A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 19

Merry

Merry made it to her father’s bedside at Springwood House as fast as she could, where manager, Gail, and Peter, one of his carers, were waiting for her. Ray was lying propped up, his gaunt face and thin neck dwarfed by a stack of pillows. His skin was translucent, as if all the blood had drained from him, and his breathing wheezy and faint. Merry was shocked by how much he’d deteriorated in only a couple of days; she wished with all her heart that Emily was still here. But he was breathing, thank goodness, and while he could still breathe, she had hope that he’d recover.

‘Dad!’ She took his hand in hers. ‘It’s me, Merry.’

She was breathless from rushing, shaky with fear and wanted more than anything to sink into a chair and close her eyes.

‘I’ll give you some privacy.’ Peter’s expression was grave. He patted her arm before leaving the room.

‘Thanks for coming so quickly, Merry.’ Gail put an arm around her shoulders, her voice gently deferential.

‘Of course,’ she replied, scarcely able to drag her eyes away from her dad. ‘How is he?’

Gail let out a deep breath. ‘I think you need to prepare yourself for the worst.’

Merry blinked at her. ‘But he seemed to have stabilised, and then Emily went home and now she won’t …’ she choked on a sob.

‘I know, and she mustn’t blame herself,’ Gail soothed. ‘These things are impossible to predict. But in your father’s case, I don’t think he has long.’

Merry brushed a tear from her face. ‘Emily will be so upset if she doesn’t get the opportunity to say goodbye.’

She had rung her sister from the car on the way over, but the call had gone straight to voicemail. Merry hadn’t left a message, not wanting to worry her. Now she wondered if she’d done the right thing. She’d call again as soon as she had the chance.

‘The important thing to remember is that he’s comfortable,’ Gail reassured her. ‘He’s not in pain, and now that you’re here, he’s got a loved one with him.’

‘He has.’ She stroked his hand with her thumb. ‘I love you, Dad. So does Emily.’

‘You’re shivering.’ Gail touched her arm.

‘Not with cold.’ In actual fact, she felt clammy and hot. ‘It’s been quite a day already, and now this.’

Understatement of the century. So far this evening, she’d alienated everyone she’d come into contact with. She had so many apologies to make. She released Ray’s hand and peeled off her coat, hanging it on the back of a chair, and took out her phone. There was a missed call from Cole but nothing from Emily. She’d leave Cole for now; she was bound to be in trouble after her outburst from atop the ladder. Justifiably so, she acknowledged with a shudder, but she had enough on her plate. Right now, her priority was Ray.

Gail patted her arm. ‘Oh love, let me get you a nice soothing drink. We need to be looking after you as well as your father.’

‘That would be lovely.’ Merry swallowed the lump in her throat; the older woman’s kindness was almost too much to bear.

When Gail had left the room, Merry moved her chair as close as she could to the bed and stretched out her legs to get comfortable. She’d try calling Emily again in a second, but for now, she wanted to spend a few minutes alone with the man she’d only had in her life for the last twelve months, imprinting his features into her memory.

‘Remember my wedding, Dad?’ She took his hand again; it was cool and dry and unresponsive to her touch. ‘When you gave me Mum’s ring? That was such a special moment. I don’t think anything you could have done would have topped that, it made me so happy to have something of hers, especially on my wedding day.’

On her little finger, next to her wedding and engagement rings, was the silver wishbone ring she’d worn every day since then.

She smiled, recalling the moment of panic and Emily’s mortification during the wedding service when Ray had escaped from his seat and approached them at the front of the room just as the registrar had asked the congregation if anyone had any objections to their marriage. Emily had dashed up to retrieve him, and for a split second, Cole had thought his future father-in-law was going to object. But, instead, the most magical thing had happened; he’d produced this little ring. He’d proposed to Sam with it once upon a time, he’d told Merry, but she’d turned him down, and now the ring was hers.

