Zane (Halversons #8)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Kelsey had no idea why she was sitting with Zane at a picnic table in the park, eating fries and drinking frozen lemonade. Not that she was complaining. However, there was some uneasiness inside her that Zane had not answered her question about how he was feeling about Sarah.

“What was your favorite meal that I made for you?”

Kelsey took a sip of her lemonade as she considered her answer. “You made a lot of meals that I like, but I’m a bit of a pasta and chicken girl, so I always liked it when you made chicken parm with angel hair.”

Zane nodded. “That’s a dish I enjoy making.”

It was weird to be having this conversation with him, but Kelsey supposed she should be happy that he was asking questions about her and about their relationship.

“I’m not ignoring your question about Sarah,” Zane said. “Though I suppose it seems like I am.”

Kelsey didn’t respond to that, because he was right. Waiting for him to continue, she ate another fry.

“The truth is… it was very difficult to see her with someone else. But at the same time, I needed to witness it, and I needed to have her tell me what happened between us that ended things. I just couldn’t fathom what would have led to that, since we were on track to get engaged and married.”

Though she didn’t like to hear that, Kelsey could understand his need to know, given his memory loss. It was a struggle, but she had to separate her Zane from this Zane, because she was coming to realize that they were two different people. The most obvious difference being that one loved her and the other didn’t even know her.

“I wish I could have just accepted what people told me about what had happened with her, but I couldn’t.” Staring at his cup, Zane turned it between his hands. “The biggest stumbling block was that I couldn’t imagine a scenario where it hadn’t worked out for us.”

“Can you imagine it now?” Kelsey asked.

“Yes. Now that I’ve spoken with Sarah, it… makes more senses.” Zane paused before continuing. “It wasn’t easy to wake up thinking I’m in love with someone, only to be told that no, that’s not the case. That we broke up, and she doesn’t love me anymore. And if that wasn’t hard enough, to go on to learn she had actually married someone else. It felt so unbelievable to me.”

“I can understand that,” Kelsey said, because she could. “It also wasn’t easy for me to have the man I love and am married to wake up and be in love with someone else. In some ways, we were in similar boats. The person I love loves someone else, just like the person you love loves someone else. So I understand where you’re at. It hurts.”

Zane stared at her for a long moment, then nodded. “I know that I shouldn’t have needed to talk to her to accept what had happened. And I apologize for making a difficult situation even more challenging through my actions.”

Kelsey’s unease grew with his words. Was his apology leading up to him saying that he thought they should go their separate ways?

“What do we do now?”

It probably wasn’t a good idea to push him for a decision, because it might result in something that would devastate her. But the truth was that she was so very tired of the uncertainty in her life.

Zane gazed off towards a group who were tossing a football around. Finally, he looked back at her, his expression unreadable. “What do you want?”

There were so many things she wanted. To be back in his arms again. To have him look at her with love in his eyes. To have their life together back.

But she couldn’t say any of that, and she knew that saying she wanted his memory back was futile. That was definitely out of their control. “I guess I want whatever you want. It won’t benefit either of us if you want us to go our separate ways, and I don’t. If you do what I want, you’re just going to be unhappy.”

He was slow to answer, and Kelsey’s heart thumped painfully in her chest. It felt like they were at a crossroads, and the trajectory of her life was going to change forever.

And she wasn’t prepared for it.

When she’d woken that morning, she hadn’t had any inkling that they’d be having such an intense conversation. One that had the power to completely change the direction of her life.

It wasn’t like she’d never had moments like these before. However, this one had the potential to hurt more than all the other times she’d been rejected and sent off on her own.

Her appetite had vanished, but her mouth suddenly felt like the Sahara, so she picked up her cup and took a sip of her lemonade.

“I think we need to try.”

His words made her heart skip a beat. “Try?”

“I think we need to spend some time getting to know each other. You’re a stranger to me. To put it bluntly,” he said. “And honestly, I’m a stranger to you. The person I am now is not the person you married. I don’t know that person, and I struggle to understand how I became him.”

“In what ways do you feel you’re different?” Kelsey asked. “Aside from loving Sarah.”

