Zane (Halversons #8)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“How are you really doing?”

Zane glanced at Kayleigh, then stared back into the flames dancing in the firepit where Lee had lit a fire a few minutes earlier. “Still getting some headaches, especially if I’m in bright light or if I’m overly tired. My leg feels better, though, and I’m hoping Gareth will agree to put me in a walking boot soon.”

“And your memory?”

Zane frowned at the flickering flames. That was the question he hated the most, though he understood why people asked it of him. “Still nothing.”

“How are things with you and Kelsey?”

“They’re okay, I guess.”

“So you’re spending some time getting to know her?”

Zane thought back to the time they’d spent at the store earlier that day. Had he learned anything new about her? Well, he’d discovered how much she knew about him . And also, that she apparently loved ice cream. But other than that, he hadn’t really gotten to know her any better.

“We went to the store together this morning,” he said.

Kayleigh gave a slow nod. “But are you spending time together? Like on a date?”

“A date feels…” Wrong. It felt wrong to go on a date with Kelsey when his heart and feelings were still tied up in someone else.

“I think a date is necessary.” Kayleigh said. “I know you feel like Sarah is the woman you should be with, but she’s not an option. You need to accept that and do what you can to make your marriage to Kelsey a priority.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Zane said, glancing over to where Kelsey sat at the picnic table with Rori and Carisa.

They’d moved out to the back deck after dinner, and were also enjoying the fire Lee had lit since the evening was cool now that the sun had gone down.

“I feel like I have no closure on things with Sarah. I don’t know why we broke up. I don’t understand what happened to derail our relationship.”

“Are you thinking about contacting her and having a conversation?”

“I’ve thought about it.” A lot, if he was honest. But so far, something had held him in check, and he hadn’t attempted to actually reach out to her.

What if she was available and wanted to try again? The temptation would be huge, but he was married to another woman.

“It’s possible that if you don’t regain your memory, you’ll need a conversation with her in order to get closure.”

He hadn’t found any contact for her on his phone, and he hadn’t been able to find her on any of the social media sites, which meant she’d probably blocked him. That didn’t bode well for him getting the answers he wanted.

The best-case scenario in their current situation was that he’d make contact with Sarah, and she’d be married or in a serious relationship. He’d get the answers to his questions, and then hopefully be able to move on with his life.

And yet, he also didn’t want her to be married.

Zane lifted his hands and dragged his fingers through his hair, then massaged his forehead. The tug of war between wanting to be with the woman he still loved and wanting to do the right thing as a Christian man was intense. It was a battle he’d never imagined having to fight.

Kayleigh shifted her chair over to sit right next to him. She hooked her hand through his arm and rested her head on his shoulder. “You were happy when you called to tell us you’d eloped with Kelsey. You were so excited about the future you were going to have together.”

“But no one else was happy for us.” He didn’t remember that, but he’d been told about the family’s reaction.

“We were confused,” Kayleigh said. “When you and Sarah broke up, you were devastated. It was rough to see you in that state. You were so hurt, and you said that you were going to just focus on your career. No more relationships. You were adamant that it was going to be years before you dated again. Then I think it wasn’t even a year, and you suddenly started dating Kelsey. You brought her home for Christmas, and then boom , six months later you tell us you’d gotten married. It was… perplexing, to be honest.”

“I wish I could tell you why it happened that way, but I have no idea. Feeling how I do about Sarah, I can’t believe I was able to move on like that. I think that’s why I’m struggling with it myself,” he confessed. “And I don’t know what to do.”

They sat quietly for a couple of minutes, with the sounds of the fire popping and murmured conversation filling the night air. Normally, he would have liked the atmosphere, but that wasn’t possible when his personal life was such a mess.

“I think you need to talk to Kelsey about all of this.”

“Nope.” That was a hard no for Zane. “Can you imagine that conversation? Telling her I need to talk with the woman I love to get some closure? I’m not sure that would go over very well.”

Kayleigh sighed. “Yeah, that might not be the best way to approach it.”

“Definitely not.”

“How about the two of you going to counseling?” she suggested. “It might be that you need some professional guidance through this.”

That wasn’t the worst idea, but Zane just wasn’t sure he was ready to take that step. But if he wasn’t, what was he waiting for? He just didn’t know.

Yes, he was waiting to see if his memory returned, which would solve a lot of the issues he was facing. But how long did he wait before moving in a different direction?

And did he want to move in the direction of counseling and trying to force feelings for a woman he didn’t know?

There was a small part of him that wished Kelsey would just give up on him and walk away. That was a cop-out, though. While that would be easier for him, he knew it wouldn’t be easier for Kelsey.