‘I’ll treasure it forever, Dad,’ she promised now. ‘It’ll always remind me of you and her and that you loved each other once.’

The door to Ray’s room opened again and in came Gail carrying a tray.

‘Here you are,’ she said, setting it down. ‘I’ve brought you herbal tea and a couple of mince pies too. I remember being permanently starving when I was pregnant.’

Merry’s eyes blurred with tears at the sight of the mince pies as she recalled her words to Nell. That’s a lot of pastry .

There had been no need to say that, no need to say anything . She’d turned into a control freak, she thought miserably; she was doing it with Nell, and she’d even been doing it at home with Cole, trying to micro-manage every aspect of her life, not letting other people in. She’d had trust issues as a teenager; that was understandable given her upbringing, but it was no excuse now. If she couldn’t even let her best friend select refreshments for an in-store event, then she was no sort of friend at all. It was so nit-picky, so unlike her. She didn’t know herself at the moment.

No wonder Nell had resigned. And now Merry would be left to run Merry and Bright on her own. Oh God, Merry groaned under her breath; it didn’t even bear thinking about.

‘Are you all right?’ Gail’s voice jolted her from her thoughts. ‘Can I call anyone for you?’

She shook her head. ‘I’ll be fine. Thank you for the drink, just what I need.’

She wouldn’t eat the mince pies; she had no appetite, but the tea was very welcome. She took a sip and watched Gail put on some latex gloves and pick up a tiny sponge, which she dipped in water and touched to Ray’s lips. ‘Let’s wet your whistle too, shall we?’

Ray twisted his head away and Merry’s heart lurched; it was the first movement he’d made since she’d arrived. ‘Hello, Dad. Do you think he can hear me?’ she asked Gail.

‘We’re never really sure, but possibly,’ she replied, removing her gloves and dropping them in the waste bin. ‘He may recognise your voice even if he doesn’t understand what you’re saying. My advice is to take this moment as much for yourself as for Ray, say what you need to say.’

Merry nodded and bit her lip. ‘Is it OK to be alone with him for a few minutes?’

‘Of course,’ said Gail, with a sympathetic smile.

Once she had gone, Merry set down her mug and reached for Ray’s hand again. She felt stiff all over and every bone in her body ached. She’d been a fool to do so much today, and as for her attempt to rescue that budgie by climbing a ladder, that had been beyond ridiculous. She forced herself to put all of that out of her head and take Gail’s advice. If this was the last chance she’d ever have to talk to her dad, she’d regret it later if she’d spent her time worrying about things she couldn’t change.

‘I hope this isn’t our last conversation, Dad,’ she began hesitantly. ‘But if it is, I want you to know that I really love you and having you in my life this last year has been the most unexpected gift. I’ll always wonder what might have happened to Mum if you and she had got together properly after I was born. Maybe she’d have felt able to cope if you’d have been around. Who knows; there are all sorts of reasons why people take their own life. What I am sure of is that I’m really grateful that you had another daughter. You gave me a little sister. I love her so much, Dad, and even though she doesn’t live close by anymore, we have such a special bond already. I miss her, so you must miss her terribly.’

She paused to study her dad’s features for movement. Underneath his eyelids, she thought she saw his eyeballs flicker from side to side. He could hear her; she was sure of it.

‘I’m sorry it’s me here and not Emily,’ she said. ‘You have so many more memories with her than me. But the few you and I have made together have been all the sweeter for their scarcity. Having real relatives has been the icing on top of a spectacular couple of years.’

The baby chose that moment to wake up and do its exercises. Merry had to lean back and stretch out. Sometimes she felt like a pinball machine, with the baby like a little ball, pinging from one side of her to another.

‘My baby will be born soon, Dad,’ she told him. ‘I hope you’ll get to meet your grandchild, I hope I make you the proudest granddad in the world, but …’ She couldn’t bring herself to say, ‘if you don’t’. Instead, she stood up and pressed his hand to the fabric of her dress, guiding his palm as the baby continued to push and shove against her. ‘Can you feel those little knees and elbows? Oh gosh,’ she sniffed. ‘I so wish the baby was already here, so I could put him or her in your arms for a cuddle.’

