Zane (Halversons #8)

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Kelsey woke when her alarm went off, but she was slow to get out of bed. Her heart felt heavy, though, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to face the world. Or more specifically, Zane.

It had been odd to see him up when she’d gotten home from work. He’d looked like he’d just rolled out of bed, and it had stirred up a lot of memories for her.

She missed her Zane so much. She missed the conversations they shared before falling asleep. And how he held her as they laid together. The kisses they’d shared. The closeness that she’d never imagined having with someone.

The affection Zane offered her had been something new, and she’d soaked it up like a sponge. It had taken her awhile to feel confident in approaching Zane with affection of her own, trusting that he wouldn’t reject it. Or tell her that it was too much.

But now that closeness was gone again, and she no longer had any right to give him affection, and he certainly wasn’t offering her any.

Tears pricked her eyes again. She was sure they were puffy from the tears she’d shed before falling asleep earlier, and though she’d slept okay, she still felt emotionally drained.

How long was she supposed to do this?

She felt like she was on a road to nowhere. Each day, she was putting one foot in front of the other, but had no idea where she was actually headed. It felt like at any moment she was going to reach a dead end and be forced in a new direction.

A new direction that would entail a whole lot of pain and heartache.

Curling on her side, Kelsey tried to find the motivation to get up. Even though she had a different shift than everyone else, she attempted to keep to a schedule, depending on if she was working or not. And she needed to stick to it.

With a sigh, she flipped back the blanket and sat up. She was very grateful that she had a room with an attached bathroom. In fact, she was very grateful that Rori and Lee had given her a room in their home. It was a beautiful space. Nicer than anything she’d had prior to marrying Zane.

Pushing up from the bed, she went into the bathroom to go through her morning routine. When she was done, she changed into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, then left her room.

Zane was usually downstairs when she went to the kitchen, and it seemed that would be the case that day too. The aroma of coffee reached her even as she stepped out of her room.

Bracing herself to see her husband, Kelsey gripped the smooth surface of the banister and made her way down to the main floor. When she walked into the kitchen, she immediately spotted Zane at the counter with a couple of mugs in front of him.

He looked up and smiled at her, his brown gaze warm. For a moment, she thought maybe his memory had returned. However, all he said was, “Good morning.”

Swallowing, Kelsey said, “Good morning.”

“Coffee?”

“Please.”

As she approached the counter, she noticed a large bouquet in a vase. It hadn’t been there earlier, so either Lee had asked him to pick up flowers for Rori, or he’d picked them up for her himself. Maybe as a thank you for opening her home to them.

“Here you go,” he said, sliding the mug across to her along with the cream she usually put in her coffee. “How did you sleep?”

She poured some cream into her mug. “Not too bad.”

Her eyes were puffy—she’d seen that in the mirror—but she hoped he wrote it off as her still being sleepy. She watched as he moved to put a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster.

Once the toast was out and buttered, he handed her the plate. “Thank you. How has your day been?”

“It’s been good,” he said as he picked up his mug and took a sip. “I went to talk to Pastor Kennedy.”

“Will’s dad?”

Zane nodded. “Yeah. I needed someone to talk to.”

“Is he like a therapist or something?”

“Yeah. Something like that. Most pastors also counsel members of their congregation as needed.”

Kelsey had so many questions, but she wasn’t sure he’d go into detail about his conversation with the pastor. “I hope it went well.”

“It went pretty good. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who is outside the family circle.”

“But isn’t he part of the family since Janessa is married to his son?”

“I suppose, but he’s been my pastor longer than he’s been my brother-in-law’s father.”

Kelsey kind of wished she had someone to talk to about everything, but her best friend—former best friend?—was apparently still mad at her, because she hadn’t replied to any of the messages Kelsey had sent her. So, she was left with no one to confide in.

Rori had ended up being a good friend, but she was still part of Zane’s family. Carisa might be a good option, but the woman seemed to have it all together, and Kelsey wasn’t sure that she’d understand what Kelsey was struggling with.

