A Cruel Kindness

Chapter 25

Bellamy

We were back in the vans, heading back to the Bridge, no more than two hours later.

I thought Soren would choose a different car, but we both knew what would happen if he did. No matter the forced separation between us, I wouldn’t wish pain on him in any form.

This torture was bad enough.

Instead of sitting next to me, curling me against his chest like he had on the way over, he took the seat across from me.

Just enough proximity to satisfy the Bond’s confused, sorrowful musings, but far enough to keep an appropriate distance.

Soren’s eyes were distant and every time I looked at him I felt like crying.

I had already cried a considerable amount, collapsing to the floor inside my room once he’d left. Eventually, I’d made my way over to my bed, where my sheets still smelled like him.

I’d sobbed into the pillow he’d slept on until I had nothing left to give, trying to fill my lungs with his scent to calm my heart, knowing I’d likely never be able to bury my nose in his neck again.

Our knees brushed four times during the seven hour car ride. The first time, I caught a sob in my throat before it escaped. The second time, Soren held my eyes for five eternal seconds before dropping his head to the floor. The third and fourth we acted like it didn’t happen, even if twin lashes of heat and agony shot up my leg at the feeling.

Seven hours had never passed so slowly. I’d spent most of it internally bargaining with the Bond. Every conversation was about the same.

Can we go sit next to him?

No, we can’t.

Why not ?

Because that wouldn’t be right.

But he’s our Soul Mate. Why wouldn’t that be right?

That was where my ability to argue ended. I didn’t have a response that would satisfy either of us.

I felt numb, entirely drained. Every time I tried to focus on something other than that empty feeling, my mind went straight to every horrible possibility for my future.

And the one person I wanted to turn to for comfort wouldn’t look at me.

The worst part of it all was that I understood.

If our roles were reversed, if the Muli Prince had actually been a Princess and it was Soren they offered up as a bargaining chip, I would go insane.

I’d never experienced jealousy before. I didn’t even think it was the right word for it. The feeling in my chest was much darker, much heavier.

I couldn’t even bear the thought of it, so if Soren was actively living it and felt the need to put distance between us … I’d make myself respect it.

No matter how much my body craved his touch.

We arrived at the Bridge in a non-frills entry, simply striding through the front door. Williams—the soldier in charge of my early days of training—informed us that Freya and Adam were going to escort us across within the hour.

Williams was a general. He probably knew that it was important that we Cross as quickly as possible, if he wasn't already aware of the information I carried with me.

While we waited in the sterile room they had prepared for the Cross, Soren paced back and forth, refusing to look at me.

It was an effort not to cry.

Freya bounded in with Adam on her heels a second later.Adam was a little more sprightly than the Arthur, more likely to smile.

It was why I hadn’t noticed the gravity between Freya and her supposed Match until we’d gone to Muli.

Freya caught onto us immediately, her eyes swinging between me and Soren in confusion. The last time she’d seen us, we’d been fairly loved up.

Now there was a healthy five feet of distance between us. I caught her eye and shook my head, begging her not to push it.

She was gracious, the type of friend who would respect the fact that I could barely form a hi let alone a full explanation on what happened. I needed to work up the courage to tell anyone at all about what was in store for my future.

To protect me, Freya made it seem like we were in a rush to Cross, hurrying us along without another word about how our trip had been. Soren seemed to catch on, going along with the motions.

When the doors to the Bridge creaked open, spilling bright light into the room, I had less than a second to prepare for what was about to happen before Soren grabbed my hand.

If I thought the first Cross was painful, this was an entirely different beast. It was almost as if the Bridge could sense the rift between us and was punishing us for it, annoyed that we were wasting the gift we were given by resisting the Bond.

It felt like an animal was clawing at my chest, ripping back the skin and breaking through bones and muscle and flesh in search of my heart.

When I tried to turn my neck to look at Soren, I thought I broke it, the pain was so intense. His jaw was hard, clenching down on the joint.

That hurt the worst, watching him bite down and try to best the pain. Tears welled at my eyes, for him rather than myself.

I blinked them away as fast as I could, knowing it would do no good for either of us. He’d want to wipe them away, I’d want him to.

We stumbled forward, charging into the fresh Muli air and springing apart the second we could.

Only Peter, Ford, and Esme were there to greet us, surely to protect the bait and switch of Arthur slipping out of his tunnel and rejoining Freya as if his twin hadn’t done the same on Vir.

Whereas Freya was willing to set aside her observations for the sake of peace, Peter did not give us the same courtesy.

“What happened?” he snapped, immediately catching onto the tension between us.

I tried to answer, but no sound escaped my throat. Soren was the one to do it for us. “Nothing. We got the message to the Emperor. He accepted their offer.”

Peter nodded, even though his expression didn’t relax with the good news. He knew there was something deeper. “Alright,” he said, slowly. “I’ll coordinate another meeting with Elijah through his messenger. In the meantime, why don’t you head back to the cabin. It’s late. There is food there for you.”

He was right. Our journey had pushed us well into the night, so far that we were almost crossing into the next day.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to sleep in the same bed with Soren. Especially now that I knew what it felt like to fall asleep in his arms, nothing between us.

Soren took off towards the cabin on quick legs. Despite Ford’s attempt to appear passive at all times, his expression revealed more than he cared to admit. He noticed Soren’s anger and immediately followed him—a testament to their friendship.

