A Dream of Fate & Flesh (Courts of Malice #2)

42. It’s About Me

forty-two

It’s About Me

Alessia

“ W ait!” I sprint after Rainer, pumping my arms. “Rainer!”

Where the hell is he going?

He stared through me as if he couldn’t see me. It was like he was in a trance.

I keep going until my side tightens and my lungs screech for oxygen, forcing me to stop. I double over and gasp for breath. Sharp pains shoot up my legs, angry with the pace I pushed them to.

My breath comes back, but it doesn’t matter. Rainer’s long gone.

What happened?

I continue in the direction he went, scouring the woods, desperate for a sight of him. A branch breaks in the distance, and I jolt, focusing carefully on it. With each step, leaves crunch underfoot, sending bolts of unease through me.

“Rainer?” I whisper.

I round a broad oak tree and slam into a rigid body. I jerk away, stumbling to find my footing.

Rainer turns slowly. His eyes bear the ominous hue of a moonless midnight sky. It sends a shiver down my spine.

His bared fangs, stained crimson, drip blood down his chin .

There’s an unsettling shift in the air. I can’t quite pinpoint what’s off about him, but he oozes unfamiliarity. A hand lashes out for me, and I instinctively jerk back.

“ It’s not real ,” my voice whispers. The faint, shadowy figure materializes behind Rainer, mirroring the features reminiscent of my silhouette.

Rainer advances toward me, devoid of any hint of recognition. My eyes dart between him and the looming shadow-spirit.

“ Fight it ,” the shadow whispers.

“I can’t—how?” My voice sticks in my throat, and my body grows heavy. It’s as if my feet have sprouted roots, grounding me in place.

Rainer snarls. Spittle hits my face. He grabs me by the throat and yanks me towards him. Sharp fear drags its nails down my spine. Unlike his usual shows of possession, which are laced with tender care and adoration, this is pure, animalistic violence. It’s brutal—unwelcome.

His grip tightens, and my air cuts off. I claw at his hands, desperate to pry him away.

“ Find strength in fear ,” my voice whispers from somewhere beyond me, wrapping around me like a warm blanket.

I have no air to reply. I close my eyes, focusing on the shadow. Help . Help me . I continue to plead mentally as my head grows woozy and my legs deplete of their strength.

It’s not real. It’s not real.

It’s a hallucination .

I focus like I do in the dreamscape, desperate to change what’s before me. Because that’s all this is, right? A trick from the trees, altering my reality ?

Suddenly, the pressure dissipates. I drop to my knees, gasping for breath. My eyes whip open. Rainer’s gone. Only the shadow stands before me; its partially translucent form sways gently. A hand-like tendril extends, stretching toward me. I hesitate a moment before reaching for it. I expect to pass through it like smoke, but I’m taken aback as I grasp firmness. Cool like a whisper of morning fog, yet unexpectedly solid, yielding to my touch without dissipating. It hauls me upright with a tug, stirring a mixture of relief and disbelief.

“Are you real?” I whisper. While the grip of fear lingers, a more profound sensation emerges. One of awe. It pulls me toward the shadow, captivating me.

“ As real as you are .”

For a moment, I can’t tell if it’s speaking aloud or in my head.

Gritting my teeth, I fight to focus on reality. When the scene before me doesn’t change, I close my eyes. Just like in the dreamscape, I concentrate on lucidity.

“Ground me,” I mutter. “Bring me back to reality.”

I take a few deep breaths, focusing only on my immediate senses—the dirt beneath my feet, the breeze on my skin, and the chirping of the woodland bugs and birds.

Slowly, I crack open an eye. The shadow still hovers in front of me.

“ Don’t fear yourself, Alessia ,” it says in my voice. “ Find strength in fear .”

“That’s what Char said,” I say. That day I almost died—the day I met Ken and thought he saved me. But looking back, even he was surprised I survived. My eyes widen as the pieces click together. “That was you . You saved me that day. "

The shadow reaches forward, caressing my chin like cool steam. “ You saved us. "

“What do you mean…” The Cave.

When I stabbed it, I injured myself. Only I can sense its presence. It’s been with me from the moment I entered the realm.

The world around me seems to hold its breath as my focus on the shadow sharpens. My heart pounds in my temples.

“You’re part of me,” I say on a heavy exhale.

The shadow seems to relax, its movements less rigid. “ We are one .”

I didn’t receive magic at the Cave—didn't pass my trial—but my relationship with the shadow has changed.

“Are you magic?” My brow scrunches as I try to understand the possibilities.

The shadow seems to chuckle. “ I suppose, in a way .”

It reaches for me again, and I don’t flinch this time. I don’t hesitate.

“ Embrace me ,” it whispers.

As soon as it touches my skin, a flash of memories zing through me. They’re recognizable from the Cave of Reflection, mirror images of myself in slightly altered versions of reality.

I see myself pushing Eoin into the fire, the flash of pride on my expression. Murdering the lord and lady, a smug smile on my bloodied face.

My heart gallops with a boost of adrenaline, and a sickening enjoyment courses through me.

Just like when Rainer bites me, I realize.

A part of me… it likes the pain. The suffering. The darkness .

“No.” I rip free of the shadow, throwing myself backward .

“ We enjoyed it ,” the shadow whispers. “ Part of you is a dirty, violent creature. Wholly fae, wholly demon.”

“You and me—we are not the same.”

“ Embrace me ,” it repeats. “ You were born in another realm, yet your ancestral magic was birthed in your court. You must embrace me. ”

I scoff. Any lingering fear melts away with the realization that it can’t harm me. It needs me. But I don’t need whatever it is. If my magic comes with the darkness, the violence, I won’t accept it. I won’t embrace this… awful shadow- self of mine.

