A Forbidden Night with a Scot (Sins in a Kilt #1)

Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

D rip. Drip. Drip.

The sound of the water dripping from Samuel’s clothes echoed up and down the hallways of Gavin’s castle as he sought out Nerian. It was late at night, but there was no one else to whom Samuel could turn, and after the incident at the lake, he desperately needed some friendly advice.

What have I done? How could I dae this tae Alicia?

He had let his own desires get in the way of what was right. He had disappointed not only himself, but Alicia and Gavin, too, even if his friend didn’t know it—and even if he would never find out.

He could imagine the look of utter betrayal on Gavin’s face, the shock and horror upon realizing he had almost defiled his daughter like this. He could imagine the fallout that would follow, the complete annihilation of their friendship. Gavin would never want to see him again before his eyes. He would never want to let him see Alicia, either.

An’ I cannae blame him. I would dae the same if I were him.

In fact, he would do the same now, too. He and Nerian were leaving the following morning. Until these feelings subsided, he would stay far away from Alicia.

Samuel was in a frenzy when he reached Nerian’s chambers, knocking repeatedly on his door until it was finally flung open. At the other side, his friend bore a scowl until he noticed Samuel’s state and stood a little straighter, smoothing back his hair and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“What happened tae ye?” Nerian asked, stepping aside to let Samuel walk in. “Where were ye? Why are ye soaked?”

“At the loch,” said Samuel, and for the first time, he realized just how cold he was. The castle corridors were freezing at that time of the night, and even Nerian’s chambers were a little cold, the coals in the fireplace doing little to warm him until he was standing right by them.

“The loch?” Nerian asked with a frown. “Ye fool, what were ye doin’ in the loch? An’ why did ye fall in with yer clothes?”

As he spoke, he dragged a chair from the corner of the room next to the fireplace and forced Samuel to sit, before he stoked the fire and added some more wood. Samuel watched the bright orange flames as they were rekindled, drowning in his shame and shivering as he tried to rub some warmth back into his arms.

“I went tae find Alicia,” he said as Nerian sat across from him, in another chair he dragged over. “Katherine said she had gone fer a swim an’ I wished tae speak with her, but when I reached the loch, I thought?—”

Samuel couldn’t even finish his sentence. He still shook from the dread that had gripped him the moment he saw Alicia submerged in the water like that. His first and only thought had been that something had happened to her, that perhaps she was unconscious or even dead, and he had not stopped for a single moment to think or even to remove his clothes before he jumped into the water, the only thing in his mind the desire to save her. That moment had etched itself into Samuel’s mind, along with every image it had conjured in the few seconds it had taken him to jump into the water and reach her: Alicia’s body, devoid of life, floating in the water unmoored by consciousness.

Nerian understood, Samuel knew, without him having to finish his sentence. He had been there for him when Thomasina and Nyall had perished—one of the first people to find out about their fate and comfort Samuel as best as he could.

“Is she alright?” Nerian asked with concern. “Did somethin’ happen tae her?”

Samuel shook his head. “She’s fine. She was merely tryin’ tae hide, I think, because she didnae recognize me.”

Nerian nodded, but his brows furrowed in confusion. “So why dae ye look so morose?”

Though Samuel had come to Nerian’s chambers with the explicit purpose of telling him everything about him and Alicia, now that the time had come, he found it was almost impossible to speak. The guilt choked him, like a physical force around his throat, his chest, cutting off the air to his lungs, and even as he parted his lips to speak, no words came out.

Nerian knew him well enough to understand something was torturing him—something he had difficulty sharing even with him, which could only mean it was something serious. He leaned a little closer, sitting on the edge of his seat, and his hand came to rest on Samuel’s shoulder, giving it a gentle pat.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure ye dinnae have tae feel like this over it,” Nerian said.

“Ye only say that because ye dinnae ken what it is,” Samuel countered.

Nerian would judge him for it, he thought. Who in their right mind wouldn’t? Even if they were friends, even if they had been there for each other throughout the years, this was something unforgivable. Would he, too, ostracize him for it? Would he be entirely disgusted by his behavior, like Samuel himself was?

“Well, then ye have tae tell me what it is,” Nerian insisted. “Did ye kill someone?”

“What?” Samuel asked, frowning. “Nay, I didnae kill someone. Why would I dae that?”

“What else would I think with the way yer actin’?” asked Nerian. “So what is it if it isnae that?”

Closing his eyes, Samuel leaned back on the chair and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off the oncoming headache. He had to confess. If nothing else, Nerian would talk some sense into him, make it more obvious than ever before that what he was doing was wrong and that he needed to stop.

“It had been a while since I last saw Alicia,” he said, and instantly recognized this for what it was: an attempt to soften the blow, to excuse himself and his actions, even if there was no real excuse. “When I saw her again now, she was… different… a woman, when she had once been a lassie.”

