A Merry Little Christmas

Chapter 28

Nell

‘I’ll show you where the other parents hang out,’ Max told Nell once they’d parked in the Derby training ground car park. ‘Some of them are really nice. A couple of the dads get a bit extra, overriding the coach, but they’re not allowed into training, so you won’t see them shouting their mouths off tonight.’

He’d become more animated the closer they’d got; seeing his enthusiasm for running about in the dark and cold, practising his favourite game on a school night, was almost enough to pull Nell from her funk.

‘Lovely offer, Max, but I’ll stay in the car, thanks.’

‘Training is two hours long.’ Max was worried about her. ‘Won’t you get bored by yourself?’

‘I don’t mind, honestly,’ Nell insisted, tucking a blanket over her knees and pushing her seat back to stretch out. ‘I’ve got my Kindle and a juicy thriller about a family who get snowed in at Christmas and someone ends up dead.’

‘Cheery.’ Max hesitated by the door. ‘There’s a place inside where you can get drinks and stuff, if you get cold, or if you scare yourself to death.’

‘Will do.’ Nell had no desire to bump into any of the other parents. Normally, she’d be the first in there, making friends and proudly trading stories about her stepson, but tonight she didn’t want to talk at all and the idea of two hours of enforced solitude was a relief.

Max got out of the car and opened the rear door to get his kitbag. ‘I’m not a kid, you know. If there’s something going on, you’d say, wouldn’t you?’

His perceptive comment unbalanced her; she’d done her best to hide her emotional state, but he’d picked up on something anyway.

‘If I had anything to tell you, I would. Promise.’ She was grateful for the cover of darkness to hide the guilt on her face. ‘Dad sends his love and says to listen to what the coach says, because even though you might not agree with him, he’s been on the pitch longer than you.’

Only a slight bend of the truth; Olek had said this to her after watching him play last week, commenting that Max hadn’t liked receiving feedback.

Max grunted. ‘I’ll try.’

‘Go on.’ She gave him a double thumbs up. ‘Show those Derby boys that famous Dowmunt footwork.’

‘OK.’ He laughed and waved as he walked across the floodlit car park and into the training ground.

The smile drained from her face as soon as he was out of sight. She didn’t know if she was coming or going today. Her hangover had evaporated, thankfully, but her head was pounding, and her heart hadn’t stopped racing all day.

Everything had gone horribly wrong. She’d fallen out with her best friend, lied to her husband, and now lied to her stepson too about the whereabouts of his father (who was unlikely to actually be his father), and her husband had disappeared to goodness knows where.

She picked up her phone and dialled Olek’s number again, waiting for the voicemail to kick in.

‘I’m at football training because Max needed a lift. You let him down today. Even if you’re too busy, you could have sent him a message to let him know. Come on, Olek. You can do better than that.’ She hadn’t intended to let herself get angry, but now she’d started, it was difficult to stop.

‘It’s fine to be pissed off with me, I get it. I lied to you, and you expected honesty from me. I have my reasons for that and I’d very much like the chance to explain. You and Yvonna …’ she paused. ‘That’s not really any of my business, but I can appreciate you’ll want some answers from her. But taking it out on Max isn’t OK, Olek. He’s hurt and confused. Whatever the truth is, you’ve been there for him his entire life in a way that no other man has. Even if you ignore this message, like you’ve ignored all the others I’ve sent you, please don’t ignore Max, your son.’ She was about to end the call when another thought struck her. ‘If you’ve had a car accident or something and you didn’t mean to ignore me at all, then I’m sorry, and I love you.’

She hung up and then redialled.

‘I love you anyway, not just if you’ve had an accident. Just thought I should make that clear. Bye.’

She waited, phone in hand, for a full five minutes for a response, but none came. Could he have had a serious accident? No, if he had, his name and phone number were on the side of his van, it would be a moment’s work for the police to track down his next of kin. He’d simply gone somewhere to lick his wounds, as he’d told her in his letter. He’d be back soon; she’d just have to be patient.