My head tilts back to the sky, and a relieved chuckle escapes. I almost worry I’m hallucinating again, except that my fears all revolve around Rainer, and he—

Rainer .

My heart pulsates, skipping a beat as I scan the forest. “Rainer?”

“ Over there ,” my shadow-self says. A wispy tendril points in a direction, and I follow it without hesitation.

I don’t trust it, but if it needs me to accept it, I’m likely safe.

“Rainer?” I call his name, trampling through the brush. Thorns and branches claw at me, desperate to keep me from finding him. I bite the inside of my cheek so hard that I taste blood, and part of me hopes Rainer can smell it. That it will lure him back to me.

I continue yelling his name, speeding through the woods recklessly.

Minutes later, I spot him.

On his knees in the foliage, he clings tightly to a log, tears streaming down his cheeks. His clammy face glistens with a layer of sweat, draining the color from his once vibrant complexion. He looks even more chaotic than usual, with leaves tangled in his hair and dirt streaks on his jaw.

“No. No. No.” He mutters in a broken voice, rocking with the log. “Mo róisín.”

My heart shatters into a million tiny pieces, like ceramic hitting the stone floor. I recognize that look on his face. This is his nightmare—his worst fear.

“I’m here,” I say urgently.

My knees hit the ground with a force that rattles my skull. I pry his fingers from the log, clasping his hands.

He turns toward me, an expression of rage clouding his features. A lethal hiss escapes him as his fangs appear at their full length. He lunges for me. With brutal force, his teeth pierce my neck, causing searing agony to erupt. Paralyzed by genuine fear, my muscles tight, and I’m rendered defenseless.

It’s no trick of the forest. No hallucination this time. The distinct scent of sweat and musk leaves no room for doubt—it’s undeniably him.

I’ve never feared Rainer would hurt me. I’ve feared for him, not of him.

But now…

Something’s wrong. He’s not himself. I think… I think the woods are causing him to hallucinate, too.

“Please,” I whisper. I remain cautiously still, aware that any sudden jerk could result in his fangs tearing my throat.

“I’m not afraid,” I whisper. “You’re stronger than this.”

In a split second, the pain dissipates, and Rainer forcibly flings himself backward .

“No. No. No.” His eyes widen. He uses the back of his sleeve to wipe the blood from his lips. “Alessia.”

“We need to go.” As I clutch my neck to stem the bleeding, I stretch out my other hand towards Rainer, hoping he’ll grasp it so we can go.

He jumps to his feet and effortlessly lifts me off the ground in one swift motion. The world abruptly shifts sideways, and a gasp escapes my lips. Before I can fully embrace him, he takes off like a bolt of lightning, sprinting through the dense woods. I squeal, wrapping my arms around his neck.

“We need to get out of here,” he yells.

I gaze up at him as he runs, watching his eyes quickly scan the path ahead, but a softness creeps in whenever he glances down at me.

“I hurt you,” he pants, voice strained and filled with regret. “Mo róisín, I’m—”

“Don’t you dare apologize, Rainer. We both know this wasn’t your fault.”

“It is—”

“We don’t have time for this.” I clutch him tighter. “Hurry the feck up and get us out of here.”

He squeezes me tighter, giving a sharp nod and pushing harder. His chest rises and falls rapidly against me, each breath fueling his desperate exertion.

I finally understand why the fae mock human pleasantries. Things like sorry and thank you lack impact unless they are backed by genuine intent. The power of actions far surpasses the significance of mere words .

Rainer has demonstrated his feelings towards me through his actions, even in the most challenging moments.

The land undergoes a drastic change before my eyes. It changes swiftly from a lively and colorful scene to a chilling and grim one. The woods become a realm of silence and darkness, with bare, twisted branches creating ghostly silhouettes. They resemble spectral fingers.

It looks familiar. My mind whirls as I try to place how I’ve seen it before.

“We’re clear,” Rainer says, panting. “This isn’t… part of the… Cursed Wood.”

“Shyga?” I ask, scanning the murky swap.

The air is heavy with the earthy scent of decaying leaves and stagnant water. A pinch of sulfur has me scrunching my nose. And the sound? It’s as if the bog has a way of muting noise, leaving only a deafening silence behind. That, or it’s entirely void of life. Perhaps both. Between the ashy, blackened trees, pools of still water sit, their surfaces murky.

Rainer sets me down with care. We tread quietly, the ground sucking our boots into the mud with a slurping sound.

My roots lie here, and my ancestors grew here. This land belongs to me. The thought may be foreign, but it feels right. The land’s call resonates in my veins, connecting us.

A wave of tingling anticipation and nervous energy overwhelms me. My pulse quickens as I propel myself towards Rainer in a tangle of limbs, urgently kissing him with a deep need to convey my forgiveness. My gratitude.

Everything else falls away .

I might never have found my way back here if it wasn’t for him. There’s something unexplainable about it, but deep down, I know it’s where I belong.

Rainer breaks free from my lips. He grips my chin tenderly, angling my head to see my neck. “Shallow,” he murmurs. “It stopped bleeding.” His shoulders relax, and he closes his eyes for a moment.

“Even when you lose control, you’re still careful with me, Rainer.” I cup his cheek. His eyes flick open, glistening with sorrow. “You won’t hurt me.”

“ Until one day when he does, ” my shadow-self whispers from somewhere unseen. “ You fear yourself, yet you sleep with monsters. ”

I force a smile, swallowing the thickness in my throat.

It doesn’t matter what my shadow-self says. I’m with Rainer. I’m home . “I’m safe,” I murmur.

My shadow-self continues to taunt, whispering for only me to hear, “ Everything deadly was once deemed safe. ”

At that moment, a fleeting thought crosses my mind, questioning whether the reference is about Rainer… or if it’s about me.