A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 13

Nell

‘Thanks for the lift.’ Nell unclipped her seat belt, leaned over to the driver’s side of Olek’s van and kissed his cheek.

They were outside Olek’s parents’ house in Bakewell. His parents had lived in it since they’d first arrived in the UK from Poland when Olek was a teenager. His old bedroom was now Max’s room when he came to stay, which was less frequent now that football had begun to dominate every hour outside of school.

‘You’re welcome. Hey.’ As she turned away, Olek cupped a hand to her face, preventing her from pulling back. He touched his lips so softly to hers that his kiss was barely there, almost as if he wasn’t sure whether he was welcome. ‘I love you, you know, Mrs Dowmunt.’

Although it was dark, Mr and Mrs Dowmunt Senior had so many multicoloured Christmas lights on the front of the house that the concern on his face was illuminated in shades of orange, red and green.

That was her doing, she’d made him question the equilibrium of their relationship. She knew that her behaviour had changed since getting their test results; where once she’d have always chosen the spot on the sofa beside him, where she could loop her arms around his waist and cuddle into his chest, now she sat on the far end, resting her feet in his lap. She kept conversation topics general instead of talking about what was really in her heart, and, when possible, she’d take the seat beside him at the dinner table rather than opposite to avoid the questioning look in his eye. And the awful thing was that she knew that all these little things were clues to him that something was wrong; he was bound to associate them with her sadness about not being able to conceive. When, in fact, at the heart of everything was her love for him and her desire to protect him from the truth.

‘I love you too, darling, very much,’ she replied.

She breathed in the familiar scent of him and willed herself not to cry. Her lovely, lovely man. She was a storm of emotion at the moment. Angry one minute and desperately sad the next. And her mood swings weren’t only saved for Olek. Fancy slamming the laptop down on Merry! She couldn’t remember them ever falling out like that before and she was ashamed to have done so now when Merry had so much going on.

‘Best news I’ve heard all day.’ Olek released her. ‘Listen, I’ve been thinking we should let my parents know about our fertility issues.’

Nell blinked at him, heart in her mouth. ‘Why? I thought we were going to stay quiet until we had some proper news.’

‘Darling, we have had proper news, it’s just not what we wanted to hear.’ He chewed the inside of his lip. ‘And sometimes honesty is the best policy.’

She felt herself flush; she’d always thought the same. Right up until she decided that being honest with Olek about his test results might do more harm than good. ‘Sometimes it is. But at other times, it isn’t.’

He narrowed his eyes teasingly. ‘Now you’ve got me worried about what’s causing that guilty look. When is honesty not the best policy in Nell’s world?’

Oh God. This conversation was getting more and more difficult. She picked up her bag from the footwell and prepared to leave the van. ‘Well, in this case, we haven’t mentioned anything to your parents about trying for a baby before now. Once we tell them – your mum especially – they’ll want weekly updates, and Irena will have lots of “helpful” suggestions. I love your mum, but this is private.’

He took her hand and laced his fingers through hers. ‘My mother does have a habit of poking her nose in. She’s asked me in the past whether you and I would have children and I know she’s dropped hints to you before. I’m wondering whether if we told her that things weren’t straightforward that she’d perhaps be a bit more sensitive around the subject.’

Nell nodded slowly, seeing his point. ‘Can I think about it? I’m not ready to talk about it with anyone.’

He held her gaze. ‘And that seems to include me.’

She felt her throat constrict. ‘It’s not that …’ She couldn’t get the words out. ‘I’m still coming to terms with it myself, that’s all.’

‘OK,’ he said sadly. ‘I think we should make another appointment with Dr Bajek. I feel bad about not being there at the last one.’

Nell’s stomach lurched and it took all her willpower not to jump out of the van and put an end to this conversation. The last thing she wanted was to see Dr Bajek again. ‘It wasn’t your fault.’

Olek touched her leg. ‘Maybe not, but if I’d known … Well, I wish I’d never accepted that emergency job, I regret it now. I should have been with you. I know you’re finding it hard to talk about, but I wish I understood more. I know how important this is to you.’

His wording made her breath catch. ‘But not important to you?’

This time, she held his gaze.

‘Nell!’ He looked wounded. ‘Nothing would make me happier than for us to have a child together. Nothing. You’re such an important person in Max’s life and he thinks the world of you. But having stepchildren is not the same as your own flesh and blood. Sometimes when I look at Max, I could burst with love and pride, just knowing that I’m his father. I’d love for you to experience that feeling; you’ll be a wonderful mother.’