“After spending time with Pastor Kennedy, I went to the store and picked up a few things. Including these.” He gestured to the flowers. “Which are for you.”

Kelsey slowly lowered her mug to the counter. “For me?”

“Yes. I thought maybe you’d… like some flowers?”

She shifted off her seat and moved closer to the flowers. Leaning in, she took a sniff of them. “Oh, Zane, these are very beautiful.” She looked up at him. “Thank you.”

He smiled. “You’re welcome.”

As she slid back to where her toast and coffee were, she pulled the vase closer too, wanting to enjoy the bouquet. She had no idea what to think about Zane buying her flowers.

He’d done that a couple of times while they’d been dating, but these flowers were even more beautiful than any of those had been.

But that didn’t mean anything, of course. He didn’t remember anything about those previous bouquets, so he couldn’t have chosen this bouquet because it was nicer than those ones.

She needed to stop comparing what Zane did now to what he’d done prior to the accident. With him not having any memories of what had happened between them in the past, he was only working with their present circumstances.

Until he got his memory back, she had to stop the comparisons. And if that never happened, then she’d just have to get used to this Zane. If he still wanted her around.

The desire to get up and hug Zane to thank him for the flowers was strong, but Kelsey resisted. Not that they’d waited for their first hug at the beginning of their relationship. When they’d gone their separate ways that very first night, they’d hugged as they’d said goodbye.

Right then, though, she was afraid to initiate a hug, for fear he’d reject her. It felt like they taken a large step forward, and the last thing she wanted was to do anything to jeopardize that.

“Do you have plans for your afternoon?”

“Not really.”

Though she did plan to call and see about taking the nursing exam. It was time. She’d studied so much, and she’d taken the practice test and done okay. The authorization to test she’d received was also due to expire soon, so she wanted to get it done.

If things didn’t work out with Zane, she wanted to have the exam out of the way. Hopefully, she’d pass it on the first go, so she wouldn’t have to take it again.

“I do have to make a phone call, but other than that, I don’t have any big plans.”

“Do you want to help me with dinner?”

“Uh, sure.” It wasn’t the first time she’d done that. She was usually in charge of the salad. “I can make the salad again.”

“No. This time, I want help with the main meal.”

“Oh? What are we having?”

“Chicken parm.”

“Yum. But you don’t need my help with that.”

“I thought it might be nice to have it, anyway.”

Kelsey wasn’t going to turn his idea down. “Are you going to make the pasta?”

“ We’re going to make the pasta.”

Zane had never really taken the time to teach her how to cook. When they were at home and he would make their food, she usually just watched or helped out with the simpler things.

But make pasta? That was definitely not something she’d done before.

“I’m going to go take care of something, then I’ll be back.”

“Sounds good.”

Kelsey left the flowers on the counter, wanting to show them to Rori when she got home. Upstairs in her room, she sat down at the small desk to make her appointment. It didn’t take too long, and then she headed back downstairs to join Zane in the kitchen.

“We have plenty of time before we need to start on the pasta, since we don’t have to cook it until right before we’re to eat.”

Kelsey wondered if he was taking the time to teach her now because he wasn’t devoting so much of his day to cooking. Whatever the reason, she was going to roll with it. If things ended up not working out, she wanted to know that she had taken every opportunity to try.

For the next couple of hours, Zane walked her through how he made her favorite dish. He didn’t move too quickly— he literally couldn’t, thanks to the crutches—and he patiently answered all her questions.

When it came time to make the pasta, he told her to prepare to get her hands messy. Under his instruction, she combined flour, oil, salt, and eggs until it all came together into a smooth dough.

While it was resting, Kelsey quickly set the table in the breakfast nook, since it was going to be just the four of them. As she finished, she glanced over at Zane and saw him frowning down at his phone.

She froze, wondering what he’d say if she asked what he was looking at. As she approached the counter, he looked up as he slid his phone into the pocket of his shorts.

“Ready to make the noodles?” he asked.

“Yep.”

