A Forbidden Night with a Scot (Sins in a Kilt #1)

Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

T he knock on the door startled Alicia and she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes as she asked, “Who is it?”

“Me,” called Samuel’s voice from the other side. “Please, Alicia, let me inside. I wish tae speak with ye.”

What a fool tae have followed me here! What if Faither suspects?

Yet Alicia couldn’t deny she was flattered Samuel had followed her. A warmth spread in her chest at the thought that he had risked it all to come and make sure she was alright, and she wanted to open the door and let him inside just as much as she wanted to tell him to go away.

What was there for him to say that she hadn’t heard before? Samuel couldn’t offer her any comforting words, nor could he give her a promise that they would be together. He would never do such a thing. All he would say was that it was wrong, and Alicia had heard it all before. She didn’t need a reminder.

“Please,” Samuel repeated, his voice soft through the door, and Alicia couldn’t resist anymore. She opened the door and let him inside, watching as he paced around the room a few times. “There isnae much in here, is there?”

It was true; there was nothing in the room save for a large bed, a cabinet, a washbasin, and a fireplace to keep it warm, along with a thick, well-used carpet. It was far from the luxury either of them was used to, but Alicia thought that was beside the point.

“Is that why ye came here?” she asked, voice tight. “Tae talk about the rooms?”

Samuel shook his head, drawing in a deep breath. “Nay. But ye already kent that.”

Walking over to the bed, Alicia perched herself at the edge of the mattress, hands folded in her lap. “Speak, then,” she said. “Though I think I ken what ye will say.”

“What will I say?”

“That this is wrong,” Alicia said without hesitation. “That it is a mistake.”

Samuel lowering his head and avoiding her gaze was all the confirmation Alicia needed. He hadn’t so much come there to comfort her, then, as to try and force her to change her attitude.

“Are ye afraid o’ me faither?” she asked. “Is that why ye came here? Tae tell me tae stop actin’ like this?”

“Nay,” said Samuel immediately, shaking his head, but then he paused, seemingly reconsidering it. “I mean, I dinnae wish fer him tae find out the truth, o’ course. I’m sure it’s the same fer ye.”

Alicia gave it some consideration and decided that while she was, indeed, afraid of her father, she would still find the courage to tell him the truth if it meant that she could be with Samuel. She didn’t think what she was doing was any worse than being forced to marry Laird MacTavish. If anything, at least she loved Samuel and she knew he would never hurt her—not on purpose.

“The only reason I willnae say anythin’ tae him is because I ken it will upset him an’ there is nay point,” she said. “Ye will never see me as anythin’ but a lassie. Why would I upset him when ye dinnae want this? When ye dinnae want me?”

“I dae,” Samuel said without hesitation as he came to stand in front of Alicia and then knelt by her feet, taking her hands in his. “I want ye, but it is wrong. Every time I think about ye, I am filled with guilt. Ye deserve better than me, Alicia.”

“It isnae a matter o’ what I deserve,” Alicia said, shaking her head. “An’ besides, ye ken me fate. Ye insist what we have is wrong, but ye will allow me tae wed Laird MacTavish, as though that is any better.”

At her words, Samuel’s expression darkened, a flash of betrayal crossing his features. “Ye ken I would dae anythin’ tae stop this marriage,” he said. “But it isnae up tae me. There is naething I can dae.”

“Aye,” said Alicia with a bitter laugh. “This is what everyone says.”

Slowly, she disentangled herself from Samuel, and he stood once more, resuming his pacing around the room. She watched him wearily, now wishing for the first time that she could be truly alone, without even his presence nearby. The mere sight of him was enough to send that pang of pain through her again and again, each rejection stinging more than the last.

“I’m sorry,” he said in the end, not daring to meet her eyes. “I truly am, Alicia, an’ if there is anythin’ I can dae tae stop it, ye ken I will. I can… I could try tae find a way. Fer ye.”

Could this be anything more than an empty promise, she wondered? Was there something Samuel could do to save her from her fate or was he simply trying to make her feel better with meaningless words that would be followed by inaction?

She thought the latter was most likely. If there was a way for that marriage to come to an end before it had even started, she hadn’t yet found it, and it seemed unlikely she or anyone else would.

“Well , I’m sure ye will be busy now,” Alicia said, her irritation growing with every passing moment. She was tired of everyone telling her what she could and couldn’t do. She was tired of following other people’s plans and letting them dictate her life. “The servin’ wench will certainly keep ye busy.”

It was an unfair comment, perhaps, and Alicia regretted it the moment she saw the incredulous look on Saul’s face. She truly was doing nothing to help her case, she thought. If anything, she was only making it worse, proving to him that she was the child he thought she was.

“I have allowed much foolishness so far,” Samuel said, and whatever regrets Alicia had for her behavior vanished, instantly replaced by rage. “But I willnae allow this.”

Foolishness, he says! He dares call me the fool!

Standing, Alicia walked over to Samuel and looked at him right in the eye, lips twisting in an unpleasant snarl. “Ye have said enough! Just as I thought, ye only came here tae tell me this is wrong. That me feelings fer ye are wrong. An’ I dinnae wish tae hear it. If there is naething else ye wish tae say, then I’d rather be alone now, thank ye.’

