turned and disappeared out the door into the hallway.

Silence fell in the room, and Zane relished it. He just needed some quiet to process everything.

He found that he was having difficulty focusing on what people said. Especially if there was more than one person talking at a time. Even now, he couldn’t recall all the details of what had been planned for the upcoming days. Fortunately, it didn’t seem he was responsible for anything, so if he didn’t remember it all, no one would care.

Pressing his fingers to his eyebrows, he categorized the pain he still felt in his body. Dull ache in his head. Sharper pain in his ribs that they said were cracked but not broken. Pain in his stomach and leg.

Alone, he was able to acknowledge just how daunted he was by his situation and his unknown past and future. Anger. Fear. Confusion. It was the worst possible quagmire of emotions. A mixture of negativity that he just couldn’t get out of.

Why on earth had God allowed this to happen?

“Zane?”

Hearing his brother’s voice had Zane lowering his hands. Gareth approached the bed, snagging a chair and sinking down into it. His brother’s brown gaze was serious as he regarded him.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Is this brother Gareth asking, or doctor Gareth?”

“Does it matter?”

“I suppose not.”

“So?” Gareth prompted. “How are you doing?”

“As well as can be expected, I suppose.”

“Pain?”

Zane gave him an honest assessment of his aches and pains.

“And how are you feeling about the plans to go to Serenity?”

“It’s the best place, I guess. I’m going to need the support.”

Gareth nodded. “You are. But you could have that here with Kelsey.”

Zane frowned. “I can’t stay here just with her.”

“She’s your wife, and whatever else we might feel about your relationship, I’m sure she loves you.”

“I’m so confused by the family’s reaction to her.”

“I think it has less to do with her specifically, though clearly Mom and Dad have concerns about her not being a Christian, and more about how your relationship and marriage unfolded.”

“What do you mean?”

“We met her for the first time at Christmas, and she was only with us for three days. We didn’t have much chance to get to know her in all the hustle and bustle of the holiday. The next thing we know, a few weeks ago, you announce that you and Kelsey had eloped and moved together to Tampa. It was a… shock.”

“So Mom’s upset that she didn’t get a wedding?”

Gareth shook his head. “I doubt it’s that. Mom’s upset that you married someone that the family doesn’t know at all. She’s worried about you. That’s how she is. You know that.”

“I guess.”

“Mom will come around, especially if she gets to spend more time with Kelsey. I don’t think you would have married someone who wasn’t a decent person.”

“I’m just surprised that I’m married to… uh… to someone who isn’t Sarah,” Zane confessed. “I’m having a hard time accepting that. As far as my memory goes, we’re still together, and I love her.”

There was a long stretch of silence as Gareth frowned at the floor. “I can’t imagine how that would be. If I woke up and Aria and I weren’t together anymore, but in my memory, we were, I think I’d lose my mind.”

It definitely was something that Zane was struggling with. He tried not to think about it, which was only doable when Kelsey wasn’t there, and no one was talking about her.

“It’s a bit of a brain scrambler, to be sure,” Zane said. “And I really struggle with just not knowing how I’ve ended up with someone else. I need to understand.”

“I don’t know the details,” Gareth said with a shake of his head. “Just that Sarah broke up with you three or so years ago. I never heard anything more.”

“She broke up with me ?” That didn’t clarify anything. But it did cause pain when he realized that she’d rejected him.

“You could try talking to Lee to see if he has more details. Or maybe you need to have a conversation with Kelsey about it. She might know.”

“I’m not sure about that. The conversation we just had was plenty awkward, and we weren’t discussing anything so touchy as my previous relationship and the current state of things between us.”

“You’ve got time. Once we’re in Serenity, you’ll have the chance to talk more with her.”

“Where am I going to be staying?”

Gareth let out a bark of laughter. “You have to ask that?”

“Okay. Yeah. I’m sure I’m staying with Mom and Dad.”

“Yep. Mom wouldn’t even consider any other plan.”

“And Kelsey?”

“We’re going to present her with some options to see what she’s most comfortable with.”

There was a large part of Zane that wished she’d just stay in Tampa. It would be one less thing he’d have to deal with while he was trying to recover. Hopefully, his memory would come back and then they could pick up where they’d left off before his accident.

“Any chance she might want to stay here?”

“Zane, she’s your wife ,” Gareth said with a frown.

“She’s a stranger . I have no memory whatsoever of her. None. All I remember is my relationship with Sarah. So forgive me if I’m a little stressed at the idea of having to deal with my marriage to a woman I don’t know, on top of everything else.”

Gareth let out a heavy sigh. “I honestly don’t know what to say. What I do know is that if Aria had lost her memory of me, I’d still want to be with her. To help her, however I could. You can’t just shut love off.” He paused, his brow furrowing. “I guess it applies to both you and Kelsey in this particular situation. Since you have feelings for Sarah. Still, I think you need to accept Kelsey’s role in your life and not try to leave her behind.”

Zane knew he was right, but it was just so hard.

“I’m pretty sure your vows said in sickness and in health,” Gareth continued. “I was going to say that you should be honest with Kelsey about how you feel. However, considering your feelings for Sarah, I think I’ve changed my mind. Hearing that you’d rather her just disappear would be excruciating for Kelsey.”

“I just don’t want people forcing something on me. What if I never remember her? Am I just supposed to stay married to a woman I don’t love?”

“Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it,” Gareth suggested. “It’s possible that the same things about her that you fell in love with the first time around will be what makes you fall in love with her again.”

Zane supposed it might happen that way, but it was impossible to imagine when he still felt the way he did about Sarah.

“Just keep an open mind about things with Kelsey, and remember that she’s also going through a difficult time.”

“I will.”

It wasn’t like him to be so selfish and… unsympathetic. Gareth was right to remind him that he wasn’t alone in the tragedy of the situation.

“Remember that you can talk to me about anything, and it will just be between you and me.”

“Thanks.” Lee had always been his confidante when it came to his siblings, but he knew there might be instances where Gareth was the better choice.

“Wilder and I are going to try to organize the move,” Gareth said as he got to his feet. “Are you okay with Mom and Dad coming back in?”

“Sure.”

He watched his brother leave, then leaned back against his pillows, tipping his head to stare up at the ceiling. Maybe he should have told Gareth he was going to take a nap, because suddenly, he felt exhausted.

“How are you doing, darling?” his mom asked as she came to his bedside, resting her hand on his arm.

“I’m okay. Tired, though.”

“If you’d like to take a nap, go ahead,” his dad said. “We can entertain ourselves.”

“I think I will.”

“We’ll go for a walk, then we’ll come check on you in a little while.”

“Would you like us to bring anything back for you?” his mom asked.

“I wouldn’t mind something sweet. A cookie?”

“We’ll see what we can find.”

After his parents left, the nurse came in and spoke with him for a few minutes, then left him to sleep.

He’d hoped that his exhaustion would keep his worrisome thoughts at bay, but he laid there far longer than he wanted to before he finally fell asleep.

His last thought was a prayer that he’d wake up with his memory restored.