Zane ate a couple of fries as he seemed to contemplate his answer. “My faith, or lack thereof. My decision to leave Chicago.”

“I don’t know anything about why your faith is different now, but I know you considered the move to Tampa to be a step forward in your career.”

“Had I talked to you about opening my own restaurant?”

Kelsey thought back over all their discussions about their careers and couldn’t remember an in-depth conversation about it. “Only in passing.”

“Really?” Kelsey nodded. “I wish I knew what changed my focus. I mean, I have a savings account with a ton of money in it, so I must have continued to save up.”

That was news to Kelsey. They hadn’t really discussed much about their finances beyond how they each would contribute to the running of the household. “I’m afraid I have no answers about that.”

Zane’s brow furrowed. “I’m beginning to think that I didn’t do a great job of sharing myself with you.”

Kelsey was beginning to think that, too.

“This is why I think it’s important that we go back to the basics of getting to know each other,” Zane said.

“And hope that we end up feeling the same way we did the first time around?” The more she discovered she didn’t know about the Zane she’d married, the more she worried that their relationship might not survive the return of his memories.

Zane nodded. “Should we put a time limit on how long we try?”

Kelsey didn’t have an answer to that. There was a part of her that wanted to try forever, but realistically, she knew that wouldn’t be a good thing. To live in a weird limbo.

“We could do that,” Kelsey agreed. “Or maybe we just need to be honest with each other. If one of us gets to the point where we just can’t go on, then we tell the other person.”

“Okay. We can agree to be honest,” Zane said. “I think that’s important in a relationship, anyway.”

Kelsey was glad he felt that way about honesty now. But why hadn’t he felt like that previously?

She did wonder what being honest meant exactly. Was she supposed to tell him everything about herself all at once? Or did she share it over time the way she had when they’d been dating? Like how she hadn’t told him about going to nursing school right away. He said he’d understood why she hadn’t revealed it sooner, but would this Zane be as understanding?

The hope flickering inside her was tempered by the reality that this Zane might never fall in love with her. Her love for him still filled her heart. It hadn’t gone away just because she had some questions about the things he hadn’t told her. There was still the potential for heartbreak for her.

“Let’s start by asking each other one question,” Zane said after they’d sat in silence for a long moment. He’d probably been trying to digest the agreement they’d just made, just like she was.

“A question?”

“Yes.” He stared at her for a moment. “Is there something you’d like to ask me? Or do you want me to go first and ask you something?”

Kelsey wasn’t entirely comfortable with either option, but she decided to go with him asking her a question first, figuring she could change the subject by asking him her question if she got too uncomfortable.

“You can go ahead.”

“Tell me about your family,” Zane said.

That had been something her Zane had asked early on in their relationship too. She realized later it was because his own family was important to him, and he liked to talk about them. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the same for her.

“That’s not a question,” Kelsey said, trying to either stall or distract him. She wasn’t sure which.

He narrowed his eyes at her for a moment, a move so familiar that her heart skipped a beat. “So it’s going to be like that, huh?”

“They’re your rules,” she pointed out. “A question .”

Zane moved his food to the side, then rested his arms on the picnic table and gave her his full attention. “Okay. Will you please tell me about your family?”

Kelsey decided she needed to offer up some information, hoping she wouldn’t have to delve too deeply into her past in order to satisfy Zane’s curiosity.

“I’m the youngest of three. I have two older sisters,” Kelsey said, though it had been years since she’d felt like she had a sibling. She’d told him that already, so she doubted he’d accept that as an answer. “We were a military family, so we moved around a lot.”

“Are you close to your sisters?”

“That’s two questions,” Kelsey told him. However, she knew she owed him an answer with new info, since her previous one hadn’t contained any. “But I’ll answer it. No, we aren’t close. They both left home at eighteen and never looked back. I have no idea where they went.”

Zane’s brows lifted. “Why did they leave like that?”

Third question, but Kelsey was okay with talking a bit about her sisters. “They both had conflicts with our parents, and they didn’t get along, so they parted ways as soon as they were able.”