His use of the future tense, and his certainty that it would happen one day, brought a lump to her throat, as did his expression of love for Max.

‘Thank you, my love, for saying such nice things, but …’ She shook her head, struggling to find the right words. ‘It’s not to be.’

He brought her fingers to his lips, kissing them before speaking again. ‘Nell, if there’s a chance that we could get pregnant somehow, wouldn’t you want to look into it?’

Oh, Olek, not if you aren’t the father.

‘Surely, Dr Bajek has some advice for next steps?’ he pressed her.

‘Maybe,’ she said, swallowing.

‘Then we will explore every avenue,’ he promised solemnly. ‘Shall I call the clinic?’

Her heart twisted; it really did sound like he was as keen on having a baby as she was, which made it even worse that he was the one who couldn’t. ‘Can we leave it just now? Get Christmas out of the way and talk about it in the new year. I don’t want to be thinking about not being pregnant when it’s all Merry can talk about. It’s not her fault, but fate can be cruel sometimes.’

‘It can,’ he murmured, ‘I’m sorry. And yes, let’s wait a while. Just say the word, I’ll be guided by you.’

‘Thank you.’ She nodded her agreement, wondering how long she’d be able to string this out before he brought up the subject again.

‘And talking of time,’ Olek winced. ‘I’d better get going. It’s Max’s first game with Derby and I don’t know who’s more nervous, him or me.’

Nell took in his piercing blue eyes glinting with excitement in the light of the street lamp. The same sparkle which had drawn her to him all those years ago when they’d first met. She kissed him again, this time wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him in close.

‘You’re a wonderful father, Olek. Never forget that.’

‘Thank you, I do my best,’ he replied.

There was a thump on the glass of Olek’s window and both of them flinched. His mum, Irena, beamed at them and gestured for them to get out of the car.

‘Kissing outside my house like two kids!’ she cried, once Nell had got out.

Olek wound down his window. ‘I can’t stop, Mama, I’m on my way to see Max.’

‘What sort of son doesn’t have time for his mother,’ she chided, reaching into the van and kissing both of his cheeks. ‘One minute, that’s all it will take. Your dad has messed up the TV and can’t get his programme.’

‘Again?’ Olek grumbled but nevertheless did as he was told.

‘Nell!’ Irena Dowmunt grabbed hold of her face and squashed it to her own as soon as they were both inside the hall. ‘My kochanie . Gienek? Nell and Olek are here.’

‘Hello, Mama,’ Nell replied, submitting to Irena’s exuberant greeting.

She was used to it now, but in the early days of dating Olek, this show of affection had come as a massive shock to Nell. Her own mother had air kissing down to a fine art, making an extravagant ‘MWAH’ sound whilst gingerly holding onto Nell’s shoulders with her fingertips. In other words, all show and very little warmth. Being welcomed into the bosom, quite literally, of Olek’s family had been a revelation. As soon as Olek had proposed to her, Irena had insisted she be known as Mama. By contrast, Nell’s parents had made it clear that Olek should address them as Mr and Mrs Thornberry until Nell finally put her foot down at her and Olek’s fifth wedding anniversary party.

Her father-in-law, Gienek, popped his head out from the kitchen with a mug in his hand. ‘Just in time, I’ve made tea. Anyone want one? Olek, look at the TV for me, son, I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but I haven’t touched it.’

‘It’s a mystery, Tata,’ Olek said, hugging his old man gently to avoid spilling the tea. ‘I can’t stop long enough for a drink, I’m afraid.’

He disappeared into the living room to sort out the TV, while Irena held her hands out to take Nell’s coat. ‘Or we can open the Christmas sherry? Unless you’re not drinking at the moment?’

Her in-laws looked at her: Gienek with nothing but polite interest, Irena with a keen eye. Women missed nothing, thought Nell, and they knew the signs. The last couple of times she and Olek had been to visit for Sunday lunch, she had been the designated driver to hide her real reason for not drinking. Tonight, Irena would see Olek drive off from her front-room window. If Nell refused a sherry this evening, it would be ringing all sorts of hopeful alarm bells. She wondered if Olek was listening.

‘Sherry please, as we’re wrapping presents,’ she replied lightly. ‘Let’s get into the Christmas spirit.’