For the next half an hour, she tried to lose herself in the novel on her Kindle, but her mind wouldn’t let her relax into the story. Giving up, she scrolled through her phone to her WhatsApp chat with Merry. The last message was her voice note from earlier this morning, ending their friendship. She played it again and recoiled at the bitterness behind her own words. No wonder Merry hadn’t dignified it with a response. Nell toyed with the idea of sending a follow-up message but decided against it. She didn’t want a conversation with anyone right now; there’d be time tomorrow to speak to Merry. For now, she just wanted to wallow in her own thoughts.

She opened up the photos on her phone and found the ones from last December. There were some of her final few days on her market stall Nell’s Nuts, some of Olek, her and Max putting up the Christmas tree at home, pictures of the girls on Merry’s hen night, hundreds of Merry’s wedding on Christmas Eve and a lovely selfie of her and Olek looking in love on New Year’s Day. In every picture, Nell looked happy, her eyes bright, her face animated and smiling. The contrast to today couldn’t have been greater.

And she thought she knew why; it was this time last year when the desire to have a baby had kicked in. Before then, she hadn’t been in the least broody. Babies were something other people thought about. Olek had Max, and she had Olek, it had felt as if their family was complete. She remembered overhearing two women talking about their relief when they’d found out they were pregnant and being bemused by how fixated on conceiving they’d admitted to being. And then suddenly, almost overnight, she joined their club. She couldn’t remember why; although she’d had a niggle of sadness that she was losing Merry to Emily. Until then, Nell had been sister, best friend and as good as next of kin to Merry; there’d been no one else. She was delighted that Merry had found her real family. But at some deep, unknowable level, perhaps that had triggered a need to create a family of her own.

Over the course of the last year, she had carried on with life as normal, but the urge to start a family with Olek had gradually become louder and louder. Until eventually it had consumed her.

She scrolled back even further through her photos to the summer before last: the holiday she and Olek had taken to Croatia. Her freckles had come out in the sun, and she’d gone make-up-free for the entire week. They’d swum and explored and eaten seafood in harbourside restaurants and slept late … it had been one of the best holidays ever.

They’d had fun, they’d even, she remembered, privately congratulated themselves on being one of the few couples without young children in tow, able to do their own thing, in their own time.

Nell’s eyes lingered on a picture taken by a waiter of the two of them on the last night of the trip. She had been wrapped in Olek’s arms, their cheeks pressed together, both of them relaxed and happy. No one looking at that picture could fail to see that they were deeply in love. That was what was important, she thought, that was where she wanted to be again. Nothing else mattered; not her ego, not work, not money … not even a baby.

Forty-five minutes later, Nell was starting to seize up with the cold. She’d been switching on the engine every few minutes to inject some heat into the car, but she’d reached the point where her toes and nose had turned to ice cubes. The thought of a hot drink from the machine was almost enough to drag her from the car park and risk having to make polite conversation with the other adults. She dug in her purse for some coins for the machine and had just found enough when another car pulled up right alongside hers.

Why did people do that? she grumbled to herself. There were loads of spaces, why park next to her and risk scratching the paintwork on either of their cars? She was just in the mood to give the driver of the other car a thunderous look when she realised she was staring straight at Yvonna.

She groaned inwardly. She could do without this tonight; Olek’s ex-wife having another go at her for daring to ask when her affair with Viktor had started. Mind you, on the plus side, Yvonna’s appearance to collect her son meant that Nell’s presence was no longer required. She could simply start her car and drive off, that way she wouldn’t even have to talk to her at all. She quickly whipped the blanket off her lap and adjusted her seat and was about to wave and leave, but Yvonna was already getting out the car and heading her way.

Nell wound down the window, just as she’d done last night.

Yvonna bent down to speak to her, rubbing her arms to generate warmth.

‘Mind if I get in your car for a minute? It’s freezing out here.’

Yes, she did mind, thought Nell, but gestured towards the passenger side politely.

‘Max says that his dad hasn’t returned any of his texts or calls.’ Yvonna shut the door and pulled the sleeves of her jumper down over her hands.

‘He’s very busy at the moment; he’s hardly got time to sleep, let alone look at his phone.’

‘It’s not like Olek,’ his ex-wife continued as if Nell hadn’t spoken. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever known him ignore his son. He might not be the most dynamic of men, but as far as Max goes, I can’t complain. Usually.’

Nell’s hackles rose automatically, Olek had never put a foot wrong in his relationship with Yvonna, either during the marriage or after, but she never missed an opportunity for a little dig at him. Regardless of what was going on between them, Nell had every intention of defending her husband. ‘I don’t know what else you want me to say, Yvonna.’

Yvonna stared out of the window before turning to Nell. ‘It just feels like a coincidence, that’s all.’

Nell shrugged. ‘You’ve lost me.’

Yvonna loosened her scarf a little. ‘One minute you’re asking very personal questions about Olek’s relationship to Max. And the next thing I know, Olek goes incommunicado on his son.’

‘You’re right, it is a coincidence.’ Nell’s heart thumped against her ribs; she turned to face the other woman. She had to play this carefully, extract information without causing offence. ‘Perhaps it just hit a nerve with you.’

Yvonna held her gaze, she was biting the inside of her cheek as if weighing up what, or how much, to say. Nell stared back, willing the other woman to tell her the truth, but also scared that if she did, Nell would be the keeper of even more secrets.

Yvonna examined her own nails. They were long and painted red; one was chipped, and she picked absentmindedly at the edge of it. ‘I always wondered if Olek suspected anything.’

The air was so tense that Nell felt as if she couldn’t breathe. ‘About you and Viktor, or about Max being his?’

‘Me and Viktor. I don’t think it ever crossed his mind that Max wasn’t his son.’

‘So there is a possibility?’ she demanded.

‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this. You of all people.’ Yvonna blew out a shaky breath. ‘Olek and I never used birth control; we decided that what was meant to be would be. But nothing ever did happen until I had a fling with Viktor. Two months later, I was pregnant. I ended it with Viktor and focused on the pregnancy. It was only when Max was a toddler that Viktor came back on the scene.’

‘And you didn’t think you should mention it to either of the men?’

Yvonna’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I know it was bad of me, but I decided to keep quiet. I didn’t know for certain, and Olek was ecstatic about the prospect of being a dad. Whereas Viktor acted like he’d had a lucky escape. The only way to prove it would have been a DNA test – I didn’t want to put anyone through that. It was bad enough when Olek found out about Viktor and me, to then add, “oh and by the way, Max might belong to Viktor too,” seemed too cruel.’

‘So you let Olek bring up a baby as his own son even though you had your doubts,’ said Nell, struggling to keep the disbelief out of her voice.

Yvonna covered her face with her hands. ‘I shouldn’t have done it, but I’m glad for Max’s sake that I did. I love Viktor dearly, but Olek has made a better father than he ever would have done.’

‘He had mumps as a teenager,’ Nell told her. ‘And it’s rare, but I found out recently that it can cause infertility in men. I think this is what happened to Olek, which means he’s been unable to father children ever since.’

‘So Viktor must be Max’s dad.’ Yvonna swore under her breath. ‘I knew about him having mumps, didn’t know about the problems it can cause.’

Nell’s heart ached for her husband; all those years building their close father-and-son relationship, all the proud moments, the happy memories, the shared hobbies … Rightly or wrongly, Yvonna had preserved those for Olek by keeping her suspicions to herself. Nell was the one who’d jeopardised Olek and Max’s relationship. Never had the saying ‘let sleeping dogs lie’ felt more apt. If only she hadn’t gone poking her nose in, all of this could have been avoided. ‘Are you going to tell them? All three of them?’

Yvonna’s face froze in horror. ‘I … I don’t want to. It’ll cause so much upset. And they’ll all be angry with me. I guess you’re going to tell Olek?’

Nell shook her head. ‘It should come from you, not me.’

Yvonna pressed herself back against the car seat and exhaled. ‘Shit. This is a nightmare.’

‘Finally, we agree on something.’

Nell needed Merry tonight more than she ever had done in her life. Under other circumstances, she’d have rung her and asked if the two of them could get together to set the world to rights, but that wasn’t an option anymore. But there was somewhere else she could go, somewhere she was guaranteed to be pampered and cosseted and treated like a child for a while. In fact, she’d go straight there now, no need to even go home first.

‘I think you and I have finished for tonight,’ Nell told Yvonna. ‘I’m driving to my parents’ house now. So if you wouldn’t mind getting out, I’ll be on my way.’

A few days in her childhood bedroom, a chance to revert to a time before her life got so complicated …? Bring it on.