“That’s a shame,” he said.

Kelsey shrugged. “The house got a lot calmer as each one left, but I worried about them a lot, especially at first.”

She could tell he wanted to ask more questions, but she’d allowed him some extra ones already. “My turn.”

Zane sighed. “Okay. Your turn.”

“What type of restaurant do you want to open?” she asked.

She hadn’t been sure if that was still his plan, but she took a chance. And from the way his face lit up, she knew that it was.

“I would love to open a restaurant that serves haute cuisine that appeals to adults but is also child friendly. I think good food should be accessible to everyone. So I want to make it fun and inviting.”

“You think kids want to eat snails?”

Zane laughed, and Kelsey felt a wash of emotion at the familiar sound. “Question two.”

She let that emotion guide her as she playfully rolled her eyes. “I let you ask two extra questions, so I’m still ahead.”

“Well, to answer your question, I don’t think all kids want to eat snails, but some definitely would.”

“Is it going to be an expensive restaurant?”

“Not as expensive as it might be if it catered to just adults and was more exclusive. I’m not going for exclusivity. I want kids exposed to fine dining in a setting that’s family friendly.”

“I’ve never heard of something like that before,” Kelsey said. “Would you open it here or somewhere else?”

Kelsey knew she’d moved past the number of questions he’d asked her, but he seemed to enjoy talking about his dream.

“It had never been my plan to return here,” Zane said. “I always assumed I’d open the restaurant in Chicago. I’m not sure there’s much of a market here for what I want. And I don’t know if Kayleigh would approve of me competing with the restaurants at the resort.”

If they stayed in Serenity, there would be no opportunities for her to continue her nursing career unless she wanted to drive to Coeur d’Alene or Spokane to work at a hospital. Either place would necessitate a commute of over an hour one way.

“It’s not something I need to think too much about at the moment, since I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.”

More questions were on the tip of her tongue, but she held them back, allowing silence to settle between them, interrupted only by the sound of people enjoying their Sunday afternoon.

The contrast to that first evening they’d ended up together was clear to Kelsey, and it pained her. Things between them had flowed so easily. They’d talked for hours, only going their separate ways when it was nearly four in the morning.

They had talked about all kinds of things. There had been plenty of questions. From the serious—like where they saw themselves in five years—to the more lighthearted, like their favorite movie genre. It had been the first time she’d been that interested in a guy, and surprisingly, he’d returned that interest.

There at the picnic table, sitting across from the man she loved with everything in her, a hope for their future grew. For the first time since the accident, she felt that maybe they had an actual shot of being together again. Maybe they could fall in love again.

However, Kelsey also knew she needed to keep her expectations in check. This wasn’t the same Zane she’d fallen in love with. He himself had said he’d changed. What if those changes were what had made Zane fall in love with her? Without them, would he find her attractive?

“Do you have to work tonight?” he asked, breaking the silence.

“Yes. Eleven to seven.”

“Guess we should probably head home.”

Kelsey hated to leave the park and end their time together. But hopefully, it wouldn’t be the last time they spent time together, just the two of them.

She gathered up all their garbage and carried it to the metal can near the road. Zane went directly to the car and stood by the tailgate.

“I’m sorry I’m not doing stuff like that,” he said. “I promise I wouldn’t make you do everything if I wasn’t in this cast.”

It appeared that was one thing that hadn’t changed about Zane. He’d always taken care of her. “I know. Please don’t worry about it.”

There was more traffic rolling through the park, so she had to wait a couple of minutes before she could pull away from the curb. On the way home, Zane seemed more relaxed as he pointed out places of interest from his childhood.

When they reached the house, there was no sign of Ross and Sarah’s car. Kelsey didn’t think they’d left yet because she’d heard them say they were in Serenity until Monday morning.

The house was quiet when they walked in. That meant Lee and Rori either weren’t home, or they were in their bedroom at the back of the house. Lee’s vehicle wasn’t sitting in the driveway, but it could be parked in the garage.