Freya gave me a quick hug and whispered in my ear that she was here for me, but then took off towards the stables.

That left me and Esme.

“I have something for you,” I blurted out, reaching into my bag to pull out the box I swiped at the last moment.

Esme blinked down at it in confusion, as if she didn’t know what to do next, had never received a gift before. Slowly, her hand curled around the box and opened it.

Her eyes shot up to me a second later, welling with tears. “It’s yours,” I said, needing to make that clear. Carefully, she pulled out a stunning, delicate necklace made of rich gold intertwined with glowing emeralds. I knew she liked that green stone, though I’d never ask if it was because they replicated someone else's eyes.

“Thank you,” she whispered, voice full of emotion. That only kicked off my own swell again.

I nodded, then started walking, needing to do something with my body. Esme was quick on my heels.

“I can’t tell if you guys finally did it or not,” Esme said as we walked. Despite the humorous nature of her words, her tone was deeply serious. It was if she knew exactly how intense physical contact with your Soul Mate was, regardless of the fact that the Bond never awoke for her and Ford.

I was speaking before I could stop myself. “We did. That’s the problem.”

Esme took several seconds to respond. “Why?”

“Because I’m…” God, my throat was closing up just trying to get the words out. when I finally did, my voice sounded hollow. “Well, I guess I’m engaged now.”

Esme stopped dead in her tracks. “To him?”

“No. To—” I couldn’t even get it out.

“The Prince,” Esme finished for me. I nodded, trying and failing to keep my expression neutral.

“Oh, honey,” she said, her voice falling to a soft tone I’d never heard from her before. She pulled me into a hug, even though I didn’t think I’d seen her offer one to anyone, even Freya.

I accepted the gesture happily, but soon it felt mocking. The Bond wasn’t happy that she was the one comforting me.

As if she knew exactly what that was like, Esme pulled back with a careful smile. Her eyes were wistful, carrying knowledge in them that I’d never seen before. She grabbed one of my hands, clasping it between her own. “You know, they never tell you how cruel this is. They only consider it a kindness, giving you a Soul Mate. They promise you the love of your life, then make you live with whoever the Goddess picks for you, even if circumstances won’t allow you to.”

She sounded … well, she sounded like she was speaking from experience. “Esme…”

She shook her head, her lips pulling into a forced smile. “Don’t apologize for whatever you need to do to deal with this. Let Soren do the same. It will hurt less.”

The last thing she said was, “If it’s unbearable, please tell me.”

I wanted to push it, but I could tell on her face she didn’t want me to. Hell, I didn’t want to. I was too emotionally exhausted to say much of anything.

We walked in silence back to the cabin and I just felt thankful that I had somewhat of a support system through this fucking mess.

One that was willing to do anything to help me. That fact was evidenced by Esme laying herself down on the line to distract from the tension brewing.

The second we walked into the cabin, into the stifling, uncomfortable silence, she immediately picked a fight with Ford. “Did you touch my sweatshirt?” she snapped at him with forced harshness.

I knew she was doing it for me, but she always seemed more comfortable when they were annoying each other.

“I didn’t touch your sweatshirt, Esme,” Ford said carefully, looking up at her from his crouch on the floor where he was cleaning his rifle.

“Really? Because your insane commitment to organization probably made it disappear!”

“It wouldn’t fit me,” was Ford’s low, steady response.

“That doesn’t matter!”

“Yes, it does. I wouldn’t have any use for it. Do you think I’d take something I don’t have any use for?”

Esme tripped over Ford’s easy response, absolutely refusing to engage with her. She tried a different path. “I’m taking one of yours until I find it then!” she all but shrieked.

Something passed over Ford’s face, but he eventually responded, “Alright.”

“Ugh!” Esme yelled, throwing her hands up in frustration. Even if their tiff had started to give everyone something to focus on, Ford had clearly actually aggravated her.

I felt like smiling for the first time all day.

That urge shattered when Esme disappeared into their room, Ford on her heels, and I was forced to be alone with Soren again.

When I walked into our half of the cabin, I realized that Soren had already gotten in the shower. Probably to wash off the day.

I needed to do the same, but my clothes still smelled a little like him. I wasn’t ready for that to be washed away by the water and our new circumstances.

Regardless, I entered the bathroom after he left, our maneuvering stunted and awkward. Even before, when we were trying to avoid each other and the Bond, it didn’t feel like this.

We should have heeded the warning better.

Though our individual goals hadn’t mattered in the grand scheme of things, this would be a lot less painful if I hadn’t thrown caution to the wind and fallen for him.

The bathroom was still steamy from the shower and I was grateful for the fog in the mirror. I didn’t want to see what I looked like.

I used up all the hot water, sitting on the floor of the shower for an indiscriminate amount of time until the rain falling down on me grew cold.

Only then did I leave the bathroom, only to find our bedroom empty. Or so I thought, until I walked to the far side of the bed and saw that Soren had set up a cot on the floor.

He was turned toward the wall, either feigning sleep or actually slumbering from exhaustion.

The bed felt too cold, too empty without him.

At some point, I fell into a daze, my mind tired and unable to resist the Bond anymore. As I drifted into unconsciousness, the last thing I heard it say was, No. Not without him.