A Dream of Fate & Flesh (Courts of Malice #2)

47. Choose Me

forty-seven

Choose Me

Alessia

T he day’s light dims just as we step through the iron gate laced with roses and vines. It creaks open with a rusty greeting.

"My gates are not tacky," Rainer mutters, holding it open for me.

Only months ago, I stepped over this same threshold, brimming with grief and fear. Now, though my feelings are similar, they don’t weigh me down the same.

Not only has my physical strength increased since being in Avylon, but I have noticed a significant difference in my emotional and mental fortitude.

I’m buzzing with newfound energy and endurance, ready to tackle the difficulties ahead. Well, perhaps not prepared , but at least willing to try and give it my all, despite being afraid.

Fear’s vines no longer bind me.

“Home sweet home,” Rainer says with a soft sigh. He reaches for my hand, and I relent. After everything we’ve been through, I can’t help but soften toward him. He laces his fingers through mine, leading us up the winding path toward his towering castle.

It no longer intimidates me. Instead, I see a quiet, powerful strength in the weathered brick. It draws me forward like a familiar friend, promising a safe, secure place to heal and grow. The wall around the property no longer feels confining but rather protective .

A couple of pixies flit about our heads in a whir of excitement and fluttering wings. “The prince is back! The prince is back! The prince is back!”

Rainer shakes his head, a soft smile on his lips. He doesn’t shoo them away. They do, however, zoom away on their own accord a moment later.

I glance back at Tynan and Seraphina. Their faces are in matching discomfort, and their feet drag across the lawn. We need to figure out the next steps for us all, and Umbra Court is the place to do it.

Rainer surprised me by inviting everyone back—including Tynan and Seraphina, although I reluctantly invited the latter. I figured it’s better to have her close to keep an eye on her, but now that I already have my magic, plus she knows killing the queen will also kill her beloved Ezamae, I don’t foresee any issues with her.

There’s a sense of relief in the air for Rainer to admit his nature and claim his vampyr brother openly. He anticipates confusion, fear, and pushback from the court as they learn the truth, but he’s the Prince of Fear. It’s not the worst thing he’s faced.

He can handle it.

Unfortunately, Ezamae had to zip off to recharge and uphold duties after dropping us off. He said not to expect him anytime soon.

The colossal front door creaks open before we make it across the property to the castle, and the clamoring begins.

Ken runs toward us, his weapons clinking with each heavy step. A contagious smile breaks out on his face, transforming his appearance from lethal to warm .

He slams into Rainer, ripping his hand from mine. Ken scoops him into a bearhug with a dramatic grunt, lifting his feet off the ground.

“Put me down,” Rainer says, but the dimple in his cheek betrays his command.

Behind them, Das Celyn steps out, raising a hand to shield their eyes even though the sky is overcast.

Fern pokes her head out the door, hesitantly taking in the scene. I smile at her and beckon her over. Her burgundy hair is tied back into a braid, and she wears flats.

“Nice shoes,” I say.

“Got them from your room.” She shrugs, flinging her silky braid over a shoulder. “Figured you wouldn’t mind.”

“You look good, Fern. They suit you.” She has less makeup on, and her complexion glows.

Does it have anything to do with Rainer not being here to feed on her? Discomfort scrapes my heart, and my smile falters.

“They’re practical.” She toys with the hem of her tunic. Are those pants new for her, too? “Considering I’m training with the shifters.”

“You… what?” I squeeze her arm, my excitement for her bubbling out.

She rolls her eyes but can’t keep her smile from forming. “Just a little. I saw how much it helped you. Figured I could do it too.”

“Of course you can.” I pull her to my chest. She might not have taken me up on my offer to escape together all those months ago, but this might be better. Rainer’s court is safe, and if Fern is willing, she’ll find opportunities here just like I did.

“Plus, I made a new bargain, so I’m bound.”

My heart drops at the thought of another manipulative faerie trick. “With who? For what?”

She chuckles. “Don’t look so worried. After you left, Rai Rai told me he no longer needed my blood. It all works out, though. We made a new deal,” she whispers conspiratorially. “If I stay here and choose to fulfill a new role, he’ll continue to extend his protections.”

“Will you be working with Das Celyn in the kitchens?”

She wiggles her fingers at me. “Do these look like serving hands to you?”

I open my mouth to tell her that fighting will ruin her hands far worse than working in the kitchens ever would, but I stop myself. Instead, I offer a smile. She can find out for herself. She’ll be better for it.

“I’m proud of you,” I say,

She inclines her chin. “Yeah, well... I’d say thanks or something, but you know.” She looks past me, and her expression falls.

I follow her line of sight and catch Tynan staring at her. He fed plenty when I spilled the lord and lady’s blood, but it doesn’t mean I trust him unattended.

“He won’t hurt you,” I whisper to Fern.

She gulps, forcing a smile before retreating to the castle.

I shoot Tynan a warning look, and he shrugs. “I’m not even thinking about it.”

Das Celyn approaches me next, and though they wear a scowl, they pat my shoulder affectionately. “What’s worse than one human?”

“Two humans?”

They snort. “Not so dense anymore, eh?”

I laugh. “What about one and a half humans? Since I’m only half.”

Stilling, their mouth forms a little O as their brows shoot up. “No shite?”

“No shite.”

They laugh, their face transforming into a portrait of youth and humor. “That’s a story for another day, eh?” They squeeze my arm. Their eyes roam my hair, and they grimace. “Do you know how long it will take me to detangle that mess? You gone and ruined your darn curls, for fae’s sake.”

They sigh and shuffle away.

“But that means you’re gonna help me with it, right?” I call after them.