Irena’s hesitation was so brief it was almost imperceptible. ‘Sherry it is! Come on through to my Christmas room and we can start.’

‘Christmas room ?’ Nell said bemused, as Irena opened the door off the hallway into what used to be Gienek’s study.

‘Holy moly!’ Nell laughed. ‘I thought I was organised by having one shelf in a cupboard reserved for birthday and Christmas.’

‘Where Christmas is concerned,’ said Irena, ‘less is less and more is more. It’s the only time I can spoil my family without getting told off.’

Her husband’s old desk was strewn with wrapping paper, ribbons, sticky tape and several pairs of scissors; the carpet was virtually invisible due to all the carrier bags and cardboard boxes.

‘Max only wants money,’ Nell said, eyeing up the stack of bags. ‘Shame really, I used to love buying him toys.’

‘Money.’ Irena shook her head, dismayed. ‘How can you get excited opening money at Christmas?’

Max spent every other Christmas with Nell and Olek, and it was always a much noisier, fun day when he was with them. The festivities would begin on Christmas Eve: Olek’s parents would host a traditional Polish dinner of many courses which went on until almost midnight. After which, one Christmas present each would be exchanged. If Irena and Gienek had their way, all the presents would be opened that night, as they’d done in Poland growing up. But Nell and Olek liked Max to come down in the morning and find a pile of presents under the tree and a stuffed stocking hanging at the end of the fireplace.

‘Who are these all for?’ Nell marvelled.

Olek was their only son and Max, therefore, their only grandchild. They had family in Poland still, but there were enough gifts here to fill Santa’s sleigh.

‘Let me think.’ Irena listed off the children’s ward at the local hospital, parcels for the worst hit war-torn countries, a family new to the area whose children were sleeping on airbeds, the homeless shelter who’d asked for thermal socks and gloves. ‘And I have bought a few bits for Merry’s baby.’ Irena picked up a bag and pulled out a pale blue soft rabbit, a pastel striped velour onesie and a tiny hat with bear ears on it. ‘Nothing much until we know if it is a little girl or a little boy.’

A little girl or a little boy.

How simple. How wonderful. And how bloody beyond Nell’s reach.

‘Oh, Irena, they’re beautiful. Merry will be so touched.’

They should be for my baby , thought Nell, feeling her heart clench with sorrow. I want a pile of presents under the Christmas tree for Baby Dowmunt.

She felt like sobbing and pressed a hand to her stomach. She thought of all the months when she’d been sure that, this time, she felt different, that she had a suspicion that she might be pregnant; each time her period was even a day late, she’d be filled with euphoria and hope. But month after month her hopes had come to nothing. And now she knew why.

And the worst thing about it was that a part of Nell believed that this was karma, that she was only getting what she deserved.

Irena poured them both a generous measure of sherry and the two of them settled down on the carpet, each with a pile of presents to wrap.

Irena sat back on her heels to sip her sherry. ‘You know, you can tell me to mind my own business.’

‘Can I?’ Nell prickled, sensing that Irena was about to broach the obvious subject. ‘Good.’

It was a topic her own mother had no qualms about bringing up and each time it resulted in harsh words, Nell saying things she regretted and her mother acting hurt. She willed Irena not to go there.

‘But,’ Irena continued, ‘I did think that once Merry settled down and started a family, you would want to do the same.’

‘We are best friends, and have shared a lot over the years,’ Nell agreed stiffly, ‘but I draw the line at co-ordinating family plans.’

‘Of course. But you do have a plan?’ Irena leaned in eagerly, eyes bright.

‘I … I …’ She swallowed, she would like so much to confide in this woman who’d shown her nothing but love and kindness since the day Olek had introduced them. ‘I can’t say.’

Irena scanned her face. ‘It is OK, it is none of my business. But don’t be surprised if you lose Merry for a while once the baby comes. She will still love you just as much, but new parents become very wrapped up in their babies. The responsibility of another life, the lack of sleep, the worry that you don’t know what you’re doing. Being afraid to carry the baby around all the time in case you get into bad habits, being scared to put it down in case it wakes up. Maybe she’ll be the sort of mother who takes to it easily, but many aren’t. I think I cried every day for three months after Olek arrived.’

Nell’s shoulders slumped. Being a new parent sounded perfect to her. Absolutely perfect. ‘I’m going to try to make sure that doesn’t happen.’

Irena patted her leg. ‘You are a good friend. Like sisters. My boy would have loved more children with his first wife, you know.’