Nerian hummed in agreement, though he didn’t seem to know where Samuel was trying to take this conversation. Despite his best efforts, a headache had already begun to plague Samuel, along with a nausea that seemed to be never-ending those days, and he wished he could now avoid this conversation. Knowing Nerian, though, he wouldn’t let him leave the room until he had told him everything that was on his mind.

“She has always been …. quite fond o’ me,” Samuel continued. “An’ I thought it was naething but an infatuation. Naething more.”

“But it’s more than that.” It wasn’t a question. When Samuel finally opened his eyes to look at Nerian, he saw understanding dawn on him as he stiffened, sitting a little straighter in his chair. “Well, it’s nae so bad, is it? Even if the lassie is in love with ye…”

Nerian’s voice trailed off as he noticed the grimace of pain and agony on Samuel’s face. He sighed, leaning back in his seat as he observed Samuel, and Samuel couldn’t help but feel as though he was under scrutiny, Nerian peering right through him.

“Are ye tryin’ tae say that ye are also in love with her?” Nerian asked carefully, his tone hesitant.

Is it?

Was Samuel in love with Alicia, he wondered? The fact that he found her irresistible was undeniable. She had been invading his thoughts in all of his waking moments and even in sleep, when he saw her in his dreams. There was no time of the day when he didn’t think about her, when she didn’t exist at least in some capacity in his mind. Even when he was busy with something else or when he was having a conversation with someone, she was still there, at the back of his mind, always demanding a part of his attention.

But it was more than that, Samuel knew. His affliction was not only one of the flesh, but also one of the heart. Alicia had always been dear to him, but now those feelings had shifted, morphing into something else, something deeper that he could hardly believe himself.

He was starting to fall for her. It was the only explanation for those conflicting feelings.

Pursing his lips in a tight line, Samuel nodded reluctantly, finally admitting the truth. Another sigh escaped Nerian as he rubbed his forehead wearily, turning to stare into the fire.

I’ve lost a dear friend. Surely, he must hate me now.

But when Nerian dragged his eyes back to Samuel, his gaze held no trace of hatred. “Well, she is meant tae wed a man much older than ye,” Nerian pointed out. “Ye would certainly be a better match.”

Samuel was stunned speechless for what felt like an eternity. “How can ye say that?” he asked quietly, shocked. “Are ye nae disgusted with me?”

“Disgusted?” asked Nerian with a short chuckle, one that Samuel didn’t appreciate at all. How could his friend be laughing at a time like this? Did he truly not understand the gravity of the situation? “Why would I be disgusted?”

“Because!” said Samuel, which was really no explanation at all, he realized, just as he spoke. “Because… because I’ve kent her fer so long! An’ I’m almost fifteen years older than her! An’ I’m her faither’s friend! Gavin will have me head if he finds out.”

“Och aye, he probably will,” said Nerian. “But he doesnae have tae find out. Ye willnae dae anythin’ about this, will ye?”

Before he could stop himself, Samuel dropped his gaze to the floor, blood rushing to his face. It was as good as any admission, and Nerian stared at him in surprise, pushing off his chair to pace up and down the room.

“Ye will?” he asked. “Or ye have?”

“I have,” Samuel admitted. “At the loch, I… kissed her an’—”

He couldn’t tell Nerian the rest, but his friend could easily put two and two together. After a few more moments of pacing, Nerian came to sit back down, this time dragging his chair so close to Samuel that their knees knocked together.

“Is there a chance she’s…”

It took Samuel a few moments to realize what it was Nerian was insinuating, but then he shook his head vehemently. “I didnae touch her like that,” he assured him. “I barely touched her at all! It didnae… it was only a brief thing.”

“So, she’s still pure?”

“O’ course she is!”

Nerian nodded, relieved. “Good. That’s good. Well, if ye hardly touched her, then it doesnae matter. We will leave on the morrow an’ she will wed Laird MacTavish.”

“But how can Gavin an’ I allow this tae happen?” Samuel asked. “Ye said it yerself. Laird MacTavish is even older than I am. He is nae a match fer her.”

“Perhaps,” Nerian said. “But what is there tae dae about it?”

That was another thing that had been plaguing Samuel. What could he do to save Alicia from her fate? What could he do that Gavin couldn’t?

He hated this feeling of helplessness that had gripped him ever since learning about the marriage. He hated his own inaction in the face of hardship. Alicia didn’t deserve to spend her life with a man she wouldn’t love and who wouldn’t love her, and yet Samuel could only stand by and watch as she was forced to do just that.

With a sigh, Nerian stood and slapped Samuel’s back comfortingly. “It’s alright. Dinnae blame yerself fer fallin’ in love. How could ye ever control that?”

Samuel wished he could see it the way Nerian did, but his guilt would never run dry. Even if he never saw Alicia again, even if nothing else ever happened between them, he would still have to live with this guilt hanging over him for the rest of his life.