When Kelsey headed for the kitchen, she could hear Zane following her. She got a glass from the cupboard, then turned to Zane. “Want something to drink?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

She filled her glass from the dispenser on the front of the fridge, then went to the counter, standing opposite Zane. They talked a bit about their schedules for the upcoming week. With Kelsey working nights, she sometimes wasn’t awake during business hours when Zane would have his medical appointments.

She heard a door open and the murmur of voices. A moment later, Sarah appeared in the doorway. The other woman paused, her gaze moving between Kelsey and Zane.

“Are we interrupting?” she asked.

Kelsey glanced at Zane, letting him respond to that. She didn’t have a huge issue with Sarah and Ross joining them. It had more to do with Zane’s comfort level.

“Nope. We’re just talking about our schedules for next week.”

As she and Ross approached them, Sarah gave Kelsey a warm smile before turning her attention to Zane. “Do you have a lot of doctor’s appointments?”

“More than I want,” Zane replied. “But less than I might have had. If the circumstances had been different.”

“Will there be any charges against the driver of the other vehicle?” Ross asked.

Zane nodded. “His blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit, and unfortunately, this was not his first offense. Thankfully, they don’t need anything from me, since I don’t remember the accident.”

“I just can’t understand why people don’t learn the dangers of drinking and driving,” Sarah said. “Will it take killing someone for it to sink in?”

“Sad to say, that’s often the case,” Ross said.

Kelsey didn’t sense any awkwardness between the trio, but she didn’t assume that Zane was magically over his feelings for Sarah. It was hard to accept that, but she didn’t have much choice. For now, she had to be content with the knowledge that he was going to at least try to move past them for her sake.

“Did you hang around the church?” Zane asked.

“For a bit,” Sarah said. “But then we went for dinner with Pastor Kennedy and his wife and some of the elders.”

“It sounds like the church might consider supporting us on a monthly basis,” Ross added. “Which would be a real answer to prayer.”

“That would be great,” Zane said. “And not too surprising. It has always been a mission minded church.”

“We did have several people sign up for our newsletter and take the information pamphlets we had there.”

“I’m glad it wasn’t a wasted trip for you,” Zane said.

“Zane,” Sarah said, a slight rebuke in her tone. “Even without that response, it wouldn’t have been a waste. I think it was important for me to answer the questions you had. Especially since I was the only one who could tell you what happened between us.”

“I do appreciate you and Ross making the time to come here.”

“Thankfully, it was a shorter drive than if we’d still been in Chicago,” Ross said with a laugh.

“That’s true,” Zane agreed.

“Do you have anything else you need answers for?” Sarah asked. “Before we leave tomorrow?”

“I don’t think so,” Zane said. “I mostly needed to understand what had happened.”

“And do you?” she asked.

Zane nodded. “I understand why we’re not together anymore, though I do still have a hard time reconciling in my mind how our paths diverged.”

“You had as difficult a time accepting it then as you have understanding it now. So it’s not like it made perfect sense to you at the time, either. When we spoke a few months ago, however, you said it made more sense.”

Kelsey wished, once again, that Zane had been more honest with her about his relationship with Sarah. While it might not have changed things about their current situation, it would have meant she wasn’t so shocked to learn about it when he no longer remembered or loved her.

At some point, Lee appeared, followed a few minutes later by Rori and Elsa. The dog made quick work of greeting them all, then wandered over to her bowls to lap up some water.

Rori gave Kelsey a quick one-arm hug before going to the counter to turn on the kettle. Kelsey was still getting used to the physical affection. Rori had asked her if she minded, sharing that she’d been deprived of physical affection for much of her life because she hadn’t been close to her parents. Because of that, she loved offering affection to those she cared for.

Kelsey told her that she understood because of her own relationship with her parents, and she was glad someone thought she was worthy of affection, especially when she wasn’t receiving any from her husband.

“Why don’t we go sit outside?” Rori suggested. “Enjoy the nice warm days while we can. Fall is just around the corner.”

“And I can’t wait,” Sarah said as they headed for the back door.

Kelsey was torn between joining them or going for a nap. In the end, she decided it was more important to hang out with this group of people. She could nap later.