Her phone started to ring, making her jump, and she quickly laid Ray’s hand down on the covers to answer it.

The sight of Emily’s name on the screen made her breath hitch. She was dreading this moment. Delivering news like this had to be the worst job in the world.

‘Sorry, sorry!’ Her sister sounded full of energy and bounce. ‘I was down at the beach hut, and I didn’t have my phone with me. What’s up?’

‘Um …’ Merry swallowed and tried to talk, but the ball of sadness in her throat was too big, and the words wouldn’t come out.

‘Oh my God,’ whispered Emily. ‘Is it Dad?’

‘Yes,’ Merry managed to say with a croak in her voice. ‘He’s very weak, Gail has told me he might not have long. I’m here with him now.’

‘Oh please, no.’ Emily let out a moan. ‘I knew I shouldn’t have left you, I’m so cross with myself. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this on your own, with all that you’ve got going on too. Listen, hold tight and I’ll come straight over. I’ll rush, I won’t even bother to pack. I’ll call you when I know what flight I’m—’

‘Em, listen,’ Merry jumped in. ‘I don’t think there’s time.’

There was silence on the other end of the line.

‘What? But …’ Emily swallowed a sob. ‘You mean …’

‘From what Gail has said, we’re quite near the end.’ Merry turned away from her dad, not wanting him to hear, just in case he understood.

‘So I might never see him again?’ Her sister’s voice sounded strangled with sadness. ‘Poor Dad, poor you. What can I do?’

Merry shook her head, wishing she had the answers and not wanting to reply that there was nothing she could do.

‘Can you switch this to video call, so I can see him?’ Emily suggested.

‘Good idea.’ Merry let out a sigh of relief. ‘Gail has said he might recognise our voices, so let’s talk.’

She swapped the call to FaceTime and turned her body so that the camera could get both of them in. ‘Dad, Emily is here now too,’ she said while Emily settled herself on the sofa.

‘Hi, Dad, sorry I can’t be there,’ said Emily, in a trembly voice. ‘But I’m sending you my love from Jersey.’

‘We’re both going to keep you company for a while.’ Merry took his hand in hers; his fingers had turned as cold as ice. ‘Let’s make you comfortable,’ she said, tucking his other arm under the covers.

‘What should we talk about?’ Emily whispered.

‘Special memories of him? Happy times?’ she suggested. ‘I haven’t got many, apart from this year, but I’m so glad I got to hear some of your stories about your family, Dad, and how you always had pork chops—’

‘On Mondays!’ Emily finished for her, and they both laughed.

‘I do remember you coming round to read stories to me,’ Merry told him, ‘and I remember you and my mum dancing around our tiny bedsit to Fleetwood Mac. I was only young, and my memories are vague, but I know we were all happy.’

‘The day I brought you to Springwood House to meet Dad for the first time, we danced to Fleetwood Mac too, remember?’

Merry nodded. ‘That was one of the happiest days of my life.’

‘And mine,’ Emily replied after a pause.

‘I know this is a sad occasion,’ Merry continued, ‘but I’m so grateful to you for finding me, finding us really, our family.’

‘Hey, Dad, remember when Peter found that you’d thrown all the sofa cushions from the lounge into the skip outside,’ said Emily with a giggle.

‘Or what about the time you took Lavinia some flowers to her room?’ Merry laughed. ‘Wearing only your pyjama jacket.’

‘Oh yes,’ Emily added. ‘And instead of a bunch of flowers, it was a plant you’d pulled up from the garden and trailed soil all through the corridors and up the stairs.’

‘Still, Lavinia was pleased,’ said Merry with a snort. ‘But Maude was so jealous that she didn’t talk to her for a week.’