“I wish we knew Kelsey better,” Kayleigh said. “And I wish we had witnessed your relationship more.”

“Why?” Zane asked.

“Because then we could share our perspective on what you had with her. Kelsey’s emotions are so tied up in what’s happening that it’s hard for her to be able to talk about how things were between you without it hurting her more. If we could tell you what we saw between you two and what we knew of Kelsey, it might help encourage you to give her a chance.”

What she said made sense, but there was no changing it now. For whatever reason, he and Kelsey hadn’t shared their lives with his family. Whether that was by choice or because they lived away from Serenity, he didn’t know. Maybe that was something he needed to ask Kelsey.

The idea of another conversation like that with Kelsey made him feel a little sick to his stomach. Because of his lingering feelings for Sarah, in some ways, his personal conversations with Kelsey felt a bit like he was cheating on her. Which was ridiculous.

The craziness of the situation made his head hurt, and his heart hurt even more.

He needed to talk to Sarah. It seemed that having her tell him that she had moved on and there was no hope for them would be the first step in moving forward himself.

Zane sighed deeply, and Kayleigh echoed him.

“We’re all praying for you,” Kayleigh said. “And I believe God will work things out for you if you truly trust Him and seek His will for you and Kelsey.”

Kayleigh’s words made him wonder again how he’d drifted away from the faith he’d once embraced.

So many questions. So few answers.

It had seemed that his life was following a fairly straightforward path with regards to his career and his romantic relationship. But something had happened in the past few years that had changed the direction of that path in all areas of his life.

Once again, his gaze drifted to where Kelsey sat with Rori and Carisa. She’d changed out of the pretty dress she’d been wearing earlier, into clothes that were more appropriate for sitting outside in the cooling night air.

Nothing was going to be accomplished that night. He wasn’t in the right mood to pursue another conversation with her. Frankly, he wasn’t ever really in the right mood, but he needed to put that mindset aside. But not that night.

Later, his head ached terribly as he prepared for bed, and Zane wanted to rail against everything. Absolutely everything. It felt a bit like a vicious cycle. The pain made him angry and on edge and being angry and on edge increased the pain.

Though he was exhausted, Zane made the effort to cover his cast completely, then took a long hot shower, hoping the water would help to ease the pain. Only, just like every other shower he’d taken, it didn’t do anything except exhaust him.

Finally, he left the shower, dried off, and got dressed in a pair of sleep shorts and a T-shirt. Slumping down on the edge of his bed, with only the bedside lamp lighting the room, Zane concentrated on calming himself, trying to quiet his emotions before climbing under the covers.

Please, God, help me.

He didn’t even know what help he wanted. If he was honest with himself, he was a little worried about what he’d discover if his memories returned.

Rather than continue his prayer, Zane settled onto the bed and dragged the comforter over him. He reached out to turn off the light, plunging the room into darkness.

Finally, he felt his body relax.

There was no one watching him. No one judging him for his reactions. No one trying to sort out the mess his life was currently in.

And thanks to the darkness, even he wasn’t able to see himself. Which was what he needed in order to fall asleep.

Oblivion, sweet oblivion.

It ended up being a limited time oblivion, which was pretty much the norm these days. Zane woke several times in the night, so when his alarm went off in the morning, he was still tired. But he couldn’t linger in bed that morning, so he dragged himself out from under the covers and stumbled into the bathroom.

After washing his face and brushing his hair into some semblance of order, Zane pulled on a pair of shorts. He chose one of his nicer T-shirts since he was going to be seeing non-family members that day.

When he walked into the kitchen a short time later, Kelsey was already there, sitting at the breakfast nook with a cup of coffee on the table in front of her. Her hands were cupped around it as she stared out the window beside her.

He wasn’t silent in his movements thanks to the crutches, so as soon as he walked into the kitchen, she looked in his direction.

“Good morning,” she said, then let go of her mug and got to her feet. “Want some breakfast and coffee?”

He hated having to be dependent on others. But since it was a challenge to do stuff for himself while on crutches, he had no choice. “A bagel and coffee would be nice. Please.”

Kelsey made quick work of toasting a bagel and slathering cream cheese on it, then she filled a large mug with coffee, doctored it, before carrying both to the breakfast nook. He’d taken the seat across from her, so she put the mug and plate down in front of him.

“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate you making this for me.”

“You’re welcome.” She sat back down and wrapped her hands around her mug again. “You’ve made enough meals for me, so it’s only fair I make some for you when I have the opportunity.”