‘Would he?’ Nell had not known that. ‘And did they try?’

Irena sniffed disapprovingly. ‘She wasn’t interested. Now we know why. It wouldn’t surprise me if Yvonna started cheating on my son with that stupid oaf Viktor soon after Max was born. He was always hanging around.’

‘They do still seem happy together.’ Nell had learned that diplomacy was the best policy when the subject of Olek’s first wife came up at family gatherings. She had met the couple many times over the years and didn’t understand how Yvonna could prefer Viktor to Olek, but then you couldn’t choose who you loved, could you?

‘Still.’ Irena raised her glass and chinked it against Nell’s. ‘I suppose we have to thank Viktor for one thing.’

‘Being a good stepfather to Max?’

‘No,’ she shook her head vehemently. ‘Max doesn’t need another man in his life, not when he has a real father. I meant you, kochanie . If that woman hadn’t gone off with Viktor, then we could not have had you in our lives, and you are very precious to Gienek and me. You are not flesh and blood, but we love you just as much as Olek and Max.’

‘And I love you too, Mama.’ Nell blinked back tears. Irena had welcomed her so warmly into the family, and knew how lucky she was to have her.

The door opened and Olek’s head appeared around it. ‘I’ve fixed the TV. And now I must really rush, or I’ll be late to watch Max.’

Irena didn’t appear to hear the second sentence. ‘You are a good son. I was just talking about Yvonna. You would have liked more children, but she said no.’

Olek came into the room with a reluctant sigh.

‘That was a long time ago, Mama, I don’t think Nell needs to have my first marriage raked up.’

‘Of course, of course.’ Irena took another generous sip of sherry. ‘I’m just saying. You always wanted more than one child, that’s all. And your father and I wouldn’t say no to more grandchildren.’

‘And maybe Nell and I will have them one day, and that’s our business,’ he said sternly. ‘But, in the meantime, you have Max. And now I am definitely going.’

He stopped to kiss Nell’s head, squeezed his mum’s shoulder and left the room.

‘He is right.’ Irena made an effort to smile. ‘We have Max, we are very lucky. And if more grandchildren come along, we will love them just as much.’

‘You have such a big heart, Mama. Any child will be lucky to have you as their babcia ,’ said Nell just as a terrible thought came to her. So far, she’d thought of Olek’s infertility only in terms of the effect it would have on her husband. But it was just as devastating for Irena and Gienek too.

Her hands started shaking and she had to set down her glass for fear of spilling her drink. She sat on them before Irena noticed and prayed her face hadn’t gone white.

If it turned out that Max wasn’t Olek’s son, then he wasn’t their grandson either. That boy was the light of their lives, it would kill them to find out that he might not be their flesh and blood. The enormity of the responsibility she had heaped onto her own shoulders suddenly weighed impossibly heavy.

‘Hey, hey.’ Irena’s face crumpled with concern. ‘Shush, it is OK, it is OK, you can tell me anything, or tell me nothing, up to you.’

Suddenly, the wall of emotion that had built up was in danger of crumbling and the urge to talk to her mother-in-law became inevitable.

‘Oh Mama …’ Nell tried in vain to hold back her tears. ‘Oh, Mama. I would like a baby, but I can’t.’

‘Can’t? What is can’t?’ Irena looked bewildered.

‘There’s something wrong with me and I can’t have children naturally.’

‘Does Olek know?’ She pressed a hand to her mouth in shock.

Nell nodded. ‘We both went for tests.’

‘Of course he knows. I’m sorry. I know that you would never deceive him, would you?’

If only Nell was able to promise that she’d never lie to him, if only she could give Irena the reassurance she was seeking now, her bright eyes roaming Nell’s face. But, of course, she couldn’t. She’d already deceived him and every day the repercussions of her actions grew worse and worse.

‘Life doesn’t always deliver what we want, does it?’ she said instead.

‘ Ojej ,’ Irena tutted, rocking Nell from side to side in her arms. ‘You poor, poor girl. I am so sorry, I had no idea.’

That was certainly true, thought Nell. Nobody did, and she had no one she could confide in either.

She wished she’d never had those tests, she wished she didn’t know what she did. She hated the seed of doubt that had planted itself and taken root in her brain about Max. She’d never understood before how ignorance could be bliss, but now she’d give anything, anything at all, to be as in the dark about Max’s possible parentage as the rest of his family was.