Once again, he led her through the steps, sticking close as he showed her how to work his pasta machine. Their arms bumped as he showed her how to feed the dough into the machine.

Partway through, Lee and Rori arrived home. Rori came to a stop, her eyes wide as she looked from where Kelsey and Zane stood together at the pasta machine to the large bouquet of flowers.

“Are we… interrupting?” Rori asked.

“Nope,” Zane said as he swung around on his crutches to lean back against the counter. “I decided to teach Kelsey how to make pasta.”

“Oh. Fun!” Rori ventured further into the room, a smile on her face. “I can’t wait to try it.”

“Let’s go get changed, love,” Lee said. “How long until dinner’s ready?”

“Probably about twenty minutes.”

Lee placed a hand on his wife’s back and guided her toward the entrance of the kitchen. “Sounds good.”

As they left the kitchen, Zane swung back around. “Okay. Let’s get this meal finished up.”

Kelsey tucked each of their moments of closeness into her heart to cherish, still not sure what had prompted Zane to spend this time with her. Though they had spent time together in the more recent days since his accident, this felt a lot more intentional.

Would this be a one and done thing?

She really hoped it wasn’t the last time they spent time together in the kitchen. It wasn’t a space that they’d shared a lot at their apartment in Tampa. At least not working together like they were right then.

Since he always moved so quickly and confidently, it probably wouldn’t have been enjoyable for either of them. He had an intensity in the kitchen that he didn’t quite lose, even when he was cooking at home.

This leisurely version of Zane was something she’d never seen before, and she was enjoying being allowed into this part of his life. For however long he let her be there.

“Great job,” Zane said when they got to the point of adding the pasta to the pot of boiling water.

“This has been fun,” Kelsey said, reaching for a cloth on the counter and taking a moment to fold it. “Thank you for teaching me. I appreciate it.”

“I’ve enjoyed it too.”

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. “Maybe we could do it again sometime…?”

“Sure. I could use a sous chef.”

Kelsey gave a huff of laughter. “You must be desperate.”

“Hey. You did a good job today. Are you sure you haven’t helped me in the kitchen before? You followed directions really well.”

If there was one thing she knew how to do, it was to do what she was told. Her parents had drilled that into her early on. Now, she might question things she was told to do, but if it made sense—or if she didn’t know any better—she usually did as instructed.

And apparently that was a good thing when it came to working in the kitchen with Zane.

Kelsey tried to keep her smile under control, when all she wanted was to beam at him. It was probably the best time they’d had together since the accident.

It wasn’t enough to fill her with total confidence that things were going to work out, but it grew her hope just a little.

When Friday rolled around a couple of days later, they were back in the kitchen. This time, they were making dinner for the four of them, as well as Carisa and Jackson.

Zane had decided that he’d treat for steak. They’d talked about the menu the night before, and he shared how he came up with the side dishes he’d serve once he chose the main part of the meal.

Kelsey wasn’t sure she’d ever use the information, but she wasn’t going to turn down the opportunity to learn about something that was important to Zane. It was more than she’d ever learned from him before.

Though she knew that this Zane was different, Kelsey hadn’t really realized exactly how different he was. And she didn’t really know how to process the differences. She loved her Zane, but there were things she really liked about this Zane, too.

“Can you carry this pan out to the barbecue for me?” Zane asked, gesturing to the large baking pan where he’d put the six steaks.

“Yep.” Kelsey picked it up, then headed for the back door that led out to the deck. Once out there, she set the pan next to the barbecue.

“Thanks,” Zane said as he approached her and leaned over to check the temperature of the barbecue. “I think it’s hot enough.”

It was a fancier barbecue than Kelsey had ever seen, but Zane seemed to know what to do with it. “Everything else is ready, right?”

“It is,” he said with a nod.

“I’ll go finish setting the table, then.”

Back inside, Kelsey carried the glasses to the table in the dining room. The last time they’d eaten there had been with Zane’s parents. Hopefully, this evening would be a little more relaxed.