“Are you still up to driving me to my scan and appointment this morning?”

She’d offered to drive him to his appointments once he’d moved to the house. Before that, his parents had been taking him. He’d thought they’d still want to do that, but he decided that maybe it would be better if he and Kelsey went on their own this time.

“Yep. I’d planned on it.”

He had to go to Coeur d’Alene for his appointments with the specialist and to get any scans that he needed done. It was a bit of a pain he couldn’t just have Gareth take care of his medical needs.

“I guess we’ll need to leave in about forty-five minutes.”

Kelsey nodded as she lifted her mug and took a sip of her coffee. “Will they have the results from your scan right away?”

“I’m not sure. But probably not,” Zane said. “I’ll still see the doctor today, though, He’ll probably just get in contact with me if there are concerns from the scan.”

“How have the headaches been?”

Zane was honest with her about how he was feeling physically. His mental and emotional state, however, he kept to himself.

As an awkward silence filled the space between them, Zane couldn’t help but remember how easy communication with Sarah had been. He knew it wasn’t fair to compare the two situations—especially when he didn’t remember how things had been between him and Kelsey previously—but it was still hard not to.

After they’d finished eating, he went back upstairs to get the file of information he’d compiled so far, while Kelsey cleaned up their breakfast, then they met back in the front hall.

Once they were in the car, Zane braced himself for a long, silent car ride. He knew he should make more of an effort to carry the conversation, but he didn’t know what topic to pick.

That morning, especially, he felt drained and exhausted by everything going on in his life. It didn’t seem to be getting any better. Well, his mental state wasn’t, anyway. His leg seemed to be improving as it should, but he didn’t feel the same could be said for his head.

As they drove, Kelsey asked him questions about growing up in Serenity. It was a safe enough topic of conversation, and it helped pass the time. From the questions Kelsey had, it seemed that he hadn’t shared much about his growing-up years. Did he know about hers?

“Where did you grow up?” he asked when there was about fifteen minutes left in the drive.

She glanced at him, then said, “Everywhere. My dad was military, but we ended up in Chicago when he retired.”

“Oh, really?” For some reason, he’d assumed she’d had a childhood similar to his. “Did I know your family well?”

“No.” For a moment, he didn’t think she was going to expand on that. “Since we’re estranged, you never met them.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have siblings?”

“Yes. Two sisters.”

“Are your parents still together?”

“As far as I know, they are,” she said. “Unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately?”

“They’re not great people, and they seem to bring out the worst in each other.”

Zane wondered if that worst had been turned on Kelsey and her sisters. Though he wanted to know, he didn’t ask the question. That felt like probing a bit further than he was comfortable doing. And he suspected it was beyond what she would want to share.

“If you looked up dysfunctional in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of my family.”

Zane wasn’t sure how to respond to that. Had he known all this when they’d gotten married?

His life with the Halversons had been idyllic compared to some people’s. However, his birth family must have had issues, or he wouldn’t have ended up in foster care and then been adopted. He felt bad that Kelsey hadn’t had the chance to have a good family like he had.

“Where do you fall in line with your sisters?”

“I’m the youngest.”

“And you’re not in contact with them either?” Though he’d had issues with his siblings at times, he couldn’t imagine not having them in his life.

“No. As soon as they each turned eighteen, they left and never looked back.”

As they neared Coeur d’Alene, their conversation shifted to finding the place where Zane was scheduled to have his scan. Once they arrived, Kelsey let him out at the door, then went to park. By the time she joined him inside, Zane had checked in with the receptionist and found a couple of seats for them.

Since he’d had several scans already, he wasn’t nervous about it. It was a hassle, more than anything. But a necessary hassle. He just hoped that it didn’t show that anything was getting worse, though perhaps it might give him some idea of why he still had frequent headaches.

When they called his name, he turned to Kelsey and said, “See you in a bit.”

“I’ll be here.” The smile she gave him was brief, but it stayed with him as he followed the person down the hallway to the room where he was to be scanned.

The scan took longer than he’d thought it would, and when he rejoined Kelsey in the waiting room, she was reading something on her phone. They left the building together and got back in her car. The neurologist’s office wasn’t too far away, so they made it there in time for his appointment.

They found seats together in the waiting room, and Zane leaned back in his chair, resting his head against the wall. He closed his eyes, trying to block out the world, since his head was aching. Again. Still.

He thought Kelsey might try to talk to him, but she remained silent. He did feel her shift at one point, her arm pressing more firmly against his.