With a sigh, Samuel pinched the bridge of his nose, a grimace of pain flashing over his features. “It is me own feelings that are wrong,” he said. “Ye’re young an’ what yer feelin’ is… it is innocent. I cannae say the same about me. There is naething innocent about me feelings fer ye, Alicia, an’ that is precisely why I must stay away from ye. Ye will thank me in a few years, once ye understand just how revoltin’ I am.”

“This is what ye dinnae understand,” Alicia insisted. “I dinnae think ye are revoltin’. I want ye, Samuel, an’ naething ye say can change that. I want ye just as ye are. I’m nae a wee lassie anymore. I’m a woman, an’ I ken what I want.”

Though Alicia could see that Samuel wanted to argue with her further about it, he eventually decided against it. He seemed to deflate a little as he took a deep breath and a stepped away from her, putting some distance between them once more.

It was always like this; there was always this distance, put there by Samuel refusing to get too close. It would always be there, Alicia knew.

“How long have ye been feelin’ like this?”

The question caught Alicia by surprise. At first, she parted her lips, the answer coming easily to her: forever. But then she decided against telling him the truth. Admitting that she had loved him for so long would only embarrass her further.

“Nae long,” she said. “But what does it matter?”

“It matters,” Samuel said, as he made his way to the door, to leave Alicia alone just as she had asked him. Still, it pained her to see him leave. “In a few years, ye willnae even remember about me.”

Then, he left without another word, the click of the door as it shut punctuating his last words.

Alicia knew them to be untrue. There was no way she would ever forget Samuel. It had already been so long since this infatuation had first burrowed in her chest, making a home in her heart, and her feelings hadn’t faded with time. They had only gotten stronger now that she was around him once more, and now that she had had a taste of his touch.

Even if Samuel refused to touch her ever again, she would always crave it.

The hours came and passed for Alicia without her noticing. Ever since her conversation with Samuel, she had only spoken to one other person: her sister. She could understand her better than anyone else and was the only one not trying to change her mind.

Even as the darkness of the night fell around them, though, and it was finally time for her to sleep, she found that she couldn’t. She had spent the entire day thinking about Samuel, and it was no different now, the memory of their conversation making Alicia toss and turn in the bed she shared with Katherine, while she slept peacefully next to her.

She would never get any rest like this, Alicia knew, and so she stood and threw her cloak around her shoulders, feet slipping into her shoes before she crept as soundlessly as she could out of the room, trying not to wake Katherine.

Samuel had the room right next to theirs, Alicia knew, only because she was familiar with his footsteps and she could hear them through the wall. For a moment, she stood outside, glancing up and down the corridor of the inn to make sure she was alone, before she knocked on his door, impatiently waiting for him to open it.

Perhaps he is sleepin’. It is already late.

Alicia should be sleeping, too, as they had a long ride ahead of them the following morning, but she couldn’t close her eyes until she told him the truth.

Just as she was about to knock on his door again, Samuel pulled it open, surprise coloring his features when his gaze met Alicia’s. “What are ye doin’ here so late at night?” he asked, though despite his protest, he quickly pulled her into the room and closed the door behind her. “Shouldnae ye be asleep?”

“I couldnae sleep,” said Alicia as she twirled around to face him. It was now or never, she thought. She had to speak her truth. “I lied tae ye afore. I lied tae ye an’ I had tae come an’ tell ye the truth.”

Samuel didn’t speak, but he didn’t try to kick her out of the room, either, so Alicia walked to him, leaving only a small gap between them.

“I’ve loved ye fer years. Ye may scoff at me or ye may think I dinnae ken what I am sayin’ but it’s the truth. Even if ye claim I’m too young, even if ye claim I was only a bairn an’ still am, I ken me truth. It has always been love, even if it was a different kind o’ love when I was younger. It’s true that me feelings fer ye were once innocent, like ye said, but they are nae innocent anymore. Me love fer ye has changed an’ shifted throughout the years, but it’s always been love.”

Alicia’s words came out in one breath, and she hardly drew in any air into her lungs until she was done. Instantly, heat flooded her face and she was certain she was bright red, but she refused to allow herself to be a coward once again, so she didn’t look away from Samuel. She wanted to see his expression. She wanted to look into his eyes and know the truth of what he felt when he heard what she had to say, even if it would hurt.

For what seemed like an eternity, Samuel said nothing. He only stood there, frozen in the face of Alicia’s confession, but she could see the battle that he waged against himself. She could see it in the tense line of his shoulders, in the pained look in his eyes, the way the skin around them crinkled with it.

One thing she could not understand was how he could still deny the truth of their situation. They wanted each other. Alicia loved him and she knew that Samuel loved her in a way as well. Even if it wasn’t the same love she held for him, it was a kind of love, accompanied by desire, and that was more than enough for her. How could he think what they were feeling for each other was wrong? How could love ever be wrong, she wondered?

She was a grown woman now, and no one could deny that. If she was old enough to wed a man twice her age, then she was old enough to know what she wanted.

When Samuel said nothing, though, Alicia began to lose hope. Would he stay silent forever?

“Please,” she said softly. “Please, Samuel… say somethin’. Anythin’.”

Still, he did not speak. Instead, he took a step forward and cupped Alicia’s face in his hands, his palms warm and rough against her cheeks as he gazed at her. And then, before she could be filled with any more doubt, he surged forward and kissed her.