Emily giggled. ‘I’ve just remembered something funny. Dad, do you remember the face-painting we did?’

Merry watched Ray’s expression for changes, but there didn’t seem to be a response. ‘Tell me the story.’

‘When I was six, I had a set of face paints and wanted to look like a pirate. Dad spent ages doing my face and I looked brilliant. I then asked to do his. He bravely agreed, but all I managed for him was scribbled panda eyes, white blotches on his cheeks and black stripes on his chin. I’m sure he was horrified, but he said he loved it, and I was so pleased. Later, he took me with him to the fish and chip shop; I’d washed my face paint off, but Dad had forgotten about his. He wondered why everyone was laughing at him until he saw his reflection in the glass of the warming cabinets.’

‘Oh no!’ Merry laughed, imagining Freya doing the same thing to Cole. ‘What did he say?’

‘That was the lovely thing,’ said Emily, drying her eyes. ‘He could have been embarrassed or cross, but he told everyone that his daughter had painted his face to look like a pirate and wasn’t she a superb artist. Lots of people congratulated me and I felt so proud. Good old Dad.’

‘Yeah,’ Merry agreed, ‘good old Dad.’ She looked at Ray, his fingers were clenching and unclenching and whereas his face had looked peaceful before, now his features were scrunched up. ‘Dad? Are you OK?’

‘What’s happening?’ Emily said, squinting at the screen.

‘He looks really uncomfortable.’ Merry felt herself go cold with fear. ‘I don’t like this. Maybe the painkillers have worn off.’

Ray’s head thrashed from side to side.

‘It’s OK, Dad,’ said Merry, trying to sound calm.

‘Pull the emergency red cord behind the bed,’ Emily demanded. ‘Get someone in there.’

‘Good idea.’ Merry pushed herself off the chair and tugged on the cord. ‘Come on, come on, come on.’

Ray’s arms went rigid, fingers splayed, and his face was contorted. The soft wheezy breathing had changed to a harsher choking sound. Merry had never felt so afraid and out of her depth in her life.

‘Help!’ she yelled. ‘Someone help!’

‘It’s OK, Dad, we’re getting help, hang on in there,’ Emily pleaded.

‘Where is everyone?’ Merry cried. ‘Why hasn’t someone come to help?’

‘Merry!’ Emily gasped. ‘He looks as if he’s trying to say something.’

Merry leaned over him as best she could and put her ear close to his mouth. ‘What is it, Dad?’

But Ray didn’t speak. Instead, he made a gurgling sound as if there was fluid in his throat. He gave one, two, three more ragged attempts at breathing, and then his face went slack as the last vestige of life ebbed out of him.

Merry patted his cheek. ‘Wake up, come on, Dad, don’t leave us.’

She stared at him in vain, hoping to see a sign of life, but there was nothing. And she knew, she simply knew, he was gone.

She was aware that Emily was crying and needed comforting, but in that moment, she gave herself up to her own sadness, her own loss and the unfairness of finding her father only to lose him again so soon.

The door opened softly and in filed the team from Springwood House to take over. Merry rested her forehead on the edge of her dad’s bed, still holding tightly to his hand, and cried and cried and cried until finally she felt the warm embrace of a familiar shape.

‘Come here, darling,’ said her husband in a whisper.

‘Cole!’ she sobbed. ‘He’s gone. My dad has gone.’

‘I know, baby, I know.’ He took her in his arms and kissed her cheek. ‘I’m here and I love you, it’s OK.’

Merry let herself sink into him, taking comfort from his strength, his love and the steadfast beat of his heart. She heard him send his love to Emily and let her know he’d collect her from the airport while she clung to him and wept.

She cried for the man she’d hardly known and for the baby who’d never know its grandfather and, unexpectedly, for the mother she missed now as keenly as she ever had done as a child. Because, when all was said and done, she realised, family and loved ones and feeling a part of something bigger than yourself was what life was all about. And her family would never be the same again.