Turning his head, he cracked an eye to see what was going on. He spotted a man sitting in the chair right next to Kelsey, even though there were other seats he could have chosen that had empty spaces on either side. The man smiled at Kelsey, and she shifted even closer to Zane.

Ignoring the pain in his head, Zane leaned forward, sliding his arm around the back of Kelsey’s chair, and stared at the man. “Can we help you?”

The man looked from Zane to where the back of his hand now pressed against the man’s shoulder. “Just wanted to say hi.”

“To my wife?” It was the first time he’d said the words, at least that he remembered, but it felt like a good time for it. “Does she know you?”

“Not yet.”

“Not ever,” Kelsey said. “You’re coming on a bit strong, especially since I’m a married woman.”

Before the man could say anything, Zane’s name was called. Though he’d planned to just go in by himself, he wasn’t going to leave Kelsey to deal with that guy. He seemed a little weird and perhaps unpredictable.

“That’s us,” Zane said as he reached for his crutches. Once he was on his feet, he looked at Kelsey and nodded toward the person who had called his name.

He could see hesitation on her face, but she got to her feet and walked with him to where the woman waited for them.

Once they were in the small office, the woman said, “The doctor will be with you shortly.”

There were two chairs in the office, and Kelsey settled in the one furthest from the small desk. She moved her chair over a bit, giving Zane space for his cast and crutches.

“That was weird,” Zane said when it was just the two of them. “That guy.”

Kelsey shifted in her chair, then crossed her legs, wrapping her arms across her waist. “Thanks for deflecting him.”

“Of course.” Zane rubbed the heel of his hand against the thigh of his broken leg, trying to ease the achy tightness there that sometimes cropped up occasionally. “I’ve never understood why guys think it’s okay to act that way around women.”

“He’s not the first, and probably won’t be the last.” Kelsey’s foot tapped the air. “At least I won’t make the mistake of dating him.”

“Have you done that before?”

Her foot tapped the air more rapidly. “Yes. I have.”

“It wasn’t me, I hope.”

Her foot paused, and she glanced at him. “No. Of course not.”

“Whew. I didn’t think I’d act that way, but since I can’t remember the past few years, who knows?”

“ You know,” Kelsey said. “You aren’t that different from the person I fell in… the person I married.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

There was a light knock on the office door, then it swung open to reveal a middle-aged man with a fringe of white hair circling his head and a warm smile.

“Zane,” he said as he held out his hand. “Good to see you again.”

“You as well,” Zane said as he shook his hand.

“And this is?” the doctor asked, turning to Kelsey with an extended hand.

Silence filled the air for a moment before Zane said, “This is Kelsey. My wife.”

“Nice to meet you, Kelsey.” They shook hands, then the doctor took his seat at the small desk. “I’m glad you’ve joined us today.”

For the next little while, the doctor asked him questions about how he was feeling. Zane answered them all, and then asked a few of his own.

He was a bit surprised when the doctor turned his attention to Kelsey. When he asked her something, Kelsey turned to Zane, as if asking his permission to become an active participant in the conversation.

Though he wasn’t completely sure about it, Zane gave a nod.

Zane hadn’t mentioned that he didn’t remember his wife during the previous appointment he’d had with the man, so the doctor was surprised when that fact came up.

“You didn’t know him four years ago,” the doctor clarified.

“No. So he has no memory of me, even from before we got married.”

The doctor’s brow furrowed. “How are the two of you handling that?”

Not well.

Zane didn’t say that, however. He glanced at Kelsey to see her head bent.

“It’s not been easy,” Zane admitted. “We’re just taking it one day at a time.”

“And if you never get your memory back?”

Zane cleared his throat. “We haven’t figured that out quite yet.”

The doctor’s gaze bounced between the two of them. “You were strangers once and fell in love. There’s no reason it can’t happen again if you are open to it.”

There was a big reason, but Zane wasn’t going to bring it up. He hadn’t had a direct conversation with Kelsey about Sarah and his feelings for her. But he was sure she’d figured it out, thanks to conversations about it that had been held in her presence.

The doctor seemed to realize it wasn’t a subject they were comfortable with and moved on to sharing with Kelsey the things she should look out for when she was dealing with Zane. It was similar to what he’d told Zane and his folks at his initial appointment.

“Once we’ve had a chance to review the scan from today, I’ll give you a call to let you know the results.”

After making another follow-up appointment at the front desk, they left the building and went back to the car. It was a quiet ride home, and Zane spent a lot of it with his eyes closed, head propped against the window.

He wished he could sleep, but his thoughts were too caught up in the situation with his feelings for Sarah and his marriage to Kelsey.

Please, God, give me back my memories.