The Halverson parents had stopped by the previous afternoon to say goodbye, and Kelsey had seen that they were continuing to try to interact with her more. She knew that if she wanted things to not be awkward when around Zane’s family, she had to meet them halfway.

She did want them all to get along, so even though it might end up being for nothing if things didn’t work out with Zane, she was trying to respond with a friendliness of her own. She had a feeling that this Zane would like her to get along with his family, even though her Zane hadn’t really seemed to care about that.

Rori and Lee had just arrived home from work when the doorbell chimed. Lee answered it as he and Rori headed for the bedroom.

“Kelsey!” Carisa greeted her with a big smile and a hug. “How are you doing?”

After they exchanged greetings, Jackson headed for the back door to join Zane at the barbecue.

“How are things between you and Zane?” Carisa asked, perching on a bar stool at the counter.

“They’re going… better,” Kelsey said. “He brought me flowers the other day. A beautiful bouquet.”

“Really?” Carisa’s eyes lit up. “That’s amazing.”

Kelsey nodded. “It was a surprise. I didn’t expect anything like that from him.”

“Did he used to bring you flowers?”

“Occasionally, yes.” Kelsey went to the fridge to get a pitcher of water. “But I didn’t expect anything like that right now.”

“It’s definitely a step in the right direction.”

“As long as he did it because he wanted to and not because he feels like he has to. I have no expectations of him,” Kelsey said. “So, I’d rather our interactions be genuine and not because of feelings of obligation.”

“Have you told him that?”

Before Kelsey could answer, Lee and Rori came into the kitchen, though Lee continued on through to the back door.

“So,” Carisa prompted once it was just them and Rori. “Have you told him that?”

“Told who what?” Rori asked, looking from Carisa to Kelsey. “What did I miss?”

“Zane brought her flowers,” Carisa said.

“I didn’t miss that,” Rori told her. “They’re beautiful.”

“Kelsey says she wants the stuff Zane does to be organic and not out of obligation.”

“Oh.” Rori’s brows lifted as she considered Carisa’s words. “That makes sense.”

“Do you think Zane is doing things out of obligation?” Carisa asked.

Rori’s brief hesitation was like a stab to Kelsey’s heart. If anyone would know that, it would be Rori or Lee. She stared at her friend, her heart aching.

“I don’t think he feels an obligation, per se,” Rori clarified. “I think he wants to do things for you that will help him view you as someone he loves.”

“Even if he doesn’t really love me?” Kelsey asked, a bit perplexed at the idea.

“As Christians, we believe that sometimes we have to choose to love someone, even if, at first, we don’t have those feelings,” Carisa said. “I believe Zane is choosing to love you, knowing that you are someone he has loved in the past, even if he doesn’t remember it.”

Kelsey wasn’t sure how she felt about that. It was a foreign concept to her, and it felt like it meant that Zane would force himself to love her. She didn’t want that.

“I think it will all work out,” Rori said as she gave Kelsey a hug. “We’re all praying toward that end, and I think Zane is as well.”

After feeling so high, Kelsey was suddenly back down on planet reality. She wasn’t mad at Rori and Carisa for what they’d said. She much preferred for them to be honest with her. It was important to be realistic.

And a big part of that was to not read too much into what Zane said or did. She would accept anything he did, but she wouldn’t assume that it came from his heart.

The back door opened, putting an end to their conversation. However, it didn’t put an end to it in her head.

“Everything ready?” Kelsey asked as Lee slid the platter of steaks onto the counter, while Jackson carried the baking pan they’d taken the meat out on.

“We’ll leave the steaks to rest while we get everything else on the table,” Zane said.

It wasn’t long before they were seated at the table, ready to dig into the meal. After saying grace, they began to eat, conversation flowing easily among the six of them.

Well, there wasn’t much flowing out of Kelsey because her thoughts weren’t anything she wanted to share. But she tried to participate in some of the discussions so that Rori and Carisa didn’t think she was upset by their earlier conversation.

She wished she could experience again how things had been when she and Zane had been falling in love for the first time. But that didn’t seem to be how things were going to unfold this time around.

Whether she liked it or not.