They wave a hand over their head without looking back, mumbling about preparing a welcome feast for the prince.

As large hands plant beneath my armpits, the ground disappears beneath my feet.

“Little human!” Ken booms, lifting me.

My stomach drops to my toes, and I yelp as he tosses me in the air. He catches me as I come back down, spinning me around and then crushing me to his chest.

I grunt as the air leaves my lungs. “Crushing me,” I gasp.

“Oops.” He puts me down, planting a hand on my head.

“I’m happy to see you, too.” I chuckle.

“I knew you could do it.” He beams, his chest puffed out. “I knew you’d get Rainer.”

“Only because you believed in me.” I pat his hand. “You’re a good friend.”

He strokes his beard. “Really? ”

“One of the best I’ve ever had.” It’s the truth. I never imagined crossing the Gleam would result in many new, fulfilling relationships.

“I can’t wait to hear about your adventures,” Ken says. He leans forward, whispering in my ear. “Who is the cutie with the braids?”

A laugh bursts out, and I shake my head. Then, I introduce Ken and Seraphina. The bear shifter can hold his own; he doesn’t need my warnings.

Rainer reaches for me, pulling me to him possessively. He plants a soft kiss on my forehead. I smile into his chest, letting him hold me. Pretending that, just for now, everything is okay between us—that we’re two ordinary folk having a regular day together.

Love makes you weak , the voice inside me whispers.

I ignore it, gripping Rainer tighter. I’m in control—not my shadows. Not my darkness.

By the time I finally get Rainer alone, we’re both spent. We lie in his bed together, the beginnings of morning light peeking around his curtains.

“Alessia, about our bond…” He grips the back of his neck, avoiding my eyes.

My gut sinks, hating the way he used my name in such a serious manner. I want nothing more than to sink into him, to feel his love seeping into every pore, but I know we can’t avoid this conversation.

“Tell me,” I whisper. “I can handle it.”

“Soul- bonds are different from the magical bonds like the one Yvanthia is using...”

“Go on,” I say, squirming nervously.

“It’s platonic, of course, allowing us the advantage of dreamwalking with one another. The theory is that our souls connect on such a deep level that it transcends the physical realm.”

My heart flutters at the thought of our love being powerful enough to do that.

“That magic works despite wards, it would seem,” I add, thinking of how we dream walked even when he was in prison.

“Yes. But Alessia…” He shakes his head. He pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. When he finally looks at me, sorrow drenches his expression. “We can never take things further.”

“What?” I jerk up, hovering over him.

“If we consummate our bond, our lives are tethered to one another.”

“I know—”

“And I can’t stand the thought of something happening to you because of me .”

Whenever I was intimate with Rainer, he stopped us from going too far. I thought he wasn’t ready. I thought maybe it was his first time. I had never expected it to be because of this .

Squeezing my eyes shut, I focus on taking deep breaths.

That didn’t happen. So it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to focus on what-ifs.

Focus on the reality.

See? He’s selfish, dangerous, and—

No !

I cut off the dark voice inside me, refusing to entertain it. This is Rainer. He would never betray me. This is why he’s telling me now. It’s why he didn’t let us go all the way.

He would never intentionally hurt me.

He’s kept so much from you. He has the potential to ruin you—to end you. No cock is worth such a price .

“Shut up!” I screech.

My eyes whip open, landing on a confused Rainer. He stares at me with concern, and it breaks my heart. I jump out of bed.

“Alessia?” he whispers, reaching for me.

I jolt away, frazzled by my thought spiral.

“Not you,” I mutter. “I—”

I don’t know how to explain that my shadow-self is louder now that I’ve embraced it—that I feel the depths of its anger roiling beneath my skin.

It terrifies me, but I understand it.

“I can’t do this,” I whisper.

My vision grows watery as the tears blossom. They begin to spill out and I put my back to him.

“Can’t do what?” His voice is small, broken. So unlike the confident, borderline arrogant male, I’ve come to adore.

I swallow the lump in my throat. “This. Us.”

Not right now.

This darkness inside of me must be quelled. I can’t let it consume me, or I risk becoming like…

Like them— Edvin, Nilda, Yvanthia, and anyone else who lets their violence and vengeance win.

"We don't need sex to have a fulfilling, intimate relationship," he says softly.

"It' s not that." My voice cracks.

He runs a hand through his hair, keeping his icy eyes locked onto mine. "Then what?"

“I need to process this and figure out how I feel,” I choke out. “Alone. I need space.”

“No. Choose me, Alessia.” He reaches for me, running his fingers up my arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. I shudder, but I break our stare and turn away, putting my back to him. He steps closer until his front is pressing into my backside. “Please.”

I shake my head, not saying anything.

The heat of his body caresses me as he leans forward, his breath on the shell of my ear. “We don’t ever have to consummate the bond if you don’t want to, mo róisín. I would never expect you to. Never pressure you to. But please don’t give up on us.”

A sob escapes me, and I press my hand to my mouth to quiet myself. Rainer stands patiently beside me, gently caressing my skin and peppering my shoulder with dainty kisses.

“I choose you, always,” he says, breaking my heart with his kindness. “Just choose me, too. It’s you and me taking on the realms together, little rose. You and me defying the odds and facing fate.”

“Rainer,” I whisper, “I… can’t.”

My heart squeezes as I say the words, a sharp pain I’ve never felt before slicing me in half. It tells me that Rainer’s thorns are embedded too deeply inside me ever to remove.

But how can I love him when I don’t even love myself right now? The hypocrisy of it is so thick I almost choke on it. Finally, Rainer is in a place where he can openly accept himself. But now, I’m not.

And I can’t choose him. Not yet.

Because right now, I choose me